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for My Protector

2/19/2022 c1 3OrangeMacawWorld
Having just finished reading this latest short story of yours, there is simply and truthfully not all that much that I can say, and a smaller amount still for me to critique. While I enjoyed nearly everything throughout "My Protector," its strongest elements are its excellence in capturing the characters' subjective perceptions of the surrounding world and its ability to quickly, yet effectively deliver strong emotions to the viewer as the events precipitating these emotions occur.

In these two areas in particular, I believe that your talent as a writer easily surpasses my own, and it would be wholly dishonest for me to claim that I will not incorporate what I have learned from your techniques within said areas into my own writing style. This especially applies to the opening in which we are given a clear and intimate picture of Blu's personal experience with arising from the hollow, and also to the ending conversation between Blu and Jewel and the narration surrounding it.

On that note, the narrative exposition is richly detailed yet properly balanced and paced (as expected), and the dialogue is of similar excellence, in spite of its formalities that sometimes stretch beyond the vocabulary used by Blu and Jewel in the official canon. Recalling one of my critiques of "Remnants," I appreciate the fact that you clarified the origins of the Testament, and the use of religious language in reference to it, while a small detail, certainly helps reinforce the solemn and subtly reverent tone set by the narrative and by Blu and Jewel's relationship as husband and wife.

As mentioned before, there is very little for me to complain about in "My Protector." The greatest error that I noticed amounts to a simple mistake in geography, specifically your reference to Tijuca Mountain. I say this because Tijuca is not a mountain, but an entire massif in the Municipality of Rio de Janeiro that is concentrated into Tijuca National Park.

The exact mountain within the Tijuca Massif where Blu and Jewel reside is unclear in the official canon, but it is most likely in the vicinity of Corcovado (as Blu and Jewel are seen flying towards Rodrigo de Freitas at the end of the second rendition of "Real in Rio," and unlike the junior novel, Blu's birthplace in the film is not linked to the tree that Jewel suggests sleeping in after their escape from Favela Rocinha.)

Outside of this mistake that immediately stood out to me, the paragraph containing said error when viewed as a whole seems indecisive in whether its narrative is to be given in the past, present, or future tense, and in large part is written in a second-person POV format. To say the least, it was an odd experience reading this particular paragraph in the story, and even more odd still is that there exists no other paragraph in the story so flawed.

Fortunately, I was able to move on and forget about this paragraph, as again, it represents just one in the story and contains nothing particularly egregious. As I have said before, the rest of this story was magnificent, and I most certainly look forward to reading "A Diamond in the Rough," after which I hope to be much more punctual in posting a review.
2/14/2022 c1 monsterjamvadim
BRUH you seriously need to learn how paragraphs work GEEZ
2/11/2022 c1 Invitado
Escribes muy bien
2/8/2022 c1 Dari the good Macaw
Bien amigo, hora de comentar

La verdad es que... este Fic... es una maravilla

Es una trama increíblemente simple, pero tan jodidamente profunda que incluso me dejó pensando acerca de mi propia vida, ha sido un honor utilizar mi valioso tiempo para dedicarlo a algo tan asombroso como lo que has creado, los hechos, los relatos, lo bien que está ambientado el escenario, los diálogos y la originalidad de "El Testamento" hace que este mini one-shot por así decirlo quede en lo profundo de mi corazón, sin duda es admirable la bella forma en la que a describiste las emociones de los personajes a través de simples pero profundas palabras, revelando así sentimientos aún más adentro de Blu y Perla \Jewel, este one-shot pasará a uno de los mejores que he leído, si me preguntas si necesita segunda parte te diré que no, está más perfecto, obviamente esta historia la agregaré como una de mis favoritas

Att: se despide con un admirable abrazo, tu amigo virtual Dari the good Macaw

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