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for The Game Must Go On

10/23/2020 c7 0vrLrd71
Definitely my favourite chapter to date! of this story
10/23/2020 c3 relyt118
Please don't write out things like "- Scene change –" or "-Sairong-". It's lazy and disrupts the reader's flow. Just use a line or something like *** to show a scenebreak.

You should be careful with your PoV as well - Sairong started 1st and ended 3rd.

It's clear that you're mimicking Shiro. Gamer, asshole MC, the alternate perspectives at the end, etc. I'm going to recommend that you don't. The best aspect of Shiro's writing is quantity. After that, the smut is decent if it fits your kink, and his asshole MC's are occasionally likeable. In pretty much every other way his writing is mediocre at best. Personally, I'd recommend emulating A Practical Guide to Evil or The Chronicles of Fid instead, but the choice is ultimately yours.

Bowing out here. Best of luck with your writing.
10/23/2020 c2 relyt118
Narrating the character's thoughts is fine, but it should really be used as commentary, not as the bulk of the story. Reading about the MC thinking to himself is just... boring.

You should grammar-check your writing before posting. A trick I've found helps is reading it slowly and out loud. Sometimes your ear catches what your eyes miss.

Way too much infodumping. The dialogue also tends towards large quotes with little imagery or description.

Stat crystals... why bother? It seems like you're just complicating the System for no particular reason.

You're stuffing a lot of things into the plot. Horcrux hunts, killing Voldemort, revenge on the Potters and Dumbledore, evil Dumbledore, asshole Fake-Boy-Who-Lived, the Deathly Hallows, lewding witches, lewding devils, an arranged marriage, Sairong and his peerage, a deal with Death, becoming a devil, becoming the Heir of Bael... I'd argue that it's too much. You're juggling enough plot lines for like three different stories and It's just the second chapter.

Ellipses (the "...") should have no more and no less than three dots.
10/23/2020 c6 0vrLrd71
Damn, I love your story,
liked this chapter too
that last part got me laughing!
10/23/2020 c1 relyt118
I don't understand the recent trend towards Evil gamers. Evil characters can be interesting, but you really have to make sure that the reader empathises with the character. Characters who are Evil when there are clear alternatives and the reader doesn't know/like them enough to accept their flaws are just assholes. This MC doesn't even give us the courtesy of being a likeable asshole.

Yes, this MC is Evil, I don't care if you put True Neutral on the character sheet. He has no hesitation, no mercy, no guilt. No empathy, at least not so far. His greatest motivators thus far are anger, vengeance, and greed. I just... don't understand why you'd write an AU perfect for righteous vengeance and writing wrongs and waste it on an Evil MC.

Mechanically, the System seems kind of odd. Harry got way too much growth from a single dungeon run. You could blame the "Genius" perk, but giving the gamer a broken perk is the author's fault too, so that's no excuse.

The MC starts at level one despite taking over a body responsible for some pretty badass things. The MC has all of Harry's memories, yet his knowledge and skill regarding magic aren't mentioned at all.
10/23/2020 c5 0vrLrd71
Wait what? he wakes up(4days before returning) then sees Meredith still asleep and then a paragraph over, he wakes up again?

It seems that either happens because you forgot what you wrote or, left at that point, took a break, and returned, because that's the second time you repeat yourself and a couple paragraphs over you do it again but with the trust her part but instead rewrote it, I mean it's easy to fix and your definitely not alone, oh God, I can't remember how many times it happened to me

I wonder, if he ain't going to use the skill orb, who would he give it to?
10/23/2020 c4 0vrLrd71
That ending doesn't give me a good feeling about the future, if it happens again, oh God
I mean I'll trust what you said in the AN, but another story did something similar and then the author said "don't worry, there won't be anything of the kind again" next thing we know, like 5 chapters later he does it again, and deletes the AN, acting oblivious and all

true, I've only read like 2 gamers in One Piece, and 2 mores with different systems, maybe I'm forgetting some but those are the only ones that stick

looking forward to the Naruto part though
10/23/2020 c3 0vrLrd71
Huh, last chapter in the Observe I think you got Sairaorgs name right(Once or twice only I think), but now it's "Sia",
Well, Serafall said it right... lol

Wait are mutation pieces made or do they get mutated when they get connected to the king?

HOLY M- fuck, that ending, I wonder how many times she had the same track of thought... that's sad, I kinda want Hermione as a possible piece, maybe a pawn? idk, it's alright if she isn't, oh well
10/23/2020 c2 0vrLrd71
I don't think Sairaorg is gay, more like he likes that you actually do exercise because he thinks it's something guys, and maybe galls, should do, he'll probably get married or interested in a female that has muscles

and yes, I know he could have not been serious out that

Shouldn't he also know some basic Magical Human magic? while gaining devil magic(shaped by imagination, I mean look at what spells and magic Issei came up with) is OP, what he already knows isn't bad too, though I mean on the versatile side, and also gives a base incase he wants to create some spells with devil magic, I mean he can use Wizard Magic as a base for general spells and other stuff

That AN is nice, considering that some DXD logic and world rules is applied to Harry Potter World then most of the girls would be pretty decent, and at least above average or average in appearance and rarely ugly, I'm looking forward to Hermione, she looks good, not the kid her btw, and since they are 16, 17 for Hermione, she'll definitely look good
10/23/2020 c1 0vrLrd71
I almost thought I read the setting wrong, and instead I opened a Harry Potter x Gamer book, considering his name is Harry(I ignored the J. first time around LMAO) ANd then saw (Human(MagicalOh fuck, should have read first, so it's DXD with a bunch of other world's or something. (I should really read the whole chapter)

Sucks, if he had [IDCEmpty he could have left the house without alerting the wards

"Magical or life sensing skill" I never did get how others were able to detect someone using the invisible cloak considering the first user was able to hide from death (or was that fanon) with out any explanation, unless Dumbledork(as apparently he is that here) left a hole in the cloak to allow him to detect someone using it, like an enchantment or charm or something and everyone else is just piggy backing on that?

"Reject dial"? One Piece? Awesome, I think I saw this one too in another FF, where some dude was called Ace and he has a bootleg One Piece game system he kinda designed in his last life

"Gandalf*, accepting both the quests, I use ID Escape*"

Eh, I don't think Ariana was hot, maybe since this is an AU(hell that's an understatement) she looks different then what we know?

You repeated the Inventory part twice, first on the trunk and then the body, unless this is a whoosh moment for me?

Shouldn't they have name tags or does little signs with names? that seem sensible to have in a counter...

Why did I imagine dumbledore saying "Keikakou" or however you spell it, LMAO!

"but it will not matter* anyways"

"limitless number of* lives"

Maybe use an editing/grammar program? dunno know, I'm not good enough anyways and some other mistakes probably got skipped over, considering that my mind sometimes auto corrects the small ones, that isn't doing me any good everytime I did an essay or when I want to write something lol

PoD? Damn, I wonder how he got it, also mirror alice? that makes sense

anyways Loved the chapter, I'll keep reading, this is like the 6th Shiro inspired fic and they are all GOOD! Honestly it feels like Shiro is bringing out some of the good writers with his writing, that's awesome
10/23/2020 c10 Dio Genus
1986 not 1896
10/22/2020 c11 Koncor the great
Well that was fun.
10/19/2020 c11 Guest
Could you please have kiss-shot from bakemonogatari for his peerage or Alucard from hellsing maybe both since they are op even without any assistance.
10/21/2020 c1 Tactical-Magician
Fantastic story.
10/20/2020 c11 SleepIsMeantToBeOverdosed
Should make 2 relics based off unison devices from Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. Would be a great assistant for him. Have them be an angel and a devil just to fuck with others for laughs like a conscience.
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