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4/22 c3 Weird man
I see well this chapter is still grammatically not correct. I’m sorry it’s just as soon as I read the concept I liked it and I can’t make an account so you can just delegate this and my other reviews. But still this chapter is still broken. Reread this chapter it gives me a head ack looking at the large paragraph. It’s good but just that text hurts my brain. I’m sorry about that I was upsetting you it’s just I can’t make an delegate my other reviews.
4/21 c1 3Blitzkriege37
Weird man! Calm down! If you wanna talk with me about my RWBY/DSMP concept,make an account and PM with me. Raiding my story is not the way to go.
4/19 c3 Weird man
Hello I published my review a little early but here’s a plan for ranboo. Look ranboo has gained so much plot that it’s hard to put him anywhere. We know from some of his stream that in his ender chest be has blocks of diamonds and emeralds even some totems of undying so honestly I believe that the smp members should keep there stuff as well as there ender chests there kinda like pocket dimensions so it should be able to travel with them. And I know that this part is a little far fetch but his ender walks should be something that improves his fighting but dosnt care who he hurts since this form knows dream and do you think that dream wouldn’t give ranboo some of his skill. Most of his plot is hike self with his memory book and I believe that Cardon should try and bully him since he’s like part fauna or looks like one and then when he is walking during his ender walk crayon sees him and he’s just starts trying to attack him which he ignores until he grabs his book and ranboo just teleports with his sword and he just teleports his sword in his leg’s and arms or he teleports and stabs him and then he teleports cardon with his hurt body into the forest without any wepons and the Grimm is attracted to carbons pain and ranboo ender walk they start running to him and ranboo leaves cardon to the Grimm. What you do to him is up to you.
4/19 c3 Weird man
Hello I’ve seen your idea with dsmp and rwby and heard that most of it isn’t planed so can Im putting some of my ideas here. So. I believe that Hannah might feel like a backgroundcharacter since she’s so new and haven’t seen much of her so I believe making her related to ruby be the best since it makes her get involved. Another thing Imbelive could happen is that tommy is very suspects that Ozpin is evil or hiding something since his manipulation that dream did to him should make him distrust him and it’d be like who lets kids fight monsters or if they show up at the start of the exam he might think that why should he let them stay. Karl is one of my favorite character but honestly he’d probably be the funny side character at the start with small hints of his memory failing or during the Grimm class the teacher Romberg a adventurer that helped defend I village then disappeared. This could explain his fighting experience since Hannah is good at bed wars, tommy has been in wars, Ranboo was living with techno and probably got some tips, and Karl has been time traveling into dangerous situations so he learned. Now onto the character that I’m having a hard time placing, Rambo
4/18 c1 Weird man
Oh well you know just scrap my old reviews uh sorry I just usually review from back to back with shorter stories and I just seen that you said that some mistakes our caused by so I’ve figured out why it would like to different people. This still does not change a few things I said but it does delete a few. This is my freak review from rereading the book and that’s it’s detailed in the wrong places. The thinking process is a big part of the story but when we don’t know anything about the environment and the only thing we get is a paragraph that feels like it has no emotions. Look from reading all I can’t guess is that there in a dessert with a truck that we have no details for and a gun that’s called a steyar that a gun. That gives almost no details and the rest of what we get is that we get a description of some guy whom is probably dead and I lot of thoughts that’s meaningless. Look her fighting style is not that important and what more is that who thinks like that before a battle “oh she liked to pick off enemy’s at range” I mean most people think about there guilt or sins Mabel even the fact that they might die. From what I get from her description is that how she shoots and not her family anything she might have loved or fallen comrades no what we get is I like to shoot from the back. Also another part is that we feel nothing for her just she the main character with a dark mysterious past. Look a perfect character needs a motivation and faults since if she just has faults then why should she confront it and with just a goal there’s no real trouble. Look another thing is that the action of getting attacked at unknown time since I don’t use military numbers to dawn was a few sentences. Your putting to much effort in some other parts that the timings and story suffer greatly. I honestly feel like a rewritten version is needed since the pacing and descriptions suffer. Don’t give up
4/18 c2 Weird man
Hello I’ve come from the rwby story you review and went to check out your story’s and let me just say it’s good. Not the best but good. Since I’m the only one who’s reviewing I will give you the run down of what I felt the chapter needs. First of proper wording and comas. Look I know this is your first story and since it is I can understand but the comas you put a space after it so it breaks it apart and is easy to ready since with it in the middle it’s harder to understand if it’s together and then you look back and it breaks the whole story. Consistency is something I value over anything in the story and yours is confusing. Ozpins section fine and is how your supposed to write it. But in the next chapter we see ruby thinking and the style you used here, it isn’t over there. Look I’ll tell you what I think about the story so far it feels like two separate people decided to split the writing and that is annoying. Look this is all criticism but I see so much Protental
4/18 c3 Weird man
Hello Ive seen your request and I’ve come. A few thing you can work on is spacing. You must know that a paragraph is usable 5 sentences and shorter also breaking it up is a good way of making it seem longer. Also another thing is that when a character says one thing then another says something else you make that another paragraph. I’ve read the large paragraph and it’s meh it’s all just there since you try to explain everything but it’s first person so it should feel automatic not just “I rushed over since she could be in danger” instead “I rushed towards her” the meaning is still flows better. This can happen to a lot of writers but honestly my best advice is look at writers you like and when you see something that your style dosnt use write that down and then use that style. It could fit or look horrible but the chance of improvement is always worth the risk.

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