for Goliath1/30 c1 adamfranklin.uu
I read your story and really enjoyed it. It would be great in comic format. If you are interested in making it in comic format, do let me know. Then, we can discuss it further, and I can explain everything about comics in detail.
I read your story and really enjoyed it. It would be great in comic format. If you are interested in making it in comic format, do let me know. Then, we can discuss it further, and I can explain everything about comics in detail.
9/12/2023 c2 Guest
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING SHITSTAINED GRAMMAR
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS FUCKING SHITSTAINED GRAMMAR
6/27/2021 c2 dudedude44
I didn't know that I wanted this but after reading the first two chapters I fully support you and hope you continue with this story
I didn't know that I wanted this but after reading the first two chapters I fully support you and hope you continue with this story
5/27/2021 c2 An anonymous
So far so good the story for now has been mostly going well and taking another approach instead of the usual: space soldier lands, finds dragon egg cuz plot and wrecks shit up. The grammar is good the motivations of characters make sense. The only thing I feel is slightly contrived and convinient is the AI but it can be overlooked honestly.
Let's show them the power of steel and machinery and the benefits of technology!
So far so good the story for now has been mostly going well and taking another approach instead of the usual: space soldier lands, finds dragon egg cuz plot and wrecks shit up. The grammar is good the motivations of characters make sense. The only thing I feel is slightly contrived and convinient is the AI but it can be overlooked honestly.
Let's show them the power of steel and machinery and the benefits of technology!
5/15/2021 c2 Brother Bov
I like it, readable and has potential.
It feels like its missing something though.
Its not the flashback, thats a good technique for developing your characters and you do that better than average.
Best way to describe it would be lacking colour. We dont know how Tanner looks or how VT looks. The surroundings are lacking depth. Best way to describe it would be a wireframe of the scene you are trying to make. This can be easily fixed with asking a few simple questions i.e Is it day or night, are there fires or scorch marks, amongst wreckage and destruction, is it a lush green forest or a populated area, bustling with colour and sound and people.
Sound too, is good for adding that extra little bit of soul to your story. it doesnt need to be onomatopoeia. But you can add background narration "with a crackle the L-star unleashed a salvo of superheated plasma at the soilders head. It exploded with a wet splat, leaving a hissing stump." bit gory that one. Heres a nicer exampleTanner strolled through the forest, each step ending with crackle of autumn leaves. His mind found peace as it listened to the birdsong, bringing back his mind to peaceful days in the frontier." There, an example for both battle and more peaceful scenes. Its these little things, that add soul that makes great stories.
Keep writing, youll go far the harder you try.
Brother Sergeant Bov.
I like it, readable and has potential.
It feels like its missing something though.
Its not the flashback, thats a good technique for developing your characters and you do that better than average.
Best way to describe it would be lacking colour. We dont know how Tanner looks or how VT looks. The surroundings are lacking depth. Best way to describe it would be a wireframe of the scene you are trying to make. This can be easily fixed with asking a few simple questions i.e Is it day or night, are there fires or scorch marks, amongst wreckage and destruction, is it a lush green forest or a populated area, bustling with colour and sound and people.
Sound too, is good for adding that extra little bit of soul to your story. it doesnt need to be onomatopoeia. But you can add background narration "with a crackle the L-star unleashed a salvo of superheated plasma at the soilders head. It exploded with a wet splat, leaving a hissing stump." bit gory that one. Heres a nicer exampleTanner strolled through the forest, each step ending with crackle of autumn leaves. His mind found peace as it listened to the birdsong, bringing back his mind to peaceful days in the frontier." There, an example for both battle and more peaceful scenes. Its these little things, that add soul that makes great stories.
Keep writing, youll go far the harder you try.
Brother Sergeant Bov.
5/15/2021 c2 alv1
I still like it and the story is readable which a plus for methe chapter is short but it's ok
I still like it and the story is readable which a plus for methe chapter is short but it's ok
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