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for Training Day Lemon Oneshot

4/10 c1 Bree
I'm gonna assume this was your 1st lemon . Lol

Well, honestly...while I really appreciated the NaruSaku pair...this could've been written better.
Here's my critique-You need to learn how to properly format or write out your story. It's all bunched together. Which makes for poor quality reading.

Secondly, try writing the characters a bit more realistically, and learn about sex. Girls orgasms doesn't push out a guys sperm. It's a sexual reaction that sucks it in further to guarantee full insemination. Of you don't know what that means then look it up.

Third, you should age the characters up. Make sure their at least mid teens (15 & up). Sasuke wasn't their for years and there were plenty of situations that could been utilized or created to craft a tasteful, or intriguing lemon. If their teenagers then usually that's their business and no on else's...unless they're caught in the act or tell people. If your gonna show Sakura being turned out after. (I.e SUPER HORNY & NYMPH LIKE) Then portray Naruto's sexual stamina and progress as above average. Forcing Sakura to endure intense sexual bouts that leave her reservations and hesitations dead on the floor. Basically pliable and willing.

Fourth, learn how to write dialogue. Make it sound realistically suited for whatever character your portraying. Their speech, tone and quirks. For example, read the manga. From their you can decide to write the characters more realistically w/ some exaggerated moments, or flexibly.

Smut is cool, but Naruto should've had a moment to dwell on the emotional aspects of their relationship first. Sakura on the other hand... isn't sexually promiscuous or a thot. I could see she had latent feelings, but she's not gonna just drop to her knees and give a random blow job. It makes more sense for tension to be the driving aspect of their eventual coming together. Or Naruto confronts her after certain events about their wishy washy dynamic. Of course, much older and in Shippuden.

Using Kurama to push Naruto past his point of control is kinda overused, at this point. I could see him acting as Naruto's double consciousness. Sort of like the devil on his shoulder. Though, it's possible some aspects of his other nature could comes into play when...desiring Someone. Like a bi polar snap hesitancy of drawing back then launching forward. Sharper teeth, sharp eyesight, and great smell or hearing. Some fics incorporate Naruto's Jinchirikki aspects into his normal everyday life. Most people don't know unless Naruto walks up to Sakura, or something and let's her know he can smell when she's on the rag and etc... Lol Scaring the shit out of people.

Outside of that, I'd rank it a D. For the earlier description of the backgrounds and movements. Sakura ambivalence. Aka latent attraction/lust vs her co-dependence/infatuation/obsession w/ the Uchiha.

Good luck on your future work!
4/11 c1 catspats31
While the writing quality of your story is good in terms of spelling and grammar, please note this part of the Content Guidelines:

"Please note FanFiction does not accept explicit content, Fiction Rating: MA, and the rating is only presented for reference."

You should remove all of the detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature in this story if you want it to remain at this site, or upload it to a site where "Fiction MA" content is allowed like Archive Of Our Own.
4/10 c1 I. P. Frealy
it's ok for a first lemon, the main problems were that its poorly formated
4/8 c1 Mr. Ursine
‘Twas a mighty fine lemon. Good flow to your writing as well. I’ll have to see what else you have made or will make in the future.
4/7 c1 3Dark Link M Smith
keep this going
4/7 c1 WindyCitySlayer1
Awesome chapter
4/7 c1 Rodri115
No son muy jovenes para esas cosas? Esta bien, solo trata de separar un poco más los dialogos entre los personajes para que sean más faciles de leer. Y desarrolla un poco más la trama antes de que comienzen a hacerlo, pero me gusto
Pd: Kakashi resulto ser un miron jaja.

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