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for Chrono Trigger: The Sands of Time

5/25/2005 c22 2heofon
Since you’re openly announcing a revision session, I decided to take the time and add my two cents. Let me start off by saying that out of all the novelizations I have read while preparing for writing my own, yours is by far the best one. (Well, duh, sure I’m going to see mine as better, but that’s the arrogant right of every author ;)) You invest time into imagery and detail, adding a very realistic and engaging feel to the bare skeleton of a plot everybody more or less knows, and prove that even the said known plot can be rearranged to create something new and original.

But I do have critical remarks, meant only to help, so I hope you won’t mind my butting in. I agree with Locuster – you waste too many words on repeating things that have already been evoked or on details that the reader’s imagination would fill in anyway. I too am a bit of a purist and feel that everything written should serve a specific purpose, be it building a setting or a background or pushing the action forward. And at some points during reading the fic, I felt really lost as to why you have decided to insert something, for example the date with Claire.

However, I have also another remark, concerning your sentence patterns. It’s two remarks actually. One is that you sometimes fall for repeating the same sentence structure a few times in a row, like “He... He... He...” or “It... It”. It doesn’t read very well, at least to me (and I’m the MASTER of writing... cough ;)) The other thing is that you sometimes fall for lengthy, excessively condensed sentences, like the opening one: “It all began on the start of January when the cool winds beat upon the shores of a beach that bordered Guardia Kingdom from the ocean that stretched for hundreds of miles.” – too many relative clauses, imo. The readers aren’t idiots, but too many details create a mental mishmash and as a result the narration stutters for a moment. I’m not really the right person to talk about run-on sentences, I’ve been struggling with a propensity for trying to cram as much info as possible within one sentence ever since I started writing, but perhaps that’s why I spot them. To offer a good example of how expressive simplistic patterns can be, I recommend "The Magus Haunted" by Goblin Cat KC, if you haven’t read it already. She uses very brusque and limited descriptions, cuts down on emotive dialogue tags and leaves 80% of the details unsaid, but the whole thing slams the reader like a fist. (Needless to say I wailed loudly at my own incompetence when I read it, cough).

So to sum up this lengthy review, I hope that you will find it at least a bit helpful and not offensive (if yes, feel free to mud me up thoroughly ;)). You should DEFINITLY continue both this fic and writing in general, your skills stand out not only among the CT fanfiction (which, let me be brutally honest, holds many fics that make me want to hop back in time and stop myself from ever clicking on them) but among all the fanfiction I’ve read so far, especially when it comes to the imagination employed. So keep it up the great work and don’t let yourself get too caught up in trying to revise everything to perfection, it’s just not possible! :)
5/16/2005 c21 12hhgbh
A race? This should be interesting. I acually thought it was pretty funny the way that guy had them scrub the inside of his vehicle with toothbrushes (or something just as small). The only thing I was a little confused by is you keep saying that Marle doesn't have a weapon. But it was said earlier that she had a crossbow.

But anyway, still enjoying the story and looking forward to the next chapter.
5/14/2005 c21 9Kit Thespian
Har, har! They'll have to race or pay the toll! This is too good. I loved how Belthezar was the one in control of the situation the entire time. Write some more!

5/12/2005 c20 12hhgbh
This is really good. You seem determined to make the character's situations as angsty as possible, but the overall story-telling is very enjoyable. I'll make sure to review every chapter that comes next so you won't give up on the story.
5/4/2005 c20 1Dynamis
Really great story. I lkie the way you only use the story as a base and change things around to fit YOUR story.
4/23/2005 c20 Lenarta
Hey, thank you so much for updating. i know its rather pathetic that my fun is controled by other peoples stories but, hey, its the holidays what more do u expect me to do.

these new chapters are quite good. in all honestly there not as good as ur last ones but thats understandable as nothing much is happening. i like the way u've turned the dome into something similar to a army base, its quite similar to how ive dont it, though my story was influenced slightly by Alien 3. Introducing Balthazar at this point was good to.

BTW, i didnt put this in my last review but MAGUS MUST LIVE! theres no way u can kill him as theres no way to beat lavos without him. Besides i wanna see Magus and Crono but heads (u know they hate each other dont you -hint hint-) but i supose you can only take that path if u do revive Crono which im hoping u do.

anyway, good chapters (i did really like the little insight into Crono's past) and i hope for more soon. The enjoyment of the last week of my holidays rests upon ur shoulders.
4/21/2005 c20 26Novalon
I am hooked.

Seriously, this is the BEST rewrite of Chrono Trigger I have ever read, save for the fic set in New York, which also deserves note.

What can I say? The vivid description entraps me even more than the game possibly could. The slight differences bringing surprise after surprise, especially the involvement of Belthasar.

It is but this humble reviewer's request that the guru will live on when the crew gets the EPOCH, but I suppose I'm thinking too far ahead.

In response to your question about what to do with Magus? Well... if you add him in, you can do more scenes with the gurus, which although is more writing, will bring a greater experience as a whole.

The man trained his whole life in an alien time period to fight the destructive beast who took everything he had away. The lost prince should have his chance at revenge in this fanfic as well.

Wow... this is work I can hope at best to emulate, but I know I will ultimately fall short. If you ever publish your own original works, you can be rest assured that I would buy your works.

Simply a textual gratification.
4/21/2005 c20 Rage Colewell
Another great addition to the best story on the site! Good job!
4/21/2005 c20 9Kit Thespian
Gosh, how can I get bored with this story? 'Specially when you're getting to my favorite characters (i.e. The Three Gurus, Magus, etc...) This is getting better and better! I loved how highly Belthasar regarded the Nu. The Nus are kind of like Ents in LOTR; that is, they're the oldest creatures on this world. I want to see more of Belthasar, and I can't wait until you get to Gaspar in the End of Time. OH! (bubbles with excitement) And how are you going to describe the End of Time? Don't tell me. I want to read it for myself. This is getting so good.

Hey, here's a suggestion for future reference. You know what would be really cool? If the cavepeople actually had a sense of grammar instead of the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" stuff. The reason why I kept the simple grammar in "A Kind Word" was because I was trying to keep in sync with the game (but I also made Ayla a little more sensible than Crono, Glenn, and Marle; go figure). But since you're writing your own entire version, you don't necessarily have to steer in that direction. Just a suggestion.

4/21/2005 c20 MogGuy
Don't get discouraged. It's a good story!
4/11/2005 c19 kiki
wonderful brilliant more update soon
4/4/2005 c19 Professional Freeloader
Great way to come back! Been looking forward to you finaly returning. Been checking praticaly every day.

Still great chapter.

... Yup, you guessed it, LET MAGUS LIVE!
4/4/2005 c19 Kit Thespian
This was a great chapter! Omigosh! I loved every second of it. I loved the society details, and the consequences of the harsh life they have. My favorite part was the children rubbing their faces against Crono's clothes. That image was so precious.

The details of Crono's past were very good too, and make sense. However, as far as the romance goes, he's gotta end up with Marle. Lucca can always get the "humanized" Glenn or (falls into coughing fit) a...cer..tain...blue...haired...wiz.. ard... Ahem, sorry about that.

3/29/2005 c18 Lenarta
I must say, this is an brilliant story...

u have given me incredible insparation for my novelization of Chrono Trigger which i had began writing long before i read this but have now thrown out to re-write completely...

your writing style is quite strange, the interaction u make between yourself (as the author) and the audience, but i find it quite refreshing... my stories always seem tightlipped and distant...

unfortuanatly for me, i do not have your talent so wat i write is nothing compared to you...

i've read the entire of your story.. well as far as 'beyond the dome - part 2'(your last update) and think, as i sed before, that it is brilliant... ive been struggling to get the relationship between Marle and Lucca just right... I love the way u have portrayed Lucca and Crono though i think it may have been better if she were not so... um... smitten with him... the whole idea of the jealousy between the girls is good but i prefer a more childish jealousy rather than open dislike... i spose its hard for me to read something like this being something of a pasifist...

the story of crono and his father is also quite interesting, mine is very different, though i would hope it is considering we are different people...

last thing i ensure u, i mean no offense here, but in answer to your question "does anyone think the tank is far-fetched:-)", im afraid to report that, yes, it is slightly far-fetched though previded the perfect opportunity for Marle and Crono to talk, and to show off just how chivalrous Crono is...

Well i love the story and just wanted to say that... if u wanna contact me, my email is there and yes... that is 2 underscores ("_" these things)

Lenarta (thats not my name BTW)

3/27/2005 c1 15Gibson18
Thanks for your support Rage. Unfortunately, I've been a little bit busy as of late. School is breathing down my neck and I have a good job I need to improve on. Also, I haven't been to enthusiastic about the last two chapters I wrote. I might rewrite them because I wrote myself into a corner. I am trying to write it so the story moves forward realistically (such as they examine other ways to return home besides heading straight there). I don't know how to explain it, but the last two chapters don't really set up the next chapter to well, so I might change those first. Keep on looking and I'll try to get that next installment up!
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