for The Next Great Adventure12/30/2020 c8 Guest
„Then it is the SAME PERSON TALKING. I don’t know how to explain it any better...“ maybe instead of shouting at the reader engage that grey mass we all have and write it differently and better?
If you need to explain something again and again, you obviously do it wrong.
It’s design principle nr. 1. good luck.
„Then it is the SAME PERSON TALKING. I don’t know how to explain it any better...“ maybe instead of shouting at the reader engage that grey mass we all have and write it differently and better?
If you need to explain something again and again, you obviously do it wrong.
It’s design principle nr. 1. good luck.
11/20/2020 c1 
3XXxxxadisxxxXX
This story, particularly the dialogue, is horribly formatted.
I strongly suggest you read some of the other works on here or elsewhere as doing this version of semi-book-like writing is almost unreadable through this website. It becomes too much of a pain to even slug through a single chapter.
3XXxxxadisxxxXXThis story, particularly the dialogue, is horribly formatted.
I strongly suggest you read some of the other works on here or elsewhere as doing this version of semi-book-like writing is almost unreadable through this website. It becomes too much of a pain to even slug through a single chapter.
11/12/2020 c8 scyfly
feanor going with nazjara feels rather forced in the sense that it was both to easily done and vey unlikely not to mention very stupid of feanor.
for a first story it is not bad aside from various issues with grammar and formatting which are mostly silly mistakes
feanor going with nazjara feels rather forced in the sense that it was both to easily done and vey unlikely not to mention very stupid of feanor.
for a first story it is not bad aside from various issues with grammar and formatting which are mostly silly mistakes
11/12/2020 c8 scyfly
in response to your AN about paragraphs and ppl commenting on it it might just be that like me ppl commented on earlier chapters befofe you started using them
in response to your AN about paragraphs and ppl commenting on it it might just be that like me ppl commented on earlier chapters befofe you started using them
11/12/2020 c6 scyfly
you dont announce any pov shifts, it quite literaly jumps from one place to the next. its very confusing
you dont announce any pov shifts, it quite literaly jumps from one place to the next. its very confusing
11/11/2020 c1 scyfly
you use a apostrophyto point out when someone is talking, this is not how you use one. the official use is to add a letter to a words yet still have it separate like a small pause in between. it is also commenly used to convey mind speak or such, even if his is not an official use.
the punctuation you should have been using is an quotation mark ". i dont know for other ppl but for me this is incredibly confusing and basicly cuts my reading speed in half, especially with your lack of proper paragraphs.
while this does not detract from your plot it is very odd. if you've read a few stories you would have picked this up, yet you deliberatly went against this. i myself have learned this from reading rather then school. changing it would be a lot of work but def an improvement of your story
you use a apostrophyto point out when someone is talking, this is not how you use one. the official use is to add a letter to a words yet still have it separate like a small pause in between. it is also commenly used to convey mind speak or such, even if his is not an official use.
the punctuation you should have been using is an quotation mark ". i dont know for other ppl but for me this is incredibly confusing and basicly cuts my reading speed in half, especially with your lack of proper paragraphs.
while this does not detract from your plot it is very odd. if you've read a few stories you would have picked this up, yet you deliberatly went against this. i myself have learned this from reading rather then school. changing it would be a lot of work but def an improvement of your story
11/11/2020 c1 scyfly
it would be far better for your formatting if you left lines open between paragraphs and between ppl speaking. it makes reading it so much easier
it would be far better for your formatting if you left lines open between paragraphs and between ppl speaking. it makes reading it so much easier
11/10/2020 c8 Aion27
First thing I should say is don't be discouraged by my review. It is only my personal feeling after this last part. I loved your story so far and there wasn't anything that I really didn't like in it. I really do hope that you do continue writing no matter what I say because you are a talented author and there really isn't enough good HP/Eragon stories written. So no matter what I say please keep writing what you want to write.
I have enjoyed your story so much but this chapter just threw me off entirely. He is way too smart to realize that even if he saves them now how many other innocents is he going to kill by swearing to follow her or how is he going to actually ever be free from her. This is such a monumentally stupid thing to do for someone that is supposed to be smart. It doesn't matter when he becomes free all the things she is going to make him do is going to be a bad thing in the end. He has just become the thing he hates the most a Forsworn. Because even if she doesn't give him to Galbatorix he still gave his servitude to someone that follows him.
So even if you get him free from her in the next chapter without him doing anything bad then there was no point in having him do it in the first place. Then if he does do bad things for her he has probably lost all the trust the races could have had for him and any sympathy anyone else would have for him. Also, it makes me disconnect from him since he choose to do this to himself so when he follows her and does what she says I am probably going to start disliking him because of it which will make me not enjoy the story even more now.
So while I don't know if I am going to continue reading your story, mostly depending on when the new chapter comes out, I hope that you can figure this situation out in a way that isn't going to compromise your characters and not upset your readers.
Thanks for the enjoyable story, up to this one at least. I do hope you keep on writing.
First thing I should say is don't be discouraged by my review. It is only my personal feeling after this last part. I loved your story so far and there wasn't anything that I really didn't like in it. I really do hope that you do continue writing no matter what I say because you are a talented author and there really isn't enough good HP/Eragon stories written. So no matter what I say please keep writing what you want to write.
I have enjoyed your story so much but this chapter just threw me off entirely. He is way too smart to realize that even if he saves them now how many other innocents is he going to kill by swearing to follow her or how is he going to actually ever be free from her. This is such a monumentally stupid thing to do for someone that is supposed to be smart. It doesn't matter when he becomes free all the things she is going to make him do is going to be a bad thing in the end. He has just become the thing he hates the most a Forsworn. Because even if she doesn't give him to Galbatorix he still gave his servitude to someone that follows him.
So even if you get him free from her in the next chapter without him doing anything bad then there was no point in having him do it in the first place. Then if he does do bad things for her he has probably lost all the trust the races could have had for him and any sympathy anyone else would have for him. Also, it makes me disconnect from him since he choose to do this to himself so when he follows her and does what she says I am probably going to start disliking him because of it which will make me not enjoy the story even more now.
So while I don't know if I am going to continue reading your story, mostly depending on when the new chapter comes out, I hope that you can figure this situation out in a way that isn't going to compromise your characters and not upset your readers.
Thanks for the enjoyable story, up to this one at least. I do hope you keep on writing.
11/4/2020 c8 1malinkody
I read the whole story. Up till the end of this chapter it was fine. But for an elf, even a young one, to bind himself with an oath to a forsworn is ridiculous. From all the evidence we see in the books elves are extremely rational and this outcome was the stupidest thing I've ever seen. With all the knowledge of History, especially recent History, this should have been the last thing that Faenor should have done. Well I hope you're going somewhere with this. I'm guessing you're going to introduce the house elves, which I find very much unnecessary. I did enjoy the story so far, so I'm holding out hope.
1malinkodyI read the whole story. Up till the end of this chapter it was fine. But for an elf, even a young one, to bind himself with an oath to a forsworn is ridiculous. From all the evidence we see in the books elves are extremely rational and this outcome was the stupidest thing I've ever seen. With all the knowledge of History, especially recent History, this should have been the last thing that Faenor should have done. Well I hope you're going somewhere with this. I'm guessing you're going to introduce the house elves, which I find very much unnecessary. I did enjoy the story so far, so I'm holding out hope.
10/26/2020 c8 A Guest
Fëanor you fool (well he's still a child so... but still)!
Fëanor you fool (well he's still a child so... but still)!
10/26/2020 c4 Guest
WALL OF TEXT. Let me give you a bit of advice, Always start a new pargraph for different peoples dialogue.
ex.
"How are you?" Feanor said.
"I'm fine." Arya replied, shrugging her shoulder.
Never put two or more peoples dialogue in the same paragraph.
WALL OF TEXT. Let me give you a bit of advice, Always start a new pargraph for different peoples dialogue.
ex.
"How are you?" Feanor said.
"I'm fine." Arya replied, shrugging her shoulder.
Never put two or more peoples dialogue in the same paragraph.
10/22/2020 c7 A Guest
Actuallly... sorry I can't remember their names, I think Orik called a few. Maybe Gúntera, king of deities (and the one who indicates by his presence if a dwarven king rule will be long and not horrible, and that originally didn't want to create any race to populate Alagaësia, if I remember correctly), Kìlf, godess of the water (who didn't create any race, that we know of at least), Helzbog, creator of the dwarves (from stone), Morgothal, god of fire (and in a way of smiths), Sindi, godess of the Earth (and creator of humans from seeds in the soil), and UrÛr, god from the heavens. Morgothal and Urûr were brothers that created the dragons...
Now that I think about it the names and story background make it very similar to what would have happened if we fused Melkor with Aulë (or Mairon) and this fusion decided to create dragons with Manwë.
Actuallly... sorry I can't remember their names, I think Orik called a few. Maybe Gúntera, king of deities (and the one who indicates by his presence if a dwarven king rule will be long and not horrible, and that originally didn't want to create any race to populate Alagaësia, if I remember correctly), Kìlf, godess of the water (who didn't create any race, that we know of at least), Helzbog, creator of the dwarves (from stone), Morgothal, god of fire (and in a way of smiths), Sindi, godess of the Earth (and creator of humans from seeds in the soil), and UrÛr, god from the heavens. Morgothal and Urûr were brothers that created the dragons...
Now that I think about it the names and story background make it very similar to what would have happened if we fused Melkor with Aulë (or Mairon) and this fusion decided to create dragons with Manwë.
10/22/2020 c7 Rick
Did a google search for an Inheritance Cycle wiki and this came up. Hope it helps.
wiki/Deity
Did a google search for an Inheritance Cycle wiki and this came up. Hope it helps.
wiki/Deity