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for The Unpredictable

4/12/2023 c1 21shaddowsong
Each section has an important time in his life and shows his experiences, how he's feeling, and how important Lily is. In the first, he's alone and miserable and she is not there. Then he has true hope and faith that he and Lily will be friends always. Then the anger and grief over his lost of her, the true beginnings of hate, and it all goes down hill from there. If I have one critique it's that "All for a woman" seems very dismissive.
4/10/2023 c1 33StarrAngelofNarnia
I love how you've organized this story. The sentence structure you use as well, with short concise sentences conveys the emotions effectively. I think you captured Snape well here. I'm a major fan of Snape as a character so I always appreciate reading about him and his struggles. Thank you for the Snape stuff!
10/4/2021 c1 34skyatnight13
Its fine, I guess.
3/24/2021 c1 65Sapphire402
I really enjoyed this
You managed to capture Severus’s emotions really well in all the snippets of his life. Reading about his life from his point of view was interesting and I feel like you stayed true to his character.
Some concrit, I think in the first section “It happened everyday.” would be better after “his mother and father arguing.” for clarity.
In the second section, “that was all about to change in a few years…” I feel like “that would all change in a few years.” sounds better.
In the third section, maybe you can specify “rose/formed in his belly” in “He felt hot bubbles of anger towards all of them.”
And maybe some tenses could be reworked a bit.
Then I found a few small typos and thought it may be helpful to point them out
In the first section you wrote “He father” instead of “his father”, and “he couldn't get this hands on” instead of “his hands”.
In the second section “He has real friends now, and only have to leave two months a year.” “have” should be “has”.
In the third section, “because of his of called Slytherin 'friends'.” I think you meant “so-called”.
In the fourth section, there’s “about ho home”, instead of “his”.
In the fifth section, “He hd commited the biggest blunder” instead of “had”.
In the sixth and last section, “Dark Lord thinks he is a spy for the Order, while Order thinks that he is a spy for Voldemort.” should be “The Dark Lord” and “while the Order” or “while they”; and I feel like you could omit “Something like that.”
All in all, it was a good study of Severus’s emotions and thoughts throughout the hardest moments of his life. Also, managing to write that exact number of words is really cool.

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