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7/29 c13 Guest
Love the story never stop
5/16 c11 Griffen86
Love the story! Keep up the good work
3/22 c8 Guest
Love story never quit pls
2/15 c1 1Serena712
So far, so good! You're pretty good at writing. Definitely favoriting this one!
10/15/2020 c4 6Agent 94
With small numbers, it should be written in word, not stated numerically. 11,000 gold is fine, 11 villagers not so much.

Calcemo's lore exposition is the strongest element of this chapter, and I'm all for it. Other than maybe it needed to be cut down just a tad, there's some repeated things in there, and the bit about the Forsworn is a bit odd as wasn't it explained to him in a previous chapter? Not only that, but atm, they're not really important to Tariq and could probably be saved for another time.

So in the last three chapters, Tariq goes fight zombie, gets paid, fight cannibals, gets paid and now is doing more merc work, to get paid presumably.

This in itself is not an issue, a lot of good pulp is basically that. We're here for the ride, not the destination. At the moment, Tariq is a very reactionary character who reacts to politics like Calcemo's idea that the Thalmor will use an army of Falmer slaves to attack their enemies. It's mad, but whatever it could work.

I don't know much about Tariq. He defends the people, is a good fighter, and people like him. He doesn't seem to have an overall goal, he's not waging a big fight against the Thalmor, and he's a pretty well to do merc with his fancy armour and magic gear.

I just think there should be more to him. This may be answered in upcoming chapters, but as is, Tariq has the potential to be a more interesting character, but lacks the thematic elements that makes someone like say, Conan, who is all about barbarism vs civlisation interesting. Conan has the end goal of being king, and he does become that, but Tariq has no such thing. I've no idea why he's even in Skyrim, other than merc work.

Also he’s a cannibal? But he betrayed the cannibal cult? Was he lying? I’m kinda confused about that honestly.

He's like a new D&D character where he's just there for the adventure. That's fine for an RPG session, less so for a story.
10/15/2020 c3 Agent 94
I'm all for this combat but turtling is a very ... modern term? You know that one elf in Oblivion who talks about 'pulling the plug'? It's that. Yes I know the Romans and their turtle formation but that was a formation.

The paragraph with the swordplay is very nice with its attention to biology and impact.

I'm curious to your wording about needing a 'heavier blade' because so far the fighting is pretty grounded and doesn't go into the whole "heavy blade stronger" stuff. Tariq's scimitar shouldn't be all that much heavier than any other sword, as is the idea of using a dagger (though I'm unsure how an undead would react to wounds that would incapitate a living being).

The bit about the flyssa is nice but I honestly don't think it would be too different to his scimitar. I'd even argue the flyssa would do less than a scimitar seeing as he slice better with it. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say he would need a mace?

It's good to see you argue that the flyssa would be better as it would allow him to brace that shield, it's a cool detail - but I don't see it doing as much as a flyssa likely wouldn't have that much of difference in hilt size. One theory why Viking swords are shaped with a blocky pommel and guard is so the wielder could brace his shield with it easier. There's no reason why Tariq could not do the same with just the pommel.

It is cool however, and the story would be lesser without such neat details.

"- and the last was an archer with practically none." I know you meant armour, but consider rewording it.

The battle goes well, and it is neither too long nor too short.

The paragraph with the Eola is fine as is, but it should be split as is Banning's. A rule of thumb is that dialogue, minor as is, should be its own paragraph.

I know there's a hesitance with some authors to make their paragraphs long enough but if you look at even professinonal ones, theirs are short and to the point.

I like how Tariq goes to Ogmund goes to the bard to learn the history, but it should IMO be played as a scene where Ogmund and Tariq discuss it instead of the narrative telling it. How the text tells the reader the story of the Dragonborn is very dry, and it's a missed opportunity to not have Ogmund regale it like the bard he is.

You could even have the scene of the two speaking to each other as the first part of the chapter, like a flashback, and cutting back to the tomb raiding. It would need some editing but it could be more effective.

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I think the section where Tariq double crosses Eola is the weakest of the section for a number of reasons.

1) It follows after the tomb raiding, and there seems little in the way of scene seperations. You've used them in the previous chapters, why not here?

2) The part where Tariq tells Faleen could probably cut down, or told in between scenes. I like the bit about bringing a whole unit of guards as it's very appropriate, but that and Tariq inviting Brother Verulus lacks atmosphere.
It's just Tariq talking to two people. The Faleen and Verulus scene could be cut with two transition scenes, and maybe there should be more text on how Tariq is using him. Does he feel guilty? Justified?

3) "The guards made an attempt at coordination" - is this referring to the cultists or Faleen's guards? It seems to be th cultists, but it's very confusing seeing as Faleen is head of THE city guard.

4) Calcemo being there is kinda weird and probably not needed. He's there, out of nowhere, and I get that's the point, it doesn't add much to the story either, other than Tariq shipping him and Faleen. It comes off as more distracting than anything else.

I commend you trying something more complex, but I think of the story so far, this needs the most revision. Not even that much mind, just a little editing here and there and it would likely flow better. As is, it's a bit on the clumsy side and doesn't flow as well I thought it would.
10/15/2020 c2 Agent 94
Oh ho, a cannibal! Now this is where the fun begins.

It's so weird for Tariq to complain about bad food when he literally just had dinner with Ri'saad a chapter ago.

I really like the detail with the amulet, and how it's fancy and worth a lot. It's something I wouldn't think if I were to write this.

The paragraph mentioning Mehmet should probably be split into two paragraphs, as should the paragraph about Tariq explaining his wars with the Dominion. Also, I'm very very happy to see an Alfiq reference.

Alas, as impressive as it is, I'm wondering why the Lion of Yokuda, that to me feels like a title befitting someone more epic. It's like someone called Bear of Atmora. I'm not against it, but I don't think Tariq should have that title so early in his career, maybe later?

So did Tariq have his dinner with Ri'saad much earlier? Because I assumed after dinner he immediately went into Markath. I must eiter be reading it wrong or it's not being made that clear.

This is another case of show and tell. Here, in the exposition, we are told that Faleen has a temper. It would be better had you shown that temper much earlier, maybe she got angry at a servant or one of the Altmer. As is, Faleen seems like a pretty cool headed person to me so far.

I know Tariq uses the term Fist as an angry term, but it actually makes the Justiciar sound cooler. Fists of the Dominion is a great name for any organisation.

"I'll mark it on your map," said Calcemo.

I'm not sure how to feel about the Forsworn thing wth Calcemo. Otoh I'm glad you didn't actually go into detail, on the other, it would have worked better if it was a scene transition. Tariq goes to ask and Calcemo explains, Tariq says that's not so bad and boom, he gets attacked in the next scene.

I'm curious to see how, you clearly know your lore, make up with the fact that Redguards don't actually do the whole murder undead thing, seeing it as sacrilige yet Tariq has no issue. I know he eats people and all, but I'm curious how this goes. Is he one of the Ash'abah?
10/15/2020 c1 Agent 94
It's good to see some Redguard love around these parts!

First of, I recommend you put a seperating line between your AN/Disclaimer as you did at the end of the chapter.

I like your opening by having Ri'saad as the opening POV, but I would wager a paragraph describing the weather/location/atmosphere would do quite a bit. The line about villagers returning home is good, but the city itself should be described, even briefly.

-

Your line about Markath being a city of scum and villainy is true, but it should probably be shown that well beforehand. Perhaps how there a lot of beggars on the street, war vets with missing limbs, a person being mugged in broad daylight, and guards who looked the other way. It's a difficult line to straddle: showing and telling, but the paragraph about weak government falls on the latter.
Seeing as he had dinner with Ri'saad, maybe a line about the khajiit telling him about the city, the politics, the dragons (?), would make for a good info dump.

Ah, I see you know your theology. Not enough folks value that in their fics, and neither does Bethesda it seems.

Overall, it's short, sweet, but I do think there should be a bit more when it comes to the intro. The first chapter vaguely reminds me of a pulp story: An adventurer from a distant land selling his blade and fighting monsters. I'm all for that, but as we see everything Tariq's POV, he does come off as slightly one-dimensional, perhaps that will be rectified in the next chapter.

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