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7/2 c12 12Time of Rapture
Damn. Alright, well I'll leave a quick review as I went through a dozen chapters at this point. I really wanted to like this, and for all intents and purposes, I'm sure you have a pretty decent story here cooked up.

Additionally, I acknowledge that you're trying to have this story be a slow burn.

However I agree with previous complaints that the story I think is going a bit too slow - to the degree that it lulls and gets a bit boring. But rather than just leave that criticism and then give you no advise, I'll break down what I feel the issue with the story is in these early chapters (for me).


Stories live and die by their protagonists - and the actions that they take. Particularly so in these OC style fanfictions where the story is often centered on them in the first place.

I feel my issue with the story was just a general lack of momentum and the protagonist taking a proactive stance in the narrative. There has been a lot of essentially waiting around and time biding. The prison arc and waiting for the breakout is a decent example of this. He waits around so long for something to happen that by the time he is making the proclamation that he is going to oppose the world government - you scarcely want to believe it - because he didn't really do much to take an active stance to truly change his circumstances.

I'll contrast this with a couple more typical heroes journey stories. Lets say Harry Potter or Star Wars.

You start off with a boy, generally down on his luck that has greater aspirations for the world.

They get a glimpse of that grander world, but perhaps they deny the call to adventure.

Then a mentor comes along, and says that they have potential, and its in their capability to achieve greatness.

(Somewhere at this point, I believe your story dragged)

The character then answers the call.

I think if you were going to go back and rewrite this story at least its early chapters. If you actually had Henry trying to do something about getting out of the jail rather than waiting around, it would read better. Perhaps if Hancock was held in a different cell - and then he realizes he wants to ally himself with Hancock for who she becomes in the future - and then he has to find a way to get into her cell to talk to her?

Just something with Henry trying to make moves in a direction that ultimately feel like he is trying to work towards something. Training is a given in a gamer genre. But you don't have the benefit of Solo Leveling for example where your protagonist is having to learn about the world at the same time as learning about the system. Your protagonist already has an understanding of both - so he can't get the benefit of just exploring the system being forward moment - he needs to be working towards something. And it really felt like he wasn't, which made things feel very slow in my eyes.

But good luck with the story. I really wanted to like this, particularly given Gamer in the South Blue.

Since you mentioned that.

The transition from a character that can barely read enough books in a year to first setting out and answering the call to adventure in the first chapter or whatever is felt.
6/1 c14 Zamasu black
This is a very good story and I look forward to reading the next chapter when it becomes available. Is boa hancock going to join the training as well because I would think that she would like to be stronger and master her haki abilities
5/24 c14 5intata
Dang this is good. Took 80k words to get some actual progression tho. You’re moving extremely slow on that front, but your characters, interactions, and world development are fantastic.
5/17 c14 1Irish Potatoes17
really enjoying this story so far
5/13 c14 MDM11
Amazing chapter, I honestly can’t wait for more, Ngl my favorite arc is Impel Down as it reintroduced a lot of former villains and I’m a big fan of the former villains becoming Allies trope and finally Kendrick vs Drake was a fight it was a one sided slaughter and now that the receipts have surfaced and ntm Drake fucked himself up in The Heart Part 6 by not only going with the bars about Kendrick getting his info from idiots and them saying he planted the info hence calling himself an idiot ntm him bringing up Millie Bobby Brown when nobody was talking about her and he clearly had a very weird relationship with her considering he was texting her saying I miss you when she was 14 and he was 31 among other things
5/10 c14 Thelazyimmortal
Maaan I both hate and love that I caught up in a day, anyways awesome book so far, can definitely see the Game of Shadows inspiration and I like a lot.
My favorite arc would have to be Baroque Works, Alabasta from beginning to end had me enraptured
5/9 c14 26vtorx
you know I am still confused. what does Henry think about Luffy? Because to me it's funny that all those things Henry's adamant about: his freedom and a middle finger to profercy. Luffy doesn't care about that one bit.

Although this is just me hoping that Henry and Luffy doesn't, come into blows with Luffy in the future.

anyways, what's gonna be Henry laugh tone?
5/8 c13 LOSTxWo1f
You know what would be funny? If Mihawk is such a beast at sailing because he uses Conqueror's Haki to calm any storms, so his boat gets through the oceans no problem. I mean, if he has Conqueror's haki.
5/6 c14 Guest
glad Henry finally recovered
5/6 c14 Guest
5/8 c14 1Jonakiller
Rejoice, you truly know how to cook!
I just cant get enough of this story, great work!
5/7 c14 Xenoblade899
man whats going on here? I was just listening to not like us a few minutes ago I then hop on the app to read this fic and I see people talking about drake's beef with kendric.
5/7 c14 1TyrTheTaur
Dude idk if this was published before or after drake released his response, but ngl it’s clear that no matter which ghost writer he hires, Drake is just fish food now
5/6 c14 1Sanas22
As someone from near Toronto, Drake's latest track against just killed my mood regarding this beef. Like why would you with come back with a Twitter conspiracy track against 'Not Like Us' and then saying, Imma out.

Brudda 2 tracks ago you were asking, no demanding all the heat, now you wanna go on a vacation? Get the fk out of here.
5/6 c14 conwear267
Thanks for the chapter.
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