Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Chrono Trigger: The Sands of Time

12/3/2016 c3 akanomie1
interesting read i shall have to binge read this its well writen and enjoyable with lots of extra tid bits. great job
11/13/2016 c82 32Erico
I'm no stranger to how life or something like it gets in the way of our writing. It takes me 3 to 6 months to provide updates to my Starfox 'Fic. That being said, all these years later, your novelization still reads like a dream. Keep it up. We can wait for quality.
10/26/2016 c82 Anoynomous
Nice to see a new chapter. Was hoping for more, but its got lots of good character development for Frog.

I'm guessing the side quest order is Ozzie's - Choras - Giant's Claw - Fiona's Forest - The King on Trial - Son of Sun - Geno Dome - optional: Ayla Sidequest (Singing Mountain _ ) - Finish Sun Stone Quest - Ultimate Equipment from Stone & Shell - Black Omen
10/23/2016 c82 38war hippy fatigues
It's cool to see this is still going! This is definitely one of the best stories I've read on this site and it being unfinished always felt like a minor injustice.
10/23/2016 c82 5patattack
Nice chapter. Liked how Glenn convinced the king to see things differently, especially that line about being no different than them. And that part with Eliza was cute. :-)

Frankly I'm surprised you had the time to write this, cause it seems like you're busy enough already. Best of luck!
10/23/2016 c82 Mugen Kagemaru
Glad to see this updated again. We've all come a long way since the last one.
10/23/2016 c82 1Unclever title
Well now isn't this a blast from the past! Looking at this it's almost as if the story just hopped on a time machine and rocketed off to the future which has now become the present. And it's as good as ever.

I still love this story. Thanks for the new chapter!
8/17/2016 c81 1filisapin
I cannot believe this story is actually still on the run despite its age. And almost 12 years, too! I deeply regretted coming to this fandom just recently. I love how you depicted Magus in here. Please do update more~ Oh, and good luck on your marriage life~
7/4/2016 c26 13Ganheim
Chapter 26
There are two types of mentalities in this world: optimism and pessimism
[And realism. And pragmatism…]

A pessimist is incredibly real and logical
[Whose thoughts are these? We need a who and where to set the scene and we don’t have any for this. Without a character voice, we’re being lectured by the writer]

no reason to be happy or expect things to change
[And yet people did even in the midst of the Black Death]

problems have been absolved
[Sins can be absolved, problems are solved]

force feeling into their legs
[Will can force movement into working muscles, but feeling is an internal neural working not dependent on will]

realized that Marle was
[Telling, skip to the showing]

made it the last time we tried anything
[They haven’t encountered Lavos yet, they don’t know particulars of what they face]

It would be best to
[No, don’t Tell us. Especially when you’re throwing presumptions at us, if you want world-details then give them from a character so you develop both the character and worldsetting. The classist presumption you make for Nadia and Lucca is classist to an insulting degree. Don’t tell us how great nobles are, tell us how altruistic *Nadia* is]

heart of a leader that had been carefully crafted since her birth
[The education to get away with Insider Trading in the Stock Market, and order thousands of serfs to their deaths as conscripts in ego-motivated wars to show off against other nobles?]

Chapter 27
silence…broken by the…wind
[wind is not silent. “leaving only the howl of the wind” might be what you’re looking for]

snake-like slits
[ Snakes can’t close their eyes]

Chapter 28
cobwebs were thick…abandoned long ago
[How would they know? Spotting a spider is difficult in good circumstances]

but I will do so anyway
[Show, don’t Tell. Also keep the focalization to character so you don’t slip into Author Intrusion]

were placed in evenly spaced places
[Unclear, repetitious]

webs in its wake
[ The portal doesn’t have a wake, it’s not moving]

which I have said
[Author Intrusion]

However, his hands
[This whole segment is unnecessary repetition]

It was truly
[Author intrusion? Not character-focal. Also doesn’t ground us in the scene (which is important in a time/dimension hopping story), but as you directly continue the previous scene I don’t think the scene separator should be there. Taking away the Author Intrusive Telling would help]

that she fully inspected
[Passive, wordy, and about 1.5 pages after they enter Robo’s room]

it was in decent shape…it was in deplorable condition
[This is why you avoid Telling when you can show. This disagreement is in the same paragraph, and your shown description is clear it’s in bad shape]

repaired ages ago, only it had not been started
[I have no clue what this means]

"What if it
[Do not EVER start a scene with dialog. Set the stage: the where, then when (in a time-traveling/hopping story), and the who. This could be generals looking at a mystic in the “modern day”, or cavemen hunters looking at a catatonic reptite]

It works on UGEE
[Then Prometheus would collapse, unpowered, when they went to the BC era before Lavos falls]

gears began to whirl (…silenced them
[So is it audible to the characters or not? You’re being confusing. Remember to focus on descriptions that a focal character can perceive and you’ll keep a much more consistent scene]

stood on its feel
[feet?]

machine was blocky and seemed stiff…moved with an effortless grace
[Self-contradictory telling]

fingers being pulled by gears and such the same way tendons
[Tendons are corded material, gears are small rotating fixtures]

sincere apology. "I must apologize
[Telling is repetitious]

I shall go by X
[That’s not in the game script. I applaud you]

detonate a weapon of mass destruction
[Directed explosives designed to breach specific sections of fortifications are older than firearms. “shaped charges” or at least ‘specialized explosives’ would be required, a weapon of mass destruction would be overkill and a robot from the era would know that]

supply the pumps
[There are pumps now?]

forgot what Robo said his series was
[There’s always that internet thing you’re posting this story on. Or the classic fallback: T-800]

I like the idea of a novelization. You succeed in giving the characters distinct personalities and use the canon as more of a guide than chain, so things still felt fresh even though we saw the same mile markers. However, you have so much Telling Not Showing that I can't overlook those (especially when they become monologues that may be pages long and can't come from a character) and the passive sentence construction that lots of new writers struggle with.
3/11/2016 c81 Sarah
Good story I just tried to power through it in a few days and I enjoyed it immensely. I hope everything is going alright as I see it's been a while since an update. It's rather interesting to see the evolution of writing from the first chapter to this one. It makes me wonder how you'll handle the Fiona sidequest or the mother brain one with Robo, and I've been loving the hints with the thing with Marle's little arc with her father and the chancellor.
3/3/2016 c81 Guest
Please continue this awesome tale, this is the best CT story on here
2/15/2016 c81 Andrew Gribbons
I stumbled across your work earlier today when I was looking into emotions being a chrono trigger. I read several chapters over a couple of hours on my phone. I couldn't put it down. I was fascinated by the depth and exploration into the characters of one of my favorite all-time video games and stories. My search led me initially to the chapter in which Magus was talking about the two ways their magic could be strengthened, either by focusing on one goal, like he had, or by balancing oneself emotionally. Inventing the individual hardships of those climbing Death Mountain, and how Lavos preyed on their innermost desires - how Magus knew this is what Lavos could do, but still even he wasn't immune - silenced my mind and played my heart. Your creativity in making this story three dimensional is magnanimous. I thank you for being able to see through your eyes an accurate and believable breathe of life into characters I have loved since I was a boy. I hope to read more of your telling, should you continue into this endeavor towards its completion. Thank you. :)
12/17/2015 c24 Ganheim
Chapter 25
now barely legible
[Telling: they wouldn’t know without looking]

be a good time to tell
[Nope, but Showing might be nice. Lucca, being ridiculously technologically savvy (unless you take my idea of her being from 2000), could answer others’ questions about ‘what’s that box with a glass orb on one side’ and such]

as if they thought
[How is this point shown? Does somebody ask? Then skip to that]

answer there questions
[their]

grow slightly frustrated
[The adverb weakens the sentiment]

or brown anywhere
[There would be lots of brown]

here had affected
so that there was
[passive]

in attempts to comfort her
[Unneeded Telling]

building could be seen
[passive. “screen zoomed in on a large, circular complex/structure”]

again you could see
[Taking us out of the character-focal scene]

green dots that were dense in some areas
[Lots of dots in the same areas, or larger splotches? This phrasing indicates the former, but your later description indicates the latter]

They were quite amazed
[Telling]

amounts of UGEE (unexplained geothermal
[Another reason I avoid acronyms: the audience has to be taught them, but you also have to use them in a natural, logical manner for the characters. There’s no reason for the computer to define it when the users asked specifically for it unless they’re clearly looking for something else and it’s a superintelligent computer]

frump only for a second
[Diminishes the sense of possessiveness]

transportation! To…it! This…do! I
[Exclamation points are a good way to show verbal force and emphasis, but only when used sparingly. Otherwise it all fades into a blur]

mourning and sympathy
[Why mourning?]

She gave the computer
[focalized]

so that she gained quite an insight
[Back to telling]

merging biological limbs into a host body
[Limb grafting? I’d think she’d be looking for cybernetic information]

seemed like birds
[You’re back into data dumps which do not advance character or plot (they advance setting/backstory, but remember that a scene which can’t serve at least 2 of those 3 things is holding your story back). You already told us they invented flying things, after that we need to either go into something that will be plot relevant and character-interested or move on to something else that is plot relevant]

see all the way to the bottom
[Impossible. Water can’t even penetrate 30 meters of seawater]

surprised to see…guns, swords
[Why is this a surprise?]

used in certain wars
[Vague. Don’t bring attention to something you’re not going to discuss (corollary: avoid bringing up things irrelevant to the plot)]

so many different strategies…one of many years
[This has been true since the bronze age – studied tacticians might even note that command has been streamlining since the iron age, as weapons become more overtly powerful and streamlined]

that could snipe
[A snipe is a bird difficult to spot, for anybody familiar with accurate terms you cause confusion. The early term ‘sniper’ actually meant ‘skilled spotter’ instead of the pop culture ‘kill from far away’ which still is usually not the case (they’re better trained in stealth now). Just ‘kill’ serves the intended purpose]

jabs in which fingers were extended
[Unless you’re going to incorporate mystic shiatsu, finger-jabs hurt the jabber more than the one struck]

seen a small demonstration
[Awkward jump out of the vein of thought. I’m also not sure who the focal character is, you left Chrono and Lucca so we’re bouncing around and that’s hampering the ‘hook’ quality of your scene]

sand showing that this bomb was experimental
[Sand does not indicate experimental, it means remote. I also want to point out that nukes weren’t tested in remote reaches to protect the populace, it was to hide their technical aspects from enemies. Same as the Nazi rocket program]

the blast causes very little harm to the environment
[Then it does little. Destructive potential is release of energy, that’s damage to people and environment no matter how you cut it. Unless you’re trying to set up “biological warfare is a good thing”]

"Well, maybe some
[Who’s saying this? You have 3 people arguing, clear attribution is very important]

we brought you back
That's different
[No it’s not. Besides, they were working on incomplete information to prevent a death more than temporal paradox]

most recent war
[The machine war to kill humans after Lavos left?]

guns…kind Marle carried
[Marle hasn’t used a consistent weapon yet in your story, she and Lucca have had different weapons every single battle. If she is holding one now, that needs to be clearly identified]

names of our countries
[Cities, as far as you’ve indicated so far. Except Guardia]

quotes from treaties
[Quotes don’t stop weapons, it’s the treaties that do]

world in the future?
[She’s asking a lot of questions. Why isn’t the computer trying to answer immediately or instead trying to get her to focus on one?]

Suddenly there was
[Passive, Telling]

began to speak very harshly
[Why? Computers, for ease of creation and maintenance, are consistent. Also: you’re trying to force attributions on us. Show, don’t tell, because we won’t just automatically believe everything you shovel at us]

caused their city to float
[Good hint at 25000bc]

The battle was
[War, battles are single events that except in sieges are short events (even sieges are generally termed ‘hostile periods’ of some sort, with actual clashes usually lasting hours long being the actual battles]

Magus or among his
[No idea what this sentence means]

instantly recognized all their history lessons
[All of them? That’s a lot. I think this is intended to imply something else]

the cruelest dictator
[I’d think ‘powerful’, but he didn’t seem to care enough for involvement necessary for ‘cruelest’]

he really die after the war?
[Everybody dies eventually, I don’t see why you’re trying to force nostalgia on us when they only knew him for hours and he was clearly not friendly so much as tactically astute]

neither had been seen
[were seen]

a mythological god
[repetition]

never heard of
[from]

obvious that she did
[Telling. I have no idea what this whole sentence is supposed to say, though I don’t think it’s important to character or plot]

The segment cut short
[Why did it play at all? There is nothing to tie it into Lavos]

strange suit like none
[If you are going to draw attention to it, describe it. If it isn’t important, don’t draw attention to it]

no plausible leads
[A creature burrowing up through the crust would be VERY clear. Moving ‘seismic’ disturbances would be unmistakable, they just wouldn’t understand the source]

You changed the future for me, so I can do it for the world too
[Not strictly part of canon, but I like the characterization which also ties into plot]

falling debris
[You don’t actually mention there’s an earthquake in progress. ‘buildings cracked and swayed in the quake’ is concise and descriptive]

Have you ever
[Author Intrusion]

excavate the ground
[They’re only starting now? Shouldn’t they be gathered in command tents or clustered around sensors?]

became a massive upheaval
[Vague]

It was unlike anything they had ever seen before
[Never use a sentence like this. It’s undescriptive and only calls our attention on this fact]

This is where
[Author Intrusion. Telling for the whole paragraph]

tearing apart whole cities in a single blow
[Even nukes can’t do that. I think you mean they ‘tear whole city blocks to dust’]

Fire arsenal at will!"
[Awkward, I’m not sure what it means]

Crono and Lucca could
[Author Intrusive Telling (the whole paragraph)]

You've still got a lot of Telling not Showing, but I still feel the sense that you have a definite sense of character and you're also doing a good job of adding your own interpretations and twists. You just need to "paint them in" so to speak instead of talking them at us.
12/17/2015 c23 Ganheim
Chapter 24
Crono had great upper
[Telling, give us descriptions of what’s there. Don’t spend time on a setting that doesn’t happen unless it’s both character and plot important]

True, there was a
Another interesting thing was
[Author Intrusion]

so that you could
[Breaking the 4th wall]

Occasionally there would be a beam which connected to the glass and the wall that bordered one research room from the other
[I’m confused, are you saying a wall intersects the glass? Beams are common construction elements, this is unclear]

She was no longer walking
[Feels like backpedaling. Does this mean they get into the lab? If so, you could just say ‘after stepping into the lab, Lucca dashed’]

while she observed
while the other two wondered
[Repetition]

Lucca wondered about as if everything was precious
[Awkward]

Marle felt the same
[No, they don’t. Lucca is educated enough in technology to identify and appreciate what’s there. All the others know is there’s more metal things that Lucca is amazed at]

that you could not
[breaking the 4th wall]

the realized that they were
[1: they 2: awkward phrasing]

Seeing that it didn't melt
they assumed it
[Telling]

squeaked like a mouse
[In fright? In amazement? Mice make lots of squeeks]

strange looking specimens
[Unclear]

of your fist
size of your
[Breaking the 4th wall. Avoid any “you” in narrative, this is a flag that you’re going to Tell and takes us out of the focalization and pace of the story. You might want to pick one person’s perspective to write from to help you avoid this tendency]

do something so extreme
[The concept goes before the renaissance of every society on earth (look up the Hebrew folklore “golem”, which predates all semblance of chemistry and writing)]

used for warfare
[I know you’ve got a lot of anti-(fill in the blank) bits, but you need to give us grounding before you can expect us to accept some of the suspicions you have. Chrono grew up in a middle age (or renaissance) culture where creating life is impossible. Weaponization of such came a good deal after the concept of fabricating helpers, unless you take the rather different track of weapons awakening into malevolent spirits as in Japanese mythology]

subdued, nourished and asleep
[The first and last are the same, no?]

Marle was at
[Backpedalling. One word to get attention is fine, but you need to identify a speaker before the dialog is over]

gave Lucca a good insight
[Author Telling. What details give us this idea? What would Chrono see? Or Lucca if you’re telling this chapter from her perspective]

where it was no longer orderly
[Telling. Give us concrete descriptions. Also: why would there be a photo album of a lab disaster? I could understand pulling up this info in a computer after reactivating the power, but not in a (too convenient) journal]

Because we can still see pictures
[I don’t see how animals not destroying an implausible photo album is strange. An inert object wouldn’t seem to be worth any interest to an animal]

why they don't retain a similar form or attack at random
[Are you talking about 2 things here?]

because this escapee
[escape]

that allowed you
[Breaking…you get the point]

veins and a large, bulbous head
[Heads are normally visible no matter what kind of skin it has]

dark shark-like pupils
[How so? Shark pupils are famed for being unreactive (‘cold, empty’). If it’s in suspension that’s how I’d expect it to appear]

saying (very quietly
[Adverbs and parentheticals both hamper narrative]

below them was caved
[Unneeded was]

with thick conductors
[Conductors are a material (anything which conducts) unless you explicitly define it as something else previously (preferably specific and easily visualizeable). I imagined the glassmetal panels the Terran Alliance uses to distribute heat and unfocused electrical charge because that’s a part of my book, but another might think of cables like GDI bolts to their tanks in Command & Conquer, and another might think of the superconducting fluid sakuradite from Code Geass. 3 completely different things fulfilling ‘conductor’]

room was impressive and well built
[Telling]

operator laughed when they asked if anything could be damaged
[They were through the rest of the area]

short but an
[of an?]

short in the conductor
just need to reset the power grid
[You can’t fix a gap in a physical power transfer system by pushing a reset button, you need to go to the gap and repair it]

switch that you
[4th wall…]

as it happed
[happened?]

generator develops enough power
[Or it’s on a low cycle and the system wasn’t reset to critical-only, so it’s damaging itself trying to fulfill impossible programming]

Put out the lantern
[Too late, the witch saw you…]

Marle whispered harshly
[Weak telling. “hissed’ does a stronger job of describing HOW the line is spoken]

light they had disappeared
[I have no idea what this means]

there was…lights
[were]

All that was remembered
there was the sound of something sizzling
[Passive]

It was at then
[This phrase is usually a transition used with backpedalling, both are best avoided]

reflected on this Lucca was able
[Can she not ready her weapon when he’s not remembering things? You’re already showing it’s corrosive, don’t step back to Tell us]

This was not a single
[Telling – you just Showed in the previous sentence, and move on to go back to it in the next]

aim for vital organs
[Seems obvious, though I’m reminded of The Legend of Awesome]

nearly swiped her leg
[Adverbs are often best avoided because they can be confusing like here, or weak like here. Does it get her? Does she dive out of the way at the last moment?]

It was at that time when
[Unneeded]

Lucca was standing
[stood]

Marle was still battling
[Telling sentence (and the next)]

floor!" Lucca gave
[Source Mixing: when you break to a new character, break to a new paragraph]

and he could hear the axels spinning down the shaft
[ axles, though that doesn’t seem the right word. Motors?]

mutant was far too busy
[In action scenes, shorter is better. Just ‘was busy’ does the job]

creature still ignored
[Wait, it attacks the pea shooters but not the swordsman that causes it to rasp in pain?]

What he did next
[Telling]

as he ascended higher
[People fall when they jump]

voice yelled out for him
[His own voice was the only you described]

beast was holding
[held]

and fall to his
[fell]

towards the ladder
[What ladder? You need to fill the scene at least with the things characters interact with]

first place; but if
[, but]

Chapter 25
devoid of any energy…heavy like lead
[I like the latter (more Showing), but the 2 are repetition]

he instantly collapsed
breathed deeply and slowly
[Lots of adverbs that don’t deepen the scene. Collapse is quick unless otherwise stated (usually a different word used), and ‘heaved in gasps’ is a stronger way of indicating heavy breathing]

there were thick
[Passive, Telling. The next sentence does the Showing]

quite unlike anything
[Negative descriptions can set an emotional scene (a playground with no swings, no jungle gym, no hoops), but what something IS is often more concise and stronger]
12/17/2015 c22 Ganheim
Chapter 23
had ever heard
[hadverb]

loose a vile word
[just one?]

Had he been going
[Telling]

as he could see
[Telling. Show us the chunks breaking down and let it be something happening]

Occasionally there are times
[Author Intrusion]

trust had taken
[took]

For some reason, Crono
[Telling]

He was not aware
[Then whose POV are we in? The sentence is also Telling]

behind him as saw
[he saw?]

neck to neck lead
[“neck and neck” indicates equal position, a lead is not equal]

Crono was pulling
[pulled]

dots could be seen
[Passive]

Johnny's seething among the wind
[Not unless there’s little speed and no crosswind]

You should have
[Breaking the 4th wall]

"Hey, take it easy
[I get that might be Johnny’s phrase, but it’s getting overused]

sentries no longer surrounded
[Backpedalling, this should’ve been indicated as it came up]

pointed with a damaged hand
[Long, just ‘pointed his damaged hand’ would be more concise]

that they had used,
[Passive, not a speech tag]

he can know
[could]

Before Crono was able to cause it go forward
[Before he turned it on? Otherwise that’s a very awkward sentence]

The girls shrieked
[This is a response to something you haven’t told us about yet]

they were zooming
[zoomed]

they began to be happy
[Weak, Telling]

in each others
[other’s]

And so we end
[breaking the 4th wall]

Chapter 24
has been a while
[hadverb, The paragraph is telling]

as if she were thrilled by the prospect
[Telling. Is she not?]

"I'm afraid that
[Unusual phrasing. No attribution so we have no idea who says this]

They simply did not
[Telling, no character focalization]

most of the streetlights
[The city power grid failed hundreds of years ago]

why we join
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

horizon could still be seen
[Passive]

lightning flashed through the clouds
[First mention of clouds, they should’ve come with the first note of the sky]

you could still see
[breaking the 4th wall]

in great disrepair
[Was that not the case for all?]

The latter seemed
[Telling. Show what they observe]

solid wall except for the middle which had a straight cut throughout the middle
[I have no idea what this means]

True to her instincts they approached
[I don’t see what her instincts had to do with their actions or the physical makeup of their environment]

hallway ahead of them that was dimly lighted
[dim hallway stretches before them]

There was a remarkable
[Telling]

They also heard
[passive]

mutation in the water
[disease?]

flashlight in your tool belt
[I think that would be Batman, a flashlight is beyond what has been introduced in Chrono’s time and hence what he should expect of Lucca]

once we get to those lights
[That were only on sporadically?]

had a…interesting
[an]

bothered her that Crono would say something about such a horrible situation even though he seemed to go through the most strenuous
[Why? I can’t fathom how this is logical]

would vanish with
[Author Telling]

if nothing had
[hadverb]

was very different
[Passive, undescriptive]

corridor which was
[Passive]

operate the inner lights
[That doesn’t explain how the outer lights still work]

tiles had become
[Passive]

that sat silently
[adverb, awkward given that you describe the things around them and present the people as an afterthought like the weather instead of an important, surprising detail]

clothes smell after a camping trip
[I don’t know what your clothes smell like in a camping trip, but smoke does not suffuse mine]

room, who had been
[passive]

What a surprise
[Author Intrusion]

fears were slightly assuaged
[weak, passive]

they learned that they
[Who is the ‘they’? I’m not sure if you mean the dome residents for both or only one]

rooms they had
[hadverb]

did not open because
[Telling. At least give it to us through characters]

if no damage would be done to the crop, there would be some done eventually
[Um…what?]

door sealed in order to trap heat and light to keep them growing
[But you implied the world outside was the same torn-by-perpetual-storm as the game, the outside would be cooler than the heated interior and light wouldn’t be helped by trapping it inside (rather than generating it)]

decided to blow
[Then why the speech about ‘this would be so dangerous]

as they realized
It was laughable [the whole paragraph]
[Telling]

and a generator connected
[Fragment. ‘powering a generator’ or turbine would flow from the previous segment]

so there is always
[was]

beast had found
[hadverb]

only thing that must
[I know this is dialog, but this is really optimistic for the downtrodden world the game indicated]

each others lives
[others’]

We can finally rest
[Doan’s characterization flip-flips too much for me to believe. Earlier he was calm, authoritative, and upbeat. Now he seems whiny and melancholic. Did you intend him to look like he has Bipolar Personality Disorder?]

my conscious."
[conscience]

There were people that
[Telling, not Showing]

weapon (a gun
[Telling. Avoid parentheticals. I don’t see why you can’t show us what she holds, that would give us an idea what precisely she has]

They had resorted
[hadverb]

load of stone debris
[Um…why? Bolts enter pre-existing holes, you screw them in and screw them out]

You could tell
[Breaking the 4th wall]

as a cylinder stick
[cylindrical…though sticks are usually in that shape. Also: flares blind. Chrono is now as blind as Zatoichi]

Thankfully they could
[Why thankful? Also unneeded adverb]

that could dash a body
[Water pushes, it’s the debris in it that does most of the damage]

so that meant that
[Passive, Telling]

hold the waning light of the torch
[What torch? You said ‘flare’ earlier]

"To be honest
[Who says this? Your characters don’t have sufficiently distinct speech patterns for the words alone to identify them and you’ve got more than 3…but a good writer will intermittently add identifiers (best if actions rather than relying on he said, she said) every couple paragraphs]

Lucca said with a half-smile
[Smile: approval. Dialog: disgust. These are incompatible]

door…nothing but hinges and a handle
[That doesn’t seem like an effective door. Also: avoid semicolons]

Lucca stepped in so did the light
[So the light is its own entity, instead of an object carried by her?]

metallic cabinets and lockers
[Would Chrono recognize these things?]

that seemed to fill
[filled]

There were overcoats
[Passive]

as if there was some kind of struggle
[Telling. How do they know?]

recreational room
[With overcoats and hardhats?]

that was actually a
[Author Intrusive Telling]

removed the map
[In such a setting, wouldn’t the map be an etching under the glass?]

and slightly faded
[adverb]
use their imaginations for
[I’m not sure if this repetition or showing, though it’s still not as clear as could be]

and research facilities
[Wasn’t the whole place a research facility?]

She said evasively
[Telling: why I don’t like adverbs]

it was a law in
[Author Intrusive Telling]

survivors were fortunate
[Why? Power only failed recently]

There was a small wrench
[Passive, telling. Give us the details describing an obstacle, don’t tell us there’s an obstacle]

you would see
[Breaking the 4th wall]
Suffice it to say
[Author Intrusion]

walls, stairway railings
[Doesn’t sound like a squeeze]
514 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 13 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service