for Stitches (Rewrite)7/10/2021 c2 
22TheRavenMocker
Wish I can put an emoji of Maiko's smug face because that's literally the face Im making now when I see their friendship making progress.
22TheRavenMockerWish I can put an emoji of Maiko's smug face because that's literally the face Im making now when I see their friendship making progress.
5/22/2021 c1 Guest
Good start mate, from reading the first chapter, you seem to be a great writer. I hope you can keep your motivation for this story cause if so, it could be one of the best stories on this site up there with KellyLad’s: Getting to Know You
Good start mate, from reading the first chapter, you seem to be a great writer. I hope you can keep your motivation for this story cause if so, it could be one of the best stories on this site up there with KellyLad’s: Getting to Know You
5/18/2021 c1 2Little-rogue229
- Well, hello, ThatOneAmateurWriter (I'll call you "TOAW" for short). I read your creation a few days ago, but I only got my hands on the keyboard now. So, let's get started.
It's been a long time since we've had a good fanfiction about school. There were a lot of them, but they are all long in the past. And it was even a little nice to know that this fan fiction is again about school, college, institute, and so on: Humphrey is always a nerd, who is poisoned by everyone, and Kate is a princess, clean and fluffy. However, the idea is not new, but the fact that you know how to write, properly design dialogues, paint the plot on a fairly large number of pages — that is, you have experience, and this pleases. I was surprised that the first chapter of the story fan fiction is written as much as 7,000 words, which for the average fan fiction on this fandom is quite a lot and rare. For that respect.
When I saw the "cap" of your fanfiction, I immediately went and read the first and second chapters of your original fanfiction (the first part), which, just the same, gave me full confidence to tell you that you did the right thing by rewriting the fanfiction, since there Kate was well too... Well, you know... I read this chapter with great pleasure.
Speaking about the content, I can immediately point out that the character of the characters (sorry, I'm from Russia, I write with the help of a translator) you definitely changed: Kate is no longer an aggressive bitch; Humphrey, it turns out, is not as scared as it happens; Much, what the hell, can easily shut up when someone says something wrong in his direction. I can already see the changes compared to the original, which gives you one plus in the piggy bank of changes.
At the beginning of the chapter, we are immediately introduced to the main character, his friends. They say that Humphrey is an outcast who doesn't know how to make friends — in short, the most standard school story, but there's nothing wrong with that, it's just standard.
Later we move on to the plot of the whole story, how Humphrey and Kate have to work together in order to get a good score for the project. And then I IMMEDIATELY saw the most important claim... probably to your whole story, but more on that later.
Humphrey, Kate, and the teacher get into a confrontation, and still become partners in the project, which they both don't like. In the course of the argument, it turns out that Kate hates men, and Humphrey... either shy, or very "cold" towards everyone. Here, in fact, is the whole plot of the first chapter. And then I had a few questions, as I did not understand a little:
1. Is Humphrey a shy nerd or just a distant guy who can beat anyone with his eloquence and advanced intelligence if he gets into an argument, as was the case with Kate?;
2. Is Kate a girl who hates men for a good reason, or is she just another bitch who screams her throat out for any reason? Mooch said that Kate was a pretty good girl, but she didn't treat Humphrey and the other guys well. Well: Are you SURE she hates guys?
3. In the canon, the character of Mooch is perfect... another: more ... stupid, or something. When Humphrey's friends were sitting with him in a cafe and Humphrey somehow "indirectly" called Mooch stupid, Mooch himself very cleverly closed his mouth and put him in his place. So in your fanfiction, Mooch is so smart that he can shut anyone's mouth with a single phrase?
These are three questions, and as you understand, my MAIN complaint to your chapter is this...
The main problem ("deeper"): in the canon, Humphrey was not so smart, rather funny and a little smart, but NOT SO MUCH; Kate in the original cartoon was quite smart, but in this fanfiction, she makes me feel... negative. I mean, I can't take her as a victim of male violence (oops, spoiler of all fan fiction), sorry for her, and I'm sure you made sure that the reader knew that both main characters have true and justified hate motives (damn, I'm off topic). Mooch also stood out because being a character who evokes feelings of affection, but not admiration for his intelligence, can easily show his mental abilities.
The main problem (explanation): why are Humphrey, Kate (and even Mooch) so "smart"? Their argument in class gave me reason to believe that both characters have advanced intelligence, as they speak correctly, intelligently, beautifully, correctly putting words in a sentence, using good terms, and also speaking as if they are arguing with each other in an empty classroom, and not in front of their classmates. Remind me, is Humphrey a shy, cold guy in fan fiction, or an advanced computer who can destroy everyone with his vocabulary as soon as he wants? And this story is not only about Humphrey, but also about Kate! Does this mean that Kate is not an aggressive sexist who can do whatever she wants just because she has a rich father and mother (we'll talk about that too)? I understand that she is the main character with justifiable motives for hatred, but either you, TOAW, showed the reader her like this... negative, or I just decided so because I didn't like something.
In general, if you do not understand, my claim: the characters should not talk so wittily, it spoils the impression of them. What's the point of me empathizing with Humphrey if he's doing so well?: even great book authors couldn't build sentences so professionally on the go. Also, why cause feelings on the part of Kate, if she is so good (she has money, almost everything)? Moreover, the male audience who read your fan fiction is unlikely to approve of Kate's hatred, and it's not that if you're a guy, then you will have a negative attitude towards someone who treats guys badly-no! The point is how Kate was shown, and the very scene where Kate gives Humphrey a rather strong mental and verbal selection, forces the reader to push away from Kate and go over to Humphrey's side. TOAW, do not turn ordinary characters into geniuses of thought. It's great that you have such a good language, and you pass it on to the characters, but the characters themselves do not go with such cues. When a character breaks down and begins to tear his opponent to shreds with facts and arguments, this is great, of course, but the way Humphrey and Kate argued already speaks to the development factor that Humphrey and Kate will have in future chapters. What is there to talk about when the Mooch himself easily shuts Humphrey's face with just one phrase, sitting at the table and eating his food?!
TOAW, I'm not expressing negativity, if that's what you're thinking. I like your chapter, I like your idea, I'm interested in your fan fiction and I'm looking forward to continuing with great pleasure. I just want to give you an extended review with tips to make your fan fiction better while it's just being revealed. I love helping people! I just want you to take note and not make any mistakes in the future. The idea of fan fiction is unique, and the implementation, in most cases, was not good for everyone. Maybe you can do it...
P. S. Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Sorry for the spoiler (guys from the future, this is just a joke!), but here's the denouement of the whole plot: either Kate hates guys because Garth fucked her and then left her, or she is constantly being picked on by anxious jocks who want to fuck her; Humphrey is so closed because he is constantly being bullied, and his parents died as a child; Kate hates Humphrey, because she adheres to the principle that the one who has a lot of friends is cooler, and Humphrey is the person who always keeps to solitude, because he prefers a small number, but a huge trust from REAL friends. That's why Kate hates him: he's too proper (in short, Kate is a typical bitch).
A small request: TOAW, I know that you are busy writing your fan fiction, but I need your little help, which you can provide me in PM, when you read the review and respond to it in PM. This is very important, it is connected with one of my fanfiction, as well as with the same fandom. I will be very happy if you do not pass by. Good luck :)
2Little-rogue229- Well, hello, ThatOneAmateurWriter (I'll call you "TOAW" for short). I read your creation a few days ago, but I only got my hands on the keyboard now. So, let's get started.
It's been a long time since we've had a good fanfiction about school. There were a lot of them, but they are all long in the past. And it was even a little nice to know that this fan fiction is again about school, college, institute, and so on: Humphrey is always a nerd, who is poisoned by everyone, and Kate is a princess, clean and fluffy. However, the idea is not new, but the fact that you know how to write, properly design dialogues, paint the plot on a fairly large number of pages — that is, you have experience, and this pleases. I was surprised that the first chapter of the story fan fiction is written as much as 7,000 words, which for the average fan fiction on this fandom is quite a lot and rare. For that respect.
When I saw the "cap" of your fanfiction, I immediately went and read the first and second chapters of your original fanfiction (the first part), which, just the same, gave me full confidence to tell you that you did the right thing by rewriting the fanfiction, since there Kate was well too... Well, you know... I read this chapter with great pleasure.
Speaking about the content, I can immediately point out that the character of the characters (sorry, I'm from Russia, I write with the help of a translator) you definitely changed: Kate is no longer an aggressive bitch; Humphrey, it turns out, is not as scared as it happens; Much, what the hell, can easily shut up when someone says something wrong in his direction. I can already see the changes compared to the original, which gives you one plus in the piggy bank of changes.
At the beginning of the chapter, we are immediately introduced to the main character, his friends. They say that Humphrey is an outcast who doesn't know how to make friends — in short, the most standard school story, but there's nothing wrong with that, it's just standard.
Later we move on to the plot of the whole story, how Humphrey and Kate have to work together in order to get a good score for the project. And then I IMMEDIATELY saw the most important claim... probably to your whole story, but more on that later.
Humphrey, Kate, and the teacher get into a confrontation, and still become partners in the project, which they both don't like. In the course of the argument, it turns out that Kate hates men, and Humphrey... either shy, or very "cold" towards everyone. Here, in fact, is the whole plot of the first chapter. And then I had a few questions, as I did not understand a little:
1. Is Humphrey a shy nerd or just a distant guy who can beat anyone with his eloquence and advanced intelligence if he gets into an argument, as was the case with Kate?;
2. Is Kate a girl who hates men for a good reason, or is she just another bitch who screams her throat out for any reason? Mooch said that Kate was a pretty good girl, but she didn't treat Humphrey and the other guys well. Well: Are you SURE she hates guys?
3. In the canon, the character of Mooch is perfect... another: more ... stupid, or something. When Humphrey's friends were sitting with him in a cafe and Humphrey somehow "indirectly" called Mooch stupid, Mooch himself very cleverly closed his mouth and put him in his place. So in your fanfiction, Mooch is so smart that he can shut anyone's mouth with a single phrase?
These are three questions, and as you understand, my MAIN complaint to your chapter is this...
The main problem ("deeper"): in the canon, Humphrey was not so smart, rather funny and a little smart, but NOT SO MUCH; Kate in the original cartoon was quite smart, but in this fanfiction, she makes me feel... negative. I mean, I can't take her as a victim of male violence (oops, spoiler of all fan fiction), sorry for her, and I'm sure you made sure that the reader knew that both main characters have true and justified hate motives (damn, I'm off topic). Mooch also stood out because being a character who evokes feelings of affection, but not admiration for his intelligence, can easily show his mental abilities.
The main problem (explanation): why are Humphrey, Kate (and even Mooch) so "smart"? Their argument in class gave me reason to believe that both characters have advanced intelligence, as they speak correctly, intelligently, beautifully, correctly putting words in a sentence, using good terms, and also speaking as if they are arguing with each other in an empty classroom, and not in front of their classmates. Remind me, is Humphrey a shy, cold guy in fan fiction, or an advanced computer who can destroy everyone with his vocabulary as soon as he wants? And this story is not only about Humphrey, but also about Kate! Does this mean that Kate is not an aggressive sexist who can do whatever she wants just because she has a rich father and mother (we'll talk about that too)? I understand that she is the main character with justifiable motives for hatred, but either you, TOAW, showed the reader her like this... negative, or I just decided so because I didn't like something.
In general, if you do not understand, my claim: the characters should not talk so wittily, it spoils the impression of them. What's the point of me empathizing with Humphrey if he's doing so well?: even great book authors couldn't build sentences so professionally on the go. Also, why cause feelings on the part of Kate, if she is so good (she has money, almost everything)? Moreover, the male audience who read your fan fiction is unlikely to approve of Kate's hatred, and it's not that if you're a guy, then you will have a negative attitude towards someone who treats guys badly-no! The point is how Kate was shown, and the very scene where Kate gives Humphrey a rather strong mental and verbal selection, forces the reader to push away from Kate and go over to Humphrey's side. TOAW, do not turn ordinary characters into geniuses of thought. It's great that you have such a good language, and you pass it on to the characters, but the characters themselves do not go with such cues. When a character breaks down and begins to tear his opponent to shreds with facts and arguments, this is great, of course, but the way Humphrey and Kate argued already speaks to the development factor that Humphrey and Kate will have in future chapters. What is there to talk about when the Mooch himself easily shuts Humphrey's face with just one phrase, sitting at the table and eating his food?!
TOAW, I'm not expressing negativity, if that's what you're thinking. I like your chapter, I like your idea, I'm interested in your fan fiction and I'm looking forward to continuing with great pleasure. I just want to give you an extended review with tips to make your fan fiction better while it's just being revealed. I love helping people! I just want you to take note and not make any mistakes in the future. The idea of fan fiction is unique, and the implementation, in most cases, was not good for everyone. Maybe you can do it...
P. S. Oh, yes, I almost forgot. Sorry for the spoiler (guys from the future, this is just a joke!), but here's the denouement of the whole plot: either Kate hates guys because Garth fucked her and then left her, or she is constantly being picked on by anxious jocks who want to fuck her; Humphrey is so closed because he is constantly being bullied, and his parents died as a child; Kate hates Humphrey, because she adheres to the principle that the one who has a lot of friends is cooler, and Humphrey is the person who always keeps to solitude, because he prefers a small number, but a huge trust from REAL friends. That's why Kate hates him: he's too proper (in short, Kate is a typical bitch).
A small request: TOAW, I know that you are busy writing your fan fiction, but I need your little help, which you can provide me in PM, when you read the review and respond to it in PM. This is very important, it is connected with one of my fanfiction, as well as with the same fandom. I will be very happy if you do not pass by. Good luck :)
5/14/2021 c1 22TheRavenMocker
Interessssting...
Something that I look forward reading...if...you continue to have motivation.
22TheRavenMockerInteressssting...
Something that I look forward reading...if...you continue to have motivation.