for A Quiverful of Stories6/22 c8 
2k+Hawki
-“…with an unreadable expression on his face. His brother wore the same unreadable expression.”
This reads awkwardly as you have “unreadable expression” back to back.
-“…out of bed last night.” Fabian said…
Should be a comma after “night” rather than a full stop.
-Overall, this is decent, but it could be better. Per your author’s note, yes, I can tell that the last part was rushed, but the thing is, the entire piece feels rushed. It feels like it’s one draft short of being a stand-out.
Still, there’s actually quite a bit to like about it. The dialogue flows well, and you do a good job of having alternating dialogue with Gideon and Fabian. Also, that Arthur is doing Muggle Studies is noted and makes sense.
So, decent job, just could have been better.
2k+Hawki-“…with an unreadable expression on his face. His brother wore the same unreadable expression.”
This reads awkwardly as you have “unreadable expression” back to back.
-“…out of bed last night.” Fabian said…
Should be a comma after “night” rather than a full stop.
-Overall, this is decent, but it could be better. Per your author’s note, yes, I can tell that the last part was rushed, but the thing is, the entire piece feels rushed. It feels like it’s one draft short of being a stand-out.
Still, there’s actually quite a bit to like about it. The dialogue flows well, and you do a good job of having alternating dialogue with Gideon and Fabian. Also, that Arthur is doing Muggle Studies is noted and makes sense.
So, decent job, just could have been better.
6/18 c6 20shaddowsong
This is crazy and dysfunctional Bellatrix and Rodolphus at its best. I think you added a lot of good details to emphasize Bellatrix's priorities and her madness. Her lust is most of all for power and those who show it. It's fascinating to see Rodulphus's mix of revulsion and utter fascination with her.
20shaddowsongThis is crazy and dysfunctional Bellatrix and Rodolphus at its best. I think you added a lot of good details to emphasize Bellatrix's priorities and her madness. Her lust is most of all for power and those who show it. It's fascinating to see Rodulphus's mix of revulsion and utter fascination with her.
5/27 c7 2k+Hawki
-Wait, if Demelza is 13 (placing this c. 1997), and Flint's 19, a) what's he doing in Hogwarts, and b) wouldn't this place this during Voldemort's takeover? I ask because there's no mention of the wider conditions that would (presumably) exist at the school at this point.
-That aside, can't say too much. It fits the theme well enough, but the short length undercuts things. Writing's fine in of itself, but the short length reduces the impact of the climax.
2k+Hawki-Wait, if Demelza is 13 (placing this c. 1997), and Flint's 19, a) what's he doing in Hogwarts, and b) wouldn't this place this during Voldemort's takeover? I ask because there's no mention of the wider conditions that would (presumably) exist at the school at this point.
-That aside, can't say too much. It fits the theme well enough, but the short length undercuts things. Writing's fine in of itself, but the short length reduces the impact of the climax.
5/1 c6 Hawki
-Nice take on pureblood ‘culture’ (so to speak) towards the start.
-“HOW DARE YOU?” She screamed angrily.
Can cut out “angrily” – it’s clear from the words/font that she’s angry.
-On the subject of Bellatrix herself, it feels true to her character that she’s besotted by the torture.
-Capitalization’s off in a number of areas when it comes to dialogue. For instance, “Crucio!” she screamed should be “Crucio!” She screamed, since the dialogue’s not ending with a comma.
-Chapter’s okay.
-Nice take on pureblood ‘culture’ (so to speak) towards the start.
-“HOW DARE YOU?” She screamed angrily.
Can cut out “angrily” – it’s clear from the words/font that she’s angry.
-On the subject of Bellatrix herself, it feels true to her character that she’s besotted by the torture.
-Capitalization’s off in a number of areas when it comes to dialogue. For instance, “Crucio!” she screamed should be “Crucio!” She screamed, since the dialogue’s not ending with a comma.
-Chapter’s okay.
4/23 c5 Hawki
Chapter’s fine.
Sorry, can’t really say more. It’s…fine. Writing is fine, characters are fine, it’s…fine. Just can’t comment on any particular aspect for better or worse.
Chapter’s fine.
Sorry, can’t really say more. It’s…fine. Writing is fine, characters are fine, it’s…fine. Just can’t comment on any particular aspect for better or worse.
4/13 c4 20shaddowsong
I think you filled the prompts well. I have doubts she's ever going to fully succeed because her working conditions seems terrible, and everyone should know that a well ventilated and clean working station are needed for adequate potion brewing. Loved the Icarus moment and the cake smash. She really is lucky the bride didn't stab her. Kudos for not adding gore to that splash. And I can't quite tell whether Alice is awkward or arrogant, but it's hilarious either way. I wonder how long it will take for the hotel to kick her out.
20shaddowsongI think you filled the prompts well. I have doubts she's ever going to fully succeed because her working conditions seems terrible, and everyone should know that a well ventilated and clean working station are needed for adequate potion brewing. Loved the Icarus moment and the cake smash. She really is lucky the bride didn't stab her. Kudos for not adding gore to that splash. And I can't quite tell whether Alice is awkward or arrogant, but it's hilarious either way. I wonder how long it will take for the hotel to kick her out.
4/3 c4 2k+Hawki
-"...else's wedding. but it was something at least."
"But" should be capitalized.
-Overall, piece is decent. I can't say too much for better or worse, but still, decent. It's probably the strongest piece so far. Has decent setup and payoff.
2k+Hawki-"...else's wedding. but it was something at least."
"But" should be capitalized.
-Overall, piece is decent. I can't say too much for better or worse, but still, decent. It's probably the strongest piece so far. Has decent setup and payoff.
3/21 c3 20shaddowsong
Feels unfinished, but you already knew that. Great characterization of Padma and Ron. I think it has a lot of potential if you ever decide to expand it, even if only to a longer one-shot. Good job.
20shaddowsongFeels unfinished, but you already knew that. Great characterization of Padma and Ron. I think it has a lot of potential if you ever decide to expand it, even if only to a longer one-shot. Good job.
3/21 c3 2k+Hawki
-Nice reference to tea leaves at the start.
-While not a major gripe, you often have the two nodding "sympathetically," with that exact term. Bring it up as it's an adverb, and like most adverbs, sticks out like a sore thumb.
-There's also Padma's tirade to Ron. It's not bad per se, but it's a lot of exposition given very quickly.
-"Ron chuckled in amusement."
Can cut out "in amusement" - he's chuckling, it's already clear he's amused.
-Overall, the piece is okay. Per your author's note, it does come across like you ran out of time. What's also notable is that it has the two characters discussing things outside the room they're in, rather than showing them. As in, a lot of things going on come across as more relevant than the characters themselves (sort of). But the interaction in of itself is fine.
2k+Hawki-Nice reference to tea leaves at the start.
-While not a major gripe, you often have the two nodding "sympathetically," with that exact term. Bring it up as it's an adverb, and like most adverbs, sticks out like a sore thumb.
-There's also Padma's tirade to Ron. It's not bad per se, but it's a lot of exposition given very quickly.
-"Ron chuckled in amusement."
Can cut out "in amusement" - he's chuckling, it's already clear he's amused.
-Overall, the piece is okay. Per your author's note, it does come across like you ran out of time. What's also notable is that it has the two characters discussing things outside the room they're in, rather than showing them. As in, a lot of things going on come across as more relevant than the characters themselves (sort of). But the interaction in of itself is fine.
3/3 c2 20shaddowsong
On one hand, this is absolutely hilarious. Ron's fear of spiders is something most people can laugh about. I enjoyed him psyching himself up by listing his accolades and the tougher things he had faced. On the other hands, I think this is a very good examination of fear and phobia. He knows it isn't rational but he can't help it. The physical reactions were also spot on.
20shaddowsongOn one hand, this is absolutely hilarious. Ron's fear of spiders is something most people can laugh about. I enjoyed him psyching himself up by listing his accolades and the tougher things he had faced. On the other hands, I think this is a very good examination of fear and phobia. He knows it isn't rational but he can't help it. The physical reactions were also spot on.
2/24 c2 2k+Hawki
-"Even in the Wizarding world..."
Should be "Wizarding World" or "wizarding world."
-"...of being Harry Potters..."
Should be "Potter's."
-Peh, poser. Ron should try living in Australia, I have to get spiders out of the house every other week or so. :P
-Overall, piece is decent. Does a decent job of capturing Ron's arachaphobia, even in later years. Nice job.
2k+Hawki-"Even in the Wizarding world..."
Should be "Wizarding World" or "wizarding world."
-"...of being Harry Potters..."
Should be "Potter's."
-Peh, poser. Ron should try living in Australia, I have to get spiders out of the house every other week or so. :P
-Overall, piece is decent. Does a decent job of capturing Ron's arachaphobia, even in later years. Nice job.
2/21 c1 20shaddowsong
I'm intrigued by this idea, but I have so many questions. Why are they performing these experiments? Why did they choose Lucy and Su Li? It feels more like a chunk of a story, rather than a complete story itself.
There's also a spot where it says "Still it was one thing to read about it and another to experience it" indicating that this was Lucy's first time. Toward the end, however, she says, "The memories were a lot shorter this time" and "she rolled her shoulders and tried to remove the stiffness from them. This was always her least favorite part.." That implies she's done this several times. I'm not sure what to think.
20shaddowsongI'm intrigued by this idea, but I have so many questions. Why are they performing these experiments? Why did they choose Lucy and Su Li? It feels more like a chunk of a story, rather than a complete story itself.
There's also a spot where it says "Still it was one thing to read about it and another to experience it" indicating that this was Lucy's first time. Toward the end, however, she says, "The memories were a lot shorter this time" and "she rolled her shoulders and tried to remove the stiffness from them. This was always her least favorite part.." That implies she's done this several times. I'm not sure what to think.
2/17 c1 2k+Hawki
"Quiverful?" Not sure what quivers have to do with quidditch, but okay. 0_0
-Good visual imagery at the start.
-It's effective writing as to how the interrogators repeat their lines.
-So I'm assuming that this experiment is an alternative to using pevensieves?
-The 'flash sequence' is done effectively.
-Ending is okay.
-Overall, the piece is decent. One of your better pieces in awhile.
2k+Hawki"Quiverful?" Not sure what quivers have to do with quidditch, but okay. 0_0
-Good visual imagery at the start.
-It's effective writing as to how the interrogators repeat their lines.
-So I'm assuming that this experiment is an alternative to using pevensieves?
-The 'flash sequence' is done effectively.
-Ending is okay.
-Overall, the piece is decent. One of your better pieces in awhile.
2/17 c1 12StoriesForTheMature
I like this idea. The ability to see people's memories is quite interesting. Thank you for the read.
12StoriesForTheMatureI like this idea. The ability to see people's memories is quite interesting. Thank you for the read.