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for Life of Spike

3/16/2021 c7 RANDOM
WHYD YOU KILL SANDY
8/24/2020 c5 5Poppun
Alright. I finally have the chance to sit down and review what I've read so far. I admit, I visited the wiki before starting, and it looks like the game doesn't have any set lore, but I really enjoyed your interpretation of them and it actually reminds me of a couple of series I really loved growing up. I especially like how Shelly & Colt treat Spike as a sort of magical little brother.I'm looking forward to seeing how you handled the prophecy, since the story is already completed, perhaps this is why he's marked as a "legendary".

I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but one thing to try might be taking your time with descriptions a bit more, it looks like you've already started doing this a bit more after the first couple chapters. (Don't get too stressed about it though, I struggled with that in my first story and still have trouble finding the right balance sometimes)

Either way, so far it's been a very sweet, fun story, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it ends (-.-)
8/19/2020 c14 3The Phoenix Wright of Fiction
Earthpup. You my friend are not a bad person. I can tell from your writing style that you are a pure hearted youth with big dreams and bigger aspirations. I however, am not a pure youth. I am a realist, a mentalist, a scientist. I have made it my goal and mission to go through the fanfiction community and critique as many authors as I can. This mission has brought me to the Brawl Stars franchise and unfortunately to you. Allow me to make myself clear, this is not an attack. Merely some harsh but true advice. You may either accept it and grow or allow this review to burn as you grow complacent with your mediocre writing skills. Shall we begin?

My grievances with your story do not come from your grammar. I have already been informed of how English is not your first language. So congratulations, for a child you have impressed me with your ability to write in English. Though your ability to tell a story is not restricted by your language barrier.

Let me start with a phrase you may not have heard yet. “Show, not tell.” Telling a story and writing a story are two different tasks. When a person is directly in front of you, there is a different jargon and inscription necessary versus when trying to write to an unknown audience. An easy and early example is in chapter two, ‘At Barley’s’. When we are introduced to Bull and Bibi’s characters they are conversing in an alley with Spike listening in. Spike hears them say, “But we need the money! 8000 gems!” Now this is not a problem, great job showing us the reason they are there through dialogue rather than saying it yourself. But then you write, ‘So they were after money? Why?’ This is where your first of many, “Show, not tell,” problems arise. We are to assume that this is Spike’s thoughts but you never state it. If it is not Spike’s thoughts then there is no reason for these words to be said. You do not have to tell us that they are here for money, you showed it to us in their dialogue. Even if you had this statement be an inner thought from Spike, it still would be unnecessary. You must remember that you are not talking to us in person, you don’t have to build suspense by saying suspense filled phrases in your narrative. Suspense is made in the actions and scenes presented before the climax/resolution of the main conflict. That conflict could be a threat to the main characters or information that is not given to the readers. Just try not to state your drama specifically, the drama should be naturally a part of the narrative.

The following paragraph is just examples pulled from your story of “Show, not tell.” writing. You may skip at your leisure but I recommend reading, analyzing, and enhancing your future stories from these mistakes I found. In chapter thirteen, ‘Brawler’s, Brawl’, Pam says, "Colt you grew up so much since I last saw you". You didn't give us a time frame and failed to show us how long it has been since Colt last saw her. Spike’s introduction of his Cactus Bombs in chapter seven, ‘The Forest People’, should have taken more time than just saying, ‘The flower was revealed actually to be a cactus bomb.’ Show us that it is a bomb through character interactions and in-story events not just through your narrative.

Now allow us to address the matter of continuity. You are not the only offender, all throughout the Brawl Stars fandom there are writers who could not stay true to their own writing and have left gargantuan plot holes because of this. If you do not know what continuity is allow me to do what I do with all the authors I review and provide the definition. Continuity - the maintenance of continuous action and self-consistent detail in the various scenes of a movie or broadcast. To make this simpler to understand, when you describe a person, place, or thing once do not change that description unless it is explicitly stated in your narrative. This also holds true for story lines, which brings us to the story’s biggest offender. Colt’s relationship with his father Bull. Before chapter eight of the story we never talk about Colt’s father. The problem is not that it is Bull or the fact that he can’t recognize him in the picture. It’s the continuity error that is spawned from that narrative. For starters Jessie is Colt’s younger sister. Now we don’t know the exact ages of these characters in-game or in your story, but we can make some assumptions. Let’s assume that Colt and Shelly are fully functional adults which would put them at the ages of twenty-one through twenty-three. Now we see Nani is still needed in this universe and she is understood to be Jessie’s nanny in the lore. A nanny is expected to no longer be needed after the age of ten or eleven, based on this we can assume there is at least a ten year gap between the age of Jessie and Colt. That would mean that for ten years of his life minimum Bull had to be around to give birth to Jessie. Then he would have been divorced. Now this problem could have been solved in several ways, first you could tell us when Colt left the house. The reaction that is given upon Colt’s arrival in ‘Back Home’, gives the feeling that he has been gone for quite some time. To be specific Jessie recognizes him instantly but she reacts like he left when she was a toddler. State how long Colt has been gone and that will make sense. However, the problem of Colt not recognizing a picture of his father who he would have lived with for potentially fifteen years still is an issue. As another explanation you could say that Bull is Colt’s father but not Jessie’s father. Remarriage is a plot point that is not only allowed but often expected in storytelling. Then you could say that Pam divorced Bull when Colt was very young, but this would create the issue of him remembering going to Super City with his father in chapter eleven, ‘Brawl Ring’.

If you read the entirety of that previous paragraph then you know there are several ways to fix your continuity if you just take the time to think your story through instead of writing a chapter every night. Though since you said this was based on a comic you made for your sisters I can only suspect that you had the story all over the place since it was first created. So as a helpful addition, listed below is another continuity error that I found. There may be more but I can only do so much. Chapter 1 ‘Rainy Day’, Spike is said to not know what rain looks like but he was born inside of Rosa’s greenhouse which is positioned in a forest. So has it never rained in Rosa’s forest?

Now is the issue of pacing. In chapter six 'Pirates', you cannot introduce a threat as big as a kraken without proper build up. Building up an event or character makes that moment feel much more impactful. Without build up, you fail to make a pivotal moment with the threat you introduce. With build up, you keep the reader in suspense, you keep them engaged in what is happening. What you could have done was have the crew go silent as the waves get larger and larger with deep roars getting louder and louder as it surfaces closer and closer towards the boat. Then it wraps the boat with its tentacles pulling the boat down slowly to its watery doom. What you ended up doing was having tick throw bombs into the water then having the kraken suddenly popping up.

The final point I want you to see today is lazy writing. I understand that you like to write your entire chapter in a single sitting but look at what you produced because of this. You introduce terrible jokes and overdone cliches just to fill the empty spaces in your story. The examples are limitless and I don’t want to bore you with a list as long as your story so let me just show you two. Jacky’s fourth wall break in chapter ten, ‘Down The Mine’, and Spike, Shelly, and Colt’s lazy backstory in chapter twelve, ‘The Botanist’. Now I get that you wanted to make a cute moment with a bit of comedy in ‘Down The Mine’ but honestly, fourth wall breaks are the lowest form of humour when used with no build up. To be more specific, wanting Jacky to already know about Crow with no future context is a crime on its own but then you tried to turn it into comedy by having her break the fourth wall with a ‘It’s the author’s problem’ joke. I don’t care what the author note says you weren’t trying that chapter. Then there was that abomination of a one paragraph backstory that didn’t even try to build the characters of Colt, Shelly, and Spike. That was your chance to give me a reason to care about the characters and their relationship but instead you just threw some trash at my face and told me to eat it.

I could continue to list all the problems with your writing style but I have more stories in the Brawl Stars fandom to review. So with that I hope that you don’t feel attacked but rather enlightened. And all your future writings will grow because of it. Now, I wonder who will be next?
8/15/2020 c10 5SammyScripts
Bruh I just realized you don't ship Jackie and Carl and that makes me want to cry.
8/15/2020 c13 SammyScripts
I'm sorry I have to be honest...
I don't get why people ship Rico x Piper
I don't like the Shelly x Colt ship
And while I like the dynamic between Emz and Poco, it's only good because of the idea of the bad girl Emz being to scared to tell him how she feels. Throwing them together instantly just ruins it.
I'm sorry this has been on my mind for a while.
8/12/2020 c14 SammyScripts
The ending was kinda abrupt but it was a fun read. Good job
8/10/2020 c14 10Queenbookerly
Hey hey hey! Really great story! I was a bit of an inconsistent reader, but I think your writing style is perfect for spike! Really great job!
7/29/2020 c12 SibelYourFriend
Hey... I just want to tell that I'm really sorry for that languese. I am a bad person... but I do
7/18/2020 c9 SibelYourFriend
Alright... WHERE THE DRILL IS THE CHAPTER. I AM LOKING IN EVERYDAY BUT NO CHAPTER, I AM CYRING. *Crys* And I realise that you didn't anser my question. "Who is Colt's dad? Is it Bull?" Maybe you don't wanna anser. I Will just think that He is ded now.
7/2/2020 c9 SibelYourFriend
*Sad Frank noises* I hope Mortis die #TeamFrank
Ooooooooooooo, Pocooooooo! Poco Emz.
And I really wander "when Poco whil apear?"
I hope we Will see soon Jacky. She is my *drill* favorite brawler. Ok She and Sandy (more Sandy but don't tell her. She's gonna kill me)
WHY 8-BIT DOSEN'T TALK! Whill Barley come back?( I think not) What about Rosa? I really hope that It won't come Jacky whit Super Driller Jacky. Or Bea or Tick. Sprout? I think whit Rosa. Oh boy this is long. Sorry
6/29/2020 c8 SibelYourFriend
Ok When I read about Bo looking at that fether like Tara I know that they have a few secrets. I am wandering how it will end
F for 8-bit
Piper Rico UwU
And I have a question. Will Bull or Bibi be a tratior?
And how is Colt's father? It's Bull? OwO
6/30/2020 c8 5SammyScripts
I like the contrast between Colt and Shelly. It really makes their interactions feel more realistic and endearing.
6/30/2020 c7 SammyScripts
*Gets super excited at the realization that the author loves Nita as much as I do*

Also the plot thickens!
6/25/2020 c7 Guest
This is really good for a game that has no story.
6/23/2020 c6 10Queenbookerly
Hi! This is fricking adorable! Keep up the cute work! Also, a "legend" like him? I can't say that's PUNappropriate!
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