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for Team AVLN - Oneshot

2/9 c1 2gogo bananas
Bro make this into an actual story damn
10/30/2020 c1 Starlord Master
Good story.
9/17/2020 c1 psychominer
a nice story but i cant help but feel it suffers from a slight problem of what i call "only the characters i focus on can be competent" buts its only slight as this is a one shot
9/17/2020 c1 SentinalSlice
The Armor feels too complicated, perhaps in the future lessening the layers or making it less compact when not on. The fact that Jaune’s armor is mechashifting armor makes it feel inherently fragile. The crown thing is cool though, I approve of that. Also, in the future, I would consider having Jaune have at most two weapons. In the world of RWBY a weapon is a big representation of someone, and rarely do they consider or even want a backup. Now I’m all for the secondary weapon, but having a second primary seems a bit much. Instead why not just take Crocea Mors and make the alternate weapons be part of a mechashift upgrade when the sword is combined with the shield. You could also make the shield bigger, because Tall!Jaune and that would give you more material to work with for weapons.
On Jaune’s personality, I think you should try to have him be less serious, and a bit more like his personality in canon, obviously that personality can change depending on the events that shape him, but without that core bit of Jauneness it feels a bit like someone else.
(Although it is fun to read Jaune having a different personality but the same circumstances, like if canon Jaune was super shy, or super confident.)
I hope you don’t take my criticism to personally, I just wanted to give you my opinion, as you said this was a sort of practice run for future stories with Jaune.
Anyway, please keep up the great work!
And stay healthy too!
9/17/2020 c1 The Djinn Of CA
Honestly, best read I’ve had in awhile, I barely even noticed the one-shot tag in the beginning as I read what would be a great foundation for a chapter story. I sincerely thank you for the amazing one-shot you wrote.
9/17/2020 c1 3CalmTheCloud
I wish you would think about continuing this fic the literary prose and over all storytelling is reminiscent of several stories on this site it takes what it wants from those stories and creates a plot all to its own in a manner few match
9/17/2020 c1 10MM Browsing
i like it
even though this is one shot i wish you make another one except after finish the war against salem and team avln settle down

i do wonder if Winter, Pyrrha, and Jaune will have a three way relationship
it would be interesting to see someone make Jaune Arc Multiverse fanfic how rwby gang react seeing team jpnr born early becoming team avln and seeing jaune having relationship between with winter and pyrrha

would be priceless reaction with pyrrha, winter, weiss, and jaune

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