Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Silver King

7/26 c105 bkerrmom1
I am looking forward to seeing what comes next !
7/26 c104 bkerrmom1
Congratulations on your marriage!
7/24 c36 bkerrmom1
Be careful! I hurt my health badly by working 3 jobs and barely sleeping. I understand truly that bills need to be paid but try not to let the payment come at the cost of your health.
7/24 c35 bkerrmom1
Ok that was brilliant ! I absolutely love this don't fuck with me Harry!
7/24 c1 Rokai666
just so you know only bird eggs are hard reptile eggs tend to be soft and leathery
7/24 c31 bkerrmom1
I love this story ! I don't review often because at 105 chapters in it is usually a mute point. I do want to let you know how much I am enjoying this story!
7/20 c1 1Megzie1506
Please tell me that this story hasn’t been abandoned!
7/19 c92 Monkey King Omega
I. a fm Roman Catholic a I'd I t care what you believe as long as you respect me an other believes. you are good write and should never be ashamed of what you believe in. unless you belief in something stupid like its ok to murder people.
7/17 c12 Guest
nice
7/18 c105 Shoveler
really good
7/14 c37 4Alexielios
I have read the story so far and you have some good ideas. It is enjoyable to read, Jet is a lot of fun and I like the relationship with the Tonks.

But there are some problems too, even if the fic is still nice to read.
1. You need an editor. As someone already mentioned, you have a problem with tenses, and not just "sat" instead of "sitting" but also "you was" instead of "you were".
2. The vassal thing is way too much. Having people freely become slaves to other people does not make sense at all. Having a subordinate, why not, but here, it definitely goes too far when you look at the description of the thing.
3. Harry is way too overconfident and has way too much freedom regarding what he can or can't do. Even with his power demonstration in the Slytherin common room, he is still 11 and acts like he can rule over 17yo that know way more magic than him. It does not make sense. He is not protected against anyone attacking him in his sleep for example, or from behind. As powerful as he may be, he can't hold his ground against 5 or 6 seventh year students attacking him in the corridor...
4. Speeches by Harry... That's too much and too easy. IRL, no one would changed their mind that easily. And no one would just sit and listen to a 12 yo ranting about his life like that, even a famous one... Who the hell does he think he is to give lessons to others like that? This point doesn't really make sense regarding the fact that Harry is just 12.
5. I have the impression that the story will end up having a lot of lemon in it... Harry is way too sexualized. If that's the case, a warning at the beginning of it would be nice.

Nice fic, so I'll continue reading it, but these problems make it a bit less coherent and credible, which is a shame because there are some really good points to it, like how you don't stupidly bash Dumbledore like so many other fics.
7/12 c105 KobaHaphne
I think you may want to rephrase the sentence,
"I would then like it if you could go back home and Inform your mother about what happend"
Harry has said Andromeda is equivalent to his mother and saying "your mother" here shows a bit of indifference.
maybe, I am wrong.. just wanted to point out.
7/10 c10 hzlanderson
I'm not sure if you already covered this, but this story needs editing; spellchecking mostly.
7/8 c105 LAB1
This is a very entertaining story, and my favorite character is Jet. He always makes me smile with his humor. You are a great writer with a fantastic imagination. You really could use an editor to get your work more professional. Your understanding of verbs and verb tenses needs a lot of work. In chapter 86 I think and in this last chapter you used the word "sat" correctly. In nearly every chapter you have used "sat" instead of "sitting". There are numerous other verbs used incorrectly, but this is so common that it is almost a running gag about how much sitting these people are doing! Stood is another word used, instead of standing, often enough to notice. Editing is a different skill set from writing. You are a great writer and have enjoyed your story. Please take this as a gentle nudge to improve your craft.
7/8 c94 Heiress Tigris
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhaaaahaaaaaaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahaha- Oh. I realize now that was out of form. Well, no one can say it was uncalled for.
7,762 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 7 14 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service