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for Anger

1/22/2021 c1 2k+Hawki
-I'm tempted to say that the introdoctory paragraphs could do with work, but that's not really the best way to put it. That aside, I was confused as to who was talking at first - Betruger or Hayden. I mean, it becomes clear later that it's the latter, but the level of ambiguity at the start was noticable, and not in a good way.

-Furthermore, vague as to the context. If it's in the continuity of Doom 3, this isn't so much an issue, but if it's in the continuity of Doom 2016, then it raises a bunch of questions, namely why Betruger is apparently above Hayden in the UAC, and, even if it's before Samur apparently possessed his body, his personality Maybe the implication is that the Hayden of yesteryear was different from Samur's possession of him, so I can't call this an error per se, but it's a noticable deviation.

-"I have begun to get unusual in my work..."

This reads extremely awkwardly. I get Hayden coming to Betruger in some form, if he's suffering mental stress, but this sentence in of itself is very awkward.

-"Does this have anything to do with me?" He asked me, and I answered, "yes it does."

Issues here. You've used "me" back to back three times, and it reads very awkwardly. Furthermore, when a new character begins talking, you should start a new line. So, for instance, this could be written as:

"...anything to do with me?" He asked.

"Yes, it does."

-This issue happens again with the drawer line.

-"You're a good for nothing heretic," He chuckled.

"He" should be "he."

-"...highly unlikely for the betterment of you aside from your reputation here on mars,"

I can't copy-paste the entire paragraph, but the writing literally doesn't make sense. I don't know what "highly unlikely for the betterment of you" means in this context. Also, "mars" should be "Mars," and it should end with a full stop rather than a comma.

-So, with the mention of Maykrs, I can assume that this is in Doom 2016 continuity, unless one's going by the "one Hell, many Earths" theory which could slot D3 into things. But even that aside, assuming that Hayden is Samur at this point, then he's very OOC here.

-I stay silent. He knows, he chuckles, "You are! It's nice to meet a human look-alike then,"

This is written awkwardly. I'd have a full stop after "knows," because "he chuckles" leads into the dialogue, while "he knows" is more of a stand-alone description from Hayden's POV. Furthermore, you again end the dialogue with a comma rather than a full stop.

-At the end of the day, can't say this oneshot worked for me. There's potential in Hayden and Betruger meeting, but with the former being OOC, and the latter chewing the scenery, plus the issues raised above, didn't work nearly as well as it could have.

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