Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for We're Keeping Her!

12/11/2020 c10 10Queenbookerly
For a second there i was like "well gee the way the plant immediately covered her is awfully convenient" but no. She's dead.
Welp.
Great chapter and an absolutely legendary fight man, in both these chapters! Also, donkey and diddy had me in stitches.
12/4/2020 c8 Queenbookerly
Okay, great fight scene! Classy one liners galore! Great chapter this week!
11/29/2020 c7 Queenbookerly
sir you need to calm down this is a lamporium not a coliseum
11/23/2020 c6 amrven017
Oh I am so sorry I'm late! I loved both chapters. It's really nice to finally see Bull open up, another splendidly written layer. I'm happy Leon can see his sister, but sad Nita is leaving the Retropolis gang. I'm sure you'll somehow find a way to satisfy both sides, though.
11/20/2020 c5 3The Phoenix Wright of Fiction
I am not going to be as theatric with this review as the others, because I want to make sure you're going in the right direction with my critiques. I have also just finished Chapter 5 and have not started Chapter 6 yet, so things might be better/worse than I am perceiving.

The first thing I want to address is the hyphenation. It looks like you're hyper-awareness of the hyphens are causing you to make more errors than before; you're adding hyphens where there shouldn't be any. I won't turn this review into a love story to hyphens, but I'll give you a quick run-down on its purpose. Hyphens are used to grammatically combine two words. There are multiple situations where this is necessary, but I'll go over the one that's most commonly missed. When you are using a non-adjective and an adjective to describe something, they often need be hyphenated to show that the non-adjective is being used as a descriptor. As an example, I'll use a place where you got it correct: "single-eyed robot" is correct becuase it's saying that the robot has one eye. Without the hyphen, it could be interpereted as an eyed robot that is single, since the "single" could apply to the robot without the hyphen.

The other thing I want to mention is something that I might have missed in your other stories, which is tense. At one point in this chapter, (I can't seem to find the specific part at the moment) you start a scene in past tense, switch to present tense the next setnence, then go back to past tense. Just try to be consistent with this. I can't give you much advice because it's really a case-by-case thing.

Finally, I want to congratulate you on improving your TF2 reference. It is better now, and I am appeased because of it. But if I ever come accross something as egregious as the original 'reference' in your future work, you can expect something much more scating than this quick follow-up.
11/20/2020 c6 10Queenbookerly
MY RAMEN TASTES LIKE TEARS. SCREW YOU.
11/14/2020 c5 Queenbookerly
NITA CALM THE FLIPPITY FLAP DOWN SWEETIE
Piper can suck it. Great chapter, as per usual!
11/13/2020 c1 3The Phoenix Wright of Fiction
Mister Scripts. You have eluded my critique goggles for quite some time now. Your relatively well-written works have only provided me minor grammar or spelling errors as ammunition. You deprive me of the low-hanging plot holes and inconsistencies I see in other works. But while I have a handful of bullets with which to shoot your ego, your supposed Team Fortress 2 reference has given me an entire nuke. Is it petty? Yes, but it is a process that must be seen through in order to bring justice to this community. Nobody is above the law, and you, Samuel “Smooth Brain” Scripts, are not above criticism.

I will start with the small things. Things that a spell-checker would miss, mistakes that I see even outside the context of a fanfiction. The most heinous of these was the omittance of a single quotation mark in a line of dialog. I will not grace you with the specifics, because mistakes like these are small, but they show the importance of reading your own work, as I doubt you would have missed that if you were paying attention. If mistakes like these continue, I would suggest finding an editor to review your works before publishing, to catch the errors you have become blind to through writing.
But much more commonly, either through forgetfulness or ignorance, you fail to hyphenate select phrases. In this chapter, the first of these is also the oddest, you have Bo refer to Dynamike as “Dyna-of the-mike,” obviously missing the hyphen between “of” and “the.” The other hyphenation issues are more grammatical errors rather than obvious blunders. I will not go through every hyphen you missed in every story, but here are the ones I caught from this chapter alone: “drink off”, “dark red”, “maroon red”, “black and red”, (otherwise ‘thick’ only applies to ‘black’) “jaw rocking” “upside down” “constant(ly) repeating”. All of these require a hyphen between them to be considered grammatically correct.
The last minor gripe I have is with your word choice. Sometimes these errors err on the side of a typo, with phrases like “snap the metal chains of handcuffs” instead of “snap the metal chains off handcuffs”, and “body shifting to all four” instead of “all fours”. In some cases, it is not the words, but rather the order of them that is slightly off. Most of these instances are very nuanced making it near-impossible to suss them out, but as an example, “The sound of wood splintering silencing the audience” works better as “The sound of splintering wood silencing the audience”. Finally, you are prone to using certain words too soon after their last use. There are not any noticeable examples in this chapter, but in the paragraph after the first line break, the way the last two sentences use “the bar” makes it slightly too repetitive.

These small issues are all common in one way: they do not detract from the story on their own, but rather as a whole. I am assuming you are the sole writer and editor behind these stories, so I am not surprised you missed a lot of these, especially those of the more subjective kind. But in this chapter, you have included a detail so grievous it has burst my metaphorical bubble. An attack that is so personal to me, I felt obligated to finally bring all of my previous misgivings to light. You claimed to have added a Team Fortress 2 reference in this chapter, but alas, it is not there. I am not calling you a liar; I am saying you failed to create a substantial reference. And if I am correct that you have attempted to pass off select dialog as a reference to the TF2 animated short “Expiration Date,” then I am afraid your entire concept of a ‘reference’ is misguided at best.
The dialog in question is the following:
"Crow made sure everybody knows that she's with us. No one is gonna touch her."
Crow turned to face Bibi, "Question."
"What's your question?"
"I didn't tell everyone she was with us."
I believe this is an attempted reference to the scene in Expiration Date that plays out like this:
Engineer: “So, we’re fine. As long as nobody teleports any bread.”
Soldier: “Question.”
Engineer: “What’s your question, Soldier?”
Soldier: “I teleported bread.”
Engineer: “What.”
Soldier: “You told me to.”
Engineer: “How. Much.”
Soldier: “I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days”

At first glance, this appears to be a pretty good reference. They both suggest that things will work out, a character prompts to ask a question, and instead of asking a question, they reveal that through their incompetence, things will not work out well at all. It seems to be a very similar joke, so in theory, it should be seen as a reference to that joke. But what you have failed to understand is that the contexts of these two jokes differ so greatly that it creates a disconnect between the two jokes large enough to void any claims of it being a reference. To explain this, I will go in-depth into both, showing how the nuances of a joke are as important as the joke itself, especially in an attempt to make a reference.
I will start with the one from your story, as it is the simplest. Bibi creates the catalyst for the joke by claiming Crow told everyone to keep their hands off of Nita since Nita is under their protection. Crow then contradicts this claim, revealing that he did not tell everyone to keep their hands off of Nita. A simple subversion, and a joke in its own right. But it is a stretch of the imagination to relate it to the one from Expiration Date.
The setup for the joke from Expiration Date starts before the animation itself. The two characters, Soldier and Engineer, were flushed out far before the creation of Expiration Date. Soldier is a hyperbole of the American stereotype; Patriotic but lacking conventional intelligence. And in some ways, the Engineer is like this as well. The Engineer is a hick southerner with a very deliberate accent, and despite having eleven PhDs, is not portrayed as an academic by any means. But as he is a doctor eleven times over, he could not be further away from Soldier in terms of intelligence. As such, the dynamic between these two characters when it comes to the logic their world works on is pretty self-explanatory; it would not be out of the question for the Engineer to constantly have to explain very simple things to Soldier.
The story of the animation itself also serves to set up the joke. The plot of the animation is that using teleporters can grow tumors inside of organic material, meaning that everyone on the team has cancer, and they only have 3 days to live. They demonstrate this by teleporting a loaf of bread. When the bread is shown to have tumors in it, Soldier exclaims “We cannot teleport bread anymore” but Engineer, as he sees that Soldier has missed the point, tells him “You can teleport as much bread as you like.”
When the joke in question is told, all of these pieces fall together. It starts with the Engineer saying that the only thing that cannot be safely teleported is bread, which is itself absurd. Then the Soldier prompts to ask a question, implying that he is so stupid he somehow did not understand the order to “not teleport bread.” When the Engineer gives Soldier the go-ahead, the Soldier reveals that he did, in fact, understand the “not teleport bread” message by revealing he has teleported bread. This is called ‘subversive humor’ which just happens to be my favorite type of joke; getting the reader/listener to infer one thing then humorously revealing that they were completely wrong in that assumption. When the Engineer is visibly upset about the fact that Soldier has teleported bread, the Soldier refers back to the Engineer telling him that teleporting bread was fine, as they did not understand that Bread was the only exception to the rule back then. Again, this part of the joke is funny itself, as the “you can teleport as much bread as you like” was a forgettable one-off line earlier, which means that the writers have subverted the viewer’s assumptions two times in this joke already. Finally, when the Engineer has asked how much bread the Soldier teleported, the Soldier says that he has done nothing but teleport bread for three days. What the writers have accomplished with this is what would be called a ‘hattrick’ in ice hockey; They have scored three times in one joke. Yet again, they have subverted the viewer’s expectations, this time purely by being outlandish. It is absurd to think that any human throughout history, if told that they would die in three days, would spend all three of those days doing nothing but something so seemingly pointless and menial as teleporting bread. Additionally, for the same reasons teleporting has adverse effects on bread alone, it is also absurd to think that spending the last three days of your life doing nothing but teleport bread would put the lives of others in immediate danger.
If it was not obvious by the lengths to which I needed to go to explain the entirety of these two jokes, despite having the same immediate structure, they are entirely different. One plays off of character dynamics preceding the story itself, refers to throwaway lines from the very beginning of said story, and gives the viewer three subversive punches to the face. The other is subversive once. What you have attempted to do is make a reference to Expiration Date by using a joke from the animation. What you have accomplished is showcasing your inability to consider everything that goes into making moments like that so memorable.
In conclusion, I have been waiting for an excuse to suggest getting an editor. You make far fewer mistakes than expected for what I am assuming is a hobby of yours, but they are consistently present, nonetheless. Anyone, even you, can benefit from having someone look over your work for the small, almost meaningless mistakes. That excuse, however, has made me realize another thing; you have room for improvement when it comes to overarching themes. Which is fitting, as that seems to be an overarching theme with your writing itself. Small things can connect together, but you are not capable of taking advantage of this yet. If you were, you might have made a better reference to that joke. And now that I have realized this, I believe this is your Achilles Heel. Events in your stories happen one after another, but all they do is move the plot forward. That is, they are almost never referred to again. Fixing this is one of the hardest things to do as a writer, as it requires a very flushed-out storyline to even attempt making one event affect multiple plot points, and references back to previous events run the risk of seeming repetitive. It is most definitely not something required of you to make a good fanfiction. But if you are truly looking for a challenge, and you are not just overconfident in your skills, here it is: Make the events in your story matter more. Make me wonder whether or not your characters will suffer consequences for their actions far into the future. Make a story good enough to allow for a joke as good as the one you claimed to have referenced.
11/6/2020 c4 amrven017
Hmmm, very mysterious... This was a really nice chapter! Mama Bibi and Papa Crow seem very nice. That one bystander's fourth grade logic, though. *mentally shakes head* No, I didn't get that reference, but I think it was nice you even put one in there. Awesome as usual, Sammy.
11/6/2020 c4 10Queenbookerly
Oh my god you've killed me. I am dead.
10/31/2020 c3 amrven017
eh, sorry I forgot. But, yeah you pretty much got it. I seriously love this crow wholesomeness, and excited to see what Bibi's been doing. Seriously, you are good at emotional writing!
10/26/2020 c2 Queenbookerly
NITA YAAAAS QUEEN SLAAY
Great chapter as usual sam! love Nita and Bibi's relationship dynamic!
10/26/2020 c2 amrven017
Nita is so cute! I was genuinely twisted when Bull told her, and was happy!?
10/14/2020 c1 amrven017
Hmmmm, kinda sad we won't see more Ranto. But I'm excited to see where this is going! I really liked the detail and interactions I've come to love in your stories. Love it!
10/13/2020 c1 Queenbookerly
Jskjfkgjsgfkgd brock killed me oh my god-
So hyped for this story! Little nita is gonna be great!

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service