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for War of The Cards: Glastheimspiel

7/3/2005 c1 Feathertop
You're the best, Red! You are the man! ^_^
3/12/2004 c11 4DarkHrse
This is a much better story than your Orclandspiel one, which, in my opinion, was trying too hard to impress. Nevertheless, you've shown there, as you've shown here, a seemingly natural ability to mix words so that they flow almost lyrically. So that's the good part. If you're serious about improving your writing ability, read on:
1. Some of your sentences, especially during dialog, are incorrectly structured. For dialog, leave the comma inside the double quotes, like, "I don't know why I put up with you," the green-haired maiden said.
In cases where there needs to be a punctuation such as a ! or ? at the end of the sentence, no need for a comma, like so: "You imbecile!" cried the lord of the manor.
2. When in dialog and the speaker refers to another person by name, make sure to put a dividing comma. For example: "I want to eat Akane." is certainly very different from "I want to eat, Akane." Gets?
3. On to the more serious comments. You mentioned in your author's notes that this particular "style" of story you're writing allows you to "easily inject" emotions. You've had several opportunities to do that, particularly that scene where Ramus' friends were slaughtered. But does the reader ever get to feel his grief? The best attempt you've made at showing emotion was with Tamara in your prologue and let me tell you, man, it was all downhill from there for this fic.
Also, a story that has many characters and does not have the "staple structure" of "world-revolves..." thingy you said, still won't work if the readers can't identify with your characters. Here's a simple formula: more characters = more work for you as an author to put "flesh" into each of them to make them 3-dimentional. As it is, except maybe for the glimpse we saw of Tamara, every other character is like cardboard.
And what about these Kafras of yours? What motivates them? What are their backgrounds? And what is this "madness" Vinca is talking about? A good writer does allow the readers to compensate the lack of details with their imagination but you're overtaxing them, believe me. Right now, they all seem like demented, schizophrenic psychopaths. If they were really like that, I'd think twice before using their services.
4. Also, what's up with the fact that you're breaking up chapters across multiple FF.net chapters? Weird. Do it right. If it's because you want to release something sooner, perhaps?
5. Final piece of advice: I'm sure you have a favorite author. It's no crime to emulate some of that author's style of writing. At least in the beginning until you've developed your own style.
Hope this has helped. You've got potential and so does this story. Thanks for sharing!
3/11/2004 c9 Akira Seta
The story is skillfully done.
Two thumbs up for you!
pa tank po pls ^^
2/26/2004 c1 redkinoko
Whoopsies. Correction noted. I accidentally put in "red-haired" instead of "green-haired". I guess I was imagining the second kafra when I was writing that bit.
Thanks for the reviews.
2/24/2004 c4 8Emeliore
One of the best-written RO fanfics I have come across. The overall dark motif you've got running in here (which you have successfully pulled off without falling into the 'self absorbed angst' trap) really goes well with part of your title, "Glastheimspiel". War of the Cards? I'm curious as to how this story unfolds.
Oh yeah, this is a minor nitpick, but isn't Sampaguita supposed to be green haired (Comodo Kafra)? But that's negligible.
Keep on writing!
2/15/2004 c1 4Aimura
This is good. ::nods approvingly:: XP
Add in more descriptions. It'd really enhance this. Good job.

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