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for Therefore I Am

12/17/2022 c1 danielkid50
Rip Yukino, The Best Girl.
12/8/2022 c1 Guest
cool concept and all but I like this pairing too much to see them like this. your work your wish. but you never written a genuine piece of work for them without unnecessary drama.
12/8/2022 c1 Guest
never liked your works.
12/5/2022 c1 6CrimsonHeresy
A fantastic piece of work you have here. I really enjoyed it thank you.
11/4/2022 c1 1forward-smash
9/6/2022 c1 Come To Jesus
8/10/2022 c1 Guest
I should not has reading this, truly distasteful for me.
6/12/2022 c1 gleo52928
Creo que tengo una crisis existencial
6/12/2022 c1 1CMY187
When I first started reading this, I thought, ‘Oh, this is interesting, Yukino with an apparent mental illness.’
By the time I got to the end, I was thinking, ‘I should have known…I forgot that good writing requires that one be supremely evil and cruel.’

Varric Tethras: ‘If you love a character, you give them pain, ruin their lives, make them miserable...if they had a good time and went to bed, you’d stop reading.’
- Dragon Age: Inquisition

“as I always have”
Now that I’m reading it again, I’m doing so with the mindset that this is a Horror-story.
“one I have been experiencing for the longest time”
The Narrator messed up. One of the Characters of their Story became aware of his existence. Also, I disapprove of him deciding to just ‘cancel’ Yukino and the rest of the story and start over, instead of allowing events to run their course. I don’t think the Narrator likes it when things do not go exactly how he wants them to.
“reminding them time and time again”
I shuddered at this.
“sending me to a psychiatrist”
But not a medical doctor. Goddammit.
“always very kind to me”
I immediately thought, ‘Patronizing’.
“years of being patronised and misunderstood”
She is more angry than she is in Oregairu-Canon.
“today, as ever, she had performed exceptionally”
Unfortunately, unlike Hayato she refuses to indulge the people around her. Thus the alienation.
Honestly, in some ways I can understand Yukino and Hachiman’s unwillingness to socialise with other people because…well, many people are shallow, vapid and superficial. And that’s not even counting the ones who are mean and egotistic.
“something in her universe, or perhaps in her perception of it, was different. Better”
In a way, the events of this story are Yukino attempting to ‘rebel’; to go against the flow.
“what had compelled her to write”
Reading this story made me think of a moment – years ago – when I laid awake in bed for an entire Saturday night. By the time the dawn of the following Sunday arrived, I was still wide awake, not at all tired, and had come to a decision that I still feel is one of the most important I ever made; accepting and embracing what I truly am.
“risking our disapproval”
Why not allow the subject independence, Narrator? Why is it so important for Yukino to stay on the course you have decided for her?
“stealing the attentions of our parents”
Hachiman and Komachi are very close. Haruno and Yukino, not so much.
“I’ve never forgotten it. I never will”
Haruno is not a good person.
“No more of their income wasted on…no more nights wasted comforting”
Yeah…this is disgusting and loathsome. In my opinion, Yukino’s relatives lost the right to refer to themselves as her family.
“Pretending that my thoughts are as normal as any other human being”
Shallow, superficial and self-absorbed?
“one must accept their own flaws to understand their true nature”
No, deny the flaws and instead blame everyone around you. Then repeat your mistakes from earlier, because they clearly weren’t mistakes.
“like she did everyday”
Kazami Yuuji states that you cannot truly ‘help’ anyone, and that a person can only help themselves.
“Instead, she decided quite on a whim to”
She wanted to test the waters, to see if deviating from her usual routine would provoke a reaction from the Narrator. When doing this did not, she got bolder.
“Little did she know that”
Oof. Sometimes there is such a thing as fate.
“Or else”
Why was Komachi so determined to go shopping with Hachiman?
Yukino is the sort of person who would instantly draw attention wherever she goes. I wonder how many students have noticed her while in a classroom or corridor.
“monologued internally for a minute or two”
“The wounds were still gaping”
In my opinion, Yukino in the bookstore was both honest and dishonest with Hachiman.
“what he was frighteningly good at: avoid the problem”
I still have yet to find an Oregairu fanfic in which Hayato is the protagonist or a main character. The character remains incredibly underrated and under-utilized.
Imagine Hayato deciding to abandon all restraint and to just speak his mind wherever and whenever he wishes, regardless of the consequences.
“apparent bout of amnesia”
It’s a common occurrence in most people, and it is usually specific to events in which they in no uncertain term did something wrong.
“Time alone with your thoughts”
Why am I now trying to imagine Yukino as a Sith? I don’t think she’d side with Sidious though.
“improvements you require to fix your rotten personality”
It’s still such an important distinction/difference for me; Yukino and Yui have problems with certain aspects of Hachiman’s personality and beliefs, while Saki and Iroha do not. In my opinion, all four of them would be both good and bad for Hachiman if they grow very close to him.
“How many times are you going to repeat the same old insults”
I cackled at this. Hachiman does not mind if you are a bad person (points to Iroha), but he certainly minds if you are uninteresting.
Dammit, he really is just a teenage Gregory House. All we need is an addiction to pain meds.
“attempt some real literature”
I want to find a story in which Yukino becomes an avid reader of light novels.
“I would like to apply for a new generation”
They are all as bad as each other, just in different ways.
“laughed for a third time”
No restraint now. She does not try to hide nor deny her feelings and emotions to either Hachiman or herself.
“burning brighter than it had any right to”
Honestly, GOF, I feel put-out that this story went the way it did, specifically that the Narrator forced her to leave Hachiman’s home and everything that followed. It’s your fault for writing this story so well.
“Just to check on Komachi”
You are not as good a liar as you think you are, Hachiman. Work on it.
“the depths to which these feelings had taken root in her heart”
Hachiman is dangerous.
“half-considered winking at him”
Gotta say it again, GOF; too much potential in this story.
“one of his only friends”
Quality over quantity, Hachiman. Better to have a few friends who each are very dear to you, than a hundred who are collectively worth nothing.
‘he still suspected a trick”
In middle school, people whom Hachiman believed were his friends turned on him in a second, without a shred of hesitance or remorse.
Honestly, it can be difficult to try to disagree with Hachiman when he is often proven to be correct. Fiction needs to have sympathetic and multi-layered characters. In real life, people are cartoonishly shallow.
Sorry, I think I’ve become even more misanthropic over the past year than I was before.
“the measure of a man is how they treat their lessers”
Honestly, I can see BOTH Hachiman and Yukino becoming ruthless if either of them becomes a dictator.
“no set-up, no exposition or prevarication”
Dammit, now I want to read Metamorphosis.
“the symptom, not the cause”
I smiled at this.
“The two of them found much in the discussion”
Yukino has at last found someone who has both the ability and the willingness to engage in such discussions, rather than the latest gossip or fashion trends.
“to Crime and Punishment”
Of course. This is Hachiman after all.
“the shame she was used to feeling”
Yukino’s development in this story makes me think of the development and journey of a certain character in Better Call Saul. And now I’m grinning because I remembered that my personal pick for Yukino’s ideal career is Lawyer.
Yukino would likely become the very best lawyer in a law firm, with the second-best one not even coming close, but with an issue in which she keeps taking pro bono cases that go against the interests of her bosses/superiors, instead of cases that they want her to take. And they don’t like it but do not wish to risk losing their best employee. However, when Yukino attempts to refuse a request/order to take up a multi-million dollar(USD) case involving a lawsuit against a corporation because she wants to take a pro bono case to help a seemingly innocent person be cleared of a murder charge, her boss/superior may decide to put their foot down.
“despise the hold over me this ridiculous boy possessed, without any special effort on his part”
You are the best writer of Yukino I have ever seen, GOF.
“but rather to intensify them”
I love this development of Yukino.
“You might strive to be less obvious”
I’m just cackling imagining what Iroha’s response would be if she had caught Hachiman looking at her.
“He couldn’t stand the ambiguity”
He is not Hayato.
“contradicting her system of values”
A Yukino who stops caring about making the world a better place and instead focuses on her own personal wishes and desires.
“hardly worthy of a place in her day”
Yukino has Broke Bad.
“an infringement on her happiness, on the liberty of her thoughts”
Later, Yukino decides that she is willing to risk her friendship with Yui to pursue a romance with Hachiman.
“She glanced up shyly while still bowing”
Wait, is she seducing him?! Is Yukino becoming her sister?
“warned him that this couldn’t be so”
The Honey Trap, Hachiman. A manipulation tactic as old as time. You KNOW she was using it on you to distract you. You didn’t fall for it, you deliberately jumped into it.
“but not in the notion”
Yukino lies by telling the truth.
“Against our wishes”
Your wishes suck, Narrator.
“they appeared to have made more progress in two weeks”
Honestly, I feel that if the Narrator hadn’t murdered her and instead allowed events to progress, that Yukino and Hachiman might have become lovers but their relationship would not have ended well.
“how much I’ve been mentioning”
Is this truly love, or an act of rebellion?
“to be so candid with myself”

‘You either run from things, or you accept them, Mr White. I accept who I am.’
‘And what are you?’
‘I’m the bad guy.’
- Breaking Bad.

“talkative as ever, was rambling about”
Yeah…Yukino changes in this story, and not in an entirely good way. To be fair, Yukino and Yui do not share that many interests. At least not until Yui becomes an adult and gets into investigative journalism. No, I still say Yui would become a journalist.
“with her friendship group”
From the phrasing, it seems Yukino does not like to refer to Hayato’s clique as Yui’s friends.
“I wasn’t that sort of person”
I tilted my head at this. It says something about your writing that I can find this to be a believable change/development for Yukino’s character.
“as you will surely agree”
You’re a narcissist, aren’t you Narrator?
“her silence uncharacteristic”
It seems that what truly scares Yui is stillness. If so, why?
“a sad but true observation”
Not Hachiman, though. He liked and grew to love her upon seeing the side of her that doesn’t smile.
“without reprieve since the Service Club session began”
I blame both Yukino and Hachiman for this. Neither of them are stupid. They knew what they were doing and did it anyway.
“For a long time”
Now I want Yui to meet someone with whom she’d develop a somewhat similar dynamic; insults being traded good-naturedly.
“it wasn’t how Hachiman expressed his”
This made me smile.
“accustomed to being excluded from the conversation whenever they did so”
What if Yui were to attempt to imitate Yukino?
“not an enormous fan of reading or literature in general”
And now I’m imagining Yui reading and then becoming even more passionate of a fan of A Song of Ice and Fire than Hachiman and Yukino.
Come to think of it, I wonder what the favorite ASOIAF characters of each of the Oregairu characters would be.
“a tolerant person”
That to me says everything about her relationships with most of her acquaintances.
Dammit, now I want to read a story in which Yui becomes brutally honest and less self-restrained. Imagine Hachiman meeting her years later when they are both adults, and learning that she has become a more serious/cold/detached/less-smiling/etc person.
“the annoyance within her continued to build”
Jealousy is an ugly thing.
…is it wrong that I want to read a story in which Yukino and Yui’s relationship implodes?
Yeah, it’s wrong.
“He still suspected falsehood”
“because he did not want to resist them”
He’s being manipulated because he wants to be manipulated. And he is fully aware of it.
“under the distinguished label of her best friend”
Okay, Yukino, you now sound like a psychopath.
“for she absolutely despised confrontation”
This made me want to learn more about her childhood.
“just as noteworthy in her life”
And Hachiman would have felt guilty about going along with the flirting. It takes two after all.
“It shocked her with its relative coldness, its self-centredness”
Is it wrong that I smiled evilly at this? I’m a terrible person. Yes, I’m still smiling.
“the new, selfish, obtrusive Yukinoshita Yukino”
Now you know why your sister behaves the way she does, Yukino.
“I would never want to see you hurt”

‘I didn’t mean to hurt anybody.’
‘No one ever does.’
- Spec Ops: The Line.

“I cannot and will not apologise”
An apology is worthless if you are not going to change your behaviour and future actions, and Yukino knows it.
“it could only result in a long and drawn out mess”
Yukino and Yui becoming more brutally honest with each other. I like it.
“instant and profound”
Why am I constantly smiling at this?
“she felt the pull of”
Her anger isn’t really toward Yui, but Yui received it anyway.
“I choose what I love”
Well, Yui could do the same. Then what, Yukino?
“Swept up by this exhilarating defiance”
This is scary.
By the way, are there any Oregairu fanfics in which Yukino develops a second/split personality?
Yukino contacting and insisting on meeting him immediately after a private conversation with Yui. Hachiman knew something was wrong.
“How did the chat with Yuigahama-san go?”
“Everything has been resolved”
Blatant lie.
“I guess you could”
What if Hachiman had refused to meet until she told him the truth of what happened with Yui?
“stop over at mine”
Should have insisted on meeting her in a public place, Hachiman. Why didn’t you?
“This was all totally unacceptable”
But why, Narrator?
“out with her friends”
I’m very curious of what Komachi’s life is like outside the events of Oregairu.
“take her texts at face value”
Everybody Lies.
“if he had received another text”
Why didn’t you phone Yui, Hachiman?
“close to otherworldly”
Honestly, yeah, if Yukino decides to seduce Hachiman, it would probably be difficult for him to resist.
“How direct”
Okay, GOF, one day you’re going to have to write a story in which Yukino and Iroha switch bodies. Sorry, but that’s it.
I think the voice actresses for the characters would have a lot of fun with an episode or arc like that.
“I could borrow one of your shirts”
Iroha breaks into Hachiman’s home and steals and wears one of his shirts just to see how he would respond.
“What did you really chat about”
He knows that something really bad happened, and Yukino’s method of throwing him off his investigation was simple yet effective.
Honestly, I could see Yui retaliating by using the exact same method. Then it’d all get uglier. I believe that Yui can become downright ruthless if you do manage to enrage her. And looking at a particular one of your stories, I think that you believe the same.
“His mind rejected what he’d heard, but his body shivered”
Goddammit, Hachiman.
“such a perverse, nauseating, reckless embrace”
Why don’t you create an anthropomorphic version of yourself and become a character in your own story, Narrator? Then you’d learn what the other characters would think of you if they were to actually meet you in person. Somehow, I don’t think the results would be what you expect.
“I was supposed to get you one of my shirts”
He knows this is a mistake and that if he doesn’t stop it, everything is only going to get worse.
“But she wanted to write”
I think she’s gone crazy. Crazy Yukino. Dammit, GOF, I hate you! Too many awesome ideas and concepts!
“awakens him too”
Why not, Narrator? Let the story fall out of your hands and the characters take it where they wish.
“could only result in catastrophe”
But I LIKE catastrophes!
“Please feel safe in the knowledge that this will be the only intervention necessary”
Boo! Your story sucks, Narrator! Let Yukino take over!
“This is my design”

…you did that on purpose, GOF. That line was JUST for me. No, it’s not my ego or self-centredness talking, not this time. You wrote that line specifically for me.
“She started to walk away from”
At this point the audience should be pelting soda cans, snacks and half-eaten fruits at the screen and booing.
“to her place in the narrative”
This narrative sucks. The audience demands that the Narrator be replaced!
“grow accustomed to her situation”
This is not going to work. Probably was doomed from the start due to Yukino being aware of the Narrator’s existence.
“It was crucial that he emerged from these events unscathed. Unaltered”
Your story’s fallen apart, Narrator. It was actually going well before you stepped in. Guess you couldn’t accept that it didn’t need you to be a good read.
“Yui’s mind had been set to rest”
No, Narrator, it hasn’t. They both know something is terribly wrong, and they are not going to ignore it forever.
“the only natural reaction was to walk away, which he did”
…he knows. Or he at least has caught on that something is horribly wrong, worse than he previously thought.
“To hear one’s voice manipulated to an end they don’t agree with”
So when’s the Oregairu/Altered Carbon crossover?
“fast become a bore”

- Sherlock (2010)

“This version of her, however, was far less confrontational”
This version of her is awful, Narrator. You are a lousy writer.
“the pair now texted often”
They know, have talked about it, and are now working together to uncover the truth.
“She would act as if she had not noticed”
Which would only make him more suspicious.
“reassured her that this would not affect their friendship”
Wrong again, Narrator. This likely only made Yui even more suspicious than she was already.
“This is not my design”
Now I’m hoping that if you decide to continue this story, GOF, that it would be somewhat similar to The Good Place.

‘This is Daily Notes Log for Attempt Number 3 of my neighbourhood experiment. Obviously I hope and assume this will be the final version. No, I KNOW it will be. All the kinks have been worked out. This is the one…Okay, Attempt Number 11. Let’s focus on the positives!...Attempt 32…Attempt 57…Attempt 99…Attempt 108…(Attempt 484) I mean why even bother at this point? I’m obviously never gonna get it right. Shawn still thinks I’m on Version 2!’
- The Good Place.

“In any case, the story begins again”
Why do I get the feeling that the Narrator is going to have to restart the story over and over again?
“What a dumb concept”
I laughed at this. I don’t think the Narrator is feeling very happy right now.
“struggling to discern the reason for”
I love that he’s already noticing that this doesn’t make sense. Heck, Yui has probably noticed it as well.
“How a certain verminous love interest ruined things”
It wasn’t her who ruined it, Narrator.
“in the limits of some other power”
“reached the reality she longed for”
And now I’m imagining Yukino wielding a portal gun ala Rick & Morty.
“of a kiss, an embrace”
This just makes me want to read an Oregairu/The Good Place crossover.

“my most experimental fic yet”
Write whatever you wish to write, whenever you want to, GOF.
Except for the Yukino-and-Iroha-switch-bodies story. Get to it. (cracks whip)
“and I still don’t really know where it’s going”
This only made me smile. Also, I love that L&C already has an omake.
6/9/2022 c1 2PrestineVagueness
You wanted to know what we think about this story you've penned.

I've to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Unique ideas brought to life are what encourages me to read more. And this is a prime example.

Really nice execution. I was hooked from the beginning. The idea behind the story was conveyed perfectly well. I hope you continue writing stuff like this.

I look forward to the Love and Coffee update.
6/8/2022 c1 GuestMcGuestface

another amazing work, as always
6/6/2022 c1 Zathol
I think it was okay, it certainly gave me some thought yet there was nothing to indicate why. Why her? Why was she always feeling like she was playing a part and not others. And if her actions also changed as she tried to break her mold then wasn't the same happening to other characters who were playing their roles? Wouldn't that leave a level of wrongness in them as if the role they were playing was also somehow disrupted even if they were not aware of it like Yukino who always felt like she was being watched?

Not to mention some other implications like how extensive does that control actually go as from the point of view it only shows what is shown and not isn't. After all when we read or watch something we only see the important scenes and the ones inbetween that push things along. We don't see the meaningless things like when one uses the bathroom or cooks up a meal alone and eats unless it has some part to play with others or some scene that has something to contribute to another. So the 'author' is already show to be not all powerful here to begin with as Yukino does in fact break away from her 'directives'.

I guess I can say it only makes me wonder if we were in a similiar position what is choice. Do you have choice to decide things and if so to what extent. Then you would question why. Why are things the way they are and why does it have to be this way. If it's for my benefit then it would make sense to follow the course laid out for me yet does that mean my life has no freedom of choice? That the only option is to rebel when that freedom is taken away even if it ends up making the situation worse?

It just really come down to what speculation you can make and how far you can push the boundaries to get some measure of control. Yukino in the end went out on her own terms feeling in control as well as she could and in this case I can neither attach her 'suicide' with any actual emotions that I would normally associate it with.

Because then I question if she actually made that choice at all and if her moment of 'freedom' and 'control' were actually real and the author just written her off instead to give her that sense of relief that she had some measure of control before the end.

I can say what I took away from this would be a good idea of a story where the characters are becoming aware of being controlled in some way and they in their own ways try to find ways to break it as their 'overseer' can only dedicate so much time to watching them at any one time as it checks on others where they are aware that it is there watching them before leaving to someone else checking that they are performing whatever role it designed. I think the only comparison I could make is a movie series Final Destination.

That series focus on death and how death has a plan for everything and yet when you cheat death by not dying when and how you should have he will intervene to fix the problem; usually in sadistic or unexpected ways. Though in this case it would be trying to disrupt the intended plans that it wouldn't be able to fix things and be forced to admit defeat. It would be an interesting if difficult story to setup as you would have to plan various methods the characters would come up with to disrupt events without making their watch aware as they are only aware of being watched when he is watching them.

Interesting fic though.
5/30/2022 c1 Secretary General BllyWlly
HOLY Shit this is some fourth wall breaking crap. This is probably the only fanfic where the fourth wall breaking is actually a major part of the story. Like the main character becomes self aware and actively pursues to control their own actions. Damn, her jumping off the building is not what I was expecting. Hope Yukino finds peace somewhere in another place.

On the side note, I am quite curious what it looks like when the Service club is ran by Yui though, now that her main "rival" is practically now gone in this universe.
5/30/2022 c1 grav54
haven't read anything similar to this here and I gotta say I love it
hopefully we get to see more meta stories in this little corner of ffn
5/28/2022 c1 16Perfectcell69
By god, this was so meta. Stories like this make going through heaps of garbage for a single gem worth it.

By the way you can easily write a sequel where a self-aware Yukino gets trapped in a second story which is bad copy-paste of the canon, or alternatively completely chaotic mess where characters are twisted without any logic unlike what happened here (perceiving the observer lifelong serving as a stimulus justifying her actions).
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