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for Remnants

5/18/2023 c1 16Plague Doctor 2035
Very tragic and heart felt
8/1/2020 c1 37Proffesor Ass Spiders
What a great story. Love the detail and the weird similes/comparisons. OrangeMacawWorld said everything I could, and more, and worded it better than I can.

While I would've liked it more if Blu shared his past with her, so they'd both be comforted by their shared experience of having a tragic event happen when they were young. You could've also had a flashback, with Jewel narrating over the scene. You could do that in the way many authors do songs:

A paragraph of the event from third person.
Italics of Jewel describing the event.
A paragraph of the event from third person.

Dialogue could've been included in the italics, with Blu asking questions. Separate the flashback and their dialogue with a horizontal line.

Overall, this was an amazing one-shot with great detail and so many similes... My god the similes! And so many are more unique ones, and not a common simile. The emotions were good, and the pacing was good too. I figuratively can't wait for your next story/story update.

I read this ages ago, and I forgot to leave a review, so sorry about the delay. Better late than never, I guess. I didn't reread this, simply because I am too lazy to reread a nearly 7,000 word long one-shot. I'm going off of memory, so I apologise if I get anything incorrect, though I intentionally didn't refer to any parts in particular, only the story as a whole.

Proffesor Ass Spiders
5/14/2020 c1 Guest
What a fantastic piece of writing, which I was enthralled by from the first to the last line! I was especially impressed by your appropriate and creative use of language techniques such as metaphors and similes to both set a scene or build tension. I also enjoyed the mature way you led the reader through the complex and traumatic grief process, so imaginatively through the characterisation. As a teacher and counselor myself, I can see that using narrative in this way can help anyone to explore such a deep, personal issues.

Personally, I especially loved how you so sensitively suggested that through a trusting relationship (in this case as husband and wife) really deep trauma can be talked about. Therefore, you not only entertain through this piece, but give hope to those who may be struggling with issues themselves. In my own work, I have certainly felt that many people will offload their troubles to someone they trust, whether teacher, counsellor, parent, friend or spouse. I look forward to reading your next story- this was your best yet! ...
5/10/2020 c1 3OrangeMacawWorld
At long last, after the passage of a week if not longer, I have found the time to read and finish this story of yours, and gladly finish it I did earlier this morning. From these remarks, you can assume that my overall opinions in regards to "Remnants" are positive, and positive they most certainly are. Out of every story that you have written across your first ten months on the Rio Archive, this is without any doubt the absolute best of them all, and arguably one of the best stories of the year.

To begin in my analysis, the narrative exposition is for the most part, outstanding, and vividly presents every emotion, action, and component of scenery that you attempted to convey through literary means across the entire story itself. In fact, I would actually go as far to say that your introductory description of Jewel is objectively better than mine exhibited in the first chapter of "A Blue Bride." Each event in the story is also distributed evenly and cleanly, much to the benefit of the pacing and the enjoyment of the audience themselves.

Concerning Blu and Jewel's portrayal, you did excellent work in having our two favorite Spix's macaws naturally display their respective personalities, and the chemistry between them feels neither stiff nor forced (though the dialogue itself isn't the most accurate to the canon.) Moreover, Jewel's verbal exposition about her past in the Amazon had great effort placed into its creation, and it does express a very solemn, if not outright depressing tone, though never in a negative sense as it is after all intended to be tragic. Last on my list of the many aspects of this story that are worth commending you for is the message against senseless and voracious consumerism, which much like the chemistry, is delivered in a natural fashion and doesn't feel out of place in its use or context.

However, as no story on this Archive is ever completely perfect, there are some things here and there that are worth criticizing. Early on in the story especially, I noticed that the placement of commas was quite excessive at times, almost to the point where they stilted the pacing. Though a relatively minor flaw that gradually became less and less prevalent as the story went on, it is still worth noting. Among the many, many metaphors and similes that this singular chapter offers, there are several that are questionable in either execution or premise.

A notable example of the latter would rest in "They floated on the surface like two rubber ducks, clinging onto each other for dear life in a giant's bath tub." Other than the wording which could have been slightly modified to further emphasize their intangible bond, the fact that the dimensions of the Testament are not specified leads me to believe that from a proportional standpoint, Blu and Jewel in this simile would just appear as rubber ducks in an ordinarily-sized tub given the typical sizes of large water sources in these sorts of locations at this altitude.

Another metaphor I found rather odd was Blu's "torpedo bombing run," which would have been perfectly reasonable to use had he swam rapidly in a linear path of travel. Instead, its use in the story is attached to his emergence from the water, which at that moment in time left me in confusion as aerial torpedoes (or at least those from the era when non-ASW torpedo bombing was still practiced) don't ascend towards their targets.

Last of all is a geographical error, as while the Testament is clearly expressed to be located in Tijuca, it somehow has a proper shoreline and sands to complement it. To be fair, both of these elements could have been a result of the Testament actually being a gift from God and thus being capable of defying the geographical conditions of Tijuca. Still, even if this was the case, this is never mentioned within the story itself, and because of this, it ultimately makes little sense that what is in effect a mangrove swamp is located in an isolated position within Tijuca Forest.

As a whole, despite all of these errors and flaws that I have given light to, this story is again one of the year's best thus far, and it is quite clear to me now after having read it that you are talented enough to be a great Rio author. I hope that you are met with satisfaction with this review that I have posted, and I will continue in the future to read your work. Cheers!

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