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for Snowy Night

11/29/2004 c3 l
I love this story ^^ so cute

I found this: "16 counts of molestation WITHOUT PERMISSION" especially hilarious. I'd love to see anyone try to commit molestation with permission
8/2/2004 c2 Sandy
I very much like the plot and the way you describe your characters so far. Very well done if I say so myself. But a thing I can't help but cringe after is when you change tenses in a way that I find a bit irritating. I don't want you to think I am belittling your work—I know as a writer myself that it's frustrating when people out of no where criticize and rant about the work, not giving an ounce of thought about how much effort is put into it. I merely just want to advise you a bit, if it is to be accepted. I fully understand if you would reject my advisory, I don't want to seem like a know-it-all. This passage is from your first chapter: -She sniffles, rubbing her nose as she looked up and saw an assassin.— You flipped the tenses by putting 'sniffles' instead of 'sniffed'. I have run across others similar to this a few times elsewhere in the first two chapters, since yet I have not continued onto the third. I think you have great potential and I admire the fact that you play RO (I having never being able to…*sniff*) so please keep writing, because you are very good. Feel free to email me whether you'd like to rant at me and 'put me in my place' if you find me being…mean. That is not what I intend. Well, best wishes!
5/6/2004 c3 rogue
4/19/2004 c3 Lhou Ghin
hi, i love your fiction very much i hope that you add this fiction into a good ending.
your fan me!
4/18/2004 c3 1Tsuole
PLEASE do the nex chapter!
I am waiting!
4/16/2004 c3 Guest
I like the story and I'm a big fan of RO! Update more! BTW, I'd prefer Gochi have the swordwoman.
4/16/2004 c3 Guest
I like the story and I'm a big fan of RO! Update more! BTW, I'd prefer Gochi have the swordwoman.
4/13/2004 c3 87Aeneid
Hey there! Really nice chapter though there are still some grammatical errors... Anyways, please continue! ^_^ Do update ASAP!
4/13/2004 c3 2jelly-jel
Hi i really like your story from the start
i was going to review this along time ago but...
boredrom striked me so...i decided i'll review this on the 3rd chapter i really like your story! this was the 1st ragnarok ficcie that i read its really great! i'm soo happy that the leading lady in your story is a swordswoman! my character is a swordswoman!...well anyway update soon and i g2g too i'm in addict mode in RAGNAROK today...so take care update soon! ^_^
3/21/2004 c2 rykojin
very nice.. ^_^ can't wait to read the rest,, hehe, aryt, speed up the process, k? play on!
3/14/2004 c2 2Runebinder
oy!11 where's part 3? I WANT PART TWE1!1!
3/14/2004 c1 Runebinder
that.. Rocks!
3/3/2004 c2 ynue
good work! i hope you continue the story!
2/6/2004 c2 2laine-lim
continue! nice story! /no1 even though im an assassin hehehe ^^
2/2/2004 c1 Yasutsuna
January 27, 2004
To Miaka-chan
Review of Snowy Night Chapters 1-2
A. Positive Aspects
1. I like the metaphoric aspect of the title and the introduction. I had the feeling that you were trying to make the main character's surroundings rhyme with her emotional state, which of course makes for a greater effect on the reader. A snow or winter background usually denotes feelings of helplessness, isolation, or seclusion. Couple that with the night background and the effect on the reader is that of an atmosphere of bitter loneliness and longing.
Perhaps Kamii, despite the casual quotes she makes about the weather, is actually overwhelmed by the cold darkness. Maybe the act of seeking shelter was not only done because of the obvious physical requirement, but because the harsh surroundings were reminding her of deep-seated fears - her fears of ending up with no one to comfort her in her time of need, and / or her fears of having no one who would see who she truly was. Maybe she is seeking someone who 'will break the frozen sea within her' - and the ice-cold weather cruelly reminds her that she hasn't found this someone just yet.
Well, I have no idea whether all those suppositions I made were your conscious intent - but the fact that your work evokes such thoughts in me is proof enough that your story definitely has something special going for it. ^-^
2. Kamii is a very cute name! ^-^
B. Negative Aspects

1. I'm wondering a bit about your title choice. If the the time span the story meant to cover was meant to last only one night, then the title 'A Snowy Night' or 'One Snowy Night' would have been a bit more appropriate. And if the time span was meant to cover that of multiple nights, then the title 'Snowy Nights' would have probably worked better.
2. I'm also wondering why, after two chapters, Kamii's reason for going to Lutie has still not been established. There are no hints of a mission, or a threat she's running away from, or any other driving force behind Kamii's adventure. As a reader, I want to have something I can root for immediately in a main character - something that I want the main character to accomplish, the character's chief conflict. If this conflict is not presented early on in a story, you will fail to hold a reader's attention.
3. I am also somewhat disappointed in how Kamii's character has been presented so far. I feel that her personality is a bit too passive. Perhaps that is because the fic was probably meant to cater for a female audience, where the action is sometimes relegated to a secondary male character.
As a male, I have to say that if I were to read a story that had a female character in the lead, I would like that female character to have a strong personality, primarily because I want the main character's driving force to be strong, for the main character to perform all the important actions in the story - to really be the main character. I just don't want a secondary character to take over the spotlight. It just ends up unconvincing.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh here. It's just that this story has so much going for it - what with all the subtle nuances hidden within. All I really want to do is to help you get over the mistakes that I myself have committed before, in order to help you achieve your true potential as a writer. Because, for sure, I see potential here.
C. Suggestions
There are a number of spelling and grammatic errors that detract from the reader's enjoyment of the story. I will point these out to you, if you don't mind.
Corrections for Chapter One
1. Begin Quote{
It was a cold windy night outside the ivory-snow-covered town of Lutie.
}End Quote
This sentence confuses me. I don't know whether 'ivory' is meant to describe the color of the snow or the town of Lutie. Also, the structure of the sentence makes for difficult reading. You can see that you use an adverb to describe an adjective, which then describes a noun, all in quick succesion (ivory; snow-covered; Lutie).
Also, ivory is creamy-white in color, while the color of snow is usually described as either bluish-white or crystal clear.
Begin Suggestion 1{
It was a cold windy night outside the snow-covered town of Lutie.
}End Suggestion 1
Removing ivory gets rid of all the other complications that arise from using it. As you can see, it still reads very well.
2. Begin Quote{
The snowy town was very silent as crystallized aqua gently swayed across the sky and trees.
}End Quote
I'm sure you were going for originality but I'm afraid the line doesn't exactly read very well. The noun 'aqua' just doesn't cut it. Try reading the sentence aloud and you'll see what I mean.
Also, you have already described Lutie as snow-covered, so there is no need to repeat that again.
Begin Suggestion{
Silence reigned as a flurry of white dotted the evening sky, gently rocking the trees.
}End Suggestion
3. Begin Quote{
Slowly the man's eyes opened, and that's what snapped the young swordswoman back to attention in the real world.
}End Quote
Begin Suggestion{
Slowly the man's eyes opened, snapping the young swordswoman back to attention.
}End Suggestion
4. Begin Quote{
Kamii couldn't help but thinking to herself.
}End Quote
Begin Suggestion{
Kamii couldn't help but think to herself.
}End Suggestion
5. Begin Quote{
'He has got to be one of the most dirty, perverted, rude, gruff assassin or any male for that matter that I've ever meet...'
}End Quote
Begin Suggestion{
'He has got to be one of the dirtiest, rudest, gruffest and most perverted assassins I've ever met - or any male for that matter...'
}End Suggestion
6. Begin Quote{
He spoke out than, saying coolly as he started to walk away.
}End Quote
Begin Suggestion{
He spoke out then, coolly, as he started to walk away.
}End Suggestion
7. Begin Quote{
Before Kamii could response to him, he had disappeared upstairs. She simply sighed to herself as her eyes traced back to where the priest once was, but when she looked, he had completely vanished. Her eyes suddenly got all teary as she sniffled.
}End Quote
Begin Suggestion{
Before Kamii could respond, he had disappeared upstairs. She simply sighed to herself as her eyes traced back to where the priest once was - but when she looked, he had completely vanished. Her eyes suddenly got all teary as she sniffled.
}End Suggestion
D. My Favorite Parts
1. Begin Quote{
The Christmas lights danced along the roofs of houses and huts, reflecting off the snow, making an absolutely, beautiful spectrum of colors for the whole town to see.
}End Quote
I love this line. ^-^
E. Miscellaneous
1. It seems girls who play pRO really do have a thing for Priests. Everytime I see a romance fic, it's always a girl and a Priest getting paired up. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I'm just wondering. ^-^
2. Begin Quote{
She blushed furiously and looked down as she scurried herself over to a covered stool, a few seats away from his.
}End Quote
^-^ Ever since J.K. Rowling thought up 'blushing furiously', every time I see the verb 'blush', the adverb 'furiously' always seems to come after it. ^-^ Or did you come up with the combination on your own? My apologies if you did. I guess I'm just musing on the effect the Harry Potter books have had on the current generation of aspiring writers. ^-^
3. The name Gochi somewhat reminds me of Pocchi, the gummy candy. ^-^
F. Conclusion
All in all, a promising work. I sincerely wish that you will remain inspired enough to bring it to its conclusion, because I am eagerly awaiting the next installments.
- L.D. Ramirez
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