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for A Heroes's End

8/24/2020 c6 21234booklover
Certainly an interesting chapter... this also gives a vague explanation on why Annabeth ran away from CHB.
You could give a small backstory on how Annabeth came to Pakistan.
One tip: Don't include A/N's in the middle of the chapter, it disrupts the flow of the chapter.
8/16/2020 c5 1234booklover
I really like this chapter! You've tried to improve your work, compared to the 1st chapter, this one is v good! Your paragraphing is great as usual.
So, now, you can improve your details. Small stuff makes up the chapter. I'm just going point-wise.

1. Instead of happy, use other words. 'Happy' is too simple. Like the first time you've used happy, replace it with cheerful. And the second time in the last para, replace it with...idk...delighted? -this comes under vocab, I've given you an example... I'l give another, "Percy just stared at me..." could be come "merely started at me.."

2. Make your sentence structure better. "After 2 hours of knocking constantly" could become " After 2 hours of constant knocking" this makes the sentence better. However, sometimes, you must use the 1st method so the sentences don't feel like the same. "But I asked Percy again and this time he answered. 'Okay so.." could change to "I repeated my questions, and this time he answered ' I had a dream..." if you don't need to use the words don't use them.

3. Describe! How was Percy's room when Piper entered? Obviously he would be distraught, so how was he looking. Perhaps "his eyes were sunken and red. With tear tracks glistening on his face"..."Percy's room was messy, with clothes flung across the bed. The cupboards were open, and small notes littered the floor. The son of Poseidon self-consciously glanced around the room, and then invited me inside"

There's probably more, but I'm too lazy to type everything, cause I can't copy paste and explain you. But PM me if you want the list, I'll send it to you, along with the edits... Have I missed anything? Don't think so.
And a PS:
Once you've finished your story, take a break and don't read it for a day. Then the NEXT day you proof-read it. You'll be surprised at how you'll be able to edit it!
8/5/2020 c2 KaleidoscopeGuy
Hiya! I absolutely loved it! I can’t wait for the next chapter!
8/7/2020 c3 1234booklover
Interesting story... Can't wait for more!

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