for The Luckiest DnD Player5/18 c23 Borello
very strange work
very strange work
5/17 c23 Guest
I LOVE THIS
I LOVE THIS
5/17 c21 Guest
At the rate this is going I’m expecting Naruto’s luck to end with Liba worshipping him in some way. XD
At the rate this is going I’m expecting Naruto’s luck to end with Liba worshipping him in some way. XD
5/18 c23 
2iloveM.A.D.B
I hope you make a more serious Naruto x DxD crossover one day. This concept is okay, I guess, and you carry it out in an interesting way, but it’s really hard to get attached to the characters because they feel more like caricatures, which is pretty sad.
I’d say the system has become more of an annoyance than a funny joke—at least from my perspective. What made it funny at first were the misunderstandings, but once Naruto started weaponizing it, the humor started fading. It now feels like a way for you to fix or rectify any issue without having to delve deeply into characters, scenery, or fights. It’s like an anticlimactic roller coaster.
My favorite parts of the story are the ones where the system just isn’t present—when the women in Naruto’s life felt like independent characters. That’s one of the biggest problems with harem stories: once a character falls in love, they often become a subservient drone to the main character. They’re no longer interesting to watch.
Relationships have nuance, and even though you as the author know they’ll end up together, you can still create a great story without sacrificing good comedy. Actually, I’d argue that a cohesive story makes the comedy even better.
Instead of giving Naruto a system that benefits him, what if it forced him to crawl out of the dirt, the mud, and the chaos? Not just conveniently unlucky—but permanently unlucky, with deep debuffs. That would make every win feel earned.
The women often feel thrown at him just to build a large harem. That’s why so many people don’t like harem media. Despite its flaws, High School DxD at least does one thing well: it depicts the women as independent from the main character. When they fall in love, they fall hard, and yeah, they fight over him—but they each have their own goals, stories, and beliefs, independent of Mr. Red Dragon. Issei had to work his way into their hearts and continue to do things to stay there.
If you’re going to write romance or harem, you’ve got to include those nuances. Don’t just go “this happened, then this happened.” Ask how these people feel about sharing. Some characters, like the more animalistic yokai, might not care much, but they’d definitely have a hierarchy, like you’ve hinted at. But what do they do when Naruto isn’t around? It’s not just about him.
Do they know—or feel—like there’s a system at play? That could add nuance with very little effort. Maybe it’s revealed that the system never took away their free will—they always had a choice. Maybe they’re messing with Naruto now, or maybe they just don’t care. That simple detail could make the characters feel more grounded.
Another major issue is Naruto’s personality. He’s just… done. And he’s been like that for 20 chapters. “Oh no, everything’s not going my way, woe is me.” That doesn’t feel like Naruto. He’s the type who doesn’t even realize someone’s insulting him half the time. He’s not the smartest, but he’s charismatic and has an infectious energy—that’s why people love him.
Your concept is great. You have excellent ideas. But the execution is starting to falter. This used to be one of my favorite stories when you were still finding your footing. And there are still parts where that old charm shines through—but it feels like you’ve lost who these characters are.
Even if this is a crack fic, characters still matter. Deadpool is a crack character. So are the Looney Tunes. But they still have consistent personalities. That’s why they can exist in other, tamer media and still work. You can write a chaotic, funny story—but the characters need to feel real.
I’m not saying the harem needs drama or breakups every chapter. But something mundane would help—like a fight over dishes, or trash, or who’s paying taxes. That realism helps break up the humor and makes the jokes hit harder.
2iloveM.A.D.BI hope you make a more serious Naruto x DxD crossover one day. This concept is okay, I guess, and you carry it out in an interesting way, but it’s really hard to get attached to the characters because they feel more like caricatures, which is pretty sad.
I’d say the system has become more of an annoyance than a funny joke—at least from my perspective. What made it funny at first were the misunderstandings, but once Naruto started weaponizing it, the humor started fading. It now feels like a way for you to fix or rectify any issue without having to delve deeply into characters, scenery, or fights. It’s like an anticlimactic roller coaster.
My favorite parts of the story are the ones where the system just isn’t present—when the women in Naruto’s life felt like independent characters. That’s one of the biggest problems with harem stories: once a character falls in love, they often become a subservient drone to the main character. They’re no longer interesting to watch.
Relationships have nuance, and even though you as the author know they’ll end up together, you can still create a great story without sacrificing good comedy. Actually, I’d argue that a cohesive story makes the comedy even better.
Instead of giving Naruto a system that benefits him, what if it forced him to crawl out of the dirt, the mud, and the chaos? Not just conveniently unlucky—but permanently unlucky, with deep debuffs. That would make every win feel earned.
The women often feel thrown at him just to build a large harem. That’s why so many people don’t like harem media. Despite its flaws, High School DxD at least does one thing well: it depicts the women as independent from the main character. When they fall in love, they fall hard, and yeah, they fight over him—but they each have their own goals, stories, and beliefs, independent of Mr. Red Dragon. Issei had to work his way into their hearts and continue to do things to stay there.
If you’re going to write romance or harem, you’ve got to include those nuances. Don’t just go “this happened, then this happened.” Ask how these people feel about sharing. Some characters, like the more animalistic yokai, might not care much, but they’d definitely have a hierarchy, like you’ve hinted at. But what do they do when Naruto isn’t around? It’s not just about him.
Do they know—or feel—like there’s a system at play? That could add nuance with very little effort. Maybe it’s revealed that the system never took away their free will—they always had a choice. Maybe they’re messing with Naruto now, or maybe they just don’t care. That simple detail could make the characters feel more grounded.
Another major issue is Naruto’s personality. He’s just… done. And he’s been like that for 20 chapters. “Oh no, everything’s not going my way, woe is me.” That doesn’t feel like Naruto. He’s the type who doesn’t even realize someone’s insulting him half the time. He’s not the smartest, but he’s charismatic and has an infectious energy—that’s why people love him.
Your concept is great. You have excellent ideas. But the execution is starting to falter. This used to be one of my favorite stories when you were still finding your footing. And there are still parts where that old charm shines through—but it feels like you’ve lost who these characters are.
Even if this is a crack fic, characters still matter. Deadpool is a crack character. So are the Looney Tunes. But they still have consistent personalities. That’s why they can exist in other, tamer media and still work. You can write a chaotic, funny story—but the characters need to feel real.
I’m not saying the harem needs drama or breakups every chapter. But something mundane would help—like a fight over dishes, or trash, or who’s paying taxes. That realism helps break up the humor and makes the jokes hit harder.
5/17 c23 1ssj3gohan007
Another brilliant installment! Great job! Well done! I love it! I am dying to know what happens next! :D
1ssj3gohan007Another brilliant installment! Great job! Well done! I love it! I am dying to know what happens next! :D
5/17 c23 4freedomringer
Naruto, randomly at a restaurant after this battle: Huh, Oyakodon sounds interesting.
Rias: *quickly calls her mom* He said the thing, quick, Operation Which Comes First Chicken or Egg
4freedomringerNaruto, randomly at a restaurant after this battle: Huh, Oyakodon sounds interesting.
Rias: *quickly calls her mom* He said the thing, quick, Operation Which Comes First Chicken or Egg
5/17 c23 2Dragonkeeper10
Naruto being underestimated will never get old, still Kokobiel is defeated, poor Sona is being forced to dance due to Serafall being Serafall, and Naruto luck around women attracts Tsubaki and probably the other members of Sona's peerage to him. Is nice.
2Dragonkeeper10Naruto being underestimated will never get old, still Kokobiel is defeated, poor Sona is being forced to dance due to Serafall being Serafall, and Naruto luck around women attracts Tsubaki and probably the other members of Sona's peerage to him. Is nice.