for I will Survive!7/26/2021 c10 Heather
What the hell is this fic about?
What the hell is this fic about?
7/25/2021 c1 guest
please change the chapter. Rob: you dont get a system. Soul: but i want a system. rob: okay. Thats basically your chapter. Why would a rob change his/her mind with basically no persuasion on the part of the soul? So just take away the limitation of having no system. When the soul wishes for the system the rob can just limit the capabilities of the system. Or u can make another wish that is more helpful than a system without violating the rules u made. I really dont like that u made rules and immediately break them because u couldnt think of a wish thats fitting to the rules.
please change the chapter. Rob: you dont get a system. Soul: but i want a system. rob: okay. Thats basically your chapter. Why would a rob change his/her mind with basically no persuasion on the part of the soul? So just take away the limitation of having no system. When the soul wishes for the system the rob can just limit the capabilities of the system. Or u can make another wish that is more helpful than a system without violating the rules u made. I really dont like that u made rules and immediately break them because u couldnt think of a wish thats fitting to the rules.
7/25/2021 c3 shinigami00000
a lot of problems in this. isn't it suspicious that when the prince went to oldtown then the archmaesters started dying one by one. also didn't they suspect anyone when two grandmeasters turned up dead one after the other. also don't the people see him killing and then take it as just another type of madness that a targaryen possess
a lot of problems in this. isn't it suspicious that when the prince went to oldtown then the archmaesters started dying one by one. also didn't they suspect anyone when two grandmeasters turned up dead one after the other. also don't the people see him killing and then take it as just another type of madness that a targaryen possess
7/25/2021 c6 suckstobeacritic
I like the concept but I hate only reading about him supposedly having learned shit.
His power hoard without using it is kinda boring...
And what about his hatched dragon? You completely forgot about it after a single paragraph and had him go to old town with no mention ever since.
Add to. It. That Potterverse magic is op as fuck in its versatility and it makes all the westerosi magic powerhoarding absolutely pointless..
I like the concept but I hate only reading about him supposedly having learned shit.
His power hoard without using it is kinda boring...
And what about his hatched dragon? You completely forgot about it after a single paragraph and had him go to old town with no mention ever since.
Add to. It. That Potterverse magic is op as fuck in its versatility and it makes all the westerosi magic powerhoarding absolutely pointless..
7/18/2021 c10 
1The-Grave-Walker
Shit, didn't mean to post yet, wasn't finished.
Also on what mistakes he could have made in making the wrong predictions as humans are naturally illogical.
Otherwise the his time spent in the Harry Potter universe is now finished up and am left wondering a few things.
Will our prince come back to westros as an adult just before he left 10 years ago? Or will he arive to westros as an adult with a noticable ten years of absence.
Anyhow, best of luck to ya!
-Grave Walker
1The-Grave-WalkerShit, didn't mean to post yet, wasn't finished.
Also on what mistakes he could have made in making the wrong predictions as humans are naturally illogical.
Otherwise the his time spent in the Harry Potter universe is now finished up and am left wondering a few things.
Will our prince come back to westros as an adult just before he left 10 years ago? Or will he arive to westros as an adult with a noticable ten years of absence.
Anyhow, best of luck to ya!
-Grave Walker
7/18/2021 c10 The-Grave-Walker
After reading through all of this, I can say that the good in this story is that it has it's concepts, ideas/lore, and direction well set. Even for the better less common self insert "potentially powerful" MC stories out there.
And before I give my thoughts this story's glaring problems, know that
Besides the walls of texts (Break it up into actual paragraphs) and incorrect spaces when characters talk.
Here is a made up example
" I like applesWrong
"I like applesCorrect
Another problem consistently seen throughout the story is the unnecessary Capitalized letters on words.
Another made up horrible and bad example.
"together HArry Potter and i Walked through the Chamber Of Secrets with our Wands in hand it was scary"
1: The first letter in a sentence must be capitalized.
2: Only the first letters in names and titles need to be capitalized unless emphasizing bold or loud text.
3: The letter "I" must be capitalized if used alone.
4: Words that are NOT names, titles, places, don't need to have the first letter capitalized unless it is the very beginning of a sentence.
5: The "Chamber Of Secrets" does not need the letter "O" in "of" capitalized in the name.
6: In the part "with our Wands in hand", Wands should not be capitalized. A wands is a general descripted name of a certain object, a wand. It is not a unique name like Staff of Merlin or any other wizard's wand. So no need to CAP the first letter.
7: Last correction in this made up example is that there is no Period or known as "." at the end of the sentence. Along with wall high paragraphs, you have a few run on sentences in the beginning chapters. Here is a general tip to figure out if it is a run on sentences.
Read the sentence out loud. If you can't speak the entire sentence from the beginning to end in one breath, it is a run on sentence.
Also don't overdue a sentence by adding over half a dozen commas (,) into one sentence. try to limit yourself to 2 commas at most.
And here is the CORRECT sentence as it should be.
"Together Harry Potter and I walked through the Chamber of Secrets with our wands in hand. It was scary."
If you read to this point so far, know that I'm not here to hate or demand change.
To be completely honest I rarely comment on this site and I liked this story enough to give some friendly pointers. (Mainly because I hope you can improve.)
And before I leave my biggest gripe I could have about this story is not what I mentioned above. It is the fact that the entire story revolves around the MC and ONLY his perspective.
With the events between age 5 to 10 years could have been over 20 chapters long. These chapters could have showed the subtle build up and beginnings of his power. Then as he grows and gains influence, the consequences of his actions will become noticable to those adapt at the game.
Through each chapter, perspectives of those playing the game will eventually realize that there is a new player to their game of thrones. And it is not weather they know who is responsible, but rather as they try to figure out these boons/problems that appear and how they interact with the young prince.
Now that I think about it, the entire length of this story could be just about his first years of grabbing power. and practically stealing the kingdoms blind would be very interesting if given more depth on his actions he learned.
After reading through all of this, I can say that the good in this story is that it has it's concepts, ideas/lore, and direction well set. Even for the better less common self insert "potentially powerful" MC stories out there.
And before I give my thoughts this story's glaring problems, know that
Besides the walls of texts (Break it up into actual paragraphs) and incorrect spaces when characters talk.
Here is a made up example
" I like applesWrong
"I like applesCorrect
Another problem consistently seen throughout the story is the unnecessary Capitalized letters on words.
Another made up horrible and bad example.
"together HArry Potter and i Walked through the Chamber Of Secrets with our Wands in hand it was scary"
1: The first letter in a sentence must be capitalized.
2: Only the first letters in names and titles need to be capitalized unless emphasizing bold or loud text.
3: The letter "I" must be capitalized if used alone.
4: Words that are NOT names, titles, places, don't need to have the first letter capitalized unless it is the very beginning of a sentence.
5: The "Chamber Of Secrets" does not need the letter "O" in "of" capitalized in the name.
6: In the part "with our Wands in hand", Wands should not be capitalized. A wands is a general descripted name of a certain object, a wand. It is not a unique name like Staff of Merlin or any other wizard's wand. So no need to CAP the first letter.
7: Last correction in this made up example is that there is no Period or known as "." at the end of the sentence. Along with wall high paragraphs, you have a few run on sentences in the beginning chapters. Here is a general tip to figure out if it is a run on sentences.
Read the sentence out loud. If you can't speak the entire sentence from the beginning to end in one breath, it is a run on sentence.
Also don't overdue a sentence by adding over half a dozen commas (,) into one sentence. try to limit yourself to 2 commas at most.
And here is the CORRECT sentence as it should be.
"Together Harry Potter and I walked through the Chamber of Secrets with our wands in hand. It was scary."
If you read to this point so far, know that I'm not here to hate or demand change.
To be completely honest I rarely comment on this site and I liked this story enough to give some friendly pointers. (Mainly because I hope you can improve.)
And before I leave my biggest gripe I could have about this story is not what I mentioned above. It is the fact that the entire story revolves around the MC and ONLY his perspective.
With the events between age 5 to 10 years could have been over 20 chapters long. These chapters could have showed the subtle build up and beginnings of his power. Then as he grows and gains influence, the consequences of his actions will become noticable to those adapt at the game.
Through each chapter, perspectives of those playing the game will eventually realize that there is a new player to their game of thrones. And it is not weather they know who is responsible, but rather as they try to figure out these boons/problems that appear and how they interact with the young prince.
Now that I think about it, the entire length of this story could be just about his first years of grabbing power. and practically stealing the kingdoms blind would be very interesting if given more depth on his actions he learned.
7/14/2021 c4 123dal
The entire story is a shit brick mansion, the concept is fine but everything else is shit. Everyone the mc didnt like from the beginning is a traitor and every problem that has ever faced his family, current and past is someone elses fault, never mind the why and how people conspire agains the Targaryens and anyone else the mc likes, they just do so dont question it. Next is the story structure, Mc has only said 1 sentence in the first 4 chapters and everything else have just been brushed over and skimmed. And lastly is the idiocy of everyone that isnt the mc, if Maesters starts getting killed and shit starts to get stolen coincidentally at the same time the mc, who definitely would be considered a demon by now, is nearby then he is proberbly the one who did it.
The entire story is a shit brick mansion, the concept is fine but everything else is shit. Everyone the mc didnt like from the beginning is a traitor and every problem that has ever faced his family, current and past is someone elses fault, never mind the why and how people conspire agains the Targaryens and anyone else the mc likes, they just do so dont question it. Next is the story structure, Mc has only said 1 sentence in the first 4 chapters and everything else have just been brushed over and skimmed. And lastly is the idiocy of everyone that isnt the mc, if Maesters starts getting killed and shit starts to get stolen coincidentally at the same time the mc, who definitely would be considered a demon by now, is nearby then he is proberbly the one who did it.
7/14/2021 c9 Hadrian.Caeser
Even though it's not the easiest reading material, ther is a lot of creativity and motivation in this story
Even though it's not the easiest reading material, ther is a lot of creativity and motivation in this story
7/5/2021 c5 Little Liar
It could be better.
It could be better.
7/4/2021 c4 piddle
thanks for taking the time to write this.
thanks for taking the time to write this.
7/4/2021 c1 Tata
Urgh write a sentence properly before you write a novel.
Urgh write a sentence properly before you write a novel.