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4/20/2020 c1 22Alyson Metallium
I have absolutely no idea who these characters are, but the derby was quite exciting!
9/20/2003 c1 18A. Amishi
Okay, I made a commitment to myself to always try to be constructive in my comments about other peoples fanfiction, but Jason, you make this very difficult.

Where do I start?

Okay, first off, unless you care to get in serious trouble, ALWAYS include a Disclaimer, giving credit where credit is do. Acknowledge the production companies that own the anime you are writing about. This is a must and always a safe and wise thing to do.

Second, Write a detailed description that lists the anime shows you are using in your story and outlines the general plot of the story. Based on the little two line blurb you have describing this story on the listing page, I have absolutely no idea who any of the characters in this fic are. You are making the assumption that the reader has some level of familiarity with these characters but without a detailed description, who can we.

Third, Good God man! Get a dictionary and use it. I only read the first 2 or 3 pages of this fic as came across so many spelling error not to mention grammar error that it totally took away from any possible enjoyment I might have had reading the story. You had more error in your first paragraph then I did in the entire latest chapter of my Escaflowne story. That is bad. Show your readers you care about them by taking the time to correct your errors. If you lack the verbalization skills to do that, find yourself a pre-reader or take an English Grammar class at your local JC.

Fourth, The narrative should be in the past tense, not the present tense. Dialogue can be in the present tense but narrative should almost always be in the past tense. If you are going to use present tense narrative, be consistent and use it everywhere. There is nothing more confusing then a story that bounces back and forth from present to past to present to past tenses. It's enough to make a reader dizzy.

Try and improve on these things and maybe next time I won't give up on the story.

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