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for The Fated Gamer Archer

10/8/2020 c3 M2R
i suggest you put the stats somewhere else. i know it helps to you keep the track on your OC but do not need to show us all the time. keep it somewhere else where you can see but not putting the story mainly as stats info dump

if this keep going, your story won't go that far. in my honesty, this story doesn't go anywhere at all. my suggestion is that you need to entice the readers, us, more with the story progress not the system or the gamer or the stats progress.

i suggest you put the stats somewhere else. i know it helps to you keep the track on your OC but do not need to show us all the time. keep it somewhere else where you can see but not putting the story mainly as stats info dump

if this keep going, your story won't go that far. in my honesty, this story doesn't go anywhere at all. my suggestion is that you need to entice the readers, us, more with the story progress not the system or the gamer or the stats progress.

you may off the explanation of the system or the gamer. we don't meed to know a lot of kansho and bakuya information. it is nice to see the history but, i dont mean to be rude, I read your story for Thomas's story not kansho and bakuya.

i hope this might helpful to you and forgive me if you feel insulted or upset
9/23/2020 c4 4viewing civilian
I like the idea, but the whole story so far is a massive info dump, that doesn’t do anything for the plot. It just makes it hard to read. I saw you said you include them for your character piece of mind. If that’s the case, it’d be best to find a way to simplify that way you don’t have 90% stat and 10% story. Maybe in a way that the character themselves can point out, since those would be the stats that actually matter atm.

There’s a ton of Fate stories that do a super good job of that kinda thing (I know it’s hard since nasu is built of stats and ‘skills’ lol). Definitely recommend taking a look and see what other writers are doing to make it simple, yet true to their stories
8/25/2020 c4 Yameteee
Another "chapter" with only stat and no progression in story. lol
8/26/2020 c4 3CmdrBlackHeart
Pretty good so far, but might I suggest either simplifying the skill descriptions of already covered skills such as for leveled up skills, or making a separate "story" specifically for the Stat sheets and skills and update them alongside the story
8/25/2020 c4 M2R
i suggest you put the stats somewhere else. i know it helps to you keep the track on your OC but do not need to show us all the time. keep it somewhere else where you can see but not putting the story mainly as stats info dump

if this keep going, your story won't go that far. in my honesty, this story doesn't go anywhere at all. my suggestion is that you need to entice the readers, us, more with the story progress not the system or the gamer or the stats progress.

you may off the explanation of the system or the gamer. we don't meed to know a lot of kansho and bakuya information. it is nice to see the history but, i dont mean to be rude, I read your story for Thomas's story not kansho and bakuya.

i hope this might helpful to you and forgive me if you feel insulted or upset
8/25/2020 c4 14RedBurningDragon
typo on the knifes at the start
8/25/2020 c4 Shadowoel
honestly was really disappointed that most of the chapter was pretty much useless info and very little story. putting in the complete bio of the character at the end was fine but wasn't needed in the story just put what his looking at it'll save time and lets you continue the story.
8/9/2020 c3 1Crytach
you need to stop doing this, your story has potential, but your chapters are literally 80% stats 10% story and 10% authors notes, you need to change those percentages asap.
8/8/2020 c3 14RedBurningDragon
Well structural analysis is a key part to tracing a its what gives him the blueprints
Whistling skills makes me think of Life is Beautiful from Deadly Premonition
8/8/2020 c3 M2R
nicee
8/8/2020 c3 M2R
nicee
8/4/2020 c2 3Obsidian Nova Arc
seems interesting, lol forget how Busted any Emiya is, you should read Improv Fu, and adding aura to his strengthening skill could turn a melon hammer into a city smasher, as a writer working on their own system built from the gamer I recommend putting in a gatcha with lots of surprises, lol lookout Salem my guys getting a chucky doll just for you
7/29/2020 c1 Guest
First fix the changing POV, second make an actual summary.
7/28/2020 c2 Guest
awww okay that's fine that Trafalgar ain't on the list. If a deceased person that has to make it on the list can it be Portage D Ace with the Mera Mera no Mi?

Also can I make a suggestion to add other antagonist from other series?
Thank you and stay safe!
7/30/2020 c2 35dannyrockon122
Awesome
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