for The Spy1/22/2005 c1 
5Beware the Noble Heart
First of all, you rule for reviewing my story and second of all, why haven't you updated this in so long? It's a great start for a story and an interesting idea. How can you keep away from it?
5Beware the Noble HeartFirst of all, you rule for reviewing my story and second of all, why haven't you updated this in so long? It's a great start for a story and an interesting idea. How can you keep away from it?
8/28/2004 c1 Mela
I think that story was...interesting. Never thought about that happening. I really do like the idea tho. If i could add some advice. Maybe add more length to the story. Add more details. but i still like the plot! Good WORk!
I think that story was...interesting. Never thought about that happening. I really do like the idea tho. If i could add some advice. Maybe add more length to the story. Add more details. but i still like the plot! Good WORk!
4/16/2004 c1 FandomAvenger
Mary Sue. Read the books. Movies aren't canon; you CANNOT write accurate fan fiction having only seen the films. You can't rightly do any concept justice if you know only a fraction of the fandom.
You've also managed to mangle Malfoy's name, as well as that of the good Headmaster. I'm not going to tell you. You'll have to bother yourself with reading the books (or at least some decent fan fiction).
Paragraph breaks. Use a new one for each separate speaker. This is without exception.
Do NOT stick "**THE NEXT DAY**" in the middle of a story. It is ugly, it is childish, it is lazy. Describe. Learn to use narrative. Exercise your vocabulary.
Capitalize proper nouns. Put question marks and the ends of questions. These are such simple, elementary concepts.
Death Eaters are unlikely to use the name "Voldemort" so freely. "The Dark Lord" is more respectful and more in character.
Honestly, I understand that you don't have a beta, but how can you forget primary school education? It doesn't take an editor to tell you that "Hogwarts" is capitalized. A simple reread of this story would eliminate a great deal of your glaring errors.
Mary Sue. Read the books. Movies aren't canon; you CANNOT write accurate fan fiction having only seen the films. You can't rightly do any concept justice if you know only a fraction of the fandom.
You've also managed to mangle Malfoy's name, as well as that of the good Headmaster. I'm not going to tell you. You'll have to bother yourself with reading the books (or at least some decent fan fiction).
Paragraph breaks. Use a new one for each separate speaker. This is without exception.
Do NOT stick "**THE NEXT DAY**" in the middle of a story. It is ugly, it is childish, it is lazy. Describe. Learn to use narrative. Exercise your vocabulary.
Capitalize proper nouns. Put question marks and the ends of questions. These are such simple, elementary concepts.
Death Eaters are unlikely to use the name "Voldemort" so freely. "The Dark Lord" is more respectful and more in character.
Honestly, I understand that you don't have a beta, but how can you forget primary school education? It doesn't take an editor to tell you that "Hogwarts" is capitalized. A simple reread of this story would eliminate a great deal of your glaring errors.