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for Edge of Doom Part 1: the Judicials

4/18 c2 4A Lover of Nature
Nice way to introduce the characters of the story on the job with a little bit of background scattered in between actions.
4/18 c1 A Lover of Nature
Interesting and original set-up! I don't think I read anything about the Judicial Forces before but it makes sense they'd try to make up for their lack of firepower via sneaky means. I am curious as to how exactly a Jedi managed to accidentally sell a planet, but that does sound like the sort of Jedi who would be involved in this work.
4/12 c4 1Kam I Am
I don't know what it is but immediately translating Shyriiwook into English, particularly exclamations is really foshing funny. "I CAN'T BREAK THE DROIDS" xD

I CANT WEAR GLOVES. Try wearing a mask all day Awerl, you big baby.

I had to double check that that was /the/ Passel Argente you were talking about and was pleased, that handsome boi. I appreciate the fact that you're just going in with the lore references, casual readers better grab a lifeboat. Doubling back I realized that Mr. Argente had been mentioned briefly back in Chapter 1 as the target, which makes this whole mission make a lot more sense in retrospect xD. With everything else going on that nugget of information seemed easier to gloss over and might be something to emphasize more in chapters 2 and 3.

You're using Awerl to great comedic effect. When you gotta go you gotta go.

I've actually wondered as a kid if it was possible to pull the move that Carver did, stepping through the Droideka's shields. I don't know if there's anything lore-wise to back it up, and it almost certainly would hurt (i'm assuming that's what Carver's initial "Arghhhhh!" was for, anyways).

This chapter reinforced Pax and Awerl's dynamic in the same way that last one reinforced Jazal and Aveross. Thus far, it's pretty clear those two pairs have been the focus and barring a potential rewrite of these early chapters I'd definitely say following a closer perspective among them with less scattershot mentions of the rest of the team would help to keep a more central focus and flow.

That's just going off what I've read so far though, hard to predict how many more characters we'll have enter the fray :p.
4/10 c3 Kam I Am
Jazal's character portrait at the beginning was a welcome change-up - although I had to refer back to chapter 1 to confirm she had been previously introduced. Which, considering I just read it roughly 10 minutes ago may or may not be a good sign :p. I loved how in-depth you went for her backstory though, schooling and all.

Speaking of Jazal, the datapad she pulls out seems to have gotten a larger descriptive anecdote than 90 percent of the cast thus far. I kinda like it in a nerdy deeplore kinda way.

... But I also feel like it's representative of what the story's been prioritizing in the descriptive department thus far. Both for better and worse.

"Jazal did not need to hear the reports. She had felt it."

Damn Jazal, I felt that too.

bit of SPaG for ya - "Security, how many much help can you offer?" think you just need 'much' here.

Famous last words there at the end Aveross. This chapter felt a bit more focused all around, it primarily followed Jazal and Averross with the central conflict being the attack on the ship. As rapid fire as the story's been so far, this felt like it brought some much needed focus.

On the flip side, I do appreciate the shorter chapter lengths. As gruesome as things have been so far, I've enjoyed it :).
4/10 c2 Kam I Am
Ho baby, that Sienar Chall's something else. Looks like a shark whose dorsal fin grew as long as its body grew chunky.

Was about to comment on the rapid influx of another cast of characters but I felt you managed to highlight this one better than the last. Awerl's got a great anecdote about his place on the team that adds a lot to the writing.

Immediately I got lost again but I realized you started using first and last names interchangably - or at least that seems to be the case for Zuro Pax. I know the Dramatis Personae gets added to later stories, but I wonder if it might be worth the effort to put in this one.

Yeesh, Oc'nel got the tar beat out of him.

I'm liking Pax and Awerl's dynamic so far. "No, you may not stomp on his face" xD. In general the dialogue's been a high point so far, any time you've injectd some more voice or character into the prose it's really stood out to me in a good way. Liking it so far :).
4/10 c1 Kam I Am
Figured I'd start back in from the beginning since it's been long enough that most details are fleeting for me.

I really like the short bursts of description you use to capture characters, "mangy greying afro'd" sure has got some kinda ring to it xD.

Eyy, there's Rael, I recall having a discussion about him at one point in time. Ringo Vindan drawl - that's a deep cut right there, and Rael's canon homeworld apparently. Nice attention to detail :p.

Had to look up the Koorivar, that horn of their sure would make wardrobe decisions interesting.

Great end to the chapter with that violent encounter.

Altogether I would say this chapter balances precariously between being a nice intro to the story to being altogether too quick. In the stretch of a page we're introduced to six characters, the locale, and multiple species. You basically have to have a PhD in Star Wars to comfortably track what's happening without re-reading the same passage more than once.

I suppose it's a good thing I've been working on my post grad on and off for several years now.
3/27 c1 5Hibbidyhai
This was really well done. Your characters are engaging, with just enough info to get a sense of their personalities without feeling bogged down in exposition. The first section had the feel of an in-universe field guide, I wonder if you could play up that angle, maybe in the form of a mission brief, and shift the details about Itoll into the main section.

You had a good sense of intrigue here. As outside an observer we kind of know what they are up against, but they don't. That tension works. Something I noticed is that in several places the character will use a code phrase, as in "Cresh-5 has crossed the point of ingress" and then you repeat the information in plain english. I think I would stick to one or the other, because it takes away the point of using codes in the first place. In the first instance I thought it was due to the Jedi being amatuerish compared to the operatives, but it happened in other places too. Personally I think you could stick with the codes, the context is usually pretty clear for the reader.

On the other hand I do like how you handled Bothese. You get the immersive feeling of being in a real universe while also not having to learn a language to understand it.

Nice work. The first chapter leaves me wanting more, so I plan to move onto chapter two soon.
1/1 c2 1figbassist75
To start off, I really like the timeline in the opening chapter. Seeing operations by a Pre-Clone Army/Pre-Clone Wars Republic is a very interesting take. Besides established works such as films and licensed novels, we don’t see very many fanfics based in this era. Great job in establishing the story in that regard.

The inclusion of Bothans is another nice touch to the chapter as well. I’ve always been intrigued by them ever since Mon Mothma stated that “Many Bothans died to bring you this information” in Return of the Jedi. I also enjoyed the characterization through the description associated with this particular Bothan’s heterochromia. That gave the character even more of an appeal.
Oc’nel and Carver make an interesting duo. Their interactions with both the setting as well as each other definitely give this story the feeling of being in the famed galaxy far, far away that we have come to know and love. They definitely belong in that universe.

The feeling of despair in the galaxy in this timeline is intertwined within the story. A droid army is growing in strength and number. The only formal protection from such a threat is the Jedi Order with no army to support them. Those elements combined with the plot of this story pays due respect to the lore in this time period in the galaxy.

The action in the chapter was exciting and I will have to read more as time allows. Overall, the opening chapter of this fanfic was a good hook to draw readers into wanting to continue on in the tale. Keep up the good work!
9/26/2020 c1 2YoungW
Really cool book. I really liked your stable of original characters and the exploration of Bothans as major figures in the story we already kind of knew but from a different point of view, the POV of the entitled 'heroes' as opposed to these front line Judicials. It was fascinating to follow your use of these 'lesser' characters to criticise, and to use an overused term, 'deconstruct' some of the inconsistencies, mistakes or hypocrisies of the Jedi and the Republic. I started to feel immersed in the collapsing certainties, the anomie, the disappointment, the point of no return the galaxy was reaching - and without the overly simple blame-game of everything being Palpatine's doing, but rather structural problems, emotional reactions and bad decisions. Look forward to moving onto the next books for more excitement. Keep up the good work, Agent Golm-Fervse-dra.

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