for no longer Granger1/6/2005 c2 Jameela
Keep it coming! :)
Keep it coming! :)
12/26/2004 c2 jelite
I know you said to email but this is so much quicker-There is a small plot,But that is still an improvement.Now on to the mistakes.Hermione would not be stay with Harry unless the weasleys were there too.You mention Draco way too soon in the fic and Hermione would never have a crush on him.Also Sirius was spelt wrong.So far this has the fewest mistakes.
I know you said to email but this is so much quicker-There is a small plot,But that is still an improvement.Now on to the mistakes.Hermione would not be stay with Harry unless the weasleys were there too.You mention Draco way too soon in the fic and Hermione would never have a crush on him.Also Sirius was spelt wrong.So far this has the fewest mistakes.
12/24/2004 c2 mattiemalfoy
First thing i like the story only thing you spelt Serius wrong its Sirius.
First thing i like the story only thing you spelt Serius wrong its Sirius.
12/20/2004 c4 
1hellakat
oreo69not98- I respect you. I truly do. And 'there goes my gun'.
Sweetie... whatever your name is. Girl who is writing this fic. When people send you 'burns'- the proper term is 'flames', you READ them, and try to figure out where you went wrong. It is the attribute of a decent writer- and I presume you are one, no?
Seriously, we pointed out a lot of stuff to you, and no, it wasn't entirely bullshit. Seriously, we wouldn't waste time on giving you bullshit. (Are you thirteen yet? Is my language too over the top?) Anyway... seriously, if you don't want flames, if you want to be respected... discontinue this. Please. It is just a waste of time.
I recommend a website like this: ?forumid=6 for you. It has everything a budding writer should need.
Look, we're not trying to diss you or anything. We're trying to help you- my review to you was relatively mild compared to what I dished the rest of the people. Please, take our advice. It is really for your benefit.
'hella
1hellakatoreo69not98- I respect you. I truly do. And 'there goes my gun'.
Sweetie... whatever your name is. Girl who is writing this fic. When people send you 'burns'- the proper term is 'flames', you READ them, and try to figure out where you went wrong. It is the attribute of a decent writer- and I presume you are one, no?
Seriously, we pointed out a lot of stuff to you, and no, it wasn't entirely bullshit. Seriously, we wouldn't waste time on giving you bullshit. (Are you thirteen yet? Is my language too over the top?) Anyway... seriously, if you don't want flames, if you want to be respected... discontinue this. Please. It is just a waste of time.
I recommend a website like this: ?forumid=6 for you. It has everything a budding writer should need.
Look, we're not trying to diss you or anything. We're trying to help you- my review to you was relatively mild compared to what I dished the rest of the people. Please, take our advice. It is really for your benefit.
'hella
12/19/2004 c4 there goes my gun
I'm not going to be nasty, or say annoying trite things about what a goth is or isn't, but I am going to provide some general pointers about your story. Firstly, I like that you're dealing with something like the aftermath of a war. That's a very emotionally-charged environment to begin with, and something I myself couldn't try writing, so good on you for that.
However, there are many, many problems that lie within your story. Hermione Granger is an incredibly tough character within the novels - whilst the whole idea of fanfiction is about letting fantasy take over, there is also some level of respect to be paid to the original canonical sources. None of the characters, thus, can be grouped into shallow, narrow little social cliques like 'goths' and 'punks' and 'preps'. There are far more to people than just a silly label like that. Johnny Ramone was a punk, but he also supported Bush. When you stop defining characters by the clothes they wear and when you start giving them desires, fears, lothings and little flaws, they become actual full-blooded people within your story, far more interesting to read than some jerk teenager who wants to become the next 'Busted' or Avril Lavigne.
Secondly, your pacing is just not appropriate for what you're writing about. Another reviewer mentioned that procrastinating is a valuable tool for writing, and I agree wholeheartedly; if we are to believe that Hermione and Draco get together, we need to see some tangible, realistic interplay between them. Romance is hardly an overnight thing, and part of the reason that people read romantic fiction is to see the tension and the relationship build up over time. By just doling it out so quickly, you're hardly satisfying the reader.
Another problem is your dialogue. A lot of it is very stilted and artificial, and the rest of it is completely unbelievable given the context. What I suggest you do for your next fiction is to go out into a group of people like your characters (like a group of teenagers, or a group of teachers) and listen to how they talk. Pay attention to the fact that not everyone speaks in proper sentences, or jumps to obvious truths. Humans are very complex creatures, and there is a lot of stuttering, malaprop and a lot of beating around the bush. Listen to some conversations, and maybe even record them with an MP3 player or something, and then apply it to how you write your characters and how they talk. Everyone talks differently too - some characters use big words, some are very short in their tone. Give each character different styles of speech, and I can guarantee a very good way of bringing character into your story.
Finally, I think that the hugest problem you face is actually the plotting, as it doesn't seem like there's a strong structure underlying this story. I think you need to stop writing it, and draw a chart of where you want your story to go. Get your start, your complication, your climax and your resolution together before you go any further, simply because your story just seems like a loosely linked chain of events with very little of the structure that all good stories need.
My pet, I sincerely urge you to continue writing, however I also strongly urge you to discontinue this piece. I think that for a young starting out author who needs to learn the ropes, a many-chaptered story is the biggest killer of all. My suggestion is that you should take up a one-shot - a story that describes one incident, like a conversation or even the giving of a gift or something that takes between one or two thousand words in a single chapter. It'll help you with your pacing, and it also helps you appreciate the smaller events that are actually quite significant, which is something you need to work at greatly.
I'm not going to be nasty, or say annoying trite things about what a goth is or isn't, but I am going to provide some general pointers about your story. Firstly, I like that you're dealing with something like the aftermath of a war. That's a very emotionally-charged environment to begin with, and something I myself couldn't try writing, so good on you for that.
However, there are many, many problems that lie within your story. Hermione Granger is an incredibly tough character within the novels - whilst the whole idea of fanfiction is about letting fantasy take over, there is also some level of respect to be paid to the original canonical sources. None of the characters, thus, can be grouped into shallow, narrow little social cliques like 'goths' and 'punks' and 'preps'. There are far more to people than just a silly label like that. Johnny Ramone was a punk, but he also supported Bush. When you stop defining characters by the clothes they wear and when you start giving them desires, fears, lothings and little flaws, they become actual full-blooded people within your story, far more interesting to read than some jerk teenager who wants to become the next 'Busted' or Avril Lavigne.
Secondly, your pacing is just not appropriate for what you're writing about. Another reviewer mentioned that procrastinating is a valuable tool for writing, and I agree wholeheartedly; if we are to believe that Hermione and Draco get together, we need to see some tangible, realistic interplay between them. Romance is hardly an overnight thing, and part of the reason that people read romantic fiction is to see the tension and the relationship build up over time. By just doling it out so quickly, you're hardly satisfying the reader.
Another problem is your dialogue. A lot of it is very stilted and artificial, and the rest of it is completely unbelievable given the context. What I suggest you do for your next fiction is to go out into a group of people like your characters (like a group of teenagers, or a group of teachers) and listen to how they talk. Pay attention to the fact that not everyone speaks in proper sentences, or jumps to obvious truths. Humans are very complex creatures, and there is a lot of stuttering, malaprop and a lot of beating around the bush. Listen to some conversations, and maybe even record them with an MP3 player or something, and then apply it to how you write your characters and how they talk. Everyone talks differently too - some characters use big words, some are very short in their tone. Give each character different styles of speech, and I can guarantee a very good way of bringing character into your story.
Finally, I think that the hugest problem you face is actually the plotting, as it doesn't seem like there's a strong structure underlying this story. I think you need to stop writing it, and draw a chart of where you want your story to go. Get your start, your complication, your climax and your resolution together before you go any further, simply because your story just seems like a loosely linked chain of events with very little of the structure that all good stories need.
My pet, I sincerely urge you to continue writing, however I also strongly urge you to discontinue this piece. I think that for a young starting out author who needs to learn the ropes, a many-chaptered story is the biggest killer of all. My suggestion is that you should take up a one-shot - a story that describes one incident, like a conversation or even the giving of a gift or something that takes between one or two thousand words in a single chapter. It'll help you with your pacing, and it also helps you appreciate the smaller events that are actually quite significant, which is something you need to work at greatly.
12/18/2004 c4 1hannah-901
ok who ever sent you those burns are just stupid idiots ok your story rocks i havent found ine like it yet which is really good ok well bye *skips of un a cheery mood knowing lucius is dead*
1hannah-901ok who ever sent you those burns are just stupid idiots ok your story rocks i havent found ine like it yet which is really good ok well bye *skips of un a cheery mood knowing lucius is dead*
12/18/2004 c4 yanely1167
Don't worry about oreo69not96. I like your story and that is all that matters. If only one person likes your story it's better then no one and if people are writing you burns doesn't matter because if they don't like then they should not read it any more. keep writing i like it.
Don't worry about oreo69not96. I like your story and that is all that matters. If only one person likes your story it's better then no one and if people are writing you burns doesn't matter because if they don't like then they should not read it any more. keep writing i like it.
12/18/2004 c1 1hellakat
This isn't a fashion statement time. This is a fanfic, so please, don't drag the characters out of their normal context. Hermione WOULDN'T HAVE a 'signature color' of nail polish, and if she did, it would be 'signature colour', because it's set in a British context.
And please, don't name drop. Yeah, Converse is a brand name. Big friggin deal. We're not interested. We want a plot, and it seems like you're not providing us with one.
Okay. Draco saved Hermione's life. Workable material. Draco suddenly falling in love with Hermione. Eyebrow raise-worthy material. You don't fall in love just like that, and if you did, you'd be in trouble.
But hell, you're American. One in three of American marriages fall apart. I wonder if this is why?
Anyway... back to the topic. PROCRASTINATE. Give time for the relationship to develope, honestly. Love is a thing that takes time. Lust is a totally different thing to love. Don't get them mixed up.
To your dialogue. Double space after each character speaks.
Okay. I'll correct this section for you.
Harry knocked on Hermione's bedroom door and when she answered she couldn't tell who it was.
"H-harry? What did you do?" she said [asked. She's asking a question!] looking at a very gothic Harry.
[DOUBLE SPACE]
"Same thing, apparently as you, [comma]" he replied and stepped into the room.
Hermione felt very stupid for asking him that. [And because that's a little abrupt, you might want to add a vaguely amusing comment]
"Hermione I have a proposal to offer you." He started. [Began. Not started]
"Go [capitilization] on" she urged.
"I want you to become my sister and change your name as I will, [comma, not full stop]" [no capitilization] he replied slowly. (And I think, 'he replied slowly' should actually be put in the middle of that.)
Thus it'll look like this
Harry knocked on Hermione's bedroom door and when she answered she couldn't tell who it was.
"H-harry? What did you do?" she asked, looking at a very gothic Harry.
"Same thing, apparently as you," he replied and stepped into the room.
Hermione felt very stupid for asking him that.
"Hermione I have a proposal to offer you," He began.
"Go on," she urged.
"I want you to become my sister," he replied slowly, "and change your name as I will."
A gothic Harry? The fanatics of the book will probably come after you wielding knives.
We need more reasoning. A hell of a lot more reasoning. Currently, the story doesn't make sense, and it SHOULD make sense, because it's a story. Just because it's a fanfic doesn't mean it shouldn't make sense.
'hella
1hellakatThis isn't a fashion statement time. This is a fanfic, so please, don't drag the characters out of their normal context. Hermione WOULDN'T HAVE a 'signature color' of nail polish, and if she did, it would be 'signature colour', because it's set in a British context.
And please, don't name drop. Yeah, Converse is a brand name. Big friggin deal. We're not interested. We want a plot, and it seems like you're not providing us with one.
Okay. Draco saved Hermione's life. Workable material. Draco suddenly falling in love with Hermione. Eyebrow raise-worthy material. You don't fall in love just like that, and if you did, you'd be in trouble.
But hell, you're American. One in three of American marriages fall apart. I wonder if this is why?
Anyway... back to the topic. PROCRASTINATE. Give time for the relationship to develope, honestly. Love is a thing that takes time. Lust is a totally different thing to love. Don't get them mixed up.
To your dialogue. Double space after each character speaks.
Okay. I'll correct this section for you.
Harry knocked on Hermione's bedroom door and when she answered she couldn't tell who it was.
"H-harry? What did you do?" she said [asked. She's asking a question!] looking at a very gothic Harry.
[DOUBLE SPACE]
"Same thing, apparently as you, [comma]" he replied and stepped into the room.
Hermione felt very stupid for asking him that. [And because that's a little abrupt, you might want to add a vaguely amusing comment]
"Hermione I have a proposal to offer you." He started. [Began. Not started]
"Go [capitilization] on" she urged.
"I want you to become my sister and change your name as I will, [comma, not full stop]" [no capitilization] he replied slowly. (And I think, 'he replied slowly' should actually be put in the middle of that.)
Thus it'll look like this
Harry knocked on Hermione's bedroom door and when she answered she couldn't tell who it was.
"H-harry? What did you do?" she asked, looking at a very gothic Harry.
"Same thing, apparently as you," he replied and stepped into the room.
Hermione felt very stupid for asking him that.
"Hermione I have a proposal to offer you," He began.
"Go on," she urged.
"I want you to become my sister," he replied slowly, "and change your name as I will."
A gothic Harry? The fanatics of the book will probably come after you wielding knives.
We need more reasoning. A hell of a lot more reasoning. Currently, the story doesn't make sense, and it SHOULD make sense, because it's a story. Just because it's a fanfic doesn't mean it shouldn't make sense.
'hella
12/18/2004 c1 Norah
okay, wow.
I hate stereotypes. Would you like the real definition of "Goth,"?
Goth ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gth)
n.
A member of a Germanic people who invaded the Roman Empire in the early centuries of the Christian era.
/
Even going around it, it's unadultered crap.
I suggest you just discontinue it.
okay, wow.
I hate stereotypes. Would you like the real definition of "Goth,"?
Goth ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gth)
n.
A member of a Germanic people who invaded the Roman Empire in the early centuries of the Christian era.
/
Even going around it, it's unadultered crap.
I suggest you just discontinue it.