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1/24 c13 Guest
Is Ron supposed to be under a spell or something? His every action, since his intro in this story, isn’t a human reaction. He makes no sense. Jealousy is one thing, but he’s not even a human character exhibiting jealousy… he’s an angry cartoon supervillain that does things without a reason that makes sense.
1/24 c12 Guest
Chapter 12 reads like the wish fulfillment fantasy of a boy trapped in the friend zone, imagining all the things that put him there were the things that would somehow get him out instead. Lol yeah you can tell this was written in your teens, as you pointed out.

I also want to point out how impossible at times, and always uncomfortably contorted Harry and Fleur whenever they sit touching each other. The arms, combine with head positions are so impossible and alarming, I’m pulled right out of the story every time. The worst offender was the chapter when they fell asleep on the couch. Before the got that final position, at one point you wrote Fleur’s head somehow upside down on Harry’s chest (based on cheek position) while the rest of her was right side up.

I hate to say that I’m still reading this for the unintended laughs, rather than the intended ones. Please stop the running joke where everyone just says his names. It doesn’t land.
1/24 c11 Guest
Pensive memory is really getting shared around as of chapter 9, also mentioned up to at least 11. The delacours have their own… which is odd. Previous chapter, Flyer made a point that Harry would have to bust out insane amounts of money to get one for them to use… so expensive that he canned his joke. But there was a family pensive that everyone knew about all along?

I swear you start fresh every chapter by blacking out any memory of previous ones.
1/24 c10 Guest
Made it to chapter 10.
Thinking to the beginning of this story, it was Harry doing the impossible to save his godfather. 10 chapters later, and Sirius hasn’t made a mention since. Lupin of all people was mentioned dueling Harry (though only mentioned a few times and never shown on page). But Sirius Black has been completely forgotten.

Also, stop with the all caps, especially the running not-really-a-gag-even “Harry Potter” people say in unison. It falls flat every time, and gets worse the more I read it.
1/24 c9 Guest
Still enjoying the story at chapter 9, though concerned it’s headed toward crack-fic, as all character responses to Harry are becoming over the top, repeated phrases, or extreme cap-lock.

It seems you may struggle with time. As in, how long it takes for a series of actions to take place. For example, Ginny feel from the height of a quidditch hoop. In that time, Harry planned, noticed other reactions. Summoned a broom, noted it was too slow, compensated. He ran multiple steps before casting two spells. The first fired, hit, moved crates, and settled the remains enough for Harry to notice it was worse. He then pondered and cast another spell that slowed her fall for a moment… then… Ginny fell for 4 to 5 seconds. Just how high up are these hoops she fell from?

Finally, back to the extreme reactions headed toward crack-fic. Based on the seriousness of the abuse chapters, Fleur should be considered terrible and toxic. She verbally insults the branded “freak,” with terms like “idiot.” She is also noted for never complimenting without also insulting the very traumatized teen. When in his presence, she hits him several times, slaps him in the face and elbows him. It’s like you forget what you write from one chapter to the next. Hence the crack-fic extremes we have to ignore for the next event written.
1/23 c4 Guest
The black book memory chapters reads like a different story than the previous chapters. This heavily rewrites Harry’s history in a way that wasn’t so heavily handed before. Also, it implies Dumbledore is evil, using memory charms on Harry in first year, and possibly other people as Harry grew, meaning he was also well aware of the exact kind of abuse he went through.
That version of Dumbledore and the one you wrote making an unbreakable vow, cannot be the same person or he’d be dead. He’s said that the extent of what Harry went through was a surprise to him.
1/18 c11 SMB
Piss off with the f**king creature inheritances crap! I've let a lot go in this story and didn't comment on a lot of the stupidity, like the extra non-canon events and quiddich league garbage that's wasted so much time. You gave Krum a completely stupid creature bloodline, just so he can resist an allure that he never had trouble with in canon. It's the most moronic thing I've read from you so far.

You made Krum into a disgusting rapist for no reason and I'm really surprised you haven't tied him into the veela slaver ring right away. I know you're going to have him say something stupid like his father was disappointed to lose his ready supply of whores. That's how sick minds like yours think.
F**king moron.

I completely predicted that Fleur would avoid Harry when he reached Hogwarts, because you really are a moron and I chose the stupidest outcome. Plot devices are supposed to be used to make sense, not be thrown around to wreck the story and destroy any sense of disbelief.

You made me feel like I've wasted all my time reading this crap. That's never a good thing.
1/17 c15 4Wackuhdoodle
Plot hole moment. Her minor did see his scars, when he first revealed them to Madam Pomphrey since she was the only one he trusted at the time
1/17 c1 Idrinktomuch10
Wow, you made him god tier from a magic standpoint. I really don’t understand how there can be any meaningful conflict at this point to keep the story engaging.
1/16 c17 KB4RC
By the way, this is a great story. I did spot a mistake though as his second Lordship is Peverell with two L's.
1/16 c18 2Shran
This is really fascinating, an excellent an plausible take on the whole veela bonding thing - I'm really enjoying how you are developing this one. Also very much looking forward to when Harry kurb stomps Krum, you've made him as creepy as hell :)
1/16 c18 2Xerzo LotCN
Welp that dealt with

Also really adorable time with their family lol

Also harry you got to think the previous lord had training from birth and were adults
your a teenager with no true training so of course it makes sense its mean something that you can with that set back

But God is ron an idiot

Though it been funny as hell if harry name popped out a second time to so show something was up lol

I'm still bewildered wormtail can do what he did

Rip off screen lemon not even in the side fic lol
1/16 c3 Archleone
There's still an issue of way too much over-sharing about Harry's personal business. I also think it's kind of weird that they're interrupting their lunch (and Harry has a massive amount of food to get through), just so they can satisfy their curiosity and have Harry essentially be their mealtime entertainment show pony by casting magic. Guy literally just said that he hasn't been casting magic because he's focusing on controlling himself, and everyone at the table went "do it anyway :)".

Even if you really wanted Harry to show off his magic to impress the Delacourts (for some reason), it would have made more sense to wait until after everyone was done eating. You even go out of your way to make Harry seem all dramatic and physically uncomfortable from his growing pains, so it should be even more apparent to everyone that their request was really rude and inappropriate. The man is trying to eat, he feels like shit, he's embarrassed, and he doesn't even know most of the people he's sharing a table with beyond the couple hours he's been there.

Besides that, I think you really do have an info dump/wall of text problem in general. There's so much over-explaining, all the time. Like with the rambling on and on about Appoline's allure. He basically mansplains what her own allure is like, when all she asked was what it visually looked like to him out of curiosity.

I think you need to learn that just because a character has a thought or an idea, you really don't need them to verbalize every little bit of it to the characters around them. Harry is going to have access to a lot of information. A lot of it will be personal information of other people. The best thing for him to do is absolutely to keep back like 99% of that information to himself and pretend he has no idea, otherwise everyone will start to hate him for constantly invading their privacy and then also talking about it just so he can be really cringe about it then apologize to show how much of a nice boy he is.

Another issue I've noticed is that Harry knows too much for no real discernable reason? Like, why is he cracking jokes about Victor Krum when he's not supposed to learn who he is until Ron tells him during the canon 4th year summer, leading up to the Quidditch World Cup? Why does Harry even know what Amortentia is or what it would feel like? It feels like you're writing Harry with the mindset that this is like "The baseline canon Harry who has had all these experiences from the books that I can refer back to" but like, this is Harry just after the end of Book 3. He should still be very ignorant at this stage. All he's done is study mind magic recently, which doesn't suddenly inform him about random love potions, celebrities, and pop culture references.

I think you even got his age wrong at some point. Harry should still be 13, but you said he broke his bindings at 14. That should be wrong unless there was something about you aging him and his friends up a year to bring him closer to Fleur's age somewhere that I missed.

I also feel like Harry constantly talking about how he's blushing is less cute and becomes more creepy every time he mentions it. And the less said about how creepy the stuff with Gabrielle is, the better. There's a little too much "she's so perfect and cute and innocent" which got even weirder with the "she's going to use you to make her puberty easier as she grows into her seduction magic. You're basically a free sponge for her horny beams and you toootally won't be weird about it, so isn't that great?" I'm not saying that sounds like something a lolicon would write, but I'm not not saying that either. There was even a bonus "tackle hug" at the end of Harry's first visit to the Delacourts for the road. It's pretty weird, my guy.

You even had Appoline double down and tell the literal child to "give him all she's got", and have th celebrate and declare she's determined to charm this older boy. It really stopped being cute by that point. And it's not like Harry volunteered for any of this, they're just using him for their own convenience and to save some money. He was basically put in a situation where he couldn't say no without looking rude.

It's kind of funny though, that even after Harry left, Dumbledore stayed behind to continue leaking hot gossip about Harry and spreading more of his personal information.

I don't really give a shit about Snape, but I do think it's really uncharacteristic for him to be so stupid as to try to kill Harry with a potion, when he knows 100% it would be traced back to him by (as far as he knows at the time) the strongest surviving wizard in the nation. Because he was literally told by said wizard to go administer a potion to the boy, so if Harry died as would have been the expected result of swapping the potion given for something far more potent, Snape would be the only suspect. He's a pro potions boy, so it's not like he could claim incompetence. He used a banned recipe that's been out of favor for several times longer than he had even been alive at that point.

If Snape killed the Wizard Savior, Dumbledore would have absolutely killed him. And no one would have ever found the body.

I want to like this story because the power fantasy nature of it does make me kind of nostalgic, but it's been while since I've read much fan fiction, and so the weirder and honestly more cringe aspects of it are way more glaring now than they used to be.

I think, between you and me, this story could really use a whole-ass rewrite. You need to look at it through the lens of "is this writing actually decent? Do the actions taken by the characters actually make sense?" because it seems like a lot of the stranger things in this story are justified as being something you just happened to enjoy at the time when writing it for your own personal viewing. But, you know, you've uploaded it to the internet now for many others to see. And you're even taking monetary donations for your writing now. There has to be a higher standard you hold yourself to now. The donations thing is already pretty gross in my eyes, but I'm old school enough that I remember when it was very intentional that people didn't make money from fan fiction to avoid getting sued. The "you're donating to me for my time and because you like me :) :) ;) ;)" excuse is paper thin.

You need to look at it with fresh eyes and not just keep things the same because it was something you liked. If the only metric that needed to be satisfied was "I like it", then you could have any manner of random nonsense happen at any time, just because you like it. No need for a plot, just have Harry summon a mech to take Gabrielle to a planet of giant bunnies made of cotton candy, and have the Bunny Lord kill off Voldemort for him.

Anyway, I'll give the story a couple more chapters to see if I end up liking it more, but so far it's been pretty rough. Which is a shame, because as I stated earlier, I do like power fantasies where Harry is very special and powerful. Fleur/Harry is also a nice bonus to that, because she's one of my usual favorite matches for Harry.
1/16 c2 Archleone
I do think that the massive backstory info dump needs to be removed or significantly cut down. In its current state, it's way too much personal information that's not strictly necessary. It's also told in a pretty melodramatic fashion while Harry just sits there mostly silent and very embarrassed.

The Delacourts, strictly speaking, only really need to know that Harry is a very powerful young man who has recently undergone a change that has led to his powers being out of his control. Maybe you could even give the very basic overview of "Someone tried to fuck him over by using this super illegal potion, and he managed to survive but as a result he now has no control over his aura after finally breaking free from the effects of that potion." That's all they really need. More detail is too personal, and is also something that can be shared in pieces over time as he grows to trust who I assume will one day become his in-laws. They know what the potion is. They should be smart enough where they don't need to be spoon-fed Harry's life story to know that there's no way that the potion treated him nicely and he must have suffered. That's enough to have an emotional reaction towards.

As for Fleur, less information will make her anger and irritation more understandable. It would also justify her curiosity towards Harry. As it stands, she just got info-dumped like 95% of all of his information, so her being pissy that she's missing that last 5% doesn't really make a lot of sense and just makes her seem like a spoiled and unreasonable bitch.

That's all just from a story perspective. From a reading/writing perspective, the massive info dump is straight up a slightly altered repeat of the bulk of what was discussed in the previous chapter. The reader doesn't need or really want that. It's repetitious and there's a few times where I audibly asked "Why? Why do they need to know this? And we JUST covered this in the last chapter." Like, why do these strangers need to know the state of his private mental protections? Seeing as this is only chapter 2, it's kind of setting a bad precedent.

Besides all of that, I do think Harry is a little too meek, submissive, and apologetic to everyone, but maybe that'll change as he gets more control over himself. A pet peeve of mine with HP fan fiction is how often people like to default to Harry always taking the blame for everything and constantly apologizing over basically nothing 99% of the time. Dude needs some self-respect and self-awareness.
1/15 c18 SKFF
Great work!
Really keen to see how Fleur’s father reacts to the news, as well as the rest of the school I suppose.
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