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for War of The Cards: Orclandspiel

12/16/2004 c2 9KuriCurry
ellow again...hihihi... this time I checked before I rant...

conTinue the Fic...PLeasE...PleaSe ! PLeaSe... anyways...I need to study...

You're fic ruled ! inspired me...although I'm as I've said an F.S...heheh...anyways...thanks for the wonderful fic...! You are one of God's gifts...that made a wonderful impression on my life...hihihihi...IdoL kita...if you must know...
3/16/2004 c1 Yasutsuna
March 13, 2004
To Redkinoko
Review of War of the Cards: Orclandspiel by L.D. Ramirez
A. Positive Comments
1. I'm kicking myself right now, wondering why I'd put off reading your works for so long. I really like your writing style and the genre you chose. I don't know why, but it really fires me up, war stories. Especially well-written ones that have the tactics and strategy well-laid out, like yours. (^-^)
2. I'm just wondering about the title. War of the Cards...hmm. Maybe the 'cards' part will be explained in later chapters? But Orclandspiel - that sounds really cool. Orc Land Story, huh? Very clever. (^-^)
3. I like the scenario you've thought up too - about how you laid out the various settlements / city-states of Schwarzwald into a loose confederacy, with Prontera acting as the seat of power. Dang, are our brains linked or something? I've been building up that scenario in my head for some months now - I'm still doing research on geography, politics, economics, and religion - which is why I haven't put the whole thing down on writing yet. Guess I've gotta get to work on it before you beat me to the punch. (^-^)
4. I also like the political intrigue you've cooked up, with the way you make the borders of politics and religion in Schwarzwald overlap. Very reminiscent of the Middle Ages - and great food for plot twists.
5. I also appreciate the names you've thought up, most especially Geffen Archduke Rimbaugh. (appreciative whistle) Sure, he only lasted until the second paragraph of the first chapter, but still, that's a kick-ass name! (^-^) Really reminiscent of Final Fantasy Tactics.
6. The way you describe the topography of the battlefield is very nice. And the way the troops are deployed - the commands, the actual march, in-battle strategy shifts - it all makes for a very realistic feel. You really did your research. (^-^)
B. Negative Comments
1. This is a very small thing, but I may as well mention it. Sometimes, the dialogue seems a bit too high-brow, meaning it doesn't feel like normal speech - a bit too classy, perhaps. But of course, that may be intentional, intended to make the readers realize just what kind of social background the characters come from, and in that case - great technique. But like I said, I just had to mention it.
2. Sometimes, I feel that you rely too much on narration. A few more lines of dialogue inserted between the narrative paragraphs would have helped to keep the tension up, especially during key points in the narration of the war campaign.
C. Suggestions
1. Begin Quote{
Too many of their comrades have already given up their lives in those rugged plains and yet the prize that they were hoping for seems to slip away from their reach farther each time the sun rose in front of them.
}End Quote
This sentence is quite long - it could use a pause in the middle.
Begin Suggestion{
Too many of their comrades had already given up their lives in those rugged plains, and yet the prize that they were hoping for seemed to slip away from their reach farther each time the sun rose in front of them.
}End Suggestion
2. Begin Quote{
“Yes. I fear that merely waking up a sleeping giant in attempting to retake grounds long inhabited by our bloodthirsty neighbors."
}End Quote
Begin Suggestion{
“Yes. I fear that we are merely waking up a sleeping giant in attempting to retake grounds long inhabited by our bloodthirsty neighbors."
}End Suggestion
3. Begin Quote{
Please do tell me why Payon has taken part at this.
2/20/2004 c2 4Aimura
You have a wide vocabulary, and that makes your work more realistic than the other usually cherubically cute ones.
The battle - or any war, for that matter - in your written work, although just beginning, shows the prowess/prowness of your skills in writing.
Keep it up - War of the Cards show lots of promise.
I await the next chapter eagerly.

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