for Fragile Sword8/24/2022 c2 
1Masterflatter
This chapter was better then the first but there is still room for improvement,
the most glaring issue I found with this chapter was how much of an info dump it was rather then an actual chapter you have basically summarized a lot of information that shirou got by just one or two paragraph. Things like that should be things he finds gradually and over time
you should also show him properly talking to the villagers and getting the information from them and being surprised or confused by it,
next is the time progression, shirou stays in this village for a few days but it doesn't feel like that because of how quick the chapter was what I think you should have done is expand the chapter more and show him getting used to a place that isn't his home, after all shirou has never been outside of japan and now he is suddenly in a medieval style village he should have more of a culture clash and be unused to the ways that they live in comparison to his, in fact you could even show shirou trying to help them by explaining ways that are from his time.
And try to show shirou getting used to lifestyle of the village and adapting to living there used to it,
Next I think you should have shown shirou fighting these minsters and realize how difficult it is to fight them and start training or something along those line or make him notice weird they are, these moments would be perfect place for you to make him start suspecting that he is maybe in another world or even make him suspect that he was transported through time
I'm sorry if this came of as a rant, its not meant to be a rant and I'm actually really interested in your story and I want to see you improve on this story.
that's all again sorry if this comes off overbearing or overcritical.
1MasterflatterThis chapter was better then the first but there is still room for improvement,
the most glaring issue I found with this chapter was how much of an info dump it was rather then an actual chapter you have basically summarized a lot of information that shirou got by just one or two paragraph. Things like that should be things he finds gradually and over time
you should also show him properly talking to the villagers and getting the information from them and being surprised or confused by it,
next is the time progression, shirou stays in this village for a few days but it doesn't feel like that because of how quick the chapter was what I think you should have done is expand the chapter more and show him getting used to a place that isn't his home, after all shirou has never been outside of japan and now he is suddenly in a medieval style village he should have more of a culture clash and be unused to the ways that they live in comparison to his, in fact you could even show shirou trying to help them by explaining ways that are from his time.
And try to show shirou getting used to lifestyle of the village and adapting to living there used to it,
Next I think you should have shown shirou fighting these minsters and realize how difficult it is to fight them and start training or something along those line or make him notice weird they are, these moments would be perfect place for you to make him start suspecting that he is maybe in another world or even make him suspect that he was transported through time
I'm sorry if this came of as a rant, its not meant to be a rant and I'm actually really interested in your story and I want to see you improve on this story.
that's all again sorry if this comes off overbearing or overcritical.
8/21/2022 c2 Guest
Please use the double apostrophe when a character speaks.
Please use the double apostrophe when a character speaks.
8/11/2022 c1 4Kurama The Platinum Zoroark
So this takes place right after Lancer/Cu Chulainn pierced Shirou with his Gao bolg right? I wonder when he inevitably meets the Zora if he'll suffer some PTSD induced panic attack, considering the Zora specialize in using pole arms it would be an actual concern.
4Kurama The Platinum ZoroarkSo this takes place right after Lancer/Cu Chulainn pierced Shirou with his Gao bolg right? I wonder when he inevitably meets the Zora if he'll suffer some PTSD induced panic attack, considering the Zora specialize in using pole arms it would be an actual concern.
8/11/2022 c1 1Masterflatter
I like your idea but I feel like there is little characterization for shirou here.
For example in the beginning of the chapter shirou wakes up in a place unfamiliar to him and immediately decides that he should not panic.
which is good and something that he would probably do but the fact that he didn't immediately panic before calming down is a bit of a stretch in my opinion I think what you should have done is show him panicking slightly then have him calm down.
Also is he not going to wonder about taiga or even sakura since this is shirou before the grail war they would periodically come to his house for there own reasons, shouldn't he be worried that they might have also been kidnapped or wonder if they noticed his disappearance?
1MasterflatterI like your idea but I feel like there is little characterization for shirou here.
For example in the beginning of the chapter shirou wakes up in a place unfamiliar to him and immediately decides that he should not panic.
which is good and something that he would probably do but the fact that he didn't immediately panic before calming down is a bit of a stretch in my opinion I think what you should have done is show him panicking slightly then have him calm down.
Also is he not going to wonder about taiga or even sakura since this is shirou before the grail war they would periodically come to his house for there own reasons, shouldn't he be worried that they might have also been kidnapped or wonder if they noticed his disappearance?