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for The monster you made

1/26 c2 1Novrier
This was somewhat painful.
Sorry, but ... well, during the first chapter the main feeling I had is utter confusion on what is going on. That is quite a problem, when I can make sense of what I am reading.
Hell, I couldn't even understand at what time period the events are taking place ... until in the end you basically stated this is around the five page summit. Well, if you need to explain stuff outside the narrative in an author's note, you are doing something wrong.
Structure is messy, you constantly mix dialogue with regular narrative.
People scream in all upper case letters ... annoying as hell. Fine, it works for something truly loud and bombastic. Like a tailed beast bomb exploding. Not when a person is screaming. People already invented an exclamation mark for that, that is enough. And if you really need to stress someone being loud, well, describe that in the story.
Pacing is rushed. Dialogue is very simplistic and crude. Development of relations is ... there is no development. You basically just stated Naruto and Tamara are a pairing. No development, no progression, no nothing. A rushed pairing is plain awful for a story.
Actually, half the characters feel like ... cardboard stereotypes or are just plain ruined without any explanations, without stuff making any sense.
Red rinnegan ... deus ex machina.
Overall, this just feels plain rushed and unfinished. I mean the summary looked somewhat promising.
But it is a pain to read something that is hard to read due to bad structure, that is rushed, that makes no sense half the time.
For crying out loud, you don't even describe stuff, you just state what happened. I'll just give a small example ... Gaara vanished in a white light, as Temaru started crying, as Gaara shed some tears and the rest of the sage were shocked ...
That is painful to read. This is not a sentense of a story, this is a list of facts in a report. You could literally make a large scene out of it. Describe stuff in detail, create atmosphere.
Sorry, but I hoped the second chapter would somewhat help after the first, but ... for the most part it made stuff worse.

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