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7/18/2020 c1 23St Elmo's Fire
Hi! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If you do choose to take my advice I will be glad, but you don't have to feel like I'm making demands of you. I usually try to point out things that could help with future stories, so they can be useful even if you don’t want to edit the current story. Feel free to disagree with my interpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why. I will be pointing out grammatical errors as well; please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, but that I honestly believe corrections can improve the story. You are free to verify everything I say on Grammarly or other open-access grammatical resources if you think I've gotten anything wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[A boy saw a Glaceon perform at a Contest one day and asked his parents if he could be a pokémon when he grew up, they said yes.]

This is a comma splice. You need to split this sentence in two or use a different transition.

[15 miles from the coastline]

Numbers must always be written out when they begin a sentence.

[all 3 floors]

Additionally, in prose, numbers less than 13 or so are written out with letters.

[similar sines of use]

You want “sign”. “Sine” is the ratio of the opposite side of a triangle to its hypotenuse.

[The experiment itself is a ten-by-ten-foot hollow plexiglass cylinder filled with nutrient fluid, like an egg. Inside is a thing with four limbs and a head.]

Surely the thing inside the container is the experiment?

[In anticipation of something filling the increasingly empty void, he attempts to drag his body to the machine.]

You refer to the creature as “it” elsewhere. Be consistent with pronouns.

[Stumbling and crawling down the hallway, I see a door, it looks familiar. I approach.]

You abruptly shift to first-person POV here. You should keep POV consistent throughout the story.

This is interesting, but your grammatical errors and clunky sentences distract from the story. I’d recommend getting a beta reader to help you.

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