for What Could've Been6/10 c1 elizabethtyler937
This was a fantastic read I was hooked from start to finish! The world you built felt so immersive, and the way the story unfolded kept me fully engaged . I’d love to hear more about what inspired some of your creative choices. Were there any particular scenes or characters that were especially meaningful to you while writing?
Any behind the scenes insights or fun details would be amazing to hear. Overall, this piece stands strong on its own, and I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed it. I’m really looking forward to seeing more of your work in the future!
This was a fantastic read I was hooked from start to finish! The world you built felt so immersive, and the way the story unfolded kept me fully engaged . I’d love to hear more about what inspired some of your creative choices. Were there any particular scenes or characters that were especially meaningful to you while writing?
Any behind the scenes insights or fun details would be amazing to hear. Overall, this piece stands strong on its own, and I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed it. I’m really looking forward to seeing more of your work in the future!
5/6 c1 Ethanv4z9
Someone on Reddit mentioned Storio (storioai dot com)—finally tried it. The AI writing assistant speeds up drafting significantly. I’m testing it with some of my older stories right now.
Someone on Reddit mentioned Storio (storioai dot com)—finally tried it. The AI writing assistant speeds up drafting significantly. I’m testing it with some of my older stories right now.
2/15 c16 
1sourcandygaga
Oh wow I love this chapter. The existential crisis future 18 faces while watching Krillin and 18 makes sense. Obviously future 18 and 17 still have a little bit of themselves since they wanted 18 to hurt krillin lol but i feel that’s more because of jealousy imo than anything about krillin himself. I can’t wait for the next chapter
1sourcandygagaOh wow I love this chapter. The existential crisis future 18 faces while watching Krillin and 18 makes sense. Obviously future 18 and 17 still have a little bit of themselves since they wanted 18 to hurt krillin lol but i feel that’s more because of jealousy imo than anything about krillin himself. I can’t wait for the next chapter
2/13 c16 7Literal Winter
Good to see you back with another chapter man! Has it really been two years since the last one? It doesn’t seem like that long ago honestly.
Great chapter anyways! I really like that you took a different approach to this rather than just rewriting the date from LDC. The writing for this one I think stood out as much more natural and engaging in the way you portrayed Krillin and 18. There definitely feels like a more human connection here between the two, which I think indicates your enhanced skills as a writer, so good job!
It was pretty funny to see Future 18 acting like a cheerleader for her other self. It definitely feels like a way of coping with her own failings and perhaps indicates her evil personality falling more to the wayside, opening things up for further development.
The linking in of the jacket that Future 18 got blood over was a really neat addition, it really ties things together for the two different versions of 18, making for a easy way of creating perspective, essentially saying, "you could of had this". Having the reveal of Krillin watching the other timeline's events is another interesting plot point that is sure to set up things for later. It's also cool to see the others fighters supporting him.
No worries about the motivation and lack of writing! I know that feeling all too well so I can definitely sympathize there! The main thing is that you've got a chapter out, and us readers are all the more happier for it!
Thanks for all of your dedication and work you've done to make this story, it is most certainly appreciated!
7Literal WinterGood to see you back with another chapter man! Has it really been two years since the last one? It doesn’t seem like that long ago honestly.
Great chapter anyways! I really like that you took a different approach to this rather than just rewriting the date from LDC. The writing for this one I think stood out as much more natural and engaging in the way you portrayed Krillin and 18. There definitely feels like a more human connection here between the two, which I think indicates your enhanced skills as a writer, so good job!
It was pretty funny to see Future 18 acting like a cheerleader for her other self. It definitely feels like a way of coping with her own failings and perhaps indicates her evil personality falling more to the wayside, opening things up for further development.
The linking in of the jacket that Future 18 got blood over was a really neat addition, it really ties things together for the two different versions of 18, making for a easy way of creating perspective, essentially saying, "you could of had this". Having the reveal of Krillin watching the other timeline's events is another interesting plot point that is sure to set up things for later. It's also cool to see the others fighters supporting him.
No worries about the motivation and lack of writing! I know that feeling all too well so I can definitely sympathize there! The main thing is that you've got a chapter out, and us readers are all the more happier for it!
Thanks for all of your dedication and work you've done to make this story, it is most certainly appreciated!
6/21/2023 c15 3SuperSimpleStuff
My friend!
Thia chapter encompassed so many important moments and even referenced other beloved works of yours.
With the acknowledgment of the importance of Krillin in F18's soul (rejection or not) and in P18's life, it's like the story reached a turn.
Krillin is there and he's an agent of change, in ways vastly different between the two timelines. Thanks to him things are pivoting, but it's still up to the twins to figure it all out.
I loved the circular structure of the chapter, how you didn't forget about anything and how you found a place for many key moments. It's hard to develop such chapters because they're dense and long.
However it didn't feel "long" to me as a reader, every scene had a purpose.
You're great at creating a balanced response from your readers toward the FTwins.
Of course I sighed for F18 and her rejection (her rage, her pain, her seeing her reflection and brutally being confronted with her identity as murderess, plastered right on her face. It scared Krillin and that she didn't even knew she was doing it).
I sighed at F17's frustration, too, as he feels the pain of the only being he's ever loved (yet. As a cyborg) and his urge to act on it and solve it, but he can't.
In spite of this, I can't help thinking their retribution is just.
I love how you made it apparent they still have a long way to go toward regaining their humanity.
I also found this "setback" very realistic: how many times real people think they overcame and obstacle, only to be faced straight away with another wall?
All I could honestly think was "c'est la vie", and I'd say this otherworldly ordeal the FTwins are experiencing is pretty...human.
And on this note, I love how late in the chapter F18 muses on the sentiments of envy and empathy being both extremely human. This abitily of reflection is, too.
King Kai is patient and laid-back
I never feel sadism from him, even when he painfully had to restrain F17.
If Krillin represents change, he stands for order.
His stating they don't need to lose out of sight their goal to integrate human sentiments, and of the hurdles they still have to jump to get there, felt necessary.
It felt like he's coaching them back into focus when their emotions dominate them. And there's somw subtle irony at their completely inhuman murderous instinct showing, again, because of sucha human thing as emotions.
Krillin is always tactful. Even in his rejection.
He doesn't "syphon plasure out of pain" (I loved this image) and his meditation image feels like he needs to reset after so much negativity. Because it's not in his nature even if he doesn't shy away from a fight.
Balancing the harrowing rejection scene, we have Garnet and Jade. I enjoyed their moments with PTwins, vibrant and full of warmth, even if you're describing a robbery I guess there's honour among these thieves.
All the physical touch going on here drives home how safe PTwins are and are perceived compared to the Future counterparts.
A small critique now! I found the epithets you used to describe Jade and Garnet a bit over-used at times. Even if I understand it's fun to use them and you wanted to avoid repeating the names, it felt like they made some sentences a bit clunky.
Maybe it's just my impression!
Then we have some lovely "bts of LDC": the laborious prepararions for P18 and Krillin's first date, the twins' and the siblings' thoughts on calling Krillin on the phone (it makes one say "aahhh, that'swhy they exchanged letters!"), all mentioned from a different angle: I was happy to reread it but it also felt fresh
You know that I loved big sis really wanting (and valuing) lil bro'a opinion, demanding more effort from him? And that I was also thinking "maybe she's too blue"? (Great minds think alike: you, my man 17, me)
Krillin is simply THE MAN. Respectful and devoted above anyrhing else.
If all mob bosses werw Krillin!
The tenderness of the budding K18 love was a beautiful way to finish the scene.
I mentioned before how difficult a chapter this abundant can be tricky and even if everything is in place (you mentioned all the inneworkings: plot, characterisation, interactions) I feel like some parts can use a bit more showing and less telling.
For example, in some passages of the rejection and Jade-Garnet scenes I felt like you could have pushed the vividness of their emotions further instead of stating them.
Maybe I'm in no position to say this, as you were the one who helped me improve my show/tell and nailing it is still beyond me sometimes. I can't help feeling you can (you have the skill and the love for the characters) take the impressive work you already did to the next level.
With time and patience and your own inspiration.
I know this because I know how strong I felt with your previous chapters.
And you did it here too, just more in bits than all along (images like F18's "mountainous regret": it's stunning. It's so vivid and immediate)
I hope my review and opinions made sense and can be useful to you!
I took the time to read the chapter more than once and it was time well spent.
Thank you for the chapter!
SSS
3SuperSimpleStuffMy friend!
Thia chapter encompassed so many important moments and even referenced other beloved works of yours.
With the acknowledgment of the importance of Krillin in F18's soul (rejection or not) and in P18's life, it's like the story reached a turn.
Krillin is there and he's an agent of change, in ways vastly different between the two timelines. Thanks to him things are pivoting, but it's still up to the twins to figure it all out.
I loved the circular structure of the chapter, how you didn't forget about anything and how you found a place for many key moments. It's hard to develop such chapters because they're dense and long.
However it didn't feel "long" to me as a reader, every scene had a purpose.
You're great at creating a balanced response from your readers toward the FTwins.
Of course I sighed for F18 and her rejection (her rage, her pain, her seeing her reflection and brutally being confronted with her identity as murderess, plastered right on her face. It scared Krillin and that she didn't even knew she was doing it).
I sighed at F17's frustration, too, as he feels the pain of the only being he's ever loved (yet. As a cyborg) and his urge to act on it and solve it, but he can't.
In spite of this, I can't help thinking their retribution is just.
I love how you made it apparent they still have a long way to go toward regaining their humanity.
I also found this "setback" very realistic: how many times real people think they overcame and obstacle, only to be faced straight away with another wall?
All I could honestly think was "c'est la vie", and I'd say this otherworldly ordeal the FTwins are experiencing is pretty...human.
And on this note, I love how late in the chapter F18 muses on the sentiments of envy and empathy being both extremely human. This abitily of reflection is, too.
King Kai is patient and laid-back
I never feel sadism from him, even when he painfully had to restrain F17.
If Krillin represents change, he stands for order.
His stating they don't need to lose out of sight their goal to integrate human sentiments, and of the hurdles they still have to jump to get there, felt necessary.
It felt like he's coaching them back into focus when their emotions dominate them. And there's somw subtle irony at their completely inhuman murderous instinct showing, again, because of sucha human thing as emotions.
Krillin is always tactful. Even in his rejection.
He doesn't "syphon plasure out of pain" (I loved this image) and his meditation image feels like he needs to reset after so much negativity. Because it's not in his nature even if he doesn't shy away from a fight.
Balancing the harrowing rejection scene, we have Garnet and Jade. I enjoyed their moments with PTwins, vibrant and full of warmth, even if you're describing a robbery I guess there's honour among these thieves.
All the physical touch going on here drives home how safe PTwins are and are perceived compared to the Future counterparts.
A small critique now! I found the epithets you used to describe Jade and Garnet a bit over-used at times. Even if I understand it's fun to use them and you wanted to avoid repeating the names, it felt like they made some sentences a bit clunky.
Maybe it's just my impression!
Then we have some lovely "bts of LDC": the laborious prepararions for P18 and Krillin's first date, the twins' and the siblings' thoughts on calling Krillin on the phone (it makes one say "aahhh, that'swhy they exchanged letters!"), all mentioned from a different angle: I was happy to reread it but it also felt fresh
You know that I loved big sis really wanting (and valuing) lil bro'a opinion, demanding more effort from him? And that I was also thinking "maybe she's too blue"? (Great minds think alike: you, my man 17, me)
Krillin is simply THE MAN. Respectful and devoted above anyrhing else.
If all mob bosses werw Krillin!
The tenderness of the budding K18 love was a beautiful way to finish the scene.
I mentioned before how difficult a chapter this abundant can be tricky and even if everything is in place (you mentioned all the inneworkings: plot, characterisation, interactions) I feel like some parts can use a bit more showing and less telling.
For example, in some passages of the rejection and Jade-Garnet scenes I felt like you could have pushed the vividness of their emotions further instead of stating them.
Maybe I'm in no position to say this, as you were the one who helped me improve my show/tell and nailing it is still beyond me sometimes. I can't help feeling you can (you have the skill and the love for the characters) take the impressive work you already did to the next level.
With time and patience and your own inspiration.
I know this because I know how strong I felt with your previous chapters.
And you did it here too, just more in bits than all along (images like F18's "mountainous regret": it's stunning. It's so vivid and immediate)
I hope my review and opinions made sense and can be useful to you!
I took the time to read the chapter more than once and it was time well spent.
Thank you for the chapter!
SSS
6/14/2023 c14 Tempeix
I write it with google translation because I am French but your story is amazing and brilliant and very well written and I wish with all my heart that you will continue it until the end
I write it with google translation because I am French but your story is amazing and brilliant and very well written and I wish with all my heart that you will continue it until the end
6/14/2023 c15 7Literal Winter
Good work on this chapter man, it's an achievement to power through your writer's block like this and get a chapter finished so well done!
The chapter's title pretty much sums up this piece of your story and it was certainly interesting to see that the future Androids still revert to their darker nature when things don't go their way, which I believe is good characterization as it shows just how vindictive and petty they can be, a trait that was evident in their personalities whilst they were alive.
It's also good that there are still elements of their progression in place as well, such as Eighteen having inner conflict with how she feels vs what she knows is the truth, the instance where she is furious at Krillin being a prime example since she knows that he is not in the wrong.
The present timeline story unfolding is nice and provides a good contrast between the negativity of the future Androids compared to their much more positive present counterparts. One of the interesting points here was that the future Androids are finally starting to accept the stark difference between the two Android pairs, which sets them up for further development.
Good job anyways man, hope your burnout and writer's block get better, but do rest up and take your time!
7Literal WinterGood work on this chapter man, it's an achievement to power through your writer's block like this and get a chapter finished so well done!
The chapter's title pretty much sums up this piece of your story and it was certainly interesting to see that the future Androids still revert to their darker nature when things don't go their way, which I believe is good characterization as it shows just how vindictive and petty they can be, a trait that was evident in their personalities whilst they were alive.
It's also good that there are still elements of their progression in place as well, such as Eighteen having inner conflict with how she feels vs what she knows is the truth, the instance where she is furious at Krillin being a prime example since she knows that he is not in the wrong.
The present timeline story unfolding is nice and provides a good contrast between the negativity of the future Androids compared to their much more positive present counterparts. One of the interesting points here was that the future Androids are finally starting to accept the stark difference between the two Android pairs, which sets them up for further development.
Good job anyways man, hope your burnout and writer's block get better, but do rest up and take your time!
6/11/2023 c15 1sourcandygaga
Oh wow this was an awesome chapter. I really think it was well done. I can definitely understand future 18’s jealousy but yeah I didn’t expect the future cyborg’s display some of their old habits/traits because i genuinely like king kai i thought they had already accepted that not everything always goes their way but at the same time i do understand the jealousy future 18 has. I can’t wait for the date chapter and i wonder what would happen in that date chapter and i wonder how well future 18 will ne able to handle seeing her counterpart going on a date with krillin and i also wonder I understand why future krillin rejected future 18 I wonder how the gears will shift between future 18 and future krillin in the future
1sourcandygagaOh wow this was an awesome chapter. I really think it was well done. I can definitely understand future 18’s jealousy but yeah I didn’t expect the future cyborg’s display some of their old habits/traits because i genuinely like king kai i thought they had already accepted that not everything always goes their way but at the same time i do understand the jealousy future 18 has. I can’t wait for the date chapter and i wonder what would happen in that date chapter and i wonder how well future 18 will ne able to handle seeing her counterpart going on a date with krillin and i also wonder I understand why future krillin rejected future 18 I wonder how the gears will shift between future 18 and future krillin in the future
4/23/2023 c14 9JogreMyOgre
Late review, so much of what I feel has already been said. Regardless, I want to talk about it. I want to cover my thoughts on the whole arc that spans from the end of the Cell Games to confronting Krillin. This part really touched on something missing from canon in a really meaningful way. The exploration of what kind of struggles 17 and 18 would have in the world without human connections, a home, or even a proper identity.
I never imagined how much they would have to go through in these early stages after Cell, and this captures it spectacularly. It really gives the whole story before this point more meaning. Even though their identities have been lost and given super powered bodies, their struggles remain the same. Outcasts.
Then what you did with Krillin was really impactful. He's not just some hookup, he's fundamentally important to both of their lives. He's like the force they always needed, a person who really sees them as people rather than monsters/undesirables/criminals, something very few people ever did, even before they were androids.
Having 18 confront Future Krillin after witnessing him change their other selves lives was the most emotional part of this story for me. That heartbreaking moment where you remember what the story is called, remembering that 18's reality isn't her other self's, that she's someone who abandoned her humanity and died, only to discover what she lost in the afterlife. That was a gut punch. It made me realize that the androids aren't the only ones effected by the knowledge of what they were in another world, that Krillin had been suffering with that for longer than they have. For them to come to him with the naivety of thinking that he'd accept them as if they were the androids they could have been, that must have been painful for him. It begs the question of whether or not they really are different people or not. I knew this story was tragic, but this really hit me hard.
Thanks for all your work on this.
9JogreMyOgreLate review, so much of what I feel has already been said. Regardless, I want to talk about it. I want to cover my thoughts on the whole arc that spans from the end of the Cell Games to confronting Krillin. This part really touched on something missing from canon in a really meaningful way. The exploration of what kind of struggles 17 and 18 would have in the world without human connections, a home, or even a proper identity.
I never imagined how much they would have to go through in these early stages after Cell, and this captures it spectacularly. It really gives the whole story before this point more meaning. Even though their identities have been lost and given super powered bodies, their struggles remain the same. Outcasts.
Then what you did with Krillin was really impactful. He's not just some hookup, he's fundamentally important to both of their lives. He's like the force they always needed, a person who really sees them as people rather than monsters/undesirables/criminals, something very few people ever did, even before they were androids.
Having 18 confront Future Krillin after witnessing him change their other selves lives was the most emotional part of this story for me. That heartbreaking moment where you remember what the story is called, remembering that 18's reality isn't her other self's, that she's someone who abandoned her humanity and died, only to discover what she lost in the afterlife. That was a gut punch. It made me realize that the androids aren't the only ones effected by the knowledge of what they were in another world, that Krillin had been suffering with that for longer than they have. For them to come to him with the naivety of thinking that he'd accept them as if they were the androids they could have been, that must have been painful for him. It begs the question of whether or not they really are different people or not. I knew this story was tragic, but this really hit me hard.
Thanks for all your work on this.
2/28/2023 c14 3SuperSimpleStuff
My friend,
Let me congratulate you for this rich, vast, complex, keystone chapter. I can imagine the depth of thought and the work that went into unpacking every scene in all their emotion and complexity of interactions.
Before commenting in detail let me say something that overarches every part of this chapter: your usage of dialogue (internal and direct), and the depictionprogression of every character interaction was masterful.
You really went all out on each and every element that is your strength, from the description of colours to a skilful usage of your themes.
I am impressed, proud of you knowing how much you care about the story and the characters (I hope it just doesn’t read like excessive praise).
Something I really enjoyed is how you built suspense from the get go, through Tien’s skepticism (more his own than Yamcha’s, because the latter tends to be more…all bark and no bite. But you added the badass and dignified detail of his fingers curved like a wolf’s fangs and didn’t make him a meme, something even I am guilty of…)
For how painful to read it is it only makes sense the two Z Fighters assume the worst of the twins. Again, Tien especially, and his distrust being IC it has some weight
(, the 3-eye roll, “robots” and “mr” robot were pretty funny; and I found it interesting how they don’t correct him “cyborgs!” straight away, as the priority is not that for now).
In all this…Eighteen chooses to remember that Tien warded off SP Cell…
Krillin immediately jumping to the twins' defence is just as IC and heartwarming as it should be, and his pure radiant ki is a testament to the purity of his soul.
You know what struck me the most in this opening scene tho?
The twins acknowledging the Z Fighters' emotiona.
They're not only developing their own conscience but they're also becoming more receptive and empathetic.
An image you skilfully slipped to back this up is when Eighteen blinks red and she's AT RISK of being perceived as predatory, when in reality she's worried for herself and her brother (who is blinking red out of self-defence, instead).
I never thought deeply about this, but it makes their journey more poignant. After all it's true that you can understand others better when you first understand yourself, you know what I mean? Especially two introverted people like the twins, everything needs to fall into place within themselves before it does in the world.
The increased awareness P-Eighteen has of herself now makes her say "I know I won't, I can't!' (hurt anyone).
And I believe her.
Becasue you built up her amd Seventeen's trauma in a way so logical and also emotional that makes your reader think "why would anyone want to go back to that? Gero, Cell,..."
And it's believable because the Present Twins are actually non-murderers.
I love how Krillin brings the focus back to this!
No human xasualties, in spite of their targeting system going bananas because of that despicable man…
With Seventeen, the awareness/empathy manifests with him musing on how the Z Fighters assuming the worst of them isn't preposterous, he's not ignoring nor denying what he knows he (they) did as Future selves.
There's other lovely images in this first scene,
-Seventeen's "searing gaze" VS Eighteen's "wide, terrified eyes".
-two colours opposite in temperature, "arctic blue" and the blinking red coexisting in Seventeen's eyes
-"Muscle-bound" Z Fighters VS a "deceptively slender" cyborg
-That spark if connection between velvety chocolate and crystal water eyes
The twins almost utter Krillin's name but refrain at the last moment like it was a spell.
Only the midget man can really come to terms with them. Get through to them.
I also appreciated the clarifications/deeper dive in the nightmares as the remnants of Gero's control, and the mentioning of the possibility of them losing control as still being real in spite of their will of harming no one.
Also, Vegeta. Appreciated that you mentioned him.
I smiled at Eighteen putting a bump on her brother's head, is a classic anime gag with an old-school charm.
Since I never try to guess what you have in store, because I like being surprised, I got excited at the mention of the twins being brought to Bulma's, of the Dragon Balls.
Anytjing could have happened here, my reader's senses were all inflated to the maximum.
I would have enjoyed whatever route you chose. But let me say that I greatly appreciated that you chose something off the beaten path.
And you did it in a way that made Krillin shine.
Meditation reads like less of a shortcut and more of that nitty-gritty pure hard work to be done methodically and well. A cultured monk is familiar with this degree of discipline, but the cyborgs at this stage, still don't feel like beings of patience
Adding a spark of meditation having magic properties just makes it more coherent with the verse
I apprexiated the thoughts of the twins on this debate, like not really being into having to be analysed by Bulma, all of their "enemies' actually being good people.
Yes, the helping hand is mostly Krillin here but Tien and Yamcha are in this too, the sense I get is "a solution to this nightmares problem HAS to be found. Everybody is pitching in, a way or the other."
Then you slipped in a fitting, satisfactory description of Eighteen's demeanour, "aloof playfulness" (/ Seventeen's "pureblood" one).
And a most subtle K18 allusion, blushing
I love this slow burn
Krillin being extra wholesome as he states that he can help them even though he knows he can't comprehend the full range of their suffering
More lovely images depicting the breathing of the trio as they meditate, of the very real infectiousness of the need for peace and the mundane, of Seventeen doing the most adoravle things like coma-ing (he always takes Eighteen's funny reaction to further heigths) and whistling while meditating.
All of this woven into the main plot, with the added perspective of their Future selves, and the reminder of King Kai bring there.
You wove the two plots all along and it could either read as it read and leave a readee impressed or be a huge mess.
Future Seventeen being worried about his Present self.
No need, he's laid back but still fearsome
(one of the things I love the most about jim to this day).
At the end of the meditation, that simple thank you by Eighteen works well, just as her potential being catatonic and her being lowkey about herself crushing -but not denying it
Future Eighteen doing those small commenrs of encouragement to Present reads like a sassy loving big sister.
I found the image of "frosty moon" and of the twins' sleeping and guarding patterns endearing and pertinent.
Meditation held the nigjtmares at bay for now!
About this, I'm glad they kept practising it all along the period of time this chapter covered, cause it must take a while to master and cause it's not a band aid. It's for the long term.
The combo of the images of Eighteen's factual beauty and her snoring, the pool of drool ahahahahaha I love this. I love when you have an extremely attractive character in your hands and they're made "flawed" like this.
Obviously it works with characters of every physical appearance but it's a sharper contrast with the beautiful ones, imho.
When Seventeen asks if she and Krillin shared some contact…I think he's being empathetic and mature toward his sister's crush.
Both Presemt and Future Seventeens.
It's a reaction that stems from true love. He wouldn't truly love his sister if he wasn't able to see how good Krillin is for her.
Krillin is both the helping hand and a symbol of their vulnerability
In different ways
This is the most powerful message you shared through him.
More LDC references with the eagles and the shack. This is how they got their first home…
The segment depicting their decision of making that old shack their home, of them remodelling and having all those IC clothes-and-car made and attempting to recognise birds in the forest (like LDC Seventeen studying for his ranger application) had me think 'This is the mundane they deserve'. To, yes, shake off Gero's influence while absorbing their powers into their identity.
This is food for thought for the Future twins.
And tell me, when they see the eagle they don't know what it ia, but then Eighteen calls is "eagle". Is this notion part of the pre-packed knowledge they hold?
I really went "haha" with the twins being naughty Santa Clauses stealing furniture from tje mall. With little children , they airlifted bags of presents back home, garnering curious stares from good boys and girls of North City in the process.
I couldn't NOT react to the refurbished cabin being called "product of their labour".
It sounds so much like "labours of love"...
When all the princess room and man cave are done it's appetizing to toast even for me the reader, so infectious is the good mood the Present Twins share.
Ok, Seventeen spurs her, but that spontaneous KRILLIN coming out of the depths of Eighteen's soul is all her.
All the pent-up crush feelings.
Which affect Future Eighteen as well, motivate her to claim for herself the wholesomeness and peace she happily witnessed blooming within her counterpart, one ocean-blue thawing gaze at a time.
FSeventeen shows a profound understanding of his sister when he witness her outburst and comprehends she's angry at herself.
When they search for Krillin on King Kai's planet
If was fun to read the twins giving chase with a different blinking red and its diagrams, and then the warmth of their targeting systems not being used out of ill will
a sort of game of hide and seek for cyborgs!
The ending ties to the beginning with the twins passing by some Z fighters, Goku cheerful and Goham distrustful (if not he…)
And the notion, coming back again, of the Future Twins' demise being self-made even if it was carried out by Future Trunks
(we are the ones who turned them against us…)
And then it hurt.
Seventeen's encouragement, F-Eighteen's pure joy at the sight of Krillin (who, with hindsight, didn't want to be found…), she being "more emotional than ever'.
You give this exceptional description just before dropping the hammer of Krillin merting her witj heartbreak.
His refusal makes total sense, and it's clearly not out of malice but out of…guess what…What could have been.
With the title resonating with this ending, I'm once again coming to terms to what a masterpiece you've written.
Krillin's regret makes him strong. Because he's not a doormat, and what Future Eighteen has done can't be erased now, with jer being sincerely emotional.
This chapter shows both how far they've come, and how long of a road still awaits them before they can maaaaybe, even, hypothethically have a chance for redemption.
If one bad act doesn't overshadow a thousand acrs of good, well, their (FTwins) recent increase in empathy doesn't grant them instant rwdemption
And no matter how it hurts to read, I stand by you as an author and I wouldn't have it a different way.
Just one thing, if I may ask, just to make sure nothing in this great chapter goes misunderstood: whay did Krillin mean with
"Your plan for us, how could I ever go alone with it!"
(I apologise if it's not immediately clear for me. And another bit that wasn't fully clear was when, in the meditation scene, Krillin says "that mad man was bear the blame!"
It's probably a typo
I also apologise if the sole composition of this…essay?
Took longer than I intended. But here I am.
I hope I could link together all my thoughts because tje complexity of the chapter itself made it for a true analysis which I hope I could deliver.
Be proud of you, and…now rest and reap the fruits of your labour!
SSS
3SuperSimpleStuffMy friend,
Let me congratulate you for this rich, vast, complex, keystone chapter. I can imagine the depth of thought and the work that went into unpacking every scene in all their emotion and complexity of interactions.
Before commenting in detail let me say something that overarches every part of this chapter: your usage of dialogue (internal and direct), and the depictionprogression of every character interaction was masterful.
You really went all out on each and every element that is your strength, from the description of colours to a skilful usage of your themes.
I am impressed, proud of you knowing how much you care about the story and the characters (I hope it just doesn’t read like excessive praise).
Something I really enjoyed is how you built suspense from the get go, through Tien’s skepticism (more his own than Yamcha’s, because the latter tends to be more…all bark and no bite. But you added the badass and dignified detail of his fingers curved like a wolf’s fangs and didn’t make him a meme, something even I am guilty of…)
For how painful to read it is it only makes sense the two Z Fighters assume the worst of the twins. Again, Tien especially, and his distrust being IC it has some weight
(, the 3-eye roll, “robots” and “mr” robot were pretty funny; and I found it interesting how they don’t correct him “cyborgs!” straight away, as the priority is not that for now).
In all this…Eighteen chooses to remember that Tien warded off SP Cell…
Krillin immediately jumping to the twins' defence is just as IC and heartwarming as it should be, and his pure radiant ki is a testament to the purity of his soul.
You know what struck me the most in this opening scene tho?
The twins acknowledging the Z Fighters' emotiona.
They're not only developing their own conscience but they're also becoming more receptive and empathetic.
An image you skilfully slipped to back this up is when Eighteen blinks red and she's AT RISK of being perceived as predatory, when in reality she's worried for herself and her brother (who is blinking red out of self-defence, instead).
I never thought deeply about this, but it makes their journey more poignant. After all it's true that you can understand others better when you first understand yourself, you know what I mean? Especially two introverted people like the twins, everything needs to fall into place within themselves before it does in the world.
The increased awareness P-Eighteen has of herself now makes her say "I know I won't, I can't!' (hurt anyone).
And I believe her.
Becasue you built up her amd Seventeen's trauma in a way so logical and also emotional that makes your reader think "why would anyone want to go back to that? Gero, Cell,..."
And it's believable because the Present Twins are actually non-murderers.
I love how Krillin brings the focus back to this!
No human xasualties, in spite of their targeting system going bananas because of that despicable man…
With Seventeen, the awareness/empathy manifests with him musing on how the Z Fighters assuming the worst of them isn't preposterous, he's not ignoring nor denying what he knows he (they) did as Future selves.
There's other lovely images in this first scene,
-Seventeen's "searing gaze" VS Eighteen's "wide, terrified eyes".
-two colours opposite in temperature, "arctic blue" and the blinking red coexisting in Seventeen's eyes
-"Muscle-bound" Z Fighters VS a "deceptively slender" cyborg
-That spark if connection between velvety chocolate and crystal water eyes
The twins almost utter Krillin's name but refrain at the last moment like it was a spell.
Only the midget man can really come to terms with them. Get through to them.
I also appreciated the clarifications/deeper dive in the nightmares as the remnants of Gero's control, and the mentioning of the possibility of them losing control as still being real in spite of their will of harming no one.
Also, Vegeta. Appreciated that you mentioned him.
I smiled at Eighteen putting a bump on her brother's head, is a classic anime gag with an old-school charm.
Since I never try to guess what you have in store, because I like being surprised, I got excited at the mention of the twins being brought to Bulma's, of the Dragon Balls.
Anytjing could have happened here, my reader's senses were all inflated to the maximum.
I would have enjoyed whatever route you chose. But let me say that I greatly appreciated that you chose something off the beaten path.
And you did it in a way that made Krillin shine.
Meditation reads like less of a shortcut and more of that nitty-gritty pure hard work to be done methodically and well. A cultured monk is familiar with this degree of discipline, but the cyborgs at this stage, still don't feel like beings of patience
Adding a spark of meditation having magic properties just makes it more coherent with the verse
I apprexiated the thoughts of the twins on this debate, like not really being into having to be analysed by Bulma, all of their "enemies' actually being good people.
Yes, the helping hand is mostly Krillin here but Tien and Yamcha are in this too, the sense I get is "a solution to this nightmares problem HAS to be found. Everybody is pitching in, a way or the other."
Then you slipped in a fitting, satisfactory description of Eighteen's demeanour, "aloof playfulness" (/ Seventeen's "pureblood" one).
And a most subtle K18 allusion, blushing
I love this slow burn
Krillin being extra wholesome as he states that he can help them even though he knows he can't comprehend the full range of their suffering
More lovely images depicting the breathing of the trio as they meditate, of the very real infectiousness of the need for peace and the mundane, of Seventeen doing the most adoravle things like coma-ing (he always takes Eighteen's funny reaction to further heigths) and whistling while meditating.
All of this woven into the main plot, with the added perspective of their Future selves, and the reminder of King Kai bring there.
You wove the two plots all along and it could either read as it read and leave a readee impressed or be a huge mess.
Future Seventeen being worried about his Present self.
No need, he's laid back but still fearsome
(one of the things I love the most about jim to this day).
At the end of the meditation, that simple thank you by Eighteen works well, just as her potential being catatonic and her being lowkey about herself crushing -but not denying it
Future Eighteen doing those small commenrs of encouragement to Present reads like a sassy loving big sister.
I found the image of "frosty moon" and of the twins' sleeping and guarding patterns endearing and pertinent.
Meditation held the nigjtmares at bay for now!
About this, I'm glad they kept practising it all along the period of time this chapter covered, cause it must take a while to master and cause it's not a band aid. It's for the long term.
The combo of the images of Eighteen's factual beauty and her snoring, the pool of drool ahahahahaha I love this. I love when you have an extremely attractive character in your hands and they're made "flawed" like this.
Obviously it works with characters of every physical appearance but it's a sharper contrast with the beautiful ones, imho.
When Seventeen asks if she and Krillin shared some contact…I think he's being empathetic and mature toward his sister's crush.
Both Presemt and Future Seventeens.
It's a reaction that stems from true love. He wouldn't truly love his sister if he wasn't able to see how good Krillin is for her.
Krillin is both the helping hand and a symbol of their vulnerability
In different ways
This is the most powerful message you shared through him.
More LDC references with the eagles and the shack. This is how they got their first home…
The segment depicting their decision of making that old shack their home, of them remodelling and having all those IC clothes-and-car made and attempting to recognise birds in the forest (like LDC Seventeen studying for his ranger application) had me think 'This is the mundane they deserve'. To, yes, shake off Gero's influence while absorbing their powers into their identity.
This is food for thought for the Future twins.
And tell me, when they see the eagle they don't know what it ia, but then Eighteen calls is "eagle". Is this notion part of the pre-packed knowledge they hold?
I really went "haha" with the twins being naughty Santa Clauses stealing furniture from tje mall. With little children , they airlifted bags of presents back home, garnering curious stares from good boys and girls of North City in the process.
I couldn't NOT react to the refurbished cabin being called "product of their labour".
It sounds so much like "labours of love"...
When all the princess room and man cave are done it's appetizing to toast even for me the reader, so infectious is the good mood the Present Twins share.
Ok, Seventeen spurs her, but that spontaneous KRILLIN coming out of the depths of Eighteen's soul is all her.
All the pent-up crush feelings.
Which affect Future Eighteen as well, motivate her to claim for herself the wholesomeness and peace she happily witnessed blooming within her counterpart, one ocean-blue thawing gaze at a time.
FSeventeen shows a profound understanding of his sister when he witness her outburst and comprehends she's angry at herself.
When they search for Krillin on King Kai's planet
If was fun to read the twins giving chase with a different blinking red and its diagrams, and then the warmth of their targeting systems not being used out of ill will
a sort of game of hide and seek for cyborgs!
The ending ties to the beginning with the twins passing by some Z fighters, Goku cheerful and Goham distrustful (if not he…)
And the notion, coming back again, of the Future Twins' demise being self-made even if it was carried out by Future Trunks
(we are the ones who turned them against us…)
And then it hurt.
Seventeen's encouragement, F-Eighteen's pure joy at the sight of Krillin (who, with hindsight, didn't want to be found…), she being "more emotional than ever'.
You give this exceptional description just before dropping the hammer of Krillin merting her witj heartbreak.
His refusal makes total sense, and it's clearly not out of malice but out of…guess what…What could have been.
With the title resonating with this ending, I'm once again coming to terms to what a masterpiece you've written.
Krillin's regret makes him strong. Because he's not a doormat, and what Future Eighteen has done can't be erased now, with jer being sincerely emotional.
This chapter shows both how far they've come, and how long of a road still awaits them before they can maaaaybe, even, hypothethically have a chance for redemption.
If one bad act doesn't overshadow a thousand acrs of good, well, their (FTwins) recent increase in empathy doesn't grant them instant rwdemption
And no matter how it hurts to read, I stand by you as an author and I wouldn't have it a different way.
Just one thing, if I may ask, just to make sure nothing in this great chapter goes misunderstood: whay did Krillin mean with
"Your plan for us, how could I ever go alone with it!"
(I apologise if it's not immediately clear for me. And another bit that wasn't fully clear was when, in the meditation scene, Krillin says "that mad man was bear the blame!"
It's probably a typo
I also apologise if the sole composition of this…essay?
Took longer than I intended. But here I am.
I hope I could link together all my thoughts because tje complexity of the chapter itself made it for a true analysis which I hope I could deliver.
Be proud of you, and…now rest and reap the fruits of your labour!
SSS
2/27/2023 c14 7Literal Winter
Good chapter man, I really liked how you handled the confrontation between the Present Androids and the Z Fighters especially, there was some good tension and conflict there which made for an engaging read.
I really like how you portray Yamcha and Tien, there presence in the story is well placed as they provide a solid counterpoint to the twins with Krillin acting as the mediator in-between the two groups. Krillin's role is also very well done and I believe that you really allowed him to shine in a way that highlighted his understanding and good nature, giving him the control he needed to help resolve the problem at hand. His teaching of meditation to the twins was great as well, and I really liked the K18 nods you put throughout as well.
The next part with the Present twins finding and making the cabin their home was nice as well, and them finally being able to live stress free and simply sleep in their own home was touching and great to see their well earned progression. It was also cool that you are consistent with your themes, such as that of Sixteen, nature and birds being in your story, not to mention I have sneaking suspicion of what type of flightless bird you described as well.
The ending with F18 tracking down Krillin to confront him was an exciting way to set up for the next chapter, I am interested to see how the rest of their interaction goes in the next one!
Take as much of a break as you need man, you've put in some good work here!
7Literal WinterGood chapter man, I really liked how you handled the confrontation between the Present Androids and the Z Fighters especially, there was some good tension and conflict there which made for an engaging read.
I really like how you portray Yamcha and Tien, there presence in the story is well placed as they provide a solid counterpoint to the twins with Krillin acting as the mediator in-between the two groups. Krillin's role is also very well done and I believe that you really allowed him to shine in a way that highlighted his understanding and good nature, giving him the control he needed to help resolve the problem at hand. His teaching of meditation to the twins was great as well, and I really liked the K18 nods you put throughout as well.
The next part with the Present twins finding and making the cabin their home was nice as well, and them finally being able to live stress free and simply sleep in their own home was touching and great to see their well earned progression. It was also cool that you are consistent with your themes, such as that of Sixteen, nature and birds being in your story, not to mention I have sneaking suspicion of what type of flightless bird you described as well.
The ending with F18 tracking down Krillin to confront him was an exciting way to set up for the next chapter, I am interested to see how the rest of their interaction goes in the next one!
Take as much of a break as you need man, you've put in some good work here!
2/27/2023 c14 1sourcandygaga
OMG this chapter is awesome wow. I been waiting anxiously for this chapter. I’n glad krillin was able to help the present cyborgs get over their nightmares. Wow. So Future 18 and Future Krillin finally meet again. I hope you would be able to figure out how to proceed but take all the time you need i loved this chapter and looking forward to the next one
1sourcandygagaOMG this chapter is awesome wow. I been waiting anxiously for this chapter. I’n glad krillin was able to help the present cyborgs get over their nightmares. Wow. So Future 18 and Future Krillin finally meet again. I hope you would be able to figure out how to proceed but take all the time you need i loved this chapter and looking forward to the next one
2/13/2023 c13 3SuperSimpleStuff
Chapter 13 already!
The title really brings in the wind of change, it made me feel positive the twins would be alright, not because a new beginning equals easy life, but because they can HAVE it
After they thought everything would be over for them
As a K18 bit underlines, Krillin gave this chance to them
I like how in these last chapters the blinking red of their eyes makes more and more way to blinking yellow as they wonder, as they want to trace themselves back, understand
I love that PSeventeen is daring, experimental, thinks outside of the box. Sometimes one gotta take a risk and he's not afraid of venturing in North City, in the end it can't get much worse, and in that timeline they have no intention of bringing Armageddon anyway
The theme of their escape and some of the most painful memories is leading this chapter. You can come back only if you went away and a new beginning starts in the place they left.
There's an image I really love here, with them "infiltrating" the city: their eyes glowing in the dark.
It should look menacing but you managed to make it look beautiful
What came across Ftwins watching Ptwins set foot in North City again is a sense of...acceptance.
They blame themselves for what they have done but not breaking their own heart, this time.
When Eighteen tells P-Eighteen she can't blame her..I'm proud because they suffered enough.
Your trademark switch from anything "God" to "Sixteen' is a comforting presence, something I closely associate to your style and I thoroughly enjoy reading it.
When Eighteen is more mature she's not the twin anymore but 'elder sister', nice detail, reinforced by her calling Seventeen "baby bro" (and then he calls himself big bro!)
"Polaris park", in North city (like north star?)
This time they have fun in a park without taking lives
The thoughts about their house...I'm also sad it's not there anymore.
It feels like the new one which was built there lacks warmth
I'm curious about the thought you breached when they mused about their old house: blowing the city upeasy way out
They mean...To avoid coping with whatever?
Car and clothes shopping...
Him don't mind clothes even if they're literally in tatters!
"Dress me up", Seventeen edition, like a paper doll
It was quite adorable
Then we have Garnet and Jade, a shadown from the past even if the twins have just met them.
"If...if he ever makes it out...if this brother sister team makes it out..."
The hurt from almost getting shot on their nightly store raid with Coral and the others, which you also reference in this chapter.
Ah, and them recalling how they smashed the face of the guy who shot coral...I rejoiced too. I really can't bring myself to not to, even if Future twins are now revolted by the memory.
Garnet and Jade continue what Gohan had started in ch 11: the twins seeing their childhood and formative years
"Yes way little man"
That Seventeen sass.
The little k18 winks, it will all come together like a puzzle when Eighteen decides what she'll decide (and I'm super curious after knowing the ending of the chaoter)
I'm so happy Present Twins are appreciated, and this paves the way to all the love they'll give and receive. The path they took really is different from that taken by their doppelgangers now in the afterlife
And they're loved in a setting they didn't show themselves as meek...they sent those thugs away in a breath.
Jade blushing, eh, what can I say? You knew I had to mention it, didn't you...
It's curious Garnet is not the one with red hair!
Ms Poule, I remembered her straight away as the orphanage was mentioned
She having their photo, like she never forgets any kids in her care
Curious she mentions doppelgangers...what does she mean?
Anyway this scene is a nice way to tie to Lapis and Lazuli!
Even if comes with the cost of Seventeen facing a crisis, unleashing his energy, with his angst.
I was expecting it could happen, put so much in contact with emotional intensity, but I didn't expect Jade and Garnet mentioning Lapis and Lazuli, and it being because of that
It's sweet they're remembered and loved, and I wasn't really worried about Jade and Garnet getting hurt, maybe because one of the twins was still in control.
But the kind of crisis Seventeen is having here...
The way Eighteen whisks him away in strain shows how much grit she has to put into containing him and drag him to safety.
Grit, and love.
I love the expression "sibling care" even if Seventeen can't get himself calmed down.
What he says, not being in control of his targeting system, made me have a creepy hypothesis: what if Gero had directed his targeting system toward himself at the mentioning of his name?
The way you describe his screams and the veins bulging under the skin sounds like torture, like he's being his own victim.
Dang it was painful to read, it was like the pain was driving him crazy...at the point of tearing at his own skin
But it's heartbreaking in a positive sense that Eighteen's voice and hold get to him through all this inhuman suffering
It's like she lies at the very core of his being
Them hilding hands is the purest symbol of their bond, and I especially loved the moment when you described it to be an instinct, when Cell took Seventeen from her and she felt incomplete turning to take his hand, and not finding it...
When I read about the explosion erupting from Seventeen I definitely thought Gero rigged him to self destruct. Maybe the name Lapis really was a trigger to his very systems, as Krillin has already wished the bomb to be removed.
I got the sense of magnitude of all their power, and Eighteen clearly demonstated a more tactical mind in erecting a barrier with an escape hole.
It's like they (he) survived self-destruction
Their Future selves reaction is my breath of relief. They reeeally look like they're in a movie theatre!
Tien, Yamcha and KRILLIN appearing at the end was a surprise!
And I also want to tell them "nooooooooo please don't misunderstand!"
Now I'm left with the curiosity about what P-Eighteen will do when seeing Krillin again
Them meeting again like this is a turn I didn't see clming, and I love surprises.
Another solid chapter I enjoyed, especially the nods to the Lapis and Lazuli flashback chapters earlier in the story.
If I were to point out anything...in the first paragraph you said "nostalgia and pain".
Isn't pain already a key component to nostalgia? See I have to squint!
Regarding your notes, I'm glad to know you to be in a different place a month later.
Stay always strong
SSS
3SuperSimpleStuffChapter 13 already!
The title really brings in the wind of change, it made me feel positive the twins would be alright, not because a new beginning equals easy life, but because they can HAVE it
After they thought everything would be over for them
As a K18 bit underlines, Krillin gave this chance to them
I like how in these last chapters the blinking red of their eyes makes more and more way to blinking yellow as they wonder, as they want to trace themselves back, understand
I love that PSeventeen is daring, experimental, thinks outside of the box. Sometimes one gotta take a risk and he's not afraid of venturing in North City, in the end it can't get much worse, and in that timeline they have no intention of bringing Armageddon anyway
The theme of their escape and some of the most painful memories is leading this chapter. You can come back only if you went away and a new beginning starts in the place they left.
There's an image I really love here, with them "infiltrating" the city: their eyes glowing in the dark.
It should look menacing but you managed to make it look beautiful
What came across Ftwins watching Ptwins set foot in North City again is a sense of...acceptance.
They blame themselves for what they have done but not breaking their own heart, this time.
When Eighteen tells P-Eighteen she can't blame her..I'm proud because they suffered enough.
Your trademark switch from anything "God" to "Sixteen' is a comforting presence, something I closely associate to your style and I thoroughly enjoy reading it.
When Eighteen is more mature she's not the twin anymore but 'elder sister', nice detail, reinforced by her calling Seventeen "baby bro" (and then he calls himself big bro!)
"Polaris park", in North city (like north star?)
This time they have fun in a park without taking lives
The thoughts about their house...I'm also sad it's not there anymore.
It feels like the new one which was built there lacks warmth
I'm curious about the thought you breached when they mused about their old house: blowing the city upeasy way out
They mean...To avoid coping with whatever?
Car and clothes shopping...
Him don't mind clothes even if they're literally in tatters!
"Dress me up", Seventeen edition, like a paper doll
It was quite adorable
Then we have Garnet and Jade, a shadown from the past even if the twins have just met them.
"If...if he ever makes it out...if this brother sister team makes it out..."
The hurt from almost getting shot on their nightly store raid with Coral and the others, which you also reference in this chapter.
Ah, and them recalling how they smashed the face of the guy who shot coral...I rejoiced too. I really can't bring myself to not to, even if Future twins are now revolted by the memory.
Garnet and Jade continue what Gohan had started in ch 11: the twins seeing their childhood and formative years
"Yes way little man"
That Seventeen sass.
The little k18 winks, it will all come together like a puzzle when Eighteen decides what she'll decide (and I'm super curious after knowing the ending of the chaoter)
I'm so happy Present Twins are appreciated, and this paves the way to all the love they'll give and receive. The path they took really is different from that taken by their doppelgangers now in the afterlife
And they're loved in a setting they didn't show themselves as meek...they sent those thugs away in a breath.
Jade blushing, eh, what can I say? You knew I had to mention it, didn't you...
It's curious Garnet is not the one with red hair!
Ms Poule, I remembered her straight away as the orphanage was mentioned
She having their photo, like she never forgets any kids in her care
Curious she mentions doppelgangers...what does she mean?
Anyway this scene is a nice way to tie to Lapis and Lazuli!
Even if comes with the cost of Seventeen facing a crisis, unleashing his energy, with his angst.
I was expecting it could happen, put so much in contact with emotional intensity, but I didn't expect Jade and Garnet mentioning Lapis and Lazuli, and it being because of that
It's sweet they're remembered and loved, and I wasn't really worried about Jade and Garnet getting hurt, maybe because one of the twins was still in control.
But the kind of crisis Seventeen is having here...
The way Eighteen whisks him away in strain shows how much grit she has to put into containing him and drag him to safety.
Grit, and love.
I love the expression "sibling care" even if Seventeen can't get himself calmed down.
What he says, not being in control of his targeting system, made me have a creepy hypothesis: what if Gero had directed his targeting system toward himself at the mentioning of his name?
The way you describe his screams and the veins bulging under the skin sounds like torture, like he's being his own victim.
Dang it was painful to read, it was like the pain was driving him crazy...at the point of tearing at his own skin
But it's heartbreaking in a positive sense that Eighteen's voice and hold get to him through all this inhuman suffering
It's like she lies at the very core of his being
Them hilding hands is the purest symbol of their bond, and I especially loved the moment when you described it to be an instinct, when Cell took Seventeen from her and she felt incomplete turning to take his hand, and not finding it...
When I read about the explosion erupting from Seventeen I definitely thought Gero rigged him to self destruct. Maybe the name Lapis really was a trigger to his very systems, as Krillin has already wished the bomb to be removed.
I got the sense of magnitude of all their power, and Eighteen clearly demonstated a more tactical mind in erecting a barrier with an escape hole.
It's like they (he) survived self-destruction
Their Future selves reaction is my breath of relief. They reeeally look like they're in a movie theatre!
Tien, Yamcha and KRILLIN appearing at the end was a surprise!
And I also want to tell them "nooooooooo please don't misunderstand!"
Now I'm left with the curiosity about what P-Eighteen will do when seeing Krillin again
Them meeting again like this is a turn I didn't see clming, and I love surprises.
Another solid chapter I enjoyed, especially the nods to the Lapis and Lazuli flashback chapters earlier in the story.
If I were to point out anything...in the first paragraph you said "nostalgia and pain".
Isn't pain already a key component to nostalgia? See I have to squint!
Regarding your notes, I'm glad to know you to be in a different place a month later.
Stay always strong
SSS