
11/22/2005 c5 anne
pls continue. i was getting into the story
pls continue. i was getting into the story
9/1/2005 c3 tia
The story is awsome but can you update it?
The story is awsome but can you update it?
7/14/2005 c5
2Crota-sama's Number 1 Fan
Very good chapter, but it doesn't look like you love Japanese: it looks like you're showing off. What's more, if you MUST use Japanese, at least take the time to do so *correctly*: for example, "Kono onna wa dare..." while not technically incorrect, is very awkward. This isn't because the phrase trails off, but because a more natural way to say it would be "Konoko dare wa..." Remember your grammar.
Moreover, if you absolutely MUST have Japanese, a glossary isn't optional - it is MANDATORY. Laziness is not an excuse for leaving it out, and the average reader is not going to take the time to go out and buy a Japanese dictionary to decipher your writing - they will simply give up and not read. Sure, fanfiction is just for fun to write, but if you want others to read and enjoy your writing, you want to allow them to become immersed in the story rather than having to stop every other line to go hunt down a dictionary.
Lastly, while you want to leave enough for the reader's imagination, you should not make your readers do ALL the work. EXPLAIN why Himeno is shaken on the bus - it is going to take a lot more than a near-accident to shake a girl like her. If it is a serious accident, the reader should know. DON'T MAKE THEM GUESS. Once again, if a reader is doing too much work, he/she will simply give up and move on to another fic or manga.
I know all this sounds harsh, but you have potential. You just need to focus and sharpen your writing skills some more.

Very good chapter, but it doesn't look like you love Japanese: it looks like you're showing off. What's more, if you MUST use Japanese, at least take the time to do so *correctly*: for example, "Kono onna wa dare..." while not technically incorrect, is very awkward. This isn't because the phrase trails off, but because a more natural way to say it would be "Konoko dare wa..." Remember your grammar.
Moreover, if you absolutely MUST have Japanese, a glossary isn't optional - it is MANDATORY. Laziness is not an excuse for leaving it out, and the average reader is not going to take the time to go out and buy a Japanese dictionary to decipher your writing - they will simply give up and not read. Sure, fanfiction is just for fun to write, but if you want others to read and enjoy your writing, you want to allow them to become immersed in the story rather than having to stop every other line to go hunt down a dictionary.
Lastly, while you want to leave enough for the reader's imagination, you should not make your readers do ALL the work. EXPLAIN why Himeno is shaken on the bus - it is going to take a lot more than a near-accident to shake a girl like her. If it is a serious accident, the reader should know. DON'T MAKE THEM GUESS. Once again, if a reader is doing too much work, he/she will simply give up and move on to another fic or manga.
I know all this sounds harsh, but you have potential. You just need to focus and sharpen your writing skills some more.
7/14/2005 c5
15SolitaireAikanaro
Aw, poor Sasame! Getting that...person instead of Himeno. No offense...but Satoshi's kinda weird...Write more!
Will you include Kei?

Aw, poor Sasame! Getting that...person instead of Himeno. No offense...but Satoshi's kinda weird...Write more!
Will you include Kei?
7/12/2005 c5 Frankie CrowOverflow
OMG i love it! Funny how i'm also writing a Pretear fic only with less humor and more smut and drama (H/S). But after reading your fic, i feel like a parasite, not that i really am but... nvm. Your good with your vocabulary and grammar. 10/10! write more and soon, onegai! .
OMG i love it! Funny how i'm also writing a Pretear fic only with less humor and more smut and drama (H/S). But after reading your fic, i feel like a parasite, not that i really am but... nvm. Your good with your vocabulary and grammar. 10/10! write more and soon, onegai! .
7/12/2005 c5
18malcious lufoy
ohohohoho! You just had to twist things up didn't you? I don't know if I could stand waiting for another chapter, the agony would kill me! Satomi-san is hilarious...I will keep checking up on this fic!

ohohohoho! You just had to twist things up didn't you? I don't know if I could stand waiting for another chapter, the agony would kill me! Satomi-san is hilarious...I will keep checking up on this fic!
7/11/2005 c1 SakuraAngelina
I wanted to review yesterday, but servers were busy. wow! This is such a great Sasame-Himeno fanfiction. I don't see many of them because of the anime's implied Hayate-Himeno, but in this story they seem like such a cute couple. That interviewer girl that substituted for Himeno really ticks me off. I really want Himeno and Sasame to 'meet again' already. I was hoping it would happen in chapter 5...but you had the other girl go. I really hope they meet soon. Anyway, keep up the great work.
I wanted to review yesterday, but servers were busy. wow! This is such a great Sasame-Himeno fanfiction. I don't see many of them because of the anime's implied Hayate-Himeno, but in this story they seem like such a cute couple. That interviewer girl that substituted for Himeno really ticks me off. I really want Himeno and Sasame to 'meet again' already. I was hoping it would happen in chapter 5...but you had the other girl go. I really hope they meet soon. Anyway, keep up the great work.
7/11/2005 c5
52Tsuyunoinochi Koukyo
So um...hi! I forget everything that happened before, so I need to go back and reread...cause I have no CLUE who Satomi is! :) Now aren't I just smart?

So um...hi! I forget everything that happened before, so I need to go back and reread...cause I have no CLUE who Satomi is! :) Now aren't I just smart?
7/10/2005 c5
12Sailor Celaeno
Yay! You finally updated! I can't wait to read more of this story. This is really good and I can't wait to find out more. ^_^

Yay! You finally updated! I can't wait to read more of this story. This is really good and I can't wait to find out more. ^_^
6/22/2005 c1 miss.bell2009
please update soon because this is a really good story so please i am beggin u update
please update soon because this is a really good story so please i am beggin u update
4/23/2005 c4 mnem13osyne
i loved your story so far. I was wondering if your ever gonna update?
i loved your story so far. I was wondering if your ever gonna update?
3/25/2005 c1
2Crota-sama's Number 1 Fan
You have an excellent writing style, but there were two things that threw off your pacing. The first was your use of random "otaku-ese". Don't insert common, random Japanese words such as "minna-san" or "kawaii" when an English one will do. Your fic will flow much more smoothly if you simply leave the unnecessary Japanese words out. Second, I wouldn't have identified Sasame by name until the next chapter - it throws off the mysterious aura that you want him to project. But other than those two nitpicks, this was a well-written and enjoyable fic.

You have an excellent writing style, but there were two things that threw off your pacing. The first was your use of random "otaku-ese". Don't insert common, random Japanese words such as "minna-san" or "kawaii" when an English one will do. Your fic will flow much more smoothly if you simply leave the unnecessary Japanese words out. Second, I wouldn't have identified Sasame by name until the next chapter - it throws off the mysterious aura that you want him to project. But other than those two nitpicks, this was a well-written and enjoyable fic.
1/31/2005 c4
37magicarnival
COME ON! You gotta start updating these! I read Picture Perfect and now I've read this and it's really good too! You need to continue! -begins crying-

COME ON! You gotta start updating these! I read Picture Perfect and now I've read this and it's really good too! You need to continue! -begins crying-
1/25/2005 c4
2Sango Twin
...awsome idea for the fic im really enjoying it ^_^ keep up the good work!
~Sango Twin~

...awsome idea for the fic im really enjoying it ^_^ keep up the good work!
~Sango Twin~