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for The Low Spark of High-Heeled Kirito

7/1 c6 Lord Destroyer
To the author, putting in author’s note, those in parentheses, aren’t really useful or needed. Nor do you need to proclaim a male character as a husbando, no other author ever does that. If you must see him that way, do it privately in your head, don’t share it with the world. You’re coming off as a weird person by publicly proclaiming the character as such.

Also, get a proof or beta reader to smooth out what you write. It seems you are rushing things just so you can join the ranks of Kirito x Asuna fan fic writers. But there isn’t a need to, slow down a bit.

As for Flip the Table, asking the author to delete the story because your friend doesn’t like the pairing, the problem isn’t all on the author, most are on you both. If your friend doesn’t like the pairing because of her fantasies about a character, she had problems and needs to see a shrink. You also need a counseling as well, if you think the author should delete the story because of pairing due to your friend’s inability to read a story containing the said pairing. Should all other Kirito x Asuna stories also be deleted because of your friend? If you think that, then you both are selfish and narrow minded.
6/23 c4 Flip the Table
hey can you delete this? my friend ships herself with kirito and when she found this fic she literally cried on facetime :/ please do me a favor and either stop writing about kirito or stop calling him your "husbando", you're being insensitive.
she feels like kirito is cheating on her so please get rid of kirito/asuna and delete this fic. if you wanna keep writing him, do it privately.
6/23 c1 4Tawnis
Wow... you really weren't kidding about English being your second language. My advise to combat this disadvantage in writing a story in English is three fold. First: Spell Check is your best friend! It will fix a good chunk of the errors seen here. As an extension of that, instead of simply clicking the correct word you want from the drop down, delete the word and type it out yourself. This will help commit it to memory. Second: While spell check will catch a lot, you will still likely have some issues with word selection. For example when to use there, their, or they're is a very common one. This just takes practice and having a good editor will really help you iron these out of the story. Third: Read... a lot! Speaking a language and writing one are like cousins, they can cross over on a lot of things, but are still quite different... okay so that wasn't the best analogy, but I hope you get what I meant. Just because you can speak a language well, doesn't mean you can write in one. Read as much as you can and eventually you will start knowing the right thing to do even if you're not exactly sure why.

Okay, now onto the separate beast of the story itself.

So... having a good morning greeting doesn't make a lot of sense. Aside from the fact that there isn't one in cannon... what is the point of it? You shouldn't have anything in your story just because, there should be a reason for everything you put in it.

Why would he assume that Asuna got up hours earlier? There should be some additional context here. Did Kirito sleep in until noon or later? Is Asuna always up at the crack of dawn? It's important to let your readers know what assertions in the story are being made if that can't see something happening.

The company that made SAO is called Argus, not Kayaba Industries.

Uhh... what's the deal with Homeroom? Is this some kind of school AU or something? That one really has me scratching my head. Again context, especially for something that is so out of place.

Okay... so Kirito and Kayaba... really? I have no issue with same sex couples, but in fan fiction it is very rarely done well; especially if the characters aren't romantically involved in the source material. See, the less romantic chemistry two characters have in the source material, the harder it is to write a convincing romance, or even an attraction, between them. Let's take another pairing as an example, I find it really hard to get into any Sinon x Kirito fics because their dynamic in the show is one of close friends / comrades in arms. The only scene that lends any credence to the pairing is the one at the end of the Calibur arc when Sinon makes Kirito promise to think of her ever time he draws Excalibur. Even then though, that is most likely a callback to when in the GGO arc Kirito made a joke about the two of them being on a date in front of someone who obviously liked Sinon to get under her skin. That's not to say that it can't be done, but with something like that, you basically have to start the romance from scratch and writing convincing romance isn't an easy thing. You have to have create a solid foundation to build upon and go from there. Just throwing something in like Kirito randomly has a crush on Kayaba is going to make your story far less believable. My advise, until you improve on your writing, stick to the pairings in whatever source material you are writing about. Even then, unless you feel you can write the pairing really well, try to stick to ones that at least have a solid foundation in the source material even if they aren't couples. For example, if I were to put any two of the single SAO characters together it would be Liz and Klein. Out off all the non Kirito and Asuna characters, they have the most interaction with each other and have this constant cute banter back and forth that could be seen as awkward flirting.

Lastly, you should clean up your story explanation a little as well. You should have a little more on who this Ronaldo is, he's just randomly dropped in there with no explanation. He's an OC obviously, but why does he have the internal monologue of a squirrel? Are you trying to say he get's distracted easily? How does he relate to the story that you are going to be telling?

So, I think that's the longest review I've ever written for a chapter this short but there it is. XD I hope it helps out. As a final note you'll probably get a lot of flack over a story like this because it is so rough. I usually don't advise going back and re-writing old chapters as it takes away from progressing the main story, but as you improve you really should. At the moment this short little chapter with a lot of errors will turn a lot of people off of this story. You need a hook no later than the end of your first chapter, something that grabs the reader and makes them need to know what is going to happen next. Without this, most people will just move on to the next story.

Best of luck. :)
6/23 c3 Guest
omg i just read thru all of the other chapters pls keep posting i rlly like leaga shes so good aaaa
6/22 c3 Guest
Did this really deserve a third chapter?
6/22 c1 Egg
What the fuck
6/22 c2 Kirito
i love myself some good leafa fanfic. will you be posting a consistent update schedule? excited for next chapter :)
6/21 c1 Mr. ChunkTrunk
Ecks Dee
6/21 c2 Joe S
You have succeeded in creating the shittiest, most putrid thing I have ever encountered on this shit-hole of a site. Assuming you are a... novice writer... here is some healthy criticism. Normally I would feel bad about dissecting something like this, but apparently you did not feel bad about making me want to throw myself out of a window by producing this monstrosity, so I will proceed.

First, have you even watched Sword Art Online? Having only seen FOUR episodes I could write a fanfic more accurate than yours. Isn't Leafa from the second season? This actually does not make sense at all. The more I think about it the less hope I have in this goddamn site.

Second, "Homeroom"? I'm confused, to say the least. I really don't know what to say about this. I just- no. There's nothing I can say to address that.

Third: Please, PLEASE consider spell checking your god-awful writing before putting it on display for the rest of the world to see. Even if your plot was exactly the same as it stands right now if you had even CONSIDERED spell checking it it would have been 10x more digestible.

I could say so much more, but the more I try to break down this mess the more I find to say about it. Please use spellcheck if you, for some reason, want to continue writing this atrocity. That's it. Fuck this site.
6/16 c2 brett
epic chapter. that klein dude seems cool,
6/16 c1 brett
i’m absolutely riveted.
6/16 c2 SAOFan2011
Leafa is ma waifuu!
6/16 c2 bruh moment
good read i liked when the drugs

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