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7/25 c1 2Dusken Willow
I must say, this story possesses an interesting plot and I was hooked by the end of the chapter.
As for critiques, it has a rough start. For the first thousandish words, it was almost completely run-on sentences. You did somewhat fix this later on. However, there were still many instances further in the chapter.
Next is the POV switching. While yes it focuses onto other characters, it is still in 3rd person. If you plan to keep it to being entirely in 3rd person, might I suggest line breaks instead.
Finally, the lemon. Relatively calm, but a nice start. I would suggest that you put something to say “the lemon ends here” if you feel the need to warn the audience that a lemon is about to start. This way, those who don’t wish to read the lemon won’t just skip the rest of the chapter.
Good work for a first Fanfic and I look forward to see what you do.
7/24 c1 Guest
great start.
7/24 c1 Look2021
Good Start.

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