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1/17 c25 Guest
Do the world a favor and never write again. Save yourself from the embarrassment.
1/17 c3 Guest
Man, I tried to read this trash, but I cannot handle it anymore. It's so bad. Like, I read bad Chinese webnovels to pass the time, and even all the rampant racism and sexism in those stories isn't as obnoxiously bad as this story is.
1/17 c2 Guest
Man, this story really is dog shit. The mood whiplash and inconsistent characterizations are just awful.

You seem like the type to take a long time to make excuses retroactively for why you've written things a certain way so you can pretend that you have a plan, then try to "subtly" retcon parts of it, but I just think you're bad at this.

There is no flow to any of this writing. It's awkward. Janky, even. It's a wonder how you could even upload any of this without melting into a puddle of pure shame.

Also, it seems like you are just going to keep ignoring that this story takes place in Japan and keep having Naruto say things or reference things that are decidedly western in nature. I mean, really? Radioactive as a ringtone? Talking about dollars? Saying "biatch" after the 90s/early 00s ended? It all sounds like he's some loser middle aged guy from the American East Coast, probably around Florida or something.

You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Anyway, that entire scene at the Devil Weeb Club was pretty bungled. Naruto was dropping references to things he should have no real way of knowing at this point about both Rias and Akeno. Unless he's actually stalking them.

Also, this (1)28yr old talking about the tits of 16-17yr old high school students to their faces is pretty ridiculous. I'm fairly sure that no one would be cool with that, least of all Akeno. People keep trying to write her as "slutty", but that's not actually accurate. Also, the whole "Hah! Gaylord!" moment with Kiba was also pretty shitty. Like, what is actually wrong with you? You failed at making it funny, but even if you had it is still very inappropriate for someone of Naruto's age and position (guy who works at the school) to be saying.

Really, if you want to keep writing Naruto as such a weird and rude cunt, you might as well rewrite this story so he's a student so that he at least has some kind of an excuse for why he thinks he can get away with it. Before you start yapping about how Naruto is canonically an idiot, do remember that he also didn't go around calling people a homo, shamed them for their perceived sexuality, and went around talking about how big Hinata's titties were. That's just you.
1/17 c1 Guest
Was this written by a middle schooler? It certainly reads like it was.

Almost every fan fiction writer is an amateur, but that doesn't mean that their writing also has to be childish.

You don't even try to take in account proper characterization. Why would Rias be all joking and flirty with a fat, beardo gardener who is (as far as she knows) at least over a decade older than her?

Why would she, and several other students refer to Naruto by his given name? Even in the west, that likely wouldn't happen. He'd be "Mr. Uzumaki" in almost every school in the west. But this story takes place in Japan. There's zero chance he would ever be referred to so casually by students in Japan of all places, where they're obsessed with maintaining a strict social hierarchy. He'd always be "Uzumaki-san", i.e. "Mr. Uzumaki" no matter what school he's in. Anyone calling him "Naruto" would stand out as being super inappropriate and very strangely casual with him.

You'd expect maybe some punks who think they're baby Yakuza or something to call him "Naruto". Rias calling him "Naruto" and Naruto calling her "Rias" would be seen as very inappropriate for a man and a teen girl to be doing, especially given that she is a student and he's an employee at the school she attends.

In other words, the faculty would be all over his ass if they ever caught wind of it and possibly fire him as well.

I'm sure you've watched anime before, given that you're writing a crossover story for two anime. A teen girl calling a non-relative by his first name without an honorific is usually seen as a big deal because it's seen as pretty intimate in that culture.

Rias might technically be a "Westerner" or an Otherworlder given that she's a "Devil" from a species based on a Western religion and she even /looks/ "Western", but she is also massive weeb and her entire reason for attending school in Japan is that she wants to roleplay as a Japanese student. She wouldn't be ignoring Japanese social norms.

Then you have the way Naruto himself is written. He's pretty childish and doesn't act like an adult should be acting. I mean, he acts like he should be one of the students. He's like zero percent professional. He tied up some high school students as a school he works at and set other high school students to beat them with a weapon. He would go to prison for that.

The fascade of "Normal Japanese School" is something that should be maintained at the school, given that all these devils are using it as a front. They want to be seen as very normal. Ignoring local social norms and laws wouldn't happen, at least not "publicly". Naruto wouldn't get away with that behavior. And the fact that he's even acting that way doesn't really make sense given that he's supposed to be over 100 years old.

You'd think he'd have some wisdom and chill by this point. I came into this story expecting some kind of pseudo-zen master Naruto who uses Mokuton and wisdom to carve his own niche in the world, once his gardener life is shot to shit by all the supernatural happenings in town and around the school after dark. What I got is basically your typical "Naruto attends high school and he's suuuuuch a prankster!" story which is pretty boring. Pranking has never actually been interesting or funny anyway. And it's just something that Naruto did /literally/ to get attention as a kid. Why would he be attention whoring now when he's trying to go under the radar?

Anyway, there's other shit I could complain about like how Naruto "conveniently" befriends and becomes a drinking buddy with Azazel and how he's coveniently getting drunk when you preface this all by saying he should be able to get drunk just so he can attack Raynare, etc. but there's really no point. By the end of the chapter, it becomes pretty apparent that this story isn't going to be written in a manner that's interesting or pays attention to subtlety or consequences. It's just another immature story where dumb "anime shenanigans" happen because... anime? Not because they make sense for the setting or the story, or that they at all make sense for what's going on. No, no, they have to be there because /anime/.

I feel like fan fiction writers who like to write anime-related shit should take some time to read light novels so they can realize how little of that kind of retarded shit is forced in text. It happens in anime because anime is a visual media and those kinds of jokes work better in a visual medium. On text, that stuff just comes across as weird and obnoxious and kills the pacing of the story/scene.

"Wacky anime slapstick" exists because anime are /cartoons/. If Bugs Bunny were a book, I doubt there's be anywhere near as much slapstick because slapstick only really works if you're seeing it. Reading it just makes it more obvious how stupid it all is.
1/15 c25 AzureSoulReaper
i pick option b norse myth
1/12 c4 Brandon Boodoo
...lame!
1/12 c25 Guest
CHEATER. You damn liar . You said and i quote 3 chapter before Christmas. Its freaking 2021 now.
1/10 c25 SFIAT
I myself would definitely choose Celtic Mythology with Artoria.
1/5 c2 brandonmunoz499
Hinata*
1/5 c2 brandonmunoz499
It’ll be so cool if himat showed up
12/28/2020 c25 7ImInYourAttic
I am a larger fan of Celtic Mythology myself
12/27/2020 c24 biob1
Great work
12/27/2020 c25 DefinitelyNotOriginal
B, gonna choose B
12/26/2020 c25 AniDi
Celtic legend! A grown up Artoria all the way!
12/26/2020 c4 4TheOrangeLord
Aww... Kaguya, that old plot device. I was hoping this book would keep just being naruto, without any outside interference from his own world... I still enjoyed the book until now though.
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