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for No Responsibility

8/12 c1 17dtill359
Dropping by from the WA Special Places Challenge.

I’m going to write down my thoughts as I read.

Right off, I’m unsure what’s going on with the narrator. The way the first paragraph is worded, I’m not sure whether Nadir is a changeling, or if she encountered a changeling—or both. Looks like both judging from the rest of the opening scene, but the number of pronouns used make the distinction between Sapphire Twinkle and Nadir hard to decipher in numerous places.

“In a flash” is a cliché. A more original metaphor would strengthen the prose here.

“Upwards into the sky” is redundant. Keep either “upwards,” or “into the sky,” not both. Same for “falling down.”

I’m having trouble following the speakers for the untagged dialogue. None of the character voices are established aside from Nadir, and the dialogue is generic enough that it’s difficult to tell who’s speaking.

The scene with Strife is confusing. I’m not sure if Strife is a different character, or if it’s Discord using another name in light of this sentence, “Nadir shot magical fire at Discord.”

I was a bit confused in the scene where Nadir comes home to find Night Skies. When Nadir shifts to her true form, is that something Night Skies had seen before? Or was this something new to him? His reaction seems to indicate it’s new, but I’m not sure from the prose since he never says anything about it.

Once we make the time jump, we encounter a whole new host of characters. I’m assuming Twilight Sparkle is the narrator for this section.

The frequent addition of new characters is a lot for someone like me who doesn’t know them. Are all of them absolutely necessary for this story?

I’m still having a lot of trouble identifying speakers for the untagged dialogue—especially with the addition of all the new cast members.

Why is Pinkie Pie giggling while watching ponies be eaten?

I was confused about whether the Discord from the first section was the same as the Discord from the second. I’m still not sure if he’s the same person. If it was the same person both times, why didn’t Discord remember Nadir when he saw her? Why didn’t he know what was going on when they came to the town and found out what was going on?

Is there a gender mix-up here: “Twilight encased Discord in a bubble so she couldn’t hear her”? Shouldn’t it be, “so she couldn’t hear him”?

I wasn’t sure what the Elements of Harmony were, so the two mentions of them didn’t make a lot of sense to me. If they’re vital to the story, I would love to have had more explanation about them.

This sentence seems odd to me: “Twilight restored peace by leaving the world without kindness.” I’m not sure what idea is being conveyed.

I think I missed the part where Discord sent Nadir to another world…

Overall, I felt like this should have been a novella, not a short story. There are several places where events happen so suddenly they’re jarring. A more gradual lead-up would have helped tremendously. There are logic gaps too. There’s also a big info dump during the last third of the story that could be abandoned in favor of a few scenes that show what’s being told instead.

In regard to the Special Places element, I wasn’t sure what it was. I can see Radiant is a significant place in Nadir’s life, but I can also see Discord’s world as a significant place in her life. The narrator shift sends Radiant into the background though, so using it as the Special Place doesn’t seem to carry the same weight once we skip those thousand years.

Congrats on finishing your story and good luck in the contest.
7/31 c1 102otherrealmwriter
Well this was quite an interesting story here. I liked the twists and what you did with Discord and the Changling. Best of luck in the challenge.
7/28 c1 91Sara K M
Hi, reading this for the WA Special Places Challenge. I'm actually familiar with this fandom, because my daughters have been watching a lot of it lately.

I like the way you show the change between "old Discord" (who only wants to cause chaos and trouble) and "reformed Discord" (who is friends with the ponies). I've always enjoyed reformed characters.

The ponies seem relatively in character. Twilight Sparkle is called to investigate a possible problem, and her friends help her.

I do like the ending. It's a good cliffhanger. So Twilight isn't as well liked as she wants to believe? What will happen? I don't read this fandom at all, but it almost makes me want to follow it, just to see what might happen to her in this story.

However, as this is supposed to be for the "WA Special Places Challenge," I don't see a reference to any place that's is special to any of the characters.

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