for Grasping For Control
13/10/2004 c1 KaeKae
Well, well, well, the story begins. Characterization for the most part was pretty good. Trying to imagine Wes screaming "Bloody bastards" is fairly amusing.
Make sure that each person's lines are on different lines. Couple times at the end Angel and Donavon's lines were in the same paragraph, which just gets confusing.
Story seems very dialog driven, which is not necessarily a bad thing, because characterization seems close. Could have lived without Fred calling Donavon "Donnie", and maybe a description of whatever the hell Angel is supposed to give back to Donavon would be nice. Will probably get that in later chapters I'm guessing.
Overall I enjoyed it though. My main recommendation would be more description. But I'll definitely be back for the next chapter.
Well, well, well, the story begins. Characterization for the most part was pretty good. Trying to imagine Wes screaming "Bloody bastards" is fairly amusing.
Make sure that each person's lines are on different lines. Couple times at the end Angel and Donavon's lines were in the same paragraph, which just gets confusing.
Story seems very dialog driven, which is not necessarily a bad thing, because characterization seems close. Could have lived without Fred calling Donavon "Donnie", and maybe a description of whatever the hell Angel is supposed to give back to Donavon would be nice. Will probably get that in later chapters I'm guessing.
Overall I enjoyed it though. My main recommendation would be more description. But I'll definitely be back for the next chapter.