for The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato8/12/2024 c38 Guest8492
Ahh it's so funny for Tanya and Visha to shout "I AM NOT A NAZI !" and yes she was the Kaiser Loli in that dimension. You could even argue that they'd hate both the NSDAP and Communism equally because well they're both their own versions of Socialism and were basicly having the political equivalent of a Religious Schism War in WWII as the translation of said political party is literally "National Socialist German Workers Party" oh and look up the Bolshevik Flag; you might notice it's almost identical to what Germany started using from 1933-1945 except it has the Hammer and Sickle in the middle.
Ahh it's so funny for Tanya and Visha to shout "I AM NOT A NAZI !" and yes she was the Kaiser Loli in that dimension. You could even argue that they'd hate both the NSDAP and Communism equally because well they're both their own versions of Socialism and were basicly having the political equivalent of a Religious Schism War in WWII as the translation of said political party is literally "National Socialist German Workers Party" oh and look up the Bolshevik Flag; you might notice it's almost identical to what Germany started using from 1933-1945 except it has the Hammer and Sickle in the middle.
8/11/2024 c24 Guest8492
Well Delta Green is an interesting reference, though I'd be downright Horrifying if all this was sharing space with the Cuthulu Mythos as in only slightly Less Terrifying than the SCP one.
At first I was confused but I was definitely Not expecting a Hinamatsuri connection either, though given how old that series actually is it could more plausably synch up with Haruhi Suzumia as it's only a few years newer and appropriate considering it's got strange girls with powers And heavy use of Yakuza to the in with current shenanigans of theirs. Literally hadn't though of that series since the Anime wrapped up. If Hitomi finds out what's actually going on she's gonna be even More Bewildered and confused than usual...
I'm glad I didn't get into this story until after Konosuba season 3 ended so I'm well aware of the "Silver Mask Gang" and the antics Kazuma and "Chris" got up to in the Capitol (Yes I'm also aware Eris and Chris are the same person too via other means than the anime).
Well Delta Green is an interesting reference, though I'd be downright Horrifying if all this was sharing space with the Cuthulu Mythos as in only slightly Less Terrifying than the SCP one.
At first I was confused but I was definitely Not expecting a Hinamatsuri connection either, though given how old that series actually is it could more plausably synch up with Haruhi Suzumia as it's only a few years newer and appropriate considering it's got strange girls with powers And heavy use of Yakuza to the in with current shenanigans of theirs. Literally hadn't though of that series since the Anime wrapped up. If Hitomi finds out what's actually going on she's gonna be even More Bewildered and confused than usual...
I'm glad I didn't get into this story until after Konosuba season 3 ended so I'm well aware of the "Silver Mask Gang" and the antics Kazuma and "Chris" got up to in the Capitol (Yes I'm also aware Eris and Chris are the same person too via other means than the anime).
7/6/2024 c20 Guest8492
You know I find the idea that a Genderbent Kazuma would be a massive whore in the bedroom to be surprisingly plausible...
You know I find the idea that a Genderbent Kazuma would be a massive whore in the bedroom to be surprisingly plausible...
7/6/2024 c14 Guest8492
Oh what fresh Hell have you gotten Aqua into this time Kazuma?
Oh what fresh Hell have you gotten Aqua into this time Kazuma?
7/6/2024 c13 Guest8492
Oh I did not expect Koizumi nearly having a Stroke and coronary at the same time from Aqua and Kazuma's actions to be so amusing even it it was nearly disastrous.
Oh I did not expect Koizumi nearly having a Stroke and coronary at the same time from Aqua and Kazuma's actions to be so amusing even it it was nearly disastrous.
7/5/2024 c4 Guest8492
I Knew it; somehow I Knew that's how this Story was gonna Handle a Haruhi and KonoSuba crossover!
I Knew it; somehow I Knew that's how this Story was gonna Handle a Haruhi and KonoSuba crossover!
4/7/2024 c59 
58Martin III
To get the bad news out of the way, while this fic has many enjoyable parts, I ultimately feel they're outweighed by the negatives, in particular that the characterizations are wildly inconsistent and at times so harshly contrary to the characters' established personalities that it feels like contempt for the source material, while also being uninteresting on their own terms.
Before I elaborate, some notes specific to this final chapter:
1) So now you've turned Kuyoh Suoh into an empty-headed nymphomaniac too. Sigh. At least I didn't have to endure this too long, since it's the final chapter.
2) "in order to get an adequate amount of sleep." Huh? In chapter 49 you said that Nagato doesn't require *any* rest.
3) "I now possess the full powers of the Data Overmind and the Sky Canopy Dominion." When did that happen? And given that simply interfacing with the Sky Canopy caused Nagato to become grievously ill, how is she not dead after that?
4) "he'd saved the world what, three, four times now?" One time, actually.
5) "there aren't a ton of spelling eras." I sure hope this was meant as a joke...
Moving on to the fic overall, the nice thing is you have a good approach to prose, with lively dialogue and scenes that move right along, only lingering on trivial points when they're a source of humor. Though I've noted a few jarring tone shifts in earlier reviews, the fic overall is pretty consistent on that front. The absence of scene separators makes it look much less professional and is certainly confusing at times, but overall the prose is easy to breeze through. If it weren't, I would never have finished this massive fic.
However, in a fic of this sort (a lengthy team-up crossover), the most important thing is that the characterizations be true to the source material; it's the difference between an interesting and fan-pleasing encounter between characters who would never otherwise meet and a messy hodgepodge of characters who are unfamiliar to the reader aside from their names. And while this fic started off reasonably well on that front, for most of it Kyon, Haruhi, Nagato, and Koizumi are so out-of-character that they're unrecognizable.
Moreover, the new characterizations are nowhere near as interesting as the source material's, and frequently don't even make sense. For instance, you retain the canon that Nagato was created to observe Haruhi and is an avid reader, yet rather than the intelligent and stoic girl of the source material, you portray her as an empty-headed nymphomaniac who lacks a third grade vocabulary. This is too blatant an attempt to appeal to the stereotypical anime fan's desire for a mindless sex doll, and there's no conceivable reason why the Data Overmind would design her to be completely unqualified for the task she was created for. Even if there were, how could Yuki read so much without increasing her knowledge, and why is she allowed to attend normal high school classes when she is obviously less intelligent than most five-year-olds? You take the same approach of cranking the dignity down to minimum with Haruhi, who spends much of the fic sobbing about how upsetting adventure is and getting slapped around. Characters with no dignity are just not interesting, because the reader cannot respect them enough to even pity them.
The unfaithful characterizations also make an odd combination with the non-canon pairings. Why, for instance, did you contrive for Kyon to develop a sudden romantic interest in Nagato and Haruhi to submissively give him up if you were just going to replace Nagato with a cliched robot character? Why not just make Haruhi the mindless sexbot? Or better yet, make an OC the mindless sexbot, and let Haruhi and Nagato remain the interesting characters they are in the source material?
Even with the more logical pairings, you rely too much on telling rather than showing. Everyone talks about how obviously in love Kazuma and Aqua are long before they show the slightest attraction to each other, and Haruhi/Mikuru and Kyon/Nagato come off more like children playing "house" than people with a genuine romantic interest in each other. I get the sense that you don't enjoy writing romance and simply feel that it's expected; in this last chapter, comments like "Everyone falling in love and pairing off?" seem to confirm that this fic's numerous couples are just your answer to a perceived obligation that every character must be paired off.
On a lesser note, you frequently misspell characters' names, such as "Kuyou Suou" instead of Kuyoh Suoh and "Kunikide" instead of Kunikada. Even your own OC's name is variously spelled as both "Goto" and "Gato".
There are a lot of inconsistencies with canon in general, many of which seem like they couldn't possibly be a result of you mis-remembering, like Sasaki and Fujiwara attending Kouyouen Academy and Asakura having authorization to murder Kyon. For a while I figured this had to be AU, but there's never any indication that such was your intent, much less what the AU's premise is.
There are a lot of odd breaks with reality (e.g. aliens and oni being identifiable by hair color yet completely undetected by humans, humans continuing to exist after plant and animal life has been wiped out, restaurant managers thinking that counterfeit rings are run by teenagers who don't want to pay for lunch). These are the sort of logical flaws and gaps in knowledge that I associate with very young and/or very inexperienced writers, but this being your 18th fanfic and launching in your ninth year on the site would seem to rule that out.
Finally, while there are a number of complete sub-plots, there are also many plot points which were introduced and then forgotten. Remember the cherry blossom festival? For a while that was the central story arc, but the festival never happened and stopped being mentioned after chapter 18. Nagato ostensibly loses her connection to the Data Overmind, but continues to manipulate data; the only stated effect is that she is no longer mind-controlled, but she was never mind-controlled to begin with, either in the source material or this fic. And Haruhi is told about her powers, but aside from swapping everyone's gender for no real reason, she never tries to use them, even when her life is threatened.
Overall, this fic showed promise as a confront-and-contrast of the casts of Haruhi Suzumiya and Konosuba, but ended up being too enslaved to careless plotting and anime cliches to be either a satisfying crossover or entertaining on its own terms.
58Martin IIITo get the bad news out of the way, while this fic has many enjoyable parts, I ultimately feel they're outweighed by the negatives, in particular that the characterizations are wildly inconsistent and at times so harshly contrary to the characters' established personalities that it feels like contempt for the source material, while also being uninteresting on their own terms.
Before I elaborate, some notes specific to this final chapter:
1) So now you've turned Kuyoh Suoh into an empty-headed nymphomaniac too. Sigh. At least I didn't have to endure this too long, since it's the final chapter.
2) "in order to get an adequate amount of sleep." Huh? In chapter 49 you said that Nagato doesn't require *any* rest.
3) "I now possess the full powers of the Data Overmind and the Sky Canopy Dominion." When did that happen? And given that simply interfacing with the Sky Canopy caused Nagato to become grievously ill, how is she not dead after that?
4) "he'd saved the world what, three, four times now?" One time, actually.
5) "there aren't a ton of spelling eras." I sure hope this was meant as a joke...
Moving on to the fic overall, the nice thing is you have a good approach to prose, with lively dialogue and scenes that move right along, only lingering on trivial points when they're a source of humor. Though I've noted a few jarring tone shifts in earlier reviews, the fic overall is pretty consistent on that front. The absence of scene separators makes it look much less professional and is certainly confusing at times, but overall the prose is easy to breeze through. If it weren't, I would never have finished this massive fic.
However, in a fic of this sort (a lengthy team-up crossover), the most important thing is that the characterizations be true to the source material; it's the difference between an interesting and fan-pleasing encounter between characters who would never otherwise meet and a messy hodgepodge of characters who are unfamiliar to the reader aside from their names. And while this fic started off reasonably well on that front, for most of it Kyon, Haruhi, Nagato, and Koizumi are so out-of-character that they're unrecognizable.
Moreover, the new characterizations are nowhere near as interesting as the source material's, and frequently don't even make sense. For instance, you retain the canon that Nagato was created to observe Haruhi and is an avid reader, yet rather than the intelligent and stoic girl of the source material, you portray her as an empty-headed nymphomaniac who lacks a third grade vocabulary. This is too blatant an attempt to appeal to the stereotypical anime fan's desire for a mindless sex doll, and there's no conceivable reason why the Data Overmind would design her to be completely unqualified for the task she was created for. Even if there were, how could Yuki read so much without increasing her knowledge, and why is she allowed to attend normal high school classes when she is obviously less intelligent than most five-year-olds? You take the same approach of cranking the dignity down to minimum with Haruhi, who spends much of the fic sobbing about how upsetting adventure is and getting slapped around. Characters with no dignity are just not interesting, because the reader cannot respect them enough to even pity them.
The unfaithful characterizations also make an odd combination with the non-canon pairings. Why, for instance, did you contrive for Kyon to develop a sudden romantic interest in Nagato and Haruhi to submissively give him up if you were just going to replace Nagato with a cliched robot character? Why not just make Haruhi the mindless sexbot? Or better yet, make an OC the mindless sexbot, and let Haruhi and Nagato remain the interesting characters they are in the source material?
Even with the more logical pairings, you rely too much on telling rather than showing. Everyone talks about how obviously in love Kazuma and Aqua are long before they show the slightest attraction to each other, and Haruhi/Mikuru and Kyon/Nagato come off more like children playing "house" than people with a genuine romantic interest in each other. I get the sense that you don't enjoy writing romance and simply feel that it's expected; in this last chapter, comments like "Everyone falling in love and pairing off?" seem to confirm that this fic's numerous couples are just your answer to a perceived obligation that every character must be paired off.
On a lesser note, you frequently misspell characters' names, such as "Kuyou Suou" instead of Kuyoh Suoh and "Kunikide" instead of Kunikada. Even your own OC's name is variously spelled as both "Goto" and "Gato".
There are a lot of inconsistencies with canon in general, many of which seem like they couldn't possibly be a result of you mis-remembering, like Sasaki and Fujiwara attending Kouyouen Academy and Asakura having authorization to murder Kyon. For a while I figured this had to be AU, but there's never any indication that such was your intent, much less what the AU's premise is.
There are a lot of odd breaks with reality (e.g. aliens and oni being identifiable by hair color yet completely undetected by humans, humans continuing to exist after plant and animal life has been wiped out, restaurant managers thinking that counterfeit rings are run by teenagers who don't want to pay for lunch). These are the sort of logical flaws and gaps in knowledge that I associate with very young and/or very inexperienced writers, but this being your 18th fanfic and launching in your ninth year on the site would seem to rule that out.
Finally, while there are a number of complete sub-plots, there are also many plot points which were introduced and then forgotten. Remember the cherry blossom festival? For a while that was the central story arc, but the festival never happened and stopped being mentioned after chapter 18. Nagato ostensibly loses her connection to the Data Overmind, but continues to manipulate data; the only stated effect is that she is no longer mind-controlled, but she was never mind-controlled to begin with, either in the source material or this fic. And Haruhi is told about her powers, but aside from swapping everyone's gender for no real reason, she never tries to use them, even when her life is threatened.
Overall, this fic showed promise as a confront-and-contrast of the casts of Haruhi Suzumiya and Konosuba, but ended up being too enslaved to careless plotting and anime cliches to be either a satisfying crossover or entertaining on its own terms.
4/5/2024 c58 Martin III
"'That's your problem? We can fix that.' ... 'Really? You mean it?'" Er. I wouldn't have thought Aqua and Kazuma would be so cavalier about getting an abortion.
"'So, want to make sure I'm pregnant?' ... 'Yeah! Let's do this!'" ...or so enthusiastic about taking a pregnancy test.
Miss Asahina providing Aqua and Kazuma with everything they need is an exceptionally nonsensical deus ex machina. Why would she do this? Equally conspicuous, *how* would she do this? Remember, her organization cast her out many chapters ago, so she's just a penniless high school student stranded out of her time. And the Axis Cult is no longer bound to Aqua since Aqua is no longer a goddess.
I got a genuine kick out of Seiya's "perfectly prepared" one-up over Kazuma. As in the source material, Kazuma is such a Mary Sue most of the time that it's genuinely surprising when he gets shown up. In general, I like the dynamic where the wives are good friends but the husbands don't get along, even if you don't explore it much here.
"they had definitely done enough to make several dozen more babies if things had worked that way." You needed to be more specific here, because I can imagine a multitude of harebrained things Kazuma and Aqua would be willing to try to get twins (or triplets, or whatever number they were shooting for), and there are probably some readers who can't imagine any, so it's not obvious what you came up with. Was Aqua guzzling fertility drugs? Was Kazuma casting spells that project microscopic blades in hopes of splitting Haruhi into multiple copies? Etc.
Aqua asexually impregnated herself by absorbing the dead goddess of all Japan into her essence. What in the world makes Kazuma and Aqua think a handful of mortal doctors can definitively determine that she's infertile?
"'That's your problem? We can fix that.' ... 'Really? You mean it?'" Er. I wouldn't have thought Aqua and Kazuma would be so cavalier about getting an abortion.
"'So, want to make sure I'm pregnant?' ... 'Yeah! Let's do this!'" ...or so enthusiastic about taking a pregnancy test.
Miss Asahina providing Aqua and Kazuma with everything they need is an exceptionally nonsensical deus ex machina. Why would she do this? Equally conspicuous, *how* would she do this? Remember, her organization cast her out many chapters ago, so she's just a penniless high school student stranded out of her time. And the Axis Cult is no longer bound to Aqua since Aqua is no longer a goddess.
I got a genuine kick out of Seiya's "perfectly prepared" one-up over Kazuma. As in the source material, Kazuma is such a Mary Sue most of the time that it's genuinely surprising when he gets shown up. In general, I like the dynamic where the wives are good friends but the husbands don't get along, even if you don't explore it much here.
"they had definitely done enough to make several dozen more babies if things had worked that way." You needed to be more specific here, because I can imagine a multitude of harebrained things Kazuma and Aqua would be willing to try to get twins (or triplets, or whatever number they were shooting for), and there are probably some readers who can't imagine any, so it's not obvious what you came up with. Was Aqua guzzling fertility drugs? Was Kazuma casting spells that project microscopic blades in hopes of splitting Haruhi into multiple copies? Etc.
Aqua asexually impregnated herself by absorbing the dead goddess of all Japan into her essence. What in the world makes Kazuma and Aqua think a handful of mortal doctors can definitively determine that she's infertile?
4/3/2024 c57 Martin III
Not too much to say about the climactic chapters, since almost everything here was heavily foreshadowed and therefore I have in essence already commented on it. But the fight sequences are better, addressing the criticisms in my previous review. Not particularly good, but better.
"Would YOU like to take a dump in a cave?" Uh, why not? When did Kazuma and Kyon turn into a couple of prissy noblewomen?
Amaterasu getting mutilated was certainly surprising, but also an odd tone shift, and it's hard to know what to feel about the death of a character you met just a page ago at the hands of a character you met just a few chapters ago.
Heh, I called it; Kazuma and Aqua are perpetual virgins. Kazuma being strictly an adoptive father doesn't save his lusting after Haruhi from being creepy, though.
Komekko and Megumin's musical number was another fun one. Always a good time when the two of them are involved. And the tone shift works, because it always feels like Komekko and Vanir are acting apart from the rest of the cast, that everyone else isn't in on the joke so to speak. It's an endearing interlude rather than a rupture in the narrative.
The Sky Canopy Dominion consisting entirely of Kuyoh Suoh doesn't fit well with the canon. It also doesn't simplify the story in any necessary way (you could as easily have just said Suoh was acting on her own, without the Sky Canopy Dominion's approval), and makes the milieu seem much more crude and underdeveloped, replacing an entire alien race with an army of grunt clones.
After Haruhi's little speech about what Kuyoh Suoh wants, I thought they were going to offer Suoh a pleasant alternative. Instead, her choice is (a)become a god or (b)become a member of an alien species which she knows almost nothing about. Would it have been too kind to give her the option of retaining her identity?
Not too much to say about the climactic chapters, since almost everything here was heavily foreshadowed and therefore I have in essence already commented on it. But the fight sequences are better, addressing the criticisms in my previous review. Not particularly good, but better.
"Would YOU like to take a dump in a cave?" Uh, why not? When did Kazuma and Kyon turn into a couple of prissy noblewomen?
Amaterasu getting mutilated was certainly surprising, but also an odd tone shift, and it's hard to know what to feel about the death of a character you met just a page ago at the hands of a character you met just a few chapters ago.
Heh, I called it; Kazuma and Aqua are perpetual virgins. Kazuma being strictly an adoptive father doesn't save his lusting after Haruhi from being creepy, though.
Komekko and Megumin's musical number was another fun one. Always a good time when the two of them are involved. And the tone shift works, because it always feels like Komekko and Vanir are acting apart from the rest of the cast, that everyone else isn't in on the joke so to speak. It's an endearing interlude rather than a rupture in the narrative.
The Sky Canopy Dominion consisting entirely of Kuyoh Suoh doesn't fit well with the canon. It also doesn't simplify the story in any necessary way (you could as easily have just said Suoh was acting on her own, without the Sky Canopy Dominion's approval), and makes the milieu seem much more crude and underdeveloped, replacing an entire alien race with an army of grunt clones.
After Haruhi's little speech about what Kuyoh Suoh wants, I thought they were going to offer Suoh a pleasant alternative. Instead, her choice is (a)become a god or (b)become a member of an alien species which she knows almost nothing about. Would it have been too kind to give her the option of retaining her identity?
4/2/2024 c54 Martin III
So, uh, in chapter 52 you have Kyon handing Haruhi her stolen panties. So... many... questions... Why is Kyon stealing Haruhi's panties (one of the most out-of-character things he's done in this fic so far)? When did he have an opportunity to steal them? Why is he telling Haruhi that he stole them instead of doing everything possible to keep it a secret? Why does it take a minute for Haruhi to recognize them? Is it that hard for her to tell the difference between a dress and a pair of panties? Why is no one, not even Haruhi and Mikuru, outraged at Kyon for stealing a girl's panties?
On a related note, why is Kyon not changing his underwear? If even Haruhi peed her pants at that encounter, Kyon's underwear isn't going to just be wet; it's going to be brown.
Kyon vetoes Haruhi cooking in favor of Mikuru? I have a suspicion that you got two different characters confused with each other again.
Hiroshima and Nagasaki seem like unlikely destinations for a grade school trip; Nagasaki isn't even on the main island of Honshu. Also, believe it or not, those cities have been rebuilt since the bombings, so as far as scenes of devastation go there's nothing Haruhi could have seen there that she couldn't have seen right in her own classroom.
Megumin getting a chance to shine with her explosion magic was fun, though increasing her limit to four or more castings in under a minute is rather excessive, overpowering her to the point where any threat is almost irrelevant.
The easygoing nature of the fight sequences is becoming monotonous. Every encounter seems to wrap up in two or three paragraphs with minimal exertion from the heroes, and no actual tension. Now and then that can be refreshing, but when every single fight is just dull routine, it bores the reader even more than it does the characters.
I like the end twist. It's a good use of established continuity, and the way you have Kazuma reveal it by listing off his registered teleport locations is beautifully done.
So, uh, in chapter 52 you have Kyon handing Haruhi her stolen panties. So... many... questions... Why is Kyon stealing Haruhi's panties (one of the most out-of-character things he's done in this fic so far)? When did he have an opportunity to steal them? Why is he telling Haruhi that he stole them instead of doing everything possible to keep it a secret? Why does it take a minute for Haruhi to recognize them? Is it that hard for her to tell the difference between a dress and a pair of panties? Why is no one, not even Haruhi and Mikuru, outraged at Kyon for stealing a girl's panties?
On a related note, why is Kyon not changing his underwear? If even Haruhi peed her pants at that encounter, Kyon's underwear isn't going to just be wet; it's going to be brown.
Kyon vetoes Haruhi cooking in favor of Mikuru? I have a suspicion that you got two different characters confused with each other again.
Hiroshima and Nagasaki seem like unlikely destinations for a grade school trip; Nagasaki isn't even on the main island of Honshu. Also, believe it or not, those cities have been rebuilt since the bombings, so as far as scenes of devastation go there's nothing Haruhi could have seen there that she couldn't have seen right in her own classroom.
Megumin getting a chance to shine with her explosion magic was fun, though increasing her limit to four or more castings in under a minute is rather excessive, overpowering her to the point where any threat is almost irrelevant.
The easygoing nature of the fight sequences is becoming monotonous. Every encounter seems to wrap up in two or three paragraphs with minimal exertion from the heroes, and no actual tension. Now and then that can be refreshing, but when every single fight is just dull routine, it bores the reader even more than it does the characters.
I like the end twist. It's a good use of established continuity, and the way you have Kazuma reveal it by listing off his registered teleport locations is beautifully done.
3/31/2024 c51 Martin III
This seems to be where the readership for this fic dropped out; chapters 1-49 all got at least two reviews, save for a few with 0 (presumably because they were uploaded the same day as the following chapter), but the last ten chapters have an average of 1 review each, most of which just say "When's the next update?" or other terse remarks. Of course I can't know why this is, but I can't help but speculate that it has to do with the lack of a hook in the last few chapters. More or less everything is set with regard to Kazuma and Aqua being parents, no one is in much of a hurry to get back to the Haruhi Suzumiya world, and as I mentioned the menaces introduced in chapters 48-49 aren't well defined. I feel like I'm reading on just because having gotten this far, I might as well finish the fic. But maybe you'll throw in a surprise by the end.
The adventuring party's scenes have a lot of light character interplay, which is a good element of itself. I've complained about the lack of a hook, but low-key interactions between characters add character to a fic, and are almost essential to long crossovers like this one. However, a lot of the jokes fall flat because they center on someone acting starkly out-of-character, such as the canonically lackadaisical Kyon preparing for the journey by fastidiously assembling a first aid kit. It's like you wrote the scene for a Monk/Xanth crossover, abandoned that fic, and transplanted the scene by simply swapping out Adrian Monk for Kyon and Grundy for Kazuma. The trouble with out-of-character behavior is it makes the reader feel detached from the characters (and by extension, from the jokes).
"'That's because you drive everyone crazy,' Kyon snapped back. 'Especially me!'" This is a heckuva time to be making a love confession to Haruhi, Kyon. ...Seriously, it's striking how even unintended sparks between Haruhi and Kyon like this outshine any of Kyon and Nagato's mechanical flirtations.
I thought the threat was entirely from the Sky Canopy Dominion. Why are Koizumi and co. talking about fighting the Data Overmind as well?
"I could interfere with her emotional state to try to trigger auto evolution," No, she couldn't. That's the whole reason why she was banished from her physical form, remember?
"'What the hell are these!? Hey, Kazuma, Aqua, what are these little things?'" Between this and Kyon putting a protective hand on his first aid kit, you had me thinking that Haruhi just discovered the kit is a hiding place for Kyon's condom supply.
I can't really comment on the Sasaki drama because I'm unfamiliar with the characters apart from Sasaki herself, and even Sasaki feels like a stranger because your portrayal of her centers around her relationships with characters I don't know and a backstory that doesn't fit the tone or setting of the Haruhi Suzumiya series. Komekko's appearance in this scene is appreciated, though.
This seems to be where the readership for this fic dropped out; chapters 1-49 all got at least two reviews, save for a few with 0 (presumably because they were uploaded the same day as the following chapter), but the last ten chapters have an average of 1 review each, most of which just say "When's the next update?" or other terse remarks. Of course I can't know why this is, but I can't help but speculate that it has to do with the lack of a hook in the last few chapters. More or less everything is set with regard to Kazuma and Aqua being parents, no one is in much of a hurry to get back to the Haruhi Suzumiya world, and as I mentioned the menaces introduced in chapters 48-49 aren't well defined. I feel like I'm reading on just because having gotten this far, I might as well finish the fic. But maybe you'll throw in a surprise by the end.
The adventuring party's scenes have a lot of light character interplay, which is a good element of itself. I've complained about the lack of a hook, but low-key interactions between characters add character to a fic, and are almost essential to long crossovers like this one. However, a lot of the jokes fall flat because they center on someone acting starkly out-of-character, such as the canonically lackadaisical Kyon preparing for the journey by fastidiously assembling a first aid kit. It's like you wrote the scene for a Monk/Xanth crossover, abandoned that fic, and transplanted the scene by simply swapping out Adrian Monk for Kyon and Grundy for Kazuma. The trouble with out-of-character behavior is it makes the reader feel detached from the characters (and by extension, from the jokes).
"'That's because you drive everyone crazy,' Kyon snapped back. 'Especially me!'" This is a heckuva time to be making a love confession to Haruhi, Kyon. ...Seriously, it's striking how even unintended sparks between Haruhi and Kyon like this outshine any of Kyon and Nagato's mechanical flirtations.
I thought the threat was entirely from the Sky Canopy Dominion. Why are Koizumi and co. talking about fighting the Data Overmind as well?
"I could interfere with her emotional state to try to trigger auto evolution," No, she couldn't. That's the whole reason why she was banished from her physical form, remember?
"'What the hell are these!? Hey, Kazuma, Aqua, what are these little things?'" Between this and Kyon putting a protective hand on his first aid kit, you had me thinking that Haruhi just discovered the kit is a hiding place for Kyon's condom supply.
I can't really comment on the Sasaki drama because I'm unfamiliar with the characters apart from Sasaki herself, and even Sasaki feels like a stranger because your portrayal of her centers around her relationships with characters I don't know and a backstory that doesn't fit the tone or setting of the Haruhi Suzumiya series. Komekko's appearance in this scene is appreciated, though.
3/28/2024 c49 Martin III
The threats introduced in these chapters are very poorly defined: What is meant by "acquiring Haruhi Suzumiya", and why would the Sky Canopy Dominion want to do that? How would destroying the world help it accomplish that goal? What is the Devil Queen's supposed goal? That everyone is too busy shopping, reading novels, and talking about sex to attend to these threats doesn't make them seem too serious, either.
Koizumi continues to be out-of-character to the point of being unrecognizable. The tone of the chapter 48 opening scene is a jarring contrast to the rest of the fic; the weightiness doesn't fit with how nonchalant everyone has been about far more serious occurrences.
"Where was Kyon when you needed him to crack a joke and diffuse the tension?" You've got your characters mixed up again. Koizumi is the one who cracks jokes; Kyon is the one who gets annoyed whenever someone makes light of anything.
Now Haruhi is eager for adventure? I thought that in this fic, Haruhi curls up into a fetal position whenever adventure comes near? The former is a lot more faithful to the source material, but when you jump from the latter to its polar opposite without even any sort of character arc, it's jarring.
"Kazuma had to remind himself that incest was a trash fetish" A little late for that reminder, Kazuma, given that you've been hitting on your daughter for a few dozen chapters.
"She grabbed Sasaki," Who's "she"? The last person mentioned is Sasaki herself.
It's an awkward thing to be praising, but the beating Komekko takes from Seiya is an emotionally strong moment, immediately capturing my sympathy in a gut-wrenching fashion. The prose is straightforward and effective, but mainly it's how consistently and charmingly you've been writing Komekko that makes this sequence hit so hard.
Though I'm still not happy with how you've been writing Nagato as an empty-headed nymphomaniac who somehow cannot understand popular idioms, basic biology, or even common terms like "spicy" despite her voracious reading, I have to admit I got a kick out of her request for a library card.
I wonder how Arue was able to get multiple copies of a book with cover art in Belzerg, which is supposedly a standard RPG world (meaning no printing presses).
If Nagato doesn't require nourishment, then where does her energy come from? Not to mention, how can she eat?
"As Yuki was unaware of ..." This whole paragraph is a lapse into objective perspective.
The threats introduced in these chapters are very poorly defined: What is meant by "acquiring Haruhi Suzumiya", and why would the Sky Canopy Dominion want to do that? How would destroying the world help it accomplish that goal? What is the Devil Queen's supposed goal? That everyone is too busy shopping, reading novels, and talking about sex to attend to these threats doesn't make them seem too serious, either.
Koizumi continues to be out-of-character to the point of being unrecognizable. The tone of the chapter 48 opening scene is a jarring contrast to the rest of the fic; the weightiness doesn't fit with how nonchalant everyone has been about far more serious occurrences.
"Where was Kyon when you needed him to crack a joke and diffuse the tension?" You've got your characters mixed up again. Koizumi is the one who cracks jokes; Kyon is the one who gets annoyed whenever someone makes light of anything.
Now Haruhi is eager for adventure? I thought that in this fic, Haruhi curls up into a fetal position whenever adventure comes near? The former is a lot more faithful to the source material, but when you jump from the latter to its polar opposite without even any sort of character arc, it's jarring.
"Kazuma had to remind himself that incest was a trash fetish" A little late for that reminder, Kazuma, given that you've been hitting on your daughter for a few dozen chapters.
"She grabbed Sasaki," Who's "she"? The last person mentioned is Sasaki herself.
It's an awkward thing to be praising, but the beating Komekko takes from Seiya is an emotionally strong moment, immediately capturing my sympathy in a gut-wrenching fashion. The prose is straightforward and effective, but mainly it's how consistently and charmingly you've been writing Komekko that makes this sequence hit so hard.
Though I'm still not happy with how you've been writing Nagato as an empty-headed nymphomaniac who somehow cannot understand popular idioms, basic biology, or even common terms like "spicy" despite her voracious reading, I have to admit I got a kick out of her request for a library card.
I wonder how Arue was able to get multiple copies of a book with cover art in Belzerg, which is supposedly a standard RPG world (meaning no printing presses).
If Nagato doesn't require nourishment, then where does her energy come from? Not to mention, how can she eat?
"As Yuki was unaware of ..." This whole paragraph is a lapse into objective perspective.
3/23/2024 c47 Martin III
This fic has always had a disproportionately high lesbian population, but in these past several chapters you have lesbian couples popping up like they're on a factory production line. In conjunction with the absence of male gay couples, nearly every character having a significant other, and the way love triangles are so quickly dissolved, this seems tied to an authorial assumption that every character has to be paired off; since the Haruhi Suzumiya cast has more females than males, and Konosuba's cast is almost all female, that assumption forces you to resort to mass lesbianism. (It's also striking that Cremea, the only character who isn't paired off, is dead by an undisclosed cause.) Regardless of the reason, it's a break in suspension of disbelief.
Nagato has strayed embarrassingly from her canon portrayal. Her character now seems to consist solely of wanting to have sex with Kyon and publicly stating this desire.
Komekko is the strong point of these chapters, as appears to be becoming a trend. Her moral ambiguity makes her more unpredictable than the rest of the cast, and at the same time, her characterizations feel more consistent than most of them. Her subtle bonding with her party members is also enjoyable. Speaking of whom, I like how these scenes give Tachibana a chance to shine outside of Koizumi's shadow. Komekko also plays well off of Vanir, who I'm glad to see show up.
Goddesses being able to change their form is an obvious inconsistency; if they could do that, why wouldn't Eris change her form when she goes incognito in the mortal realm, like every other god in mythology? Not to mention, why would she use chest pads if she could just make her breasts whatever size she wants?
I've mentioned it before, but since Haruhi keeps on crying for alcohol in this fic, I'll mention it again: The Disappearance is explicit that Haruhi does not drink.
"'Yeah, but you're crazy powerful." The source material consistently portrays Nagato's powers as sourced to her connection to the Data Overmind (which was severed in chapter 11, not that I'm expecting that to suddenly have an effect now). It's rather illogical to say that power which Being A draws from Being B qualifies Being A for godhood, and it also raises the issue of why this qualifies Nagato for godhood but not the hundreds of data organisms who have the same powers.
The idea that Haruhi asked out Mikuru as a consolation prize would be compelling except that in this fic Haruhi's attraction to Kyon was never any more convincing than her attraction to Mikuru, so there's nothing to console herself about.
"and that's how I saved the world, by Frenching God," It's amazing how many ways this one line is blatantly out-of-character. One, Kyon isn't a braggart. Two, he has never believed Haruhi is God or even a god; this is fundamental to both his worldview and his relationship with Haruhi. Three, Kyon has consistently refused to admit to anyone that he kissed Haruhi - and that was when he *wasn't* romantically involved with anyone else. Four, Kyon has always been respectful of women; the idea that he would kiss and tell doesn't hold up, even without such a flippant term as "Frenching". One of the strong points of this fic's early chapters is the contrast between Kyon and Kazuma, but you've been increasingly portraying Kyon as just a Kazuma clone.
Oh, and in no version of the story (light novel, manga, or anime) is there any indication that Kyon French kissed Haruhi in the Melancholy. On the contrary, the body language implies that it was a closed-mouth kiss.
"And if he wrongs you, we shall plot his doom together." Great line for Megumin. It made me chuckle, and restores some of the dignity she lost by waiting for *ten years* for a guy who then dumped her because meh, he's hot for her but thinks he might be slightly hotter for another girl. Her decision not to blame Aqua for Kazuma's fickleness comes off not as avoiding conflict, but strength of character and recognition of the value of friendship.
This fic has always had a disproportionately high lesbian population, but in these past several chapters you have lesbian couples popping up like they're on a factory production line. In conjunction with the absence of male gay couples, nearly every character having a significant other, and the way love triangles are so quickly dissolved, this seems tied to an authorial assumption that every character has to be paired off; since the Haruhi Suzumiya cast has more females than males, and Konosuba's cast is almost all female, that assumption forces you to resort to mass lesbianism. (It's also striking that Cremea, the only character who isn't paired off, is dead by an undisclosed cause.) Regardless of the reason, it's a break in suspension of disbelief.
Nagato has strayed embarrassingly from her canon portrayal. Her character now seems to consist solely of wanting to have sex with Kyon and publicly stating this desire.
Komekko is the strong point of these chapters, as appears to be becoming a trend. Her moral ambiguity makes her more unpredictable than the rest of the cast, and at the same time, her characterizations feel more consistent than most of them. Her subtle bonding with her party members is also enjoyable. Speaking of whom, I like how these scenes give Tachibana a chance to shine outside of Koizumi's shadow. Komekko also plays well off of Vanir, who I'm glad to see show up.
Goddesses being able to change their form is an obvious inconsistency; if they could do that, why wouldn't Eris change her form when she goes incognito in the mortal realm, like every other god in mythology? Not to mention, why would she use chest pads if she could just make her breasts whatever size she wants?
I've mentioned it before, but since Haruhi keeps on crying for alcohol in this fic, I'll mention it again: The Disappearance is explicit that Haruhi does not drink.
"'Yeah, but you're crazy powerful." The source material consistently portrays Nagato's powers as sourced to her connection to the Data Overmind (which was severed in chapter 11, not that I'm expecting that to suddenly have an effect now). It's rather illogical to say that power which Being A draws from Being B qualifies Being A for godhood, and it also raises the issue of why this qualifies Nagato for godhood but not the hundreds of data organisms who have the same powers.
The idea that Haruhi asked out Mikuru as a consolation prize would be compelling except that in this fic Haruhi's attraction to Kyon was never any more convincing than her attraction to Mikuru, so there's nothing to console herself about.
"and that's how I saved the world, by Frenching God," It's amazing how many ways this one line is blatantly out-of-character. One, Kyon isn't a braggart. Two, he has never believed Haruhi is God or even a god; this is fundamental to both his worldview and his relationship with Haruhi. Three, Kyon has consistently refused to admit to anyone that he kissed Haruhi - and that was when he *wasn't* romantically involved with anyone else. Four, Kyon has always been respectful of women; the idea that he would kiss and tell doesn't hold up, even without such a flippant term as "Frenching". One of the strong points of this fic's early chapters is the contrast between Kyon and Kazuma, but you've been increasingly portraying Kyon as just a Kazuma clone.
Oh, and in no version of the story (light novel, manga, or anime) is there any indication that Kyon French kissed Haruhi in the Melancholy. On the contrary, the body language implies that it was a closed-mouth kiss.
"And if he wrongs you, we shall plot his doom together." Great line for Megumin. It made me chuckle, and restores some of the dignity she lost by waiting for *ten years* for a guy who then dumped her because meh, he's hot for her but thinks he might be slightly hotter for another girl. Her decision not to blame Aqua for Kazuma's fickleness comes off not as avoiding conflict, but strength of character and recognition of the value of friendship.
3/18/2024 c44 Martin III
"Are you insane!? That will hurt you just as much as me!' Asakura gasped." Very out-of-character for Asakura to have preconceived notions of an alien's attitude towards pain.
Before that, she was Amaterasu-Omikami. ...Without any context or explanation, this plot twist is incomplete, even nonsensical. Based on what little information we're given so far, it also seems to completely miss the point of Haruhi's character.
"I know you'd have kids," Really, Aqua? Women have been throwing themselves at Kazuma left and right with no resultant action, and we now know he was married for at least 15 years with only one child, and that one probably adopted, and you still aren't going to consider the probability that Kazuma is infertile and/or has problems with intimacy?
Good on Haruhi for calling out Kazuma when he kissed Megumin. Just what I'd expect from her, but still a moment that had me pumping my fist. I like how you make it clear that she's not just messing with Kazuma again here; she's speaking out for her own principles and her own family.
Some very enjoyable humor in this scene, too. Cecily's announcements got a good chuckle out of me.
Glad that Megumin's response to Kazuma and Aqua getting together was not a repeat of Haruhi's response to Kyon and Nagato. This was altogether more interesting, particularly with Megumin bashing Aqua. That said, that Megumin would accept Kazuma so arbitrarily choosing Aqua over her after having waited for him *ten years* is another case where you're making the characters bend over backwards to avoid any romantic conflict. The arbitrariness of this resolution seems only confirmed by your author's note in which you felt the need to try to justify Kazuma breaking up with Megumin. This particularly stands out because of this fic's near absence of authorial notes up until this point (even the opening chapter doesn't have any). The lines "Sometimes, your first love is just a crush and a fling. Most people don't end up with their highschool sweetheart ..." are especially curious because Megumin is not Kazuma's first love, nor his high school sweetheart.
"You're...well, it's been ten years, hasn't it?'" At this point I thought for sure you were going to have Kazuma confront the elephant in the room and tell Megumin that she's a lot less young and nubile (and therefore a lot less attractive to him) than she was a decade ago. Shame that you chose to back down from that opportunity.
"She proposed to me, Kazuma. ... She is Chief now...and she needs a consort and heir." Um. People of the same sex cannot conceive children together. Or do you not know what the words "consort" and "heir" mean?
"Are you insane!? That will hurt you just as much as me!' Asakura gasped." Very out-of-character for Asakura to have preconceived notions of an alien's attitude towards pain.
Before that, she was Amaterasu-Omikami. ...Without any context or explanation, this plot twist is incomplete, even nonsensical. Based on what little information we're given so far, it also seems to completely miss the point of Haruhi's character.
"I know you'd have kids," Really, Aqua? Women have been throwing themselves at Kazuma left and right with no resultant action, and we now know he was married for at least 15 years with only one child, and that one probably adopted, and you still aren't going to consider the probability that Kazuma is infertile and/or has problems with intimacy?
Good on Haruhi for calling out Kazuma when he kissed Megumin. Just what I'd expect from her, but still a moment that had me pumping my fist. I like how you make it clear that she's not just messing with Kazuma again here; she's speaking out for her own principles and her own family.
Some very enjoyable humor in this scene, too. Cecily's announcements got a good chuckle out of me.
Glad that Megumin's response to Kazuma and Aqua getting together was not a repeat of Haruhi's response to Kyon and Nagato. This was altogether more interesting, particularly with Megumin bashing Aqua. That said, that Megumin would accept Kazuma so arbitrarily choosing Aqua over her after having waited for him *ten years* is another case where you're making the characters bend over backwards to avoid any romantic conflict. The arbitrariness of this resolution seems only confirmed by your author's note in which you felt the need to try to justify Kazuma breaking up with Megumin. This particularly stands out because of this fic's near absence of authorial notes up until this point (even the opening chapter doesn't have any). The lines "Sometimes, your first love is just a crush and a fling. Most people don't end up with their highschool sweetheart ..." are especially curious because Megumin is not Kazuma's first love, nor his high school sweetheart.
"You're...well, it's been ten years, hasn't it?'" At this point I thought for sure you were going to have Kazuma confront the elephant in the room and tell Megumin that she's a lot less young and nubile (and therefore a lot less attractive to him) than she was a decade ago. Shame that you chose to back down from that opportunity.
"She proposed to me, Kazuma. ... She is Chief now...and she needs a consort and heir." Um. People of the same sex cannot conceive children together. Or do you not know what the words "consort" and "heir" mean?
3/15/2024 c42 Martin III
And now Nagato is explaining her attraction to Kyon. Like Kyon's explanation, this only serves to highlight their lack of compatibility, e.g. "conversations about books that I have read, and reads them also" draws attention to the fact that Kyon is a non-reader. Kyon inexplicably acquiring the ability to understand Nagato's wordier speeches has the same essential problem: When you resort to portraying the characters as something they're not in order to make them a couple, it tells the reader that you don't believe they are compatible, only that you can attach their names to two completely different characters who are.
It's great fun seeing the SOS Brigade poke fun at the nonsense elements of Belzerg. Amusing and not overdone. Kyon pointing out the obvious fallacy of Kazuma calling Aqua "useless" was quite gratifying, and jumping to the defense of a girl like that is a refreshingly in-character moment for Kyon against his forced romance with Nagato.
"messing with Kazuma was growing on her as a hobby." Love this line. Partly because of its wit, partly because it's good to see Haruhi having some fun in this fic for a change, and partly because I would enjoy messing with Kazuma myself. He more than deserves it.
The whole routine of Kazuma and Aqua catching up with their old acquaintances and introducing them to their daughter is a good change of pace, an indulgence in genuine socializing and revelry with characters who, if not always in-character, are strongly defined. The wit is pretty good throughout, and there's a sense of actual good will.
The assigning of Haruhi's class was a good moment. It really felt like she has earned that unique title, and there's a drama around the ceremony.
The bit with the two Nagatos is just weird and confusing. And Kyon's complete indifference to what personality Nagato has makes him seem less interested in her than ever.
"Shouldn't you have a better grasp of geography?' Kyoko asked skeptically." Right, Kyoko. Being well-versed in geography means when you're dumped on a random location, you have the ability to know exactly where you are from just a glance at your immediate surroundings. (That's sarcasm, Kyoko.)
Komekko, Kyoko, and Sasaki make a good group. I like their dynamic, with Komekko being the dominating yet easygoing leader, Kyoko the normal girl who is highly on edge from their situation, and Sasaki the weird one who is calm about everything.
Haruhi doesn't drink alcohol. This was established in The Disappearance.
Why is Kyon so mystified about Haruhi giving him drumming ability? He witnessed her do the same thing to Nagato in "Live Alive".
"And you know what they say about drummers.'" Yeah, that they're the only member of the band that doesn't go home with a girl. I know this because I just watched the Wiseguy episode "Dead Dog Lives".
Oh wow, in chapter 42 you have Haruhi behaving like Haruhi. That hasn't happened since chapter 11. I hope it keeps up, though that seems unlikely.
And now Nagato is explaining her attraction to Kyon. Like Kyon's explanation, this only serves to highlight their lack of compatibility, e.g. "conversations about books that I have read, and reads them also" draws attention to the fact that Kyon is a non-reader. Kyon inexplicably acquiring the ability to understand Nagato's wordier speeches has the same essential problem: When you resort to portraying the characters as something they're not in order to make them a couple, it tells the reader that you don't believe they are compatible, only that you can attach their names to two completely different characters who are.
It's great fun seeing the SOS Brigade poke fun at the nonsense elements of Belzerg. Amusing and not overdone. Kyon pointing out the obvious fallacy of Kazuma calling Aqua "useless" was quite gratifying, and jumping to the defense of a girl like that is a refreshingly in-character moment for Kyon against his forced romance with Nagato.
"messing with Kazuma was growing on her as a hobby." Love this line. Partly because of its wit, partly because it's good to see Haruhi having some fun in this fic for a change, and partly because I would enjoy messing with Kazuma myself. He more than deserves it.
The whole routine of Kazuma and Aqua catching up with their old acquaintances and introducing them to their daughter is a good change of pace, an indulgence in genuine socializing and revelry with characters who, if not always in-character, are strongly defined. The wit is pretty good throughout, and there's a sense of actual good will.
The assigning of Haruhi's class was a good moment. It really felt like she has earned that unique title, and there's a drama around the ceremony.
The bit with the two Nagatos is just weird and confusing. And Kyon's complete indifference to what personality Nagato has makes him seem less interested in her than ever.
"Shouldn't you have a better grasp of geography?' Kyoko asked skeptically." Right, Kyoko. Being well-versed in geography means when you're dumped on a random location, you have the ability to know exactly where you are from just a glance at your immediate surroundings. (That's sarcasm, Kyoko.)
Komekko, Kyoko, and Sasaki make a good group. I like their dynamic, with Komekko being the dominating yet easygoing leader, Kyoko the normal girl who is highly on edge from their situation, and Sasaki the weird one who is calm about everything.
Haruhi doesn't drink alcohol. This was established in The Disappearance.
Why is Kyon so mystified about Haruhi giving him drumming ability? He witnessed her do the same thing to Nagato in "Live Alive".
"And you know what they say about drummers.'" Yeah, that they're the only member of the band that doesn't go home with a girl. I know this because I just watched the Wiseguy episode "Dead Dog Lives".
Oh wow, in chapter 42 you have Haruhi behaving like Haruhi. That hasn't happened since chapter 11. I hope it keeps up, though that seems unlikely.