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5/20 c2 Cygnus Steel
what an interesting crossover lol
3/19 c3 4M'jai
It started off organically with a good flow and immersion.

But immersion was broken after that for a few reasons. The narrator's telling of the battle needs more showing, even though he's telling. :) A little more visual action and dialog could have helped it seem more "live." I had to reread starting there because without concrete action and dialog, my eyes missed and skipped over what was happening.

Immersion was dropped completely with the instruction to listen to a soundtrack in the middle of the tale. Soundtrack suggestions are best done as author notes, either before or after the story. It's really not a good idea to break immersion for author notes in the middle of a chapter. If you absolutely must tag something in the middle, footnote numbers can point to an explanation later in an author's note at the end.

And the last part was an info dump. Ask yourself what part of that information is necessary to push the story forward toward its end or if anything there is a foreshadow of what's to come. Get rid of anything else that does not directly or indirectly build the character's growth or the plot's end goal. (Like the spell information.)

In fiction, a writer's primary goal is to hold the attention of the reader long enough to suspend disbelief. Breaking immersion loses readers. Telling too much as opposed to "showing/seeing" the action, author notes interrupting a scene, and info dumps are notorious for pulling readers out of the story to point their attention somewhere else or lose it completely. So try to keep those out of the story or place them before or after the chapter text.

The beginning paragraphs up to the magic lesson were well done. I met new characters. I "saw" them through a nice balance of show and tell. And the story unfolded and progressed toward a magic lesson. The rest is world-building, rather than storytelling, so that's more for you as the creator than for your reader who is supposed to be immersed in what happens next. :)
3/14 c3 Guest
wowzers
3/7 c2 Guest
wow
3/6 c1 Guest
wowzers
3/7 c2 M'jai
The concept of moving from Space Age sci-fi to Medieval fantasy makes for an interesting combination. And portal stories always have an "OMG, where am I?" reconciliation period. This can be humorous, terrifying, or somewhere in-between, and often manic. So, the range of emotions is important to relate to what the character is experiencing. That and world exploration, since it's a completely different world. This chapter covers that ground and does what's necessary to move the plot forward, even if it's still a background narrative.

The character's first experiences adjusting to his new world are the memory makers and should outweigh the use of description in this kind of chapter, except where it applies to what's unusual and important. New character introduced, change in appearance, talking animals - these are unique experiences that will stick with both the character and the reader. :)
3/7 c1 1A-01
I'm glad that you've taken this step and thrown yourself forward with writing!

Be patient with yourself.
Feel for your story.
Pump your heart into the works that flow through your hands. I know you can because I know you care.

Brutal honesty. This isn't the kind of story for me, so I think that there won't be much that you can do with the narrative that will make me really enjoy the direction.
But DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, take that as any kind of dissuasion. I WILL read all that you upload because it touches me that you messaged me for advice to help you improve and that you took that first brave little step in just committing to your first step in uploading this.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
You won't be at your strongest on your first step. But care for yourself and your work, and each step will grow firmer as you learn and grow.
Read your work back, be inspired by your own ideas, and revise with greater passion.

Stay patient.
Stay passionate.
Stay eager to improve.

I'll be adding more characters, hopefully of the helpful kind, when you upload next.
3/6 c1 4M'jai
Off to a nice start. The backstory is full of action and brings the reader up to date rather quickly, which is good. Lots of visuals going on in the descriptions. Honestly, I like the first person narrative here. And the way the narrator addresses the reader, and the way it ended, it sounds a bit like an epistolary read (letter-style) - like he's telling the listener, hold on a minute; I'll be right back and continue the story. It makes it feel very personal. I also like the use of understatement to describe the aunt. :)
3/6 c1 MarauderPrime12
Good start, but needs a bit of polish

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