for Best possible version of yourself3/2 c14 Mikepizzalover2
Hey dude Im hoping that ur still doing this story . I'm actually invested to this . I hope U post cause U have not updated this in 8 months
Hey dude Im hoping that ur still doing this story . I'm actually invested to this . I hope U post cause U have not updated this in 8 months
4/24/2023 c3 
19MahinaFable
So, this chapter is kind of wonky when it comes to tense and perspective.
It dips into present-tense from past-tense a lot. What that means is that the text will go from, as an example, "Jaune cut down the Beowulf," to "Jaune cuts down the Beowulf."
For perspective, it goes from a third-person perspective - "Jaune cuts down the Beowulf" - to a first-person perspective, as in "You cut down the Beowulf."
It's not that this is wrong, necessarily, but if this is a deliberate stylistic choice, it could use a sort of clear demarcation, so that the reader can shift gears along with the text, maybe by making a separate segment, or paragraph. Something like,
"This is how it feels to be Jaune Arc.
As the spirit of your vanquished future self guides you, your arm rises and falls, the ancient steel of Crocea Mors singing sweetly. In its wake, Grimm fall, their unholy false life torn away by the precise strikes. It is by your arm that they perish, and as you watch, an awestruck audience to your own potential, you vow that one day, you will match your future self."
Also, for dialogue, a good trick is to read a line out loud to yourself. A lot of your exposition consists of very run-on sentences. Read them aloud, and put in periods, or even action breaks, where the characters might pause to breathe.
I'm on-board with the premise, though. Your concepts are solid, it's just a little technical polish you need.
19MahinaFableSo, this chapter is kind of wonky when it comes to tense and perspective.
It dips into present-tense from past-tense a lot. What that means is that the text will go from, as an example, "Jaune cut down the Beowulf," to "Jaune cuts down the Beowulf."
For perspective, it goes from a third-person perspective - "Jaune cuts down the Beowulf" - to a first-person perspective, as in "You cut down the Beowulf."
It's not that this is wrong, necessarily, but if this is a deliberate stylistic choice, it could use a sort of clear demarcation, so that the reader can shift gears along with the text, maybe by making a separate segment, or paragraph. Something like,
"This is how it feels to be Jaune Arc.
As the spirit of your vanquished future self guides you, your arm rises and falls, the ancient steel of Crocea Mors singing sweetly. In its wake, Grimm fall, their unholy false life torn away by the precise strikes. It is by your arm that they perish, and as you watch, an awestruck audience to your own potential, you vow that one day, you will match your future self."
Also, for dialogue, a good trick is to read a line out loud to yourself. A lot of your exposition consists of very run-on sentences. Read them aloud, and put in periods, or even action breaks, where the characters might pause to breathe.
I'm on-board with the premise, though. Your concepts are solid, it's just a little technical polish you need.
3/6/2023 c11 8MogtheGnome
My dude.
Go into edit for every single one of these chapters, or whatever document you write them in.
Hit control h, for search and replace.
Search for “Phyrra”. Replace with “Pyrrha”.
Because her name is Pyrrha.
8MogtheGnomeMy dude.
Go into edit for every single one of these chapters, or whatever document you write them in.
Hit control h, for search and replace.
Search for “Phyrra”. Replace with “Pyrrha”.
Because her name is Pyrrha.
1/19/2023 c4 4Argent Energy
I'm guessing that this is the chapter when everyone stopped reading. I was wondering why this fic only had more or less than 150 faves. Guess I now know why.
The previous chapters were very well written until the Oscar bit. Too forced, too unnatural, and too sudden that I was honestly wondering what was going on.
4Argent EnergyI'm guessing that this is the chapter when everyone stopped reading. I was wondering why this fic only had more or less than 150 faves. Guess I now know why.
The previous chapters were very well written until the Oscar bit. Too forced, too unnatural, and too sudden that I was honestly wondering what was going on.
1/18/2023 c12 ArcAngel087
Enjoyed the JNPR bonding moments. I'm wondering why Neo would give future knowledge to Cinder, even if she still hates Ruby. I would think that she would be doing everything she can to get her and Roman out. Unless it's not her, hope it isn't honestly, would love to see them break away from Cinder. Maybe even work with JNPR.
Looking forward to next chapter. Long live Arkos :)
Enjoyed the JNPR bonding moments. I'm wondering why Neo would give future knowledge to Cinder, even if she still hates Ruby. I would think that she would be doing everything she can to get her and Roman out. Unless it's not her, hope it isn't honestly, would love to see them break away from Cinder. Maybe even work with JNPR.
Looking forward to next chapter. Long live Arkos :)
1/18/2023 c10 Insulted fan
I'm here about the (possibly) slightly cheating likeness of Ark.
And it's not even that he enhances other people's likenesses and souls (yes, damn it, literally souls, like he did with Penny). It's about his own aura. Somehow he can use his Aura to boost his own Aura regeneration.
In one of the episodes, with his likeness, he restored his reserve from 65% to 95%.
This cheater broke the laws of thermodynamics! Seriously, he is still kicked in the series just because otherwise he will turn into one of the strongest creatures of the current Remnant.
Can the author do something about it? I've never seen writers bother with stuff like this in other fanfiction.
I'm here about the (possibly) slightly cheating likeness of Ark.
And it's not even that he enhances other people's likenesses and souls (yes, damn it, literally souls, like he did with Penny). It's about his own aura. Somehow he can use his Aura to boost his own Aura regeneration.
In one of the episodes, with his likeness, he restored his reserve from 65% to 95%.
This cheater broke the laws of thermodynamics! Seriously, he is still kicked in the series just because otherwise he will turn into one of the strongest creatures of the current Remnant.
Can the author do something about it? I've never seen writers bother with stuff like this in other fanfiction.
11/13/2022 c6 2Qriiz
Okay, this time traveling people are starting to get superfluous.
And...
A bunch of teenagers raising a private army, while going to school? Seriously?
2QriizOkay, this time traveling people are starting to get superfluous.
And...
A bunch of teenagers raising a private army, while going to school? Seriously?
11/12/2022 c1 Qriiz
Because nowadays fairy tale is referring to those silly Disney movies, I think people called the original life lesson filled horror stories as Grimm stories.
I know someone have said "Fairy tale for the bleeding heart." to a story where the writer wrote "Love and understanding will solve the world's problems."
Because nowadays fairy tale is referring to those silly Disney movies, I think people called the original life lesson filled horror stories as Grimm stories.
I know someone have said "Fairy tale for the bleeding heart." to a story where the writer wrote "Love and understanding will solve the world's problems."
11/3/2022 c10 1ConsumedPolecat
I did enjoy this one as well. You handled the aftermath well. You showed Jaune’s panic at the possibility of casualties very well. I have no true idea how it would feel to know someone from a past life and meet them, but the way you’ve handled it makes it feel… realistic. Well done!
1ConsumedPolecatI did enjoy this one as well. You handled the aftermath well. You showed Jaune’s panic at the possibility of casualties very well. I have no true idea how it would feel to know someone from a past life and meet them, but the way you’ve handled it makes it feel… realistic. Well done!
10/28/2022 c9 ConsumedPolecat
A fine chapter. I could see the battle in my head and could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. You’ve outdone yourself.
A fine chapter. I could see the battle in my head and could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins. You’ve outdone yourself.
10/5/2022 c8 2team zephyr
sadly FFN doesnt do pictures beside profile pictures and book covers, so if your wanting to post supplementary images, then your gonna wanna post it on sites like AO3 or wattpad. but beside that, great chapter. although I do recommend using bold font for the Authors notes at the beginning and end of the chapter, because that makes a great distinction between the authors words and the words of the chapter. also, line breaks that go all the way across help in the same issue. but still, great chapter!
2team zephyrsadly FFN doesnt do pictures beside profile pictures and book covers, so if your wanting to post supplementary images, then your gonna wanna post it on sites like AO3 or wattpad. but beside that, great chapter. although I do recommend using bold font for the Authors notes at the beginning and end of the chapter, because that makes a great distinction between the authors words and the words of the chapter. also, line breaks that go all the way across help in the same issue. but still, great chapter!
9/15/2022 c6 Twilight rasengan
Could jaune use his semblance to communicate with her from a distance? I always thought his semblance was like an adaptive force multiplyer like Isse's boosted gear. Semblances make it less costly to perform certain actions like elemental affinities in naruto.
Jaune's aura amp is used to enchance aura of others, dust, sensations (therapeutic massages) and anything and everything that interacts with aura.
When used on himself and others, it is a performance enhancer. If jaune's aura is capable of adapting to the aura of others when enhancing it, would he have access to their semblance. If so, that means his semblance is about give and take. Sharing is caring, just like .
Would be great for creative sparing.
Could jaune use his semblance to communicate with her from a distance? I always thought his semblance was like an adaptive force multiplyer like Isse's boosted gear. Semblances make it less costly to perform certain actions like elemental affinities in naruto.
Jaune's aura amp is used to enchance aura of others, dust, sensations (therapeutic massages) and anything and everything that interacts with aura.
When used on himself and others, it is a performance enhancer. If jaune's aura is capable of adapting to the aura of others when enhancing it, would he have access to their semblance. If so, that means his semblance is about give and take. Sharing is caring, just like .
Would be great for creative sparing.
9/10/2022 c7 Twilight rasengan
This could be a good way for jaune and company to learn various forms of combat so they don't become copies of their past selves and they don't need to step of rwbys toes to stay relevent while keeping the story fresh. Especially if they get the faunus to join so they can get the scoop on the white fang and recover the dust with minimal casualties and high arrests which would mean less pressure on the faunus who are not terrorists ( that is what they are and Blake was invited to act as a propaganda piece unknowingly).
I wonder why sienna Khan never thought to turn the white fang into a pmc as well as accept human sympathizers? She would have gotten more positive publicity. No matter what Blake says, the fact that the white fang didnt have any humans in the ranks paints a paint a negative picture to the public. Their practices run in opposition of what they preach.
This could be a good way for jaune and company to learn various forms of combat so they don't become copies of their past selves and they don't need to step of rwbys toes to stay relevent while keeping the story fresh. Especially if they get the faunus to join so they can get the scoop on the white fang and recover the dust with minimal casualties and high arrests which would mean less pressure on the faunus who are not terrorists ( that is what they are and Blake was invited to act as a propaganda piece unknowingly).
I wonder why sienna Khan never thought to turn the white fang into a pmc as well as accept human sympathizers? She would have gotten more positive publicity. No matter what Blake says, the fact that the white fang didnt have any humans in the ranks paints a paint a negative picture to the public. Their practices run in opposition of what they preach.
8/30/2022 c7 Aelmellin
Another enjoyable chapter. A good showing to bring up how Salem was setting up everything for Cinder to support her plan or take advantage of it, whichever was warranted. Really shows just how intelligent you are making her as an antagonist and I very much appreciate that. Kind of Surprising how accepting Jaune and Oscar were of Whitley but it wasn't enough to suspend my suspension of disbelief for the story but it did bring up a number of questions that I hope get answered in future chapters. Like why Whitley was there and why he seemed so interested in Jaunes proposal. Probably a small POV from his side would help explain that easier than to figure it out some other way. But I do like what you are doing with his character in regards to how he actually appears to want to be helpful and a good character, just rife with rumor against him. And now a small man crush on Jaune? or something more? or a false flag as a young boy who hasn't had any good male role models and now has one that has proven to be protective of him and supportive as well? meh, we'll see how it all goes and what character growth comes of it all.
oh, and RUBY! She has the hints and dreams but not the full memories! Oh I so can't wait to see where you take that! Thanks for the previous response and apologies for the misspellings I missed in my speed to write. Your doing great so far and am definitely enjoying it still!
Another enjoyable chapter. A good showing to bring up how Salem was setting up everything for Cinder to support her plan or take advantage of it, whichever was warranted. Really shows just how intelligent you are making her as an antagonist and I very much appreciate that. Kind of Surprising how accepting Jaune and Oscar were of Whitley but it wasn't enough to suspend my suspension of disbelief for the story but it did bring up a number of questions that I hope get answered in future chapters. Like why Whitley was there and why he seemed so interested in Jaunes proposal. Probably a small POV from his side would help explain that easier than to figure it out some other way. But I do like what you are doing with his character in regards to how he actually appears to want to be helpful and a good character, just rife with rumor against him. And now a small man crush on Jaune? or something more? or a false flag as a young boy who hasn't had any good male role models and now has one that has proven to be protective of him and supportive as well? meh, we'll see how it all goes and what character growth comes of it all.
oh, and RUBY! She has the hints and dreams but not the full memories! Oh I so can't wait to see where you take that! Thanks for the previous response and apologies for the misspellings I missed in my speed to write. Your doing great so far and am definitely enjoying it still!