for Our Past Together4/1 c1 Guest
This was really good. Congratulations!
This was really good. Congratulations!
9/29/2021 c1 Geosphere
I love this! Good intro that sets up K18's relationship progress and then you slow build to the main story. All of the scenarios are great picks and you even avoided scenes that can cause the main casts negative emotions such as cell absorbing 18 and Krillin's reaction afterwards. All of the elements included here built up to a very heart warming ending and a growing understanding between these two!
I love this! Good intro that sets up K18's relationship progress and then you slow build to the main story. All of the scenarios are great picks and you even avoided scenes that can cause the main casts negative emotions such as cell absorbing 18 and Krillin's reaction afterwards. All of the elements included here built up to a very heart warming ending and a growing understanding between these two!
9/24/2021 c1 
19PurplePencilWriter
"I'm Yajirobe by the way, thanks for the introduction Korin. Funny.
haven't read much 18 and Krillin stories but this is probably really unique concept wonder how you came up with it.
19PurplePencilWriter"I'm Yajirobe by the way, thanks for the introduction Korin. Funny.
haven't read much 18 and Krillin stories but this is probably really unique concept wonder how you came up with it.
9/21/2021 c1 5AutumnKL
A very well written story that's quite different than others you've written. Despite of this being a one shot, the quality is on par with your longer pieces and I can actually see this expanded further in the future.
This neat short piece is different because of the amount of care you spent to set up the intro, with you giving us a lot of detail regarding the two main characters in this story which is a nice way to set the tone and let us know this will be quite different than the action-packed stories you've published so far.
I really enjoyed how you spent the time to describe K18's cute reaction to one another and while the 18 in this story hasn't completely open herself up to Krillin yet, it's very clear she's very comfortable around him and has learned how to deal with others such as Korin and Yajirobe in a friendly manner even if the cat diety proved that he can read other's mind, which 18 found kind of intrusive. I also love that Krillin enjoys making 18 blush and seeing her cute side, and that 18 isn't opposed to showing a softer side of her infront of Krillin. So very good characterization at the beginning that really tells us where they are in their lives.
I also love the way yous set up the premise of the story through a slow build that gradually led us from the pair seeing their future to their present and finally to their past. You actually managed to keep me on the edge of my seat when I read they are seeing their future selves and I wondered what would happen if they see little Marron. I'm very slightly disappointed they didn't see their daughter, as that would make for a very priceless scene but at the same time some very unnecessary drama that takes away the focus of this story so good job not spoiling us with that.
You've also added some humor in this story by letting 17 hear what K18 was talking about, and it's a very good way to show they are indeed seeing 17 in the present and that 18 cares a lot about her brother. Way to branch out to other characters and give them a bit of description without going overboard once again.
Now onto the main part, which is K18's past. It's another slow build of it's own this time in that 18 first saw herself right before she's about to run off with 17 at the orphange before they were transported into a different world. It's also a good way to reveal their names at this point before going deeper into 18's past, so as to get the name reveal done and prevent unnecessary drama in the later parts, not to mention allow 18 to process her thoughts and give the reveal the weight it deserves. The rapid flashbacks with 17 and 18 stealing stuff is done pretty well too, and for a one-shot definitely enough. The final part with Gero tricking them into the van is very emotional too. Well done.
Then just as I thought the story is done you showed us Krillin's past and by doing so, gave 18 the chance to return Krillin looking out for her when she's seeing her past by comforting him while he's emotionally down. Once again good job in establishing the similarity in how these two help out each other. What really got me emotional is seeing the highway kiss once again and then later the remote and Krillin protecting 18 when she got spit out. That goodbye scene at Kami's lookout was a priceless way to end the flashbacks.
Of course the ending with two kisses is a very romantic way to end this story and Korin's thoughts regarding the couple a nice touch too. In a way, it showed some people have already accepted 18 into their ranks.
Another thing worth noting is you took turns showing us the inner thoughts of K18. At first, you only showed Krillin's thoughts until we got to the flashback, which then focused solely on 18's thoughts. While a more natural approach would be for Krillin to remark on 18's past and then having 18 to think about Krillin's thought, since Dragon Ball already focused a lot on Krillin, it's a good way to focus entirely on 18 as she saw both her own past and Krillin's past. You did show how Krillin reacted physically to the scene too which is enough focus I feel.
Overall a very well written and detailed one shot that's very different than what you usually wrote but at the same time a refreshing change. It's got very good romantic elements in it while showing us enough of their past to give this piece a central theme. If I were to make a small criticism, it would be 18's reaction to Krillin dying was too brief and I was expecting there to more of an outburst seeing Krillin getting killed twice. This being said very well done! The scenes included are all very powerful while the ones leftout are either too traumatic or not necessary.
5AutumnKLA very well written story that's quite different than others you've written. Despite of this being a one shot, the quality is on par with your longer pieces and I can actually see this expanded further in the future.
This neat short piece is different because of the amount of care you spent to set up the intro, with you giving us a lot of detail regarding the two main characters in this story which is a nice way to set the tone and let us know this will be quite different than the action-packed stories you've published so far.
I really enjoyed how you spent the time to describe K18's cute reaction to one another and while the 18 in this story hasn't completely open herself up to Krillin yet, it's very clear she's very comfortable around him and has learned how to deal with others such as Korin and Yajirobe in a friendly manner even if the cat diety proved that he can read other's mind, which 18 found kind of intrusive. I also love that Krillin enjoys making 18 blush and seeing her cute side, and that 18 isn't opposed to showing a softer side of her infront of Krillin. So very good characterization at the beginning that really tells us where they are in their lives.
I also love the way yous set up the premise of the story through a slow build that gradually led us from the pair seeing their future to their present and finally to their past. You actually managed to keep me on the edge of my seat when I read they are seeing their future selves and I wondered what would happen if they see little Marron. I'm very slightly disappointed they didn't see their daughter, as that would make for a very priceless scene but at the same time some very unnecessary drama that takes away the focus of this story so good job not spoiling us with that.
You've also added some humor in this story by letting 17 hear what K18 was talking about, and it's a very good way to show they are indeed seeing 17 in the present and that 18 cares a lot about her brother. Way to branch out to other characters and give them a bit of description without going overboard once again.
Now onto the main part, which is K18's past. It's another slow build of it's own this time in that 18 first saw herself right before she's about to run off with 17 at the orphange before they were transported into a different world. It's also a good way to reveal their names at this point before going deeper into 18's past, so as to get the name reveal done and prevent unnecessary drama in the later parts, not to mention allow 18 to process her thoughts and give the reveal the weight it deserves. The rapid flashbacks with 17 and 18 stealing stuff is done pretty well too, and for a one-shot definitely enough. The final part with Gero tricking them into the van is very emotional too. Well done.
Then just as I thought the story is done you showed us Krillin's past and by doing so, gave 18 the chance to return Krillin looking out for her when she's seeing her past by comforting him while he's emotionally down. Once again good job in establishing the similarity in how these two help out each other. What really got me emotional is seeing the highway kiss once again and then later the remote and Krillin protecting 18 when she got spit out. That goodbye scene at Kami's lookout was a priceless way to end the flashbacks.
Of course the ending with two kisses is a very romantic way to end this story and Korin's thoughts regarding the couple a nice touch too. In a way, it showed some people have already accepted 18 into their ranks.
Another thing worth noting is you took turns showing us the inner thoughts of K18. At first, you only showed Krillin's thoughts until we got to the flashback, which then focused solely on 18's thoughts. While a more natural approach would be for Krillin to remark on 18's past and then having 18 to think about Krillin's thought, since Dragon Ball already focused a lot on Krillin, it's a good way to focus entirely on 18 as she saw both her own past and Krillin's past. You did show how Krillin reacted physically to the scene too which is enough focus I feel.
Overall a very well written and detailed one shot that's very different than what you usually wrote but at the same time a refreshing change. It's got very good romantic elements in it while showing us enough of their past to give this piece a central theme. If I were to make a small criticism, it would be 18's reaction to Krillin dying was too brief and I was expecting there to more of an outburst seeing Krillin getting killed twice. This being said very well done! The scenes included are all very powerful while the ones leftout are either too traumatic or not necessary.