Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Chrono Trigger: The Sands of Time

12/17/2015 c21 13Ganheim
Chapter 22
Chapter 22
but was stopped
[Passive. Try a paragraph break and giving us the click or clunk of a weapon chambering a round (though Chrono and Nadia shouldn’t recognize sounds from projectile weapons more advanced than crossbows), then show Chrono looking around at a ring of robots leveling guns at him. You could even liken it to the Guardian soldiers pointing crossbows at him to show that he understands what the possibly built-in projectiles (or ray guns) mean]

Sure enough, several
[Telling, passive]

It was at this
[Author Intrusion, Telling]

one cocked weapon
[This was a detail you needed to give above, as is it’s confusing backpedaling]

he grinned spitefully,
[1: the action accompanies the dialog, it doesn’t tell us how the line is said, hence it’s not a speech tag and doesn’t use a comma 2: spite indicates malicious intent, but your previous description and I think intent is for him to desire to be more humanlike without understanding that taking humans’ body parts is a bad thing since it isn’t for robots (as is implied in ‘look more human’). I actually like the ‘robot trying to take on humanity on himself’. If he’s trying to return to humanity, Belthazar should use a different line, and I can’t think of a non-sociopathic interpretation for the character. Those types are difficult to respect]

he punched a hole into his own chest
[Why couldn’t he just open a panel?]

still had my larynx
[Oddly specific. I’d also expect the larynx to have dissolved if the arms and legs were gone. You could start with general bits and then tack on ‘my larynx survived’, but given how precise speech synthesizers can be I don’t think he even needs those parts unless you just want the connective bits between brain and heart]

what I had lost
[hadverb. I understand “I was a human and a mutant ate me”, but everything after is backstory that I don’t think he’d be inclined ]

need to…"
"If
[Even when only 2 people are there to converse, it’s a good idea to identify who says what every single paragraph. Here where so many people are active participants, you need to clarify who’s speaking before the line is done]

choice I want between three bodies
[…shredded by gunfire]

strong, but can you dodge
[Strength is not speed]

they would assuredly
[adverb, Telling]

if you were to
[Telling]

Chapter 23
as it had always done
[Author Intrusive Telling (the whole paragraph). Where is this? Whose perspective? When?]

To be completely honest
[adverb, Author Intrusive Telling. Whose POV is this?]

when someone swordfights it is best to improvise
[No it’s not, it’s best to have sharpened perception and reliable reflexes. Improvisation just makes it slightly harder to predict your true line of attack]

for that reason
[“he let out a breath to focus on the race” accomplishes all of that without Telling]

since you all know
[Author Intrusive telling, breaking the 4th wall]

Everyone experiences
[Author Intrusive Telling. Don’t tell us “imagine how Chrono worried”, show us what he’s looking at and, if from his POV, depict who/what he’s thinking of]

I sincerely hope
[Author Intrusive Telling]

said threateningly
[Telling – his dialog already contained the threat]

…would win if
[Telling. Show us the conversation as this information is exchanged between the characters]

Lucca…examine the vehicle…she was amazed
[Telling, not Showing. How does she go about it, and what does she say about it? You wouldn’t even need to think of accurate technobabble, she could begin to praise one aspect and move onto another without finishing sentences]

Crono said very grimly
[If there are other descriptors, an adverb can sometimes work. However, we don’t get any particulars and here I feel Chrono and his environment is a big blank because we’re not given any of the concrete, descriptive details]

You deal differently
[Author Intrusion]

gone by the time you both race
[What happened to “you must race first”?]

the incessant wind
[Which you have only now mentioned. If you want an omnipresent aspect, you should probably remind us about it frequently]

nothing but road
[What about the drawbridge?]

why did Crono have so much trust
[Telling. The only showing done indicates rude hostility]

vehicle was topless
[This means a different thing to me a technician than it may to others: a vehicle without a top has no hood to protect the engine from rain or other elements, nor an upper body casing to protect the driver/passenger area]

paint was wearing off, the vehicle…brand new
[Telling says one thing, Showing says another]

It was funny
[Telling]

were painted repeatedly
[Passive. “stretched on into the distance” is active]

that he was a machine
[According to your story he’s not, he’s a cyborg]

noise had become louder
[Passive]

The two forms that had shape and texture suddenly became two blurs
[The setting has teleportation. Your description of acceleration needs to be more focalized and concrete]

Perhaps there is a hidden metaphor
[Breaking the 4th wall]

not Lucca the matter
[Was there supposed to be a sentence break here? The paragraph is also Telling, backpedaling to do so]

where they had originally met
[Where Chrono and Lucca met is never stated, in canon or your story (I have a theory, but that only works in mine)]

as he felt his body thrown…Johnny had run into
[Awkward, backpedalling. If things were more focalized on Chrono I think you wouldn’t have been tempted to skip the impact and Chrono immediately realizing “I’ve been rammed”]

very gingerly pushed
[Why? Action is also unclear]

that Crono had gained
[passive]

Johnny murmured viciously
[Telling. How would Chrono hear this if he’s so far away and in an open vehicle at such high speed?]

was a narrow passage
[Unclear. Earlier Belthazar mentioned the tunnel, but you need to show us even if you don’t bring up the recall in Chrono’s mind (which would be good, concise is vital in an action scene)]

and jagged rebar
[He doesn’t know what rebar is, even if the culture is primitive enough to still use it instead of fiber extrusion base]

son of a"
[Missing punctuation]

Crono had already
[hadverb]
could not hear
[And yet the description is here]

Obviously, he was upset
[Telling]

debris was beginning to become
[‘begin to’ or ‘started to’ is a weak construction. “less debris littered…” is active and gets across the same point]

the race was about to
[Telling]

strange dip in the road
[Unclear]

pale glow of fluorescent lights
[that STILL WORK? Not in such a dystopia]

Lucca was correct, the vehicle
[Telling, backpedaling. You can express the same information by describing how Chrono is handling the progressing scene]

been neck and
[Telling, you already had indications that Johnny caught up every time Chrono got ahead. Actually, that makes it seem like Chrono is only winning when Johnny screws up (which isn’t a bad track to take, it leaves the outcome in question)]

when you are being run into
[Stiff and formal for a mid-race taunt]

It became clear
[Telling – you just showed]

as Johnny brakes hard
[Present-progressive tense when the rest of the story is in past]

It was then that
[Wordy, indicates Telling though showing is used]
12/17/2015 c20 Ganheim
Chapter 20
I do tend to prattle
[I think we got 2 lines across 2 pages]

Like UGEE
[This is a specialized term she invented herself (as best you indicated). Why would she assume they use the same word/acronym?]

"Can we talk
[Why would they need to talk over the one positive lead they’ve had?]

the gate back home
[Or the powerplant for a factory making human-killing machines for Mother. But Lucca wouldn’t know about that]

Chapter 21
the odd thing was
[Conversational phrasing seems odd in narrative]

corrosive substance, particularly acid
[Lucca (a machinist/physicist) doesn’t seem much an alchemist, so even she probably wouldn’t know the difference between acids and alkalis. Chrono and Nadia might only look at it and think “it melted itself”]

so the reader can
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

Crono merely folded
[adverbs]

were sizzling
[I’m confused (about the tense), is it now actively breaking down? Or is this an inert, past-tense breakdown?]

was a garage
[How does she know what a garage is? Stables are the only thing implied to exist in their time]

with incendiary rounds
[Didn’t Lucca say it was ‘out’ before they used it?]

A mutant was
[Author Intrusive data dump. The trio didn’t see it, they know nothing about it. This puts them on the same level as the audience and gives you the opportunity for them to ask about it]

Every mutant did not look
[So…what ARE they like? Defining a creature by what it isn’t is only applicable to something more philosophical, like an angel or glowy energy “ascended” alien that has such a lack of positive physical characteristics that we resort to negatives just as a way of trying to understand it. Even then you can put things in very concrete terms. In either case the ‘description’ here doesn’t provide anything visualizeable or helpful to the trio or audience, and the lack of a source (one of the kids?) doesn’t help clarify]

nuisance that compared to scorpions, yet they were feared
[Contradictory]

People seemed to cringe
[Telling. Showing a person cringe and “talk around” the subject would be compelling]

against this abomination
[But you indicated there was more than one]

Imagine how peaceful
[Telling]

Imagine, if you
[Author Intrusive, breaking the 4th wall]

creature should not have been meant to live
[Cliché]

We probably won't see
[I note probably]

A word about this vehicle
[Author Intrusive Telling. Describing the garage as they walk in, and the vehicle as they come in sight of it would be effective]

Torrents lined its sides
[A torrent is a stream or otherwise moving mass, I have no idea what this intends]

Needless to say
[And yet it’s being said]

from the womb; with love
[The former is really weird but unique in a way that benefits the scene. The latter is Telling]

he made preparations
[So what did he need them for if he’s got an AFV?]

youths turned red
[Why?]

enertron (the lack
[Avoid parentheticals. Describe if it’s important, don’t throw out the detail if it’s not]

small shower with
[If most luxury busses don’t have showers, a tank wouldn’t. Adding one ruins the sense of dystopia and turns the world into one of plenty where it’s just the dome workers that don’t have nice things]

transport; you will
[, you]

to leave; I can
[. I]

was almost hilarious
[Was it or wasn’t it? We’re not shown either way]

You may wonder
[Author Intrusive Telling. The whole bit about them cleaning the armour does nothing to expand character OR plot, hence leaving the scene “filler” which you want to avoid]

was quickly giving way
[was-adverb, passive]

began to appear disheveled as well as her clothes
[The clothes are part of a person with respect to appearance]

group raised an eyebrow
[Only one among the three of them?]

Just like the first
[Telling. Show us what they see, either to reinforce the sameness or highlight the differences]

Another interesting thing
[Phrasing marks Author Intrusive Telling. Paint us a picture with the details that make it what it is]

When this place was
[Telling, backstory data dump that doesn’t advance characters or plot]

the gun torrents
[Unless it rains revolvers, I think you mean “turrets”. I should also point out that only a handful of vehicles in history have had more than one turret, and none were estimated to be combat-effective against a simpler, cheaper, more centralized and generally stronger design]

The siren stopped
[Why? If something triggers it, something should have to turn it off unless the robots (which you imply tripped it) vanish]

curiously amplified his voice
[Microphones don’t amplify voices, they retransmit it to speakers (which in this case would have to be external and would be muffled if audible at all)]

Chapter 22
It is from my
[Is this author intrusion? Or are you forgetting quote marks and voicing as characters argue/complain to each other?]

old man, Crono's
[Phrasing indicates Chrono is an old ma]

clenched fist which
[Awkward phrasing, it looks like you describe him punching, not punching, deciding to, and deciding not all in the paragraph. It comes across as unclear, especially given your tendency to write from distant third-person voice instead of “this chapter comes from Chrono”]

The very atmosphere
[Author Intrusion]

The old man decided
[Telling, head-jumping]

all the things I
[Author Intrusion]

knowing already who
[Telling, head-jumping. Chrono has to observe something, he can’t know what’s going on in another’s mind]

finesse and skill that
[Repetition, ‘skill’ edges into telling. If we had 1st person perspective that could be ‘observation from a character’, but as is looks like the writer is telling us. Just showing the circuit Johnny makes around them is enough to me]

voice which seemed to
[Telling, attribution. Chrono doesn’t know, so just ‘youthful voice’ alone would’ve been enough]

Marle did not like
[Who’s POV? If Chrono’s, it’s Telling and head-jumping. If it’s Nadia’s it’s not phrased as a ‘from herself’]

which seemed to
[Telling. Give us the details (contorted expression isn’t that descriptive, but IS showing if it’s observation from a character)]

They had exited
[They do now? Or they did so before and we’re only hearing about it now? Another reason to hate hadverbs]

Perhaps you may
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

to a thing like
[We haven’t gotten a description yet, so this is vague Telling. “Chrono panned the periscope onto a large-wheeled vehicle with the body of a man jutting from the top” is concrete and Showing]

plastic or some type of metal
[Those can be VERY different things. Pick one]

he looked more like a marionette
[That’s extremely distinct, possibly the first thing Chrono might see]
connected by gears
[After mentioning marionette, now this implies there’s a string of gears linking his wrists and shoulders]

human 'spare parts
[This is an original twist to add]
7/26/2015 c81 Cervidas
Still waiting for light and swag.
7/13/2015 c17 Ganheim
Chapter 19
sense of love flooded
[Um…why? Is he not paying attention to the road filled with debris? This is why I hate “car conversations” in TV, when you take your eyes off the road you crash. Doubly so in a dystopia like 2300AD]

and they will be disclosed
[For the love of God, No! Stop Telling us! Also breaking the 4th wall]

His father was
[Data dump, takes us away from 2300AD. The whole paragraph]

Yes, his father
[Sounds conversational, but not from any character. This whole paragraph is Author Intrusive Telling]

towards the Nadia
[What? I don’t care if you call her Marle or Nadia, but please be consistent. And even if you’re a machine, don’t use ‘the’ before a name]

his voice muffled
[Confined spaces do not muffle voices. If he’s not inside with them (as was the last indication), you need to show that]

breeze that prevailed in the belly of the tank
[No tank would have a breeze in its belly]

Further inspection
[By who? Show us from one person’s eyes]

If Lucca had been
[Author Intrusive Telling]

No, Lucca, I don't
[Funny, though some accompanying action (a crossing of his arms?) might’ve been nice. That’s another way to identify the speaker without endlessly repeating “he said”]

were not like any other
[Telling, undescriptive]

destitute throughout
[This means nothing to me. Show us with concrete, observable details. If you can, don’t Tell at all]
faces were dirty
[Show…like this]

carried large guns
[The Guardians used crossbows. Would he know what a gun is?]

look like the richest man
[Because he drives a working vehicle? I’m surprised nobody mentions this]

and lack of holes
[Awkward, telling]

began to name off
[Telling]

as if they had never
[Telling, hadverb]

hallway could be seen
[Passive]

get you guys all fixed
[Is nobody surprised about the armour they drove in on? Hasn’t Mother been trying to kill humanity for as long as 300 years?]

that you cannot
[lost focalization]

were in the tank
[You described the opening as if they drove inside. Are they not in the tank anymore?]

It was simply
[Telling]

realized what it was
[And yet you leave the audience in the dark]

It seemed like a place
[Telling, vague. Has no direct bearing on the scene]

they quickly realized
[adverb]

floor was now whispering
[The floor itself whispered? Impressive]

from what seemed
[Passive, Telling. Show the details that indicate why it is so, don’t tell us “mechanical work made him buff”
I do want to note, however, that I like your alteration to the story that integrates the Mother questline well before that event]

His hands seemed
[Passive, Telling]

don't." he said
[,” he]

the-" there was
[Awkward. You succeed at taking us out of the scene, but not portraying the scene. If profanity is important to the scene or character, use it as a faithful portrayal. If not then skip it]

men were allowed to maltreat
[Um…how? Why? There is absolutely NO indication of this ever being the case in canon or in your story. I don’t know if you have a shaky political agenda and the only way you can make it is by throwing bricks in our faces, but it’s not subtle and not self-consistent. Another reason not to pontificate in Telling. Show instead]

had to survive on a daily basis
[Don’t we need to survive on a daily basis? Not doing so kinda means spontaneous extinction]

conditions of this world did not teach these people the meaning of compassion
[Telling. Also untrue (at least on a race-scale): worlds of scarcity have a tendency of forcing people into small, cooperative bands going back before formal hunter-gatherers. All stable societies head towards that (and at 300 years after the end, this would have to be). If there are more resources for people to fight over or something else affects things, deal with it when the issue surfaces. Don’t Tell us or you say things that the audience can say “nuh uh” to very easily]

your right. Even
[you’re]

you old –" The three
[Awkward, nondescriptive. Both times I think you forgot to finish the sentence, rather than just doing bad censorship]

They had moved
[hadverb]

trash can that served as a heater
[How? Are you forgetting to mention a fire inside (as is sometimes done in dystopias despite the materials shortage)?]

more people hear
[here?]

they were staring
[Passive]

rather complex device
[Undescriptive]

person on the inside
[But there isn’t anybody inside. From their perspective, they should say ‘to see inside’]

device which
[Would this not be something they could see through the window? Or at least once it was opened? “threw her into the padded interior” would be concise]

or had bags
[Showing]
she looked extremely
[Telling]

Marle were practically fighting
[Telling, unclear]

muscles and brain
[But the brain runs on chemical energy, hence why the slightest malnutrition causes attention and behavioral issues while muscle groups can continue to overtax for days or weeks]

He was a man
[Passive. “was” is necessary when using possessive, but is still a weak verb and best used sparingly]

seemed so wise
[Telling, cliché]

so rare in regular people
[Racist. Or classist]

Chapter 20
it has always been said
[Who’s POV is this? If nobody it’s Author Intrusive Telling]
this party would learn
[Definitely Author Intrusive Telling]

something that was amiss
[Undescriptive, Telling]

knew from a glance
[Telling, Cliché. Don’t say “he was different”, give us the details they observe that lead them to that conclusion]

something seemed catch
[Telling. Missing word]

mouth could be seen
[Passive]

thankful that this old
[Head-jumping]

The old man, who
[Telling]

show of amiability, not
[Telling]
He smiled widely
[Repetition]

while he said his name
[Telling. Shouldn’t we see the line?]

as well; to all
[, to]

Have you ever
[Author Intrusion]

hid his growing indignation…This creature
[That’s hiding? This is why you shouldn’t Tell]

You can imagine
[Author Intrusion, breaking the 4th wall]

I have only seen in my sleep
[Does this mean she succeeded and only does it while sleepwalking?]

advanced then our
[than]

"Could it be
[Is this spoken? Formatting says it’s all emphasized and punctuation says spoken. Thoughts are normally enclosed in inverted commas ‘’ OR italicized]

Marle felt her heart
[This is the only sentence in this nearly page-long paragraph that wasn’t an Author Intrusive infodump that had nothing to do with the scene as it unfolds (even this is too much Telling). When a TV show might do a montage, in text it’s usually better to pick a single incident that exemplifies the point you want to make and SHOW that, letting the details speak for themselves]

Have you ever seen
[Author Intrusive Telling, breaking the 4th wall. It’s preachy, in the most insulting way]

only ease their pain for a short time
[Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life]

ignorant of her paucity
[By now this has gone from preachy Author Intrusion Telling to brick-to-the-face blunt that you want an emotional point to be made. You might’ve wanted us to emotionally invest in the setting, but the long, preachy passages only have the opposite effect. Subtlety and Concise is the way to go whether you’re trying to bring our focus to the scene or characters. Tolkien never said “life was idyllic in the Shire”, he wrote (possibly for too long, I grant) about the specific things they’d do and talked about lighthearted things like meals instead of struggling for food or political sovereignty]

sense of capitalism prevails
[Bullshit. You have not even spared 2 words indicating anything capitalistic about the setting. I don’t care if you’re anticapitalist and associate all human ills with it or not, if you want the setting to be something, SHOW it or I will call you out]

They live in a
[Even though this is a character’s dialog, this still feels like Author Intrusive preachy Telling. That it follows pages of Telling making the very same point only makes it worse]

an ignorant place
[Places can be hot or cold, but ignorance is the aspect of its people]

A few more instances of the weaknesses of Telling: it makes it easy to lose where you are and what you're saying, and almost always makes it harder to convey those things. Many points here were unclear because Telling gave a vague idea and sometimes disagreed with what you Showed. You're still setting things up in advance, which is good, but there's still a lot of Telling glossing over, which is bad. Shouldn't be hard to change, just time consuming. I've done it in my original works.
7/13/2015 c16 Ganheim
Chapter 17
leave this dismal
[What happened to Lucca’s enthusiasm?]

door that had a sign
[Long and wordy]

twisted the only door
[Why do they know this? Why would this door require a handle when it’s the one most likely to be used by agents with no hands free?]

reason other than amazement
[Unnecessary obfuscation]

The reader might suppose
[Author Intrusion, Breaking the 4th wall. Don’t Tell us, Show!]

With hearts devoid
[Telling. Showing desolation, desolation, and desolation would Show and help create audience sympathy]

hints of unyielding storms
[Telling]

itself, were toppled
[Passive. “gargantuan structures rivaling Castle Guardia sprawled over the ground like fallen giants” is active]

they could only restate
[Telling, made all the more awkward by the fact that you SHOW in the next line]

Up a Tree house." It's good, funny stuff with a charged storyline that brings a good amount of emotion which you would never expect with the name of the title.
Locuster: I have held his review of my other Crono story in high esteem, and I intend to do so with every criticism. This is a man who knows what he's talking about. He is a hard-core storywriter and editor, and if you felt that my story was vivid and painted, you should see his work, "The Crono Trigger

Chapter 18
strong was their feeling
[Telling. Also lacks grounding in place, person, time. Did you jump back to 1000AD? We have no idea because you don’t set the scene]

Instead, they looked
[Who? We’re getting to the 3rd paragraph and we still don’t have a focal character]

even more brooding
[Brooding is thought, gloomy is atmospheric. Both are probably Telling]

any form of life
[Plants are alive, too. You don’t mention if there’s moss and lichen everywhere, if giant trees poke up from beyond the rubble, or if the landscape is as barren as Abydos of the Stargate movie]

Crono felt his foot
[Passive, implies the world is doing the moving instead of him]

unlike any thing
[anything]

smooth as eroded stone
[Eroded stone is rarely smooth. Ever seen the bottom of the sphinx? That’s water erosion]

companions timidly followed
[Telling, another reason to avoid adverbs]

walked several yards
[That’s it? The dust and signs of entropy should be the evidence that assuages their tension, but the scale of destruction alone should make them unsure what to make of it]

Whatever had caused
[hadverb]

hell happened here
[This question is rather late. Apparently they notice the destroyed city, walk for a few minutes, then shrug it off before she suddenly goes back to noticing and asking this]

impact points
[impact craters?]

world that's engaged in a war
[that WAS. Your descriptions indicated twice they figured this out already]

these marks are old
[An important fact that you identified, glossed over, then returned to here. Feels odd]

pointed ahead mutely
It was absolutely
had been clearly [also passive, hadverb]
[adverb]

eroded by time itself
[Telling. What details show them? Also don’t forget which character is your focal point. Chrono might be sharp-eyed but unknowledgeable, Lucca might be more educated but less perceptive]

The best way to describe it
[Wordy, unneeded]

If they were closer
[Telling. Only show us what the characters can see, this reinforces audience bond with the character]

attention was diverted to see
[Awkward, wordy]

They yelled for
[Telling]

to be merely scrap metal
[adverb, also wordy. just “rusted” works, presuming they used non-corrosion-resistant iron-based alloys. I personally used a different interpretation with lots of ceramics, but each author’s vision is different]

that had been
[hadverb]

rusted until it had turned orange
[As opposed to rusted until it was blue?]

machinery that would have never caught the eye of her counterparts
[Undescriptive]

while she silkily
[‘silkily’ makes me think of flirtatious behavior, but she’s pouting here]

causing a distraught Lucca to warn him
[Telling. You showed us running up to the device and an argument over it that led to no plot or character development (description would’ve helped), so I don’t see why this isn’t shown]

They had failed to notice
[hadverb. Unclear]

in an irritated cowardly mode
[Does not seem to match Lucca’s speech patterns]

silent as if he took
[Does he or doesn’t he? Isn’t his POV the narration focus?]

He simply muttered
[adverb, Telling]

Lights and radars buzzed
[Radar is a complex system coming together to perform a singular function, not a plural of objects. He also wouldn’t be able to recognize it. I don’t even think your Lucca would be able to understand it until after it’s operating for a while]

they were dusty
[They should have degraded away if concrete itself is crumbling]

checked the cache
[Doesn’t the computer dump the cache when it reboots?]

before the vehicles
[vehicle’s]

"You're a natural, Crono
[I thought it was Lucca driving, because she was taking charge of tech for a while. Clear descriptions are necessary]

He had been driving
[Passive. “he drove” is more active]

Lucca had quickly grown tired
[Passive, not supported by the descriptions]

Lucca stretched herself
[If it’s a military vehicle, there’s not room to stretch in a crew chair]

They would tell
[Why are we not being SHOWN this conversation happening to the focal character?]

Women are nurturers by nature
[Does not fit first-person phrasing. Also not objectively true, or teenage mothers would never leave their toddlers to freeze in the car while they go out on dates with sleazy men. Humans are humans
Also, this whole paragraph is Telling]

Any person who
[This whole paragraph is Telling. It takes us away from the action, from the progressing scene, and hence from the characters. Don’t Tell us what it might mean, SHOW us what Nadia perceives and what she’s concerned about through her internal dialog]

the chancellor had
[Also odd as the king already commanded it and was only bargaining as a ploy to control Nadia]

went throughout her
[down is more concise]

he had become
[Passive. He ‘clammed up’? What else happens? Give us concrete details. The rise or knitting together of his eyebrows, the clench of his jaw]

not meaning to sound
[Wait, so are we focalizing through Chrono or Nadia? Jumping back and forth makes it harder for us to emotionally invest in any of them]

a strong sense
[unnecessary]

she had fallen
[fell. Also a lot of Telling in the paragraph, it doesn’t feel like her dialog or observations]

Instantly, her heart
[You describe the process as taking a while, hence it isn’t instant]

flood with jealousy
[I don’t see the catalyst to direct ire on Lucca]

True, we've been through a lot, but we've only known
[She’s indignant, these thoughts are too cool and detached. “we’ve been through a lot even if we’ve only…” better represents her expectations]

(for it had
[Telling. Avoid parentheticals]

True, women may
[Author Intrusive Telling, no character focalization]

to be civil
[subtle…I think]

I think I know what
[This sentence is too stiff and formal for an angry Chrono. People revert to short, clipped sentences when they’re mad]

was beginning to break
[cracked]

Marle felt horrible
[Telling (lacks character focus). Also seems a strange track to go when she decided to drop pretences and push him to talking]

as Marle feared
[Isn’t guilt in not cooperating with her what she wanted?]

he felt pangs
[Telling, head jumping]

his horrible past
[His father’s past isn’t Chrono’s past]

day would suddenly
[adverb]

engage in theological
[philosophical, I think]

so therefore he felt guilty
[repetition]

Chapter 19
shattered and broken
[repetition]

as the treads
[If concrete is crumbling, treads would be rusted scrap that would fall off. The only treaded tank that could still be used after 10 years without extensive maintenance was a Russian tank that sank into a bog, hence having no exposure to oxygen]

that had tried their
[Passive, repeat]

they lay themselves
[Armoured fighting vehicles have little internal space, not enough to lay in. They could lean awkwardly]

They were curled
[Passive, feels like Telling instead of Chrono’s observations]
7/13/2015 c15 Ganheim
Chapter 16
banged against him armor
[?]
which desired to nurse the wound
[Wait, so the hand had an independent desire? A reflexive action might happen but wouldn’t seem worth drawing attention away from the action]

while continuing to thrust while
[Too many ‘while’s and subjects. Long sentences do not help action scene]

for the escapee's head
[Which one? Chrono and Fritz are both there and desperation could be driving both]

The guard yelled
[The one who was knocked out? This is why you need to identify the actors]

furiously before
an incredibly painful
to push forcefully
[adverb]

go to gave
[give]

the guard's face
[Was he not armoured?]

Fritz almost seemed
[Show us what IS, not what a different character might see]

could not possible
[possibly]

identify with her
[That’s sociological association. Just “identify her” is perception]

finally failing to
[adverb, wordy, wrong tense]

smoke began to billow
[A smoke grenade. And yet they think it’s a fragmentation grenade later despite the fact that it already begins operating here]

large explosion
[Fragmentation grenades don’t billow smoke]

shook the entire connecting bridge
[But a fragmentation grenade doesn’t have that kind of force, it operates by flinging small bits]

guards seemed to
[Don’t tell us what things seem, show us what is visible]

They landed against the door
[The trio?]

They had worked
[hadverb]

(evidently a part
[Avoid parentheticals, especially Telling ones like this]

and imaginary crimes
[Was that not exactly what they were looking for? Records of their ‘crimes’?]

you have any plans
[So is Chrono overwhelmed or is he steady and proactive?]

your typical plan
[Do we need to get it? A scene break can skip that part of the conversation if it’s important we don’t get detail. If it is we should see the conversation play out]

soldiers to pursue him
[He is if soldiers petition Porre for extradition, that concept goes back about as far as kingdoms. Assassinations go back even farther]

and they would not
[Is this Chrono&co? Guardia? Porre? This is why agents need to be clear]

can you lend us some money
[When he’s been locked up for weeks? He shouldn’t have a pence on him]

seemed dismal to Lucca's
[Telling. Head-jumping]

not a single soul
[But the mention of the storm waited until the next sentence]

who it the voice was
[I don’t get it]

He was grinned in
[wasverb?]

seethed in between his teeth
[Repetition]

you are correct!
[If the next sentence isn’t shouted, neither is this one]

and glared angrily
[repetition, adverb]

tremor that could be confused for the wind
[Roundabout. ‘only the wind kept their company until a rumble intruded through the bridge’ is active and concise]

whom those eyes
[The chancellor? You describe quite a trip that doesn’t seem to put it in place for earlier cameo, and the chancellor was the only person identified]

only looked at his feet
[Why would he look away?]

It seemed that
[Telling]

that Lucca had
[hadverb]

useful in this battle
[Pea shooters are not often useful against tanks]

single shot revolver
[Flintlocks and other such weapons are single shot, but by definition a revolver carries multiple rounds that it accesses through a revolving system]

making malfunctions or power surges
[Neither of those would be impossible. Running out or fuel detonations would be impossible]

told me that its skin is impenetrable
[This wasn’t obvious? It seemed so from your description. Another reason why tight character focalization is important]

rooftops and steeples
[repetition, even if one is a subunit of the other]

frantically, yet nimbly
and suddenly it
[adverbs]

It seemed as if
[Telling. Show us what happens, not what won’t]

he did something
[Passive, vague, takes us out of the scene]

body slid down
[slide?]

the size grape
[I have no idea what this means]

swung in gaping arcs
[‘gape’ normally refers to a gap. This implies that it swings but misses a lot]

as they had become uncovered
[Telling. Does the dragon tank actually open up? Then show us! The sound detail is good, but only when reinforced with other details]

and hastily shoved
[adverb]

as if something had
[Telling. Also problematic: Chrono struck it several times with nary a scratch]

that seemed to feel
[Telling]

In fact, you could
[Author Intrusive Telling]

they had found
[hadverb]

frowned in contempt,
[1: not a speech tag 2: the emotion implied seems wrong. Anger? Disappointment? Weariness?]

intentions were impure
[How so? He’s trying to escape, that could imply lots of things. None that I can think of having anything to do with Nadia (yet)]

Crono started quickly
[adverb]

Almost as if they
[Telling. “raising crossbows in unison’ gets the point across better]

The king looked
[Source Mixing: Lucca’s action, the king’s response and dialog]

eyes tightly and expected
[adverb, might slip into passive]

before they would embed
[We get the point. If you have to Tell us multiple times your scene might not be able to hold itself up]

attack of conscious
[They woke up? Or do you mean conscience?]

A voice boomed
[Chrono and Lucca both have known Nadia too long to not recognize the voice. Not making it clear is just being obtuse]

indignation and anger
[Same thing in this context]

According to tradition and law
[Um…no. She made the declaration on the spur of the moment. Any consequence is according to her word, not tradition. Unless you’re saying she has a tradition of beheading guards]

began to ask her father profusely
[Telling, undescriptive]

biased and lunacy
[He watches the moon? More loosely, this phrase is awkward]

It almost seemed
It appeared pleasing
immaculate leader began to surface
[Telling]

It was mentioned earlier
[But not Shown, I suppose. This whole paragraph is Telling, and jumping into Lucca when the rest of the chapter was (if barely) focalized on Chrono]

and pushed the door
[The sentence after ‘and’ is unneeded]

dashed madly through
[adverb]

That had caused
[hadverb]

Fritz gratefully obeyed
[Telling, adverb]

True to his words
[Chrono has no ability to control them, hence he couldn’t have made a promise leading to this phrasing]

certain that they had continued
[1: I hate ‘that they had’ construction 2: guards are the last identified source, hence the vague ‘they’ refers back to them. “the trio” is more unique]

Chapter 17
than any other worlds
[Telling, though if the narrative was character-focalized this could be a valid thought from one of them. They’ve only been to 2 ‘worlds’]

bumbling into any
[Awkward. Where are they relative to the environment (which isn’t actually clearly described besides “dusty and cobwebs”) and to each other?]

place they did not belong
[Like time out of time?]

It was a very odd in which they stood
[I have no idea what this means]

which the group detested
[Telling, unimportant to the scene. If you want to make something of it, SHOW one of the characters acting in revulsion or some appropriate observable reaction]

seemed ludicrously gaudy
[Given that they just ran from a decorated castle, this seems inappropriate]

Crono smirked as
[Why? He doesn’t understand]

big deal is…"
[is…?”]

considered impossible
[‘should be impossible’ – she’s her era’s leading expert. She’s somewhat unique in being able to judge this]

deny the very laws of physics
[Magic can do that, and they came from a world that has stories of magic]

Lucca seemed as if
[Telling. Show us what she DOES, unless she’s the ‘narrator’ focal character, in which case show us what she sees and looks for]

To their horror
[They were faced with execution minutes ago. “horror” does not fit something going right]

It was Marle who
[Telling. Let the Showing you do in the next paragraph work on its own (though a speech tag/indicator might be nice)]

They had entered
[hadverb]

most incredible things
It almost seemed
[Telling]

people has invented
[hasverb]

dream of being a masterful inventor
always been my dream
[Repetition, both feel like Telling to me]

machines designed to carry
[Telling. Also probably beyond his ability to judge]

far sharper and more solid
[He can’t know this]
7/13/2015 c14 Ganheim
Chapter 16
drops of water flood
[Drops don’t flood unless you’re Particle Man. Or does the water get him instead?]

and was slightly stunned
[was-adverb]

guards leering at
[Sneering might be more appropriate, that connotation always includes disdain]

he had just [hadverb]
he was hungry [wasverb]
guards were feasting [wereverb]
[I know one of these could’ve worked, but this is a LOT of passive in one sentence]

they were greedily devouring what was left in a basket
[they devoured pastry from a familiar basket – more of a change in sentence construction, but this edges too close to passive telling. Everything after ‘basket’ is also unnecessary]

themselves more disgusting
[Author Intrusive Telling. You were just SHOWING us the progressing scene, don’t slip out of Chrono’s perspective into this passive Telling!]

his pride made him refuse
[Passive in presentation, though the word construction is active which I normally like. Still telling. Instead, showing him crossing his arms and turning away from the guards would’ve been character-focused instead of peripheral focused]

They laughed rudely
[adverb]

If they had known
[Author Intrusive Telling: the whole paragraph]

except being rude
[And releasing tension according to Rage Theory]

The guards were
[Source Mixing: before it’s Author Intrusive Telling, now it’s a guard]

were involuntarily twitching
[startled]

guards began to order
[Telling]
stop that,
[Showing, if via dialog]

guard yelled furiously
[adverb]

you two fags can't do
[What do moronic guards have to do with cigarettes?]

were able to shatter
[Awkward, Telling. Don’t drift into what might be, show us what IS HAPPENING]

that was a mistake
[Author Telling]

Crono had prepared
[hadverb]

prison a few days ago
[Author Intrusive Telling – mid action-paragraph, you are jumping out of the present to tell us something in the pass that never needed to see in the first place. The worn state of the prison was clear in the scene opening, jumping to ‘guard took brick to face’ would’ve been concise and enough information]

The guard turned
[Why? He was leaving. Chrono could’ve slipped it out of a shadowy corner, behind him, from a covered spot, or a spot by the window as the guard paused for a breath]

face full of scratches
[Why?]

move in slow motion
[Because it failed? I know that a cinematic might show this, but you can indicate this without actually calling it out by describing the flight of the brick rather than Telling like this]

dead-on accurate
[Repetition]

some areas were not lighted
[Passive]

slid the sword under his belt so that the sword hung by the hilt
[Why would he take a heavy, awkward sword instead of aiming for full Solid Snake stealth?]

avoid a struggle
[Telling]

events were occurring
[Blunt for a transition, does not describe where, when, or with whom. Is it Prometheus and Mother chatting over tea? It could be, given your lack of setting details]

two had been talking
[Still unclear, and if the scene WAS set this is an awkward step back. Indicate where/who/when BEFORE the bullets are flying (literal or metaphorical)]

They had talked
[Is this vital? Then you should show us. Is it not? Then don’t draw our attention to such a complicated plot]

is right; for
[Usually I point to semicolons and say ‘period or comma’, but here I think the second bit is unneeded]

So much hypocrisy
[Voice is unclear, which makes it look like Author Intrusion. This could be a thought from Nadia, but it’s not phrased, formatted, or punctuated like one]

daughter was forced
[would be]

he had won this
[hadverb]

he felt strangely
[adverb]

And thus we see
[Breaking the 4th wall, Author Intrusive Telling]

connected by bridges…bridges that connected
[Repetition throughout the paragraph]

You might wonder
[Breaking the 4th wall]

cell earlier which was housed by a lonely prisoner
[Cells house prisoners, they are not housed by prisoners. Unless your prisoner is a gigantic corpse being used as a prison]

so he merely
[adverb]
that simply lay
[adverb]

no evidence of broken bones or any scratch marks, so either this person was devoured or he was starved to death
[I don’t see how the details indicate those things. Decomposition takes a while depending on the circumstances, but cloth would’ve rotted before the flesh was all gone]

He had noticed
it had cleared
[hadverb]

hoping that god
[Probably capitalized if there’s only one, should say ‘gods’ if there’s plural in this setting]

if you cannot go
[Breaking the 4th wall]

he began to move…fingers not budging
[Your description is self contradictory]

their unnatural use
[Climbing isn’t an unnatural use, it’s unusual]

Steam began to rise
[(water) steam only forms at 100 C]

When a person
[Author Intrusion. This whole paragraph took us away from the action]

but one would be
[Breaking the 4th wall]

pleasantly cool sensation
[I’ve been through activity like what Chrono had. That’s not a pleasant cool, it’s an adrenaline crash and flood of pain held off from sheer will in a burning exhaustion]

He had managed to choose
[Passive, should’ve been a continuous scene instead of jarring scene break. That indicates a shift in person, place, time]

It was a little different
[Nondescriptive. You can’t say “it was different” if we have no frame of reference to start with]

this seemed more like
[How? What details identify it as such?]

he could understand
[Telling]

he had wandered
[hadverb]

used for execution or torture
[These are normally distinct areas. Torture is done on people you want alive (such as an unpopular landowner you want to seize assets from but need a signed deed from). Execution is done on somebody you don’t want alive (such as an unpopular landowner with broad but fickle popular support that has eroded your popular support)]

with evil purposes
[Author Intrusive Telling, undescriptive. Devices are technology, it’s what they’re used for that makes them aspects of evil (not evil itself). As you seem to be portraying Guardia as a corrupt empire fated to fall, this would be a good point to give specifics on things there (like hanging irons, various bludgeons, spike-studded chairs)]

hair that was held in stocks
[How would hearing lead to this conclusion?]

Stocks were horrific torture
[1: stop Telling, 2: stockades were common and humane methods of humiliation that have been more vindicated by history than the guillotine, doing little but restricting movement for the hours of a sentence and virtually always public]

What a moment
[?]

destroyed the lock with one swing
[breaking the iron sword on the thick lock]

quickly faded as he twisted
[So much for trying to maintain a gloomy atmosphere]

pirates had ransacked
[1: hadverb 2: why are we getting backstory dump when it isn’t changing the immediate scene?]

happened weeks ago, and they have done this to me many times
[In other words he has been released many times]

get to him
[to the chancellor? Or Fritz? Last males identified]

"I know a private way out!"
…straight to the entrance
[That sounds like the main causeway]

might as well be a scholar
[Not being stupid is not the same as being smart]

cautiously peering around
[checking around each corner?]

of the prison sway
[If swaying is visible in anything except hypothermic hysteria or an in-progress collapse, this is not based on real world physics]

moments to register
[I don’t see how sprinting could be unclear]

no thick armor weighed them down
[Most armour is designed to distribute across the body, negating much of weight’s normal encumbering effects. It would take a while before endurance became the deciding factor, and guards are probably trained]

knew that they must have been armed
[Telling. Show us Chrono glancing over his shoulder to see crossbows]

became giddy at the thought
[Head-jumping, Chrono doesn’t know what they’re thinking]

taking some traitors
[Why? They could be honest guards trying to stop suspected convicts and violent criminals from escaping into an unprepared populace]

show of smoking sparks
[smoking?]

lightly piercing his
[adverb]

drawing a good amount of blood
[wordy]
7/13/2015 c13 Ganheim
Chapter 14
if I did anything else
[Like…going into the prison with the guy he’s suspicious of?]

deep reservoir of fear
[You can’t use this phrase, you already repeated it more than once before. “Say it thrice, wash away the conviction”]

All he could offer
[Telling]
"It will all work
[Showing]

I wish I could
[Don’t break the 4th wall. If your characters aren’t strong enough to get the point across, the fault is with how you’re portraying them]

deductive reasoning of the law
[Deductive reasoning is not often present in courtrooms, past or present]

An old judge
[Is it important to get an infodump-style backstory on this judge when his motivations aren’t important to the story. This paragraph is also rather passive, Author Intrusive (comes from no character) and takes us away from the sense of progressive time and scene]

witnesses or people who shall testify
[That’s the same thing]

The chancellor was
[Paragraph is still Author Intrusive, passive. Has no sense of rooting in character]

Now we reach
[Author Intrusive Telling, the whole paragraph]

"Objection
[Who said this? There are LOTS of characters here, and you haven’t even clearly identified who asked to call Nadia to the stand]

pat on his shoulder
[This would be physically impossible unless you radically change the courtroom]

does not wish
[Then what happened to using Chrono to extract the truth out of her]

only seventeen years of age
[That’s of age in every society but Information Age cultures, of which there aren’t even a ton even in the modern world. Just “she’s not of age” could’ve been enough]

Chapter 15
How is one
[Author Intrusive, doesn’t set the where, when, who. Don’t tell us “chrono enters the court”, show us him shuffling in chains through the door and glancing up at the apathetic people]

shame had came
[hadverb]

smile humorously
[adverb]

He could hear
[He heard]

Suddenly, Crono's
[adverb]

an impromptu path
[As built up as you implied the city is, I don’t think there’s such a thing as an impromptu path. The past city had lots of undeveloped spaces where impromptu paths are wherever you can get through. If you mean making his way through the crowd, then ‘opening through the crowd’ is clear and concise]

denounce him ignorantly
[adverb]

Lucca had brought
[adverb]

but he realized
[Telling. Unnecessary]

He did not receive
[Telling that takes us out of the scene. Skip right to what DOES happen]

accused of treason
[Wasn’t it kidnapping?]

His jaw involuntarily
[Adjective, but this sentence is showing]
Suddenly, a large amount
[Adjective, and the paragraph shifts into Telling, looses the character voice]

carried on. The lawyer
[Source Mixing]

Something must be
[If it can’t be described through the characters, it shouldn’t be jammed into the story]

his daughter would have to confess
[You seem to go back and forth between whether he’s trying to kill Chrono just because he can or force Nadia to ‘confess’ (either what did happen or what he wants to hear)]

"I wish to persecute
[prosecute]

and had sworn
[Telling…through the rest of the paragraph]

allow it; 's personal files
[Wasn’t 1000AD a roughly renaissance society? Now you’re going into expectations that are only being set up in Information Age societies. Guardia does not have a Stasi]

between insane anger
[I think you’re trying to refer to Insanity and anger, two separate concepts. At least in situations like the court]

be beyond him
[Why?]

full conscious
[conscience? Consciousness? I don’t know what you’re trying to refer to]

evidence A; ransom
[,]

The perpetrator had
[hadverb]

prepared a place
[Places are not often prepared, especially for ‘drops’ like this. They’re selected]

crimes committed by insanity are immediate in nature
[Untrue, but your story society might not have the information we now have]

down a sight
[What sight? The game indicated guns didn’t come into existence until after 1000AD and Lucca’s was an anomalous prototype that you seem to have written out]

Pierre feinted surprise
[feigned. Unless he has low blood sugar]

He could remember
[Distant telling. You shift back into present-progressing story with the dialog below, so I don’t know why you broke out of the scene here. It just draws the audience out of your story]

what did he think of that justice
[Preachy. You’ve just gone from eroding my sympathy for the characters to eroding my sympathy for the author]

He paused. It was
[The pause is in the scene. Everything after steps away from the present, Telling]

would have given
[Telling. Tighter focalization could’ve allowed this sentiment to feel like a thought from the character in question, but as drifting as this is it can only come from the author]

proclamation of love
[I see no dialog for this. Just a couple wandering sentences of telling that I thought was just internal fury. I don’t think the specifics are important, his patriotism isn’t central or much a part at all of progression through the scene]

Crono and something
[Repetition of ‘and’. A sentence break could go here instead and disrupt nothing]

but he seemed
[Author Intrusive Telling]

wanted this victory
[Undescriptive]

treat the defendant as hostile
[I presume you’re referring to american law where a _witness_ is combative. Online legal dictionaries indicate hostile witness is one at such opposition to the side that called him/her that the opposition is granted permission to cross-examine. This is not what you’re doing where the chancellor is trying to force the defendant to self-incriminate without having evidence to do so, and not something most nations even in their renaissance protected against]

become deafly silent
[The deaf are not always silent. Or did you mean _deathly_?]

thing that Crono had feared
[Passive, lacks phrasing as if from character focus]

It is when he is dead because
[I have no idea what this means]

people who had
[hadverb]

when Crono had
[hadverb. Also: I saw nothing to indicate that Chrono was a revolutionary. A lot of emotional accusations, but as much vitriol as the chancellor brought in I don’t think he proved anything, especially with Nadia having run in and added her 2 cents]

"You sure gave
[Who said this? Where? When? In a teleportation/time travel story, within the first sentence of a new scene you MUST answer those questions]

They were walking
[Passive, this paragraph’s information should mostly be present before the dialog. Even with it I don’t know if it’s a guard or chancellor]

weather had taken
Crono was arranged
[Passive]

still smiled sardonically
[Sardonic is mocking cynicism, typically in response to conversation. I think you meant ‘sadism’, but that would leave this Author Intrusive Telling. If you want to reinforce the kingdom of Guardia a corrupt tyranny waiting to be crumbled then show the guards treating him like a toy to beat when they’re bored, if you want to portray this like most jail guards make them bored and apathetic, being rough more because they don’t care than because they intend to do anything]

Did Crono hear correctly
[Looks like the author doesn’t know and asks the audience. This should be a thought coming from Chrono]

while he struggled vainly
[Runon, the focus of the sentence is the chancellor anyway, this isn’t needed]

We were lucky
[are]

that we have a shot
[The guard doesn’t have the shot, even the chancellor would result in national upheaval. Flipping the source of the lines (guard before, chancellor here) would help scale up the ambition and cross of the moral event horizon in an easier to follow source line]

cease her actions
[Too vague. Though an even more ‘keep herself under control’ might’ve been better]

mockingly waved a finger
[Not many other ways of waving a finger]

Chapter 16
stone which had seen
[And from active storm to passive text]

night sky constantly
[Just ‘flashed’ does fine, ‘constantly’ makes me think of manipulated Tesla photos]

towers that consisted
[stopping at ‘towers’ would’ve made the sentence concise]

wind had wakened
[woke]

his head gingerly
[adverb]

He was a little
[A lot of “noun was” construction in this paragraph]
7/13/2015 c12 Ganheim
Chapter 13
He was large
[Your description doesn’t identify the person, which is bad as there are a LOT of people in the scene – this could be a captain of the guard, you’ve forgotten important identification or backpedaled before]

in an accusatory
[His dialog shows, this is just Telling]

She should have expected
[This could’ve made sense coming from the character, but it’s phrased/formatted as Author Intrusive Telling. Much of this paragraph]

she had failed
[hadverb]

steps. Meanwhile, her father
[Source Mixing, from Nadia’s ruminations to Guardia’s actions]

do nothing. The chancellor
[Source Mixing, Nadia to chancellor here]

Chapter 14
gray blocks and cement
[I think you’re using technology ahead of the roughly-Rennaisance setting implied in canon. Concrete was known in the late iron age, but was not a widespread building material until the late Industrial Era. Cinderblocks are a derivative of that and came into use even later]

Crono winked a
[blinked]

He sluggishly shifted
[He wakes in a strange, drab facility and is not worried? He should be stumbling to his feet and looking around]

bars that were built
[-that]

jolt of realization
[Does he not remember his capture?]

He was in
[Telling, highlighted by the fact that you already Showed]

The king was furious
[Telling, the whole paragraph. Also doesn’t set the scene: last you showed was a prison cell with Chrono. Is the king there? You need to place where we are after a scene break within the first new sentence – at least start indicating where the new action takes place]

wondered if he should have ever had her
[This is an extremely serious sentiment that removes ALL of my sympathy for the character, as well as seems to disagree with the canon character. Is he questioning Nadia’s sanity or perceptive ability? That would make sense]

they had done
[did]

The king was not
[Still Telling. You have yet to put us in a present scene]

clever and crafty
[Means the same thing in this context]

admit what she had done
[This implies he already knows/suspects what she did (many adults ARE like this), but your earlier Telling indicated he didn’t know]

It went like so
[Author Intrusive Telling, not even a shadow of character focalization. I’m not sure how the plan is important, the fact that he imprisoned Chrono alone is the important part. I’m not sure if the execution is his idea or chancellor’s in canon, but unless you’re trying to set him up as harsher in your story I don’t think moving the responsibility to him is the right track. Unless he’s just threatening execution to get information…]

He was not a cold-hearted beast
[Telling, disagrees with the plan]

shrewd nature
[This whole paragraph is Telling, all the more ineffective because it indicates two things: that he’s smart and he’s stupid. The rationalization doesn’t resemble a moral, responsible, long-term visionary as much as it does “I have reserves, I’ll just meatgrind my way to victory even if it’s a petty victory” like Sima Yi, feeling no less inaccurate than Sima Yi of Romance of the Three Kingdoms (compared to the brilliant historical one). This is very good setup if you are planting seeds of the Guardia kingdom collapsing at the end of your story, and the king being as conniving and heartless as the councilor asserted in the Rainbow Shell arc of the game, but if you want us to like him it’s doing the opposite]

"Father!" The voice
[This is a castle, it could be lots of people. Maybe a guard has a problem and one of the king’s attendants is the father. If you want us to know it’s Nadia, at least add a feminine descriptor of some sort]

It should be noted
that he was not angry
[Telling when it should be shown. Showing would indicate the how, removing the need to note he’s angry]

You cannot ask for trust and have it granted
[Um…yes you can. It’s called civilization, which requires implicit trust or it dissolves into anarchy. You can’t _demand_ trust, which carries an implication of not earning trust]

how can I believe you
[What happened to his plan to get the truth from her? If he refuses to believe anything she says, he’s already decided to execute Chrono just for being there. I’d only accept a decision like that from Kefka Palazzo]

Now, the king truly
[Author Intrusive Telling]

She had touched
[hadverb]

It was him that always had the knowledge of weakness
[I have no idea what this means]

because you want to know what we did
[Did she not tell him?]

Marle had frozen
[froze]

What a sad thing
[This isn’t even pretending to come from a character, this is Author Intrusive throwing notes tied to bricks at us because you WON’T show us]

admitted she was wrong
[Where was there an accusation she could have admitted to? According to what little you’ve shown, he’s just been treating her badly and she should bow to him because…plot, I guess]

He seemed like
[Again you jump to a new character – who might’ve been in the previous scene – and fail to establish WHERE we are in the new scene]

almost hoping for
[Telling. This whole paragraph]

began to write things that he did not remember
[Does this mean he’s falsifying testimony or records? Most people CAN’T write things they don’t remember because that means that knowledge isn’t available]

if it doesn't match the suspicion, you could get just a slap on the wrist
[Does he mean if it DOES? There’s a lot of suspicions, some of them important]

as if he had lost his mind
[Why would Chrono do such an obvious thing? It’s not an unreasonable request, especially from the lawyer’s perspective. None of THEM know about time travel]

Crono's rights
[Do not extend to being free from observation. Even the idea of freedom from self-incrimination is a relatively new one to expect the government to enforce (it’s not held in most governments on modern earth), it seems odd to attribute it so strongly to a setting that appears early Renaissance nation]

you should be the one on trial for treason
[I don’t understand why he’s acting like this. So far we’ve only seen a pragmatic, probably overworked lawyer]

forced to live in filth and squalor until their sentence was complete
[That was the case for every culture and point in history I know…except the Quakers, whom records indicate treated their prisoners with dignity and expected them to become productive and saw very low recidivism]

It had not gone
[This paragraph comes off as Author Telling. It lacks something to make it look like it came from Chrono]

he had heard
[Makes the paragraph look passive and unengaging]

Then again, if
[The awe of it gets only one sentence? Even if you can’t think of any expansion, this really should get its own paragraph to emphasize it. It’s a shift away from the lawyer at any rate, making it a different topic]

The meeting had taken
[This should have been indicated in the first paragraph of the interview scene]

bruises that were
[Passive, I’d have stopped at ‘bruises’]

animalistic lust for torture
[There’s some dispute, but consensus as far as I’m aware is that only humans torture. Hence this sentence is ‘trying too hard’]

tension had made
he had seen
[hadverb]

animosity and angst from
[Why would the guards feel angst instead of lethargy? They’re in a prison where they think they control everything]

was kneeling on the floor as was Marle
[knelt on the floor with]

so that they were staring
[A lot of passive and distancing wordiness in this paragraph]

weep bitterly and apologize profusely
[Too many adverbs in proximity]

what subliminal message
[That’s not a subliminal message, it’s silent and obvious]

nothing but the order of the king
[Presuming that the has authority in the matter. Just as a captain of medicine in an air force unit cannot command his squadron’s strategic objectives but can override when sickness is the focus, she might not have absolute authority. Especially if your interpretation of the setting is mid-late Renaissance. Here she’s already known to be emotionally compromised, it’s possible the guards with Chrono (or her) have already been ordered not to heed her orders]

he insulted me
[He ignored her]
7/13/2015 c11 Ganheim
Chapter 12
but instinctively cringed
[As the cringe seems more valuable than the instinct, I’d remove the adverb]

guests had seen
[saw]

dinner was not without its pleasantries
[This paragraph is Telling]

three were eating
[ate]

they would rest
[Future tense]

that had overcome them
[This implies they were outdone, instead of just involved]

In fact, he said
[True, but distant. Doesn’t seem like a direct character memory]

name?" Lucca began
[Source Mixing. Chrono’s thoughts started, then suddenly Lucca is talking]

bound by…respect that boundary
[Repetition]

The king had expected
[Telling]

but he realized
[Thoughts of non-viewpoint character]

mind have set him
[Phrasing indicates present tense instead of past. The ‘have’ seems to muddle things, I think]

two had met
[hadverb]

he looked like that
[I always felt that the precise identity never came together until later. By this sentence, there’s no question that he IS Glenn, successor to Cyrus and survivor of Magus. By him being a prodigy swordsman with odd protectiveness of Guardia, there’s a sense of intrigue]

pang of guilt
[Why would Marle feel guilty for a look when Lucca was supposed to be the one who screamed at him and didn’t get along until after the queen’s rescue?]

only god himself
[Your references so far have all been singular, which would indicate it should be capitalized whenever referring to the One God (the ‘Himself’ would also be included)]

realized that servants
[Not quite telling, but Chrono’s hand colliding with a servant’s hand as the servant attempted to collect a saucer or something would show all the more directly]

if he had missed
[hadverb]

he began to smile excitedly
[Just “he smiled” would’ve served fine]

had come quickly
[had-adverb]

rain had stopped
world had become dry
[hadverb]
occasional puddle
[So…not quite dry]

citizens of that quiet town
[Which one?]

were currently unaware
[adverb, but also a sign of Telling]

survival of the kingdom
[Kingdoms can live on without the king having an heir. Hereditary monarchies just have to trace up the family tree and look down other branches to find uncles, nephews, neices in those where queens were permitted other than by Rite of Marriage, cousins, and down through degrees of relation]

that they would leave
[Why do Chrono and Nadia think they’re going to leave? Only Lucca has the time key and she hasn’t told them about it in your story]

There was nothing
[From here, this paragraph is Author Intrusive Telling, taking us out of the characters in the story NOW. If he jokes about her not acting like a regal dame, put it in the present scene. Show]

mean?" There's no
[Typo quote mark?]

they had reached
thing had caused
[hadverb]

had eagerly waited for had
[Too many hads in proximity]

from the odd circle
[You said it only looked like a heat distortion. I like your idea that the portal doesn’t stabilize into the easy blue orb until Lucca’s device activates it, but if that’s your take stick with it]

this strange miracle
[Lavos not simply turning all of the protagonists into red mist on first encounter is a miracle. Them finding the portal was inevitable]

what had happened
[hadverb]

than a device to return
[Getting ahead of yourself. Chrono doesn’t know what something to get them into their time might be, this is just an odd thing]

launched from some chair
[Catapults launch things, but chairs generally do not]

Chapter 13
sunlight were shining
[shined/shone (depending on your dialect]

She simply nodded
Suddenly, she had stopped[hadverb]
[adverb]

the house. Crono
[Source Mixing: Lucca’s action to Chrono’s pondering…though why he’s thinking about the house when Lucca is acting odd seems strange to me. The layout of her house isn’t important, what Lucca’s doing RIGHT NOW is]

Obviously, Lucca had been
[Passive, adverb, and telling out-of-viewpoint. We don’t know until she calls out in the next sentence, at least a paragraph after her behavior changes and POV Chrono fails to note it]

She tried again but
[Telling. Shw the call, the pause, the furrowing of the brows]

It was a sad thing
[Telling. The rest of the sentence too. Also, “ailment” tends to refer to disease, instead of injury]

Lucca seemed very impatient
[Telling. Show us her being brusk, brushing off Chrono]

impatient wave of the hand
[You’re taking a step towards showing, but this could’ve been put in a more character-focal way:
Not taking her eyes off the old journal, Lucca turned a page with one hand and gave an off-hand wave with the other before reaching for a pen]

She merely nodded
[Telling instead of showing]

and looked about themselves
[Awkward]

Lucca lived in
[‘they walked through…’ might’ve been a better transition into the new surroundings, especially if you parceled it out as they encountered rather than telling in one data dump]

very dependable bridge that had been there for years, yet it did not show its age
[I have no idea what this means]

So that was decided
[Telling when you just showed us the decision]

pleasantly provincial
[Alliterative…but still telling without description]

beautiful in its simplicity
[Telling without description]

the charming simplicity
[Repetition, disagrees with the focal character Chrono]

What made you think…"
[Question missing its mark. Even if not completed, questions need that mark]

he had caught
he had told
where he had truly [adverb]
[hadverb]

It seemed to charm
[Feels more like telling. A paragraph break and the direct response would be a more concise way of showing the effect]

smell of beef and potatoes
[Trust me: in a small house as indicated by the game, this would be smelled as soon as the door opened. Granted, maybe you wanted to focus on how the characters dealt with each other]

diced carrots and spices that were thrown
[Carrots are dense and take a considerable amount of time to soften, they go in before meat in every dish I know of]

strangely more fun to eat
[Telling. How is it so?]

Marle began a little conversation
[Telling. Get right to what’s said]

"Example: Someone
[Semicolons are punctuation to be used sparingly. I’m also not sure this construction fits her speech patterns (she’s actually rather plain), just “what if” or something straightforward like that would seem to fit]

city that had building on either side of the streets
[Most cities have buildings on both sides of the streets]

a point should be made
[Author Intrusive Telling. Just “a transit company’s carriage strode up behind them” would’ve done fine]

he had seen it
[hadverb]

not realized the truth
[What truth? You describe an ordinary carriage. This whole paragraph is muddled and unclear, I’m not sure if you shift to describing the castle and forgot about the trip or if you backpedal and describe the carriage]

"Marle!"
They had entered
[1: Nadia is her birth/true name, as far as I can tell in canon and your story (based on this chapter). 2: Besides the hadverb, you backpedal. Describe them entering or striding up to a guarded gate and THEN guards shouting. Don’t describe the shouting and back up to what leads up to it]

Guards who were armed and dangerous
[‘armed and dangerous’ sounds like a joke outside a broadcast. Also wordy, just ‘armed guards’ gets across the same point]

with weapons drawn
[You already said they were armed. Now we need a description. Rapier? Halberd? Spear? Bardiche?]

she quickly overcame
[adverb]

ground which was very painful
[Telling, awkward phrasing]

which would only be an error
[Author Intrusive, takes us out of the immediate scene. I think it did the same for you, which is why the rest of the paragraph seems vague more than panic-induced frenetic]

helplessly. Thinking quickly
[Too many adverbs in proximity]

fist…began to overpower Crono
[I don’t care if you’re Jet Li, 1 fist can’t ‘begin to’ overpower a person. Either it knocks the sense out of them or it doesn’t, there’s not a lot of middle ground or edged weapons wouldn’t have been invented. "Begin to" is another weak construction many writers and editors recommend avoiding]

soldiers covering him
[Not according to your scene’s implications. They may surround him]

fine things that were at the hands…
[Telling, nondescriptive]
7/13/2015 c10 Ganheim
Chapter 11
mood was very gloomy
[Telling]
walked through the rain and down the muddy road
[Showing]

used to getting her clothes messy
[She was imprisoned with minimal if any food and water and was described as dirty and in ragged clothes anyway. An avoidance of mud might be habit, but a focus on grime is contextual and she’s in recovery right now]

they had just
[hadverb]
brightened accordingly
[adverb]

dance in the rain
[This is a rather drastic change, maybe overmuch if you’re trying to build or maintain a sense of drama. If this is intended to be a victory celebration sense, the setup indicated the opposite]

but luck had decided
[Telling]

they could hear the distant
[Passive. “horsehooves/shoes clomped over the muddy, packed earth” is active]

that were hastily making
[Passive, unclear]

They had an immense look
[Telling]

saw a proper woman
[As opposed to an improper woman? I don’t think Klinefelter's syndrome was recognized in the Medieval or Rennaisance period]

when they realized
[Telling. “Their eyes widened as they took in the ragged-dressed blonde, and they bowed in their saddles” shows us]

queen merely blushed
[adverb]

curtseyed politely with
[A curtsey is already polite, this is why I don’t like adverbs]

horses from their stables
[The monastery had stables? No mention was made, which is unusual. Normally I see you imply details before bringing them back as plot points]

you have freed
[haveverb]

that much had happened
[‘what happened’ would’ve been faster]

It was becoming
[Wordy, unnecessary]

listened carefully as
[adverb]

mulled every detail in his mind
he continued to ponder
[Repetitious]

had fooled them
[hadverb]

It almost seemed
[Passive, wordy]

screws in his armor poked
[If screws in his armour are even perceivable, it’s falling apart. Its bulk might press against them, but no effective armour in the world has spikes or screws jutting out]

muscle could be seen
[Passive, wordy. The fact that horses are there is more important than the specific build or breed]

who actually knelt to the ground
[I’ve seen camels and elephants do this, but I don’t suspect it’s natural for a horse. There’s a reason stools are available for amateurs in some places]

helped her down from her horse
[Wait, she mounted and there’s still complaint as if she can’t go? It seemed as if she couldn’t get on. Confusing, unclear]

had tightened exceedingly
[had-adverb]

and fall off;
[off.]

mind ruled over
[Is the problem that it does or doesn’t]

was simply enjoying
[enjoyed]

burst of speed
[Seconds after acknowledging his friend’s fear of horses]

had grown solemn
[grew]

He never enjoyed
[Head-jumping]

flash in the sky
[It’s flying? Most buildings would be on the horizon]

was able to see
[saw]

gates which were opened invitingly
[Unless they were closed, would they be important?]

who quickly helped
[Is the speed important? Then best not highlight it]

nor Frog seemed to realize
[Then why tell us?]

noblemen, noblewoman, knights
[List is too long]

Especially the king was present
[Awkward]

knights and people
[Are knights not people?]

His eyes went wide
[Who? The king was the last identified but you’ve got a lot of implied people]

she was by far
[Why are you telling us what the king thinks when we could be getting on with the story?]

Certain things are expected
[This entire paragraph is Telling, tangential to the plot]

Lucca, who had
[hadverb]

no one had taken notice
[Then why talk about it?]

one had realized
[hadverb]

seemingly disregarding
[There’s nothing ‘seemingly’ about this]

They were…what they had meant
[This is why identifying subjects is important. I think Chrono & team is the first they, but a lack of other identifiers implies the next is also Chrono. ‘the royals’ would imply the others]

Their question was
[Telling]

beg thee; do
[, do]

She almost seemed
[Telling. Show the what and how]

"Frog smiled
[Not dialog]

as if he did not
[Telling, head-jumping]

which they had done
[which they did]

believe it; had he
[. Had]

He always dreamed
[This makes sense, but is presented as outside Telling instead of interior thought]

he had dreamed
[hadverb]

It almost seemed
[Yes, and it feels like Telling as well as being cliché]

him now; kneeling
[now,]

king that immediately
[adverb]

These were questions he did not ask
[So in other words a wasted paragraph]

they did pester
[Show us this when they become the present, don’t jump around or we’ll lose interest]

Lucca was not as enthusiastic
[This is presented in the ‘outside summary’ Telling instead what the focal character Chrono would see from her]

she did feel
[Telling]

the first woman in Guardian history
[Protection of the timeline? What’s that? (I know it works, I’m just pointing out a paradox issue if you’re working with some continuity theories)]

respect and reverence
[Same thing in this context]

that there was…that was mistaken
[Repetition of structure]

but merely regarded
[adverb. I also don’t understand the sentence]

they should merely trust
[adverb. I also don’t believe it’s as much blind trust as coming to an understanding that only patience will help. Also: everything after this sentence is repetitious Telling]

No one was certain
[Telling]

it had vanished
[hadverb]

Crono exclaimed happily
[Makes sense, but I’d rather see the details that show it]

opposite. The queen
[Source Mixing]

that had come
[Now? Another reason to avoid hadverbs, I don’t know your intent]

not in a typical manner
[Unclear. Just get to what it IS]

He only said
[Unnecessary]

"its okay.
[It’s]

for Marle, it was
[telling]

guilty conscious
[conscience]

Chapter 12
He could not
[Who? Your typical focal point is Chrono]

Most…were joyous
[Telling. Show us a single good scene (since that seems to be representative)]

There were oil lamps
[Passive. “Oil lamps cast” is active]

portraits that were displayed
[‘that were’ is unnecessary]

Frog; or Glenn if
[Author Intrusion]

with art and
[Author Intrusion, Telling. The whole paragraph]

However, being a knight
[Wouldn’t this continue the artist thought?]

He had concluded
[Would’ve been nice to get this from his perspective, without hadverb]

king had left the room
[hadverb, and the Queen leaves her own room? I think not. They could converse in a hallway or a guest quarter given them by the king]

At that point
[Awkward transition where one isn’t needed]

accident at the fair
[THIS is a valid thing to tell in summary, it is something the characters would do but only repeat what the audience has been walked through]

that they had traveled
that they had waited
[that-hadverb]

she simply looked
[adverb]

around the castle
[She went all around the huge thing?]

It almost seemed as
[Telling]

she merely blurted
[adverb]

are Princess Nadia
[Not a title anymore? This is why I’d have swept it under the rug. I didn’t see anything wrong with your references until you tried to ‘fix’ it there]

stammered as she had done sooner
[Confusing]

Although she was the princess
[Author Intrusive Telling]

her; especially slightly attracted
[Slightly? Please…]

have judged you?
[Common sense and history? Even Chrono had to be surprised]

It was very true
[Author Intrusive Telling]

been described earlier
[Still Author Intrusive, also irrelevant because the other characters don’t know. Don’t Tell something that isn’t happening now, stick with the scene here and show as things are playing along]

how they had
[hadverb]

emotions in her
[I’d rather see the details that indicate than Telling the emotions]

He was in the throne
[Telling us he went to the throne room would be helpful, after-the-fact notes like this create a jarring sense of discontinuity. It would also enable you to describe where he goes as he enters it rather than long after as here]

Frog no longer replied
[This is a vague telling of what he didn’t. Tell us what he DID]

spoke as if he were frustrated
[Telling]
clenched his jaw as well as his fists
[Showing]

queen said imploringly
[The dialog alone should be able to indicate the imploring, the speech tag here is only an adverb]

They did not realize
[Then why bring it up? If they’re eavesdropping, this can be brought up later]

that they had understood
[-that -had]

see each other again in the future
[Or in the past]
7/3/2015 c81 Ghost Man
I do hope you have not given up or your muse has left thee as this is quite the story with a great many references from one who has done his homework. Please continue. Plead with your muse for the words to write and finish this epic novelization so others might read it and gain inspiration for their own.

Your associate worked something similar. Perhaps from each other, you might keep the muse pleased.

s/3150641/14/Chrono-Trigger-Fighting-Fate
6/2/2015 c9 Ganheim
Chapter 9
bolt of lightning would echo
[Thunder echoes, lightning flashes]

It had all the eerie
[Author Intrusive Telling]

casting a comforting
[Wait, they’re ON? In a non-occupied room of a medieval monastery?]

said Lucca!
[Lucca.]

queen is found her
[here]

Crono seemed to
[Telling]

feeling it over
[Why, given that you’ve described everywhere else as well lit?]

by a row of candles
[‘lit candles in a prayer station’ would eliminate the awkward next sentence]

pass for…claw marks
[Shouldn’t he think of them as blade scratches if he’s not outdoorsy?]

At that moment
[Author Intrusive Telling]

feeling into Crono and
[Pick one, preferably the narrative focal character]

her don't you!"
[you?”]

shouted out!
[Exclamation points don’t belong in narrative]

that had finally
[Author Intrusive Telling]

or now we can say
[Author Intrusive, breaking the 4th wall]

had leapt forward
[hadverb]

into a pew, shattering
[If they’re haphazardly causing this much damage now, Chrono and Lucca would’ve seen clear evidence of a struggle as soon as they entered, before the charade]

At that moment, it
[Author Intrusive Telling]

and it was still later
[If it doesn’t happen now, don’t waste letters on it in an action scene]

He had charged
[hadverb – also discontinuous narrative]

Suddenly, they froze
[Why? The poor situation was clear before]

sinew in your bones
[Sinew connects bones, marrow is the stuff inside]

smash was heard
[Passive]

yelled out a battle-cry
[Hint: action scenes can be enhanced typographically by using short sentences and paragraphs as short as possible. The extra white space forces the eyes to move down the page, creating the subconscious impression of action]

They stared wildly
[?]

It was hard to believe
[Author Intrusive. Just show us what’s there]

white underbelly
[This is covered by clothing, armour]

It was expected
[Author Intrusive]

person (if you
[Author Intrusion, parenthetical]

He did not scream
[Discontinuitive narrative. Don’t say something happens and jump back, show us what happens as it happens]

creature merely bowed
[adverb]

spoke very meekly insomuch
[Telling. Don’t tell us Lucca’s response before you show Glenn’s dialog]

Chapter 10
was still raging
[raged]

was still violently casting
[cast]

Little time was spared
[Passive]

that he had made
[that, hadverb]

Even then, there was no time
[Author Intrusive]

They had searched
They had explored
They had a look [also Telling]
[hadverb]

it was severely limited
[I don’t see how their search…taking time…limits their time. It DOES consume time they may not have to spare, but that’s not what you say]

cut him up
[This sounds like interest, but you show revulsion. She DOESN’T want to be closer to him]

felt slightly in danger
[I could understand perturbed (though it would be better if you’d SHOW instead of TELL)]

when she would stop
[He doesn’t know what she’s thinking]

Crono's gift was
[Telling. Why not just show the exchange?]

she received a crossbow
[So did she forget her revolver/pistol?]

quiver of arrows
[They’re called bolts on a proper crossbow, though I know heavy crossbows are sometimes utilitarian enough to be able to launch shortbow arrows if supplies are scarce]

guard's never found
[guards]

Suddenly Lucca seemed
[Telling]

amused and very impatient
[Are these not exclusive]

gears were turning
[turned]

had begun to shake
[shook]

pulled it open
[Problem: a wall that retracts inwards would not leave outward markings]

passageway was obviously neglected
[adverb- also disagrees with the known fact that it was used recently]

I am Crono
[The introductions should’ve happened before they agreed to search]

polished to sheen
[Why?]

how the mystics knew of such
[They couldn’t have built it?]

Now a small detail should be touched on
[Author Intrusive Telling]

international incident
[The game’s implication and your story is clear: they were at war]

Unbeknownst to them
[Then DON’T TELL US]

he would never be seen
[Passive, Telling]

unrelenting contempt
[But…he isn’t]

It was actually
[Passive, Telling]

rooms had caved
[hadverb]

basement went like
[Author Intrusive Telling. Show us as they encounter!]

he merely shrugged
[adverb]

frightening observation
[possibility]

It would serve them nothing
[Then why bring it up?]

chorus of clinks
[This implies numbers (or speed) that Frog doesn’t possess]

insulted his captors, and bargained
[These actions seem exclusive]

devouring the poor man whole
[Obviously not if his corpse is there]

able to receive much information
[Implausible, but if so why not show the conversation as they recount?]

leader of this small
[I know you’re trying to excuse the telling by claiming it’s characters doing it…but this is a LOT of information and it’s still presented as Telling, not Showing through conversation]

into fruitation
[fruition]

They had kept the
[hadverb]

monster had failed
[hadverb]

diligent enough to
[The word you’re looking for is ‘fanatic]

counselor or monster
[Which is it?]

had lost all his
[hadverb]

with a heart-wrenching sob
[Cliché]

they had no difficulty sneaking
[Uh…no]

was leaving through
[left]

It seemed wrong
[Telling, head-jumping away from Lucca]

If you could imagine
[Author Intrusive]
an awkward silence
[Showing. Why not skip to this?]

It would be best to describe
[No, it would be best to SHOW…which you did. Don’t Tell]

This monster was not
[Telling, the whole paragraph. It’s even crap we already know]

Yes, this beast
[Pointless Telling]

The second guard
[This paragraph is Passive and has lots of Telling]

cathedral knows
[Pick one: tell or show. I think the bellow alone was enough]

to his side…To the side
[Repetition. The exclamation could’ve been enough transition]

been there as long as the queen
[Your Telling indicated he was there a lot longer]

something bizarre began
[Passive, Telling]

He was hideous
[That’s racist]

do as monsters do! Die
[Is he declaring intent to die?]

And thus began
[Author Intrusive Telling]

was slightly intimidated
[adverb. Also head-jumping. For strongest narrative, pick ONE character and focalize on them, what they think and perceive. Don’t bounce around or you give a shallower, less gripping story]

something happened that
[Cliché, also a sign that Telling is soon to come]

blade graced across
[What is that? Did you mean ‘glance’?]

her majesty had
[Wasn’t she bound?]

felt himself go light
[Being thrown doesn’t make one light. The closest thing is massive blood loss, causing a false feeling of lightness due to oxygen deprivation]

hadn't already loading
[loaded]
and fire it
[fired]

continued to dash
[dashed]

It never came!
[Telling. Also cliché, though the exclamation point does highlight it]

She hastily obeyed and
[Wordy]

writhing violently on
[adverb]

deep into the heart
[If she could’ve done this at all, why did it only succeed now?]

ceased immediately…gasped
[This is not the instant death a shattered heart delivers. No gasping, just a slump]

queen peered from his
[Unless you have important information for us, queen Lenee is a SHE]

unnatural pressure of
[Being a mundane material, the shackles are not unnatural]

door quickly burst
Crono frantically ran
[adverb]

They stared blankly
[Who, the Mystics outside, called by yakra that never showed up? The protagonists, the only ones directly identified?]

agony were heard
[Passive]

begun to catch
[caught]

five quickly ran
[adverb]

They had reached
[hadverb]

they could see
[they saw]

destruction of such a holy
[But…it was overrun by mystics]

that they had succeeded.
They had saved
[hadverb]

I can tell that you're a skilled writer: you leave indicators for important events well before bringing them up, which takes planning and awareness of where you're going. However, your story is held back by the frequent use of Telling, Showing each scene as it unfolds is always more powerful. Passive construction like had-verb also weakens scenes, but it's the Telling that most hurts what could be a great story.
6/2/2015 c8 Ganheim
Chapter 9
bolt of lightning would echo
[Thunder echoes, lightning flashes]

It had all the eerie
[Author Intrusive Telling]

casting a comforting
[Wait, they’re ON? In a non-occupied room of a medieval monastery?]

said Lucca!
[Lucca.]

queen is found her
[here]

Crono seemed to
[Telling]

feeling it over
[Why, given that you’ve described everywhere else as well lit?]

by a row of candles
[‘lit candles in a prayer station’ would eliminate the awkward next sentence]

pass for…claw marks
[Shouldn’t he think of them as blade scratches if he’s not outdoorsy?]

At that moment
[Author Intrusive Telling]

feeling into Crono and
[Pick one, preferably the narrative focal character]

her don't you!"
[you?”]

shouted out!
[Exclamation points don’t belong in narrative]

that had finally
[Author Intrusive Telling]

or now we can say
[Author Intrusive, breaking the 4th wall]

had leapt forward
[hadverb]

into a pew, shattering
[If they’re haphazardly causing this much damage now, Chrono and Lucca would’ve seen clear evidence of a struggle as soon as they entered, before the charade]

At that moment, it
[Author Intrusive Telling]

and it was still later
[If it doesn’t happen now, don’t waste letters on it in an action scene]

He had charged
[hadverb – also discontinuous narrative]

Suddenly, they froze
[Why? The poor situation was clear before]

sinew in your bones
[Sinew connects bones, marrow is the stuff inside]

smash was heard
[Passive]

yelled out a battle-cry
[Hint: action scenes can be enhanced typographically by using short sentences and paragraphs as short as possible. The extra white space forces the eyes to move down the page, creating the subconscious impression of action]

They stared wildly
[?]

It was hard to believe
[Author Intrusive. Just show us what’s there]

white underbelly
[This is covered by clothing, armour]

It was expected
[Author Intrusive]

person (if you
[Author Intrusion, parenthetical]

He did not scream
[Discontinuitive narrative. Don’t say something happens and jump back, show us what happens as it happens]

creature merely bowed
[adverb]

spoke very meekly insomuch
[Telling. Don’t tell us Lucca’s response before you show Glenn’s dialog]

Chapter 10
was still raging
[raged]

was still violently casting
[cast]

Little time was spared
[Passive]

that he had made
[that, hadverb]

Even then, there was no time
[Author Intrusive]

They had searched
They had explored
They had a look [also Telling]
[hadverb]

it was severely limited
[I don’t see how their search…taking time…limits their time. It DOES consume time they may not have to spare, but that’s not what you say]

cut him up
[This sounds like interest, but you show revulsion. She DOESN’T want to be closer to him]

felt slightly in danger
[I could understand perturbed (though it would be better if you’d SHOW instead of TELL)]

when she would stop
[He doesn’t know what she’s thinking]

Crono's gift was
[Telling. Why not just show the exchange?]

she received a crossbow
[So did she forget her revolver/pistol?]

quiver of arrows
[They’re called bolts on a proper crossbow, though I know heavy crossbows are sometimes utilitarian enough to be able to launch shortbow arrows if supplies are scarce]

guard's never found
[guards]

Suddenly Lucca seemed
[Telling]

amused and very impatient
[Are these not exclusive]

gears were turning
[turned]

had begun to shake
[shook]

pulled it open
[Problem: a wall that retracts inwards would not leave outward markings]

passageway was obviously neglected
[adverb- also disagrees with the known fact that it was used recently]

I am Crono
[The introductions should’ve happened before they agreed to search]

polished to sheen
[Why?]

how the mystics knew of such
[They couldn’t have built it?]

Now a small detail should be touched on
[Author Intrusive Telling]

international incident
[The game’s implication and your story is clear: they were at war]

Unbeknownst to them
[Then DON’T TELL US]

he would never be seen
[Passive, Telling]

unrelenting contempt
[But…he isn’t]

It was actually
[Passive, Telling]

rooms had caved
[hadverb]

basement went like
[Author Intrusive Telling. Show us as they encounter!]

he merely shrugged
[adverb]

frightening observation
[possibility]

It would serve them nothing
[Then why bring it up?]

chorus of clinks
[This implies numbers (or speed) that Frog doesn’t possess]

insulted his captors, and bargained
[These actions seem exclusive]

devouring the poor man whole
[Obviously not if his corpse is there]

able to receive much information
[Implausible, but if so why not show the conversation as they recount?]

leader of this small
[I know you’re trying to excuse the telling by claiming it’s characters doing it…but this is a LOT of information and it’s still presented as Telling, not Showing through conversation]

into fruitation
[fruition]

They had kept the
[hadverb]

monster had failed
[hadverb]

diligent enough to
[The word you’re looking for is ‘fanatic]

counselor or monster
[Which is it?]

had lost all his
[hadverb]

with a heart-wrenching sob
[Cliché]

they had no difficulty sneaking
[Uh…no]

was leaving through
[left]

It seemed wrong
[Telling, head-jumping away from Lucca]

If you could imagine
[Author Intrusive]
an awkward silence
[Showing. Why not skip to this?]

It would be best to describe
[No, it would be best to SHOW…which you did. Don’t Tell]

This monster was not
[Telling, the whole paragraph. It’s even crap we already know]

Yes, this beast
[Pointless Telling]

The second guard
[This paragraph is Passive and has lots of Telling]

cathedral knows
[Pick one: tell or show. I think the bellow alone was enough]

to his side…To the side
[Repetition. The exclamation could’ve been enough transition]

been there as long as the queen
[Your Telling indicated he was there a lot longer]

something bizarre began
[Passive, Telling]

He was hideous
[That’s racist]

do as monsters do! Die
[Is he declaring intent to die?]

And thus began
[Author Intrusive Telling]

was slightly intimidated
[adverb. Also head-jumping. For strongest narrative, pick ONE character and focalize on them, what they think and perceive. Don’t bounce around or you give a shallower, less gripping story]

something happened that
[Cliché, also a sign that Telling is soon to come]

blade graced across
[What is that? Did you mean ‘glance’?]

her majesty had
[Wasn’t she bound?]

felt himself go light
[Being thrown doesn’t make one light. The closest thing is massive blood loss, causing a false feeling of lightness due to oxygen deprivation]

hadn't already loading
[loaded]
and fire it
[fired]

continued to dash
[dashed]

It never came!
[Telling. Also cliché, though the exclamation point does highlight it]

She hastily obeyed and
[Wordy]

writhing violently on
[adverb]

deep into the heart
[If she could’ve done this at all, why did it only succeed now?]

ceased immediately…gasped
[This is not the instant death a shattered heart delivers. No gasping, just a slump]

queen peered from his
[Unless you have important information for us, queen Lenee is a SHE]

unnatural pressure of
[Being a mundane material, the shackles are not unnatural]

door quickly burst
Crono frantically ran
[adverb]

They stared blankly
[Who, the Mystics outside, called by yakra that never showed up? The protagonists, the only ones directly identified?]

agony were heard
[Passive]

begun to catch
[caught]

five quickly ran
[adverb]

They had reached
[hadverb]

they could see
[they saw]

destruction of such a holy
[But…it was overrun by mystics]

that they had succeeded.
They had saved
[hadverb]
6/2/2015 c7 Ganheim
Chapter 7
Lucca had a horrified
who had become
[Passive, repetitious]

the first shocking secret
[Author Intrusion]

Nadia had become somewhat a title
[What? Where did this fall from?!]
until Nadia became a strange title
[Okay…explained, but as an Author Intrusion Infodump. Also lacking support in the game or ANY hint earlier, which is all the more visible as you hint at Lavos AND Lucca’s triangle bit as soon as the characters come in. All the way to this awkward “nadia is a title” you could’ve claimed she was just trying to hide behind her pseudonym because for the most part she WAS. By having this “explanation” here you instead highlight the issue. I understand forgetting something earlier, but instead of ‘fixing’ it here the best solution would’ve been to sweep it under the rug and move on. I’ve even seen writers treat Marle as her real name, taken when she left the palace and never dropped, but if you want to go that route…Stick With It!]

Even to this day
[Which day? Another reason to avoid “author directly tells audience”, the slightest of phrasing issues can cause the wrong message. Much less frequent when Showing]

addressed by this name
[I can, it’s done in many countries and many sectors of government and corporation where you go by a title instead of name. Still easy to remember my own name]

More shocking and horrible
[Telling. If you showed us we might come to this conclusion ourselves and it would feel satisfying. This way is the author dumping crap on us like a peasant a chamber pot and feels about as pleasant]

As you know
[A marker indicating this is awkward and for the benefit of the audience instead of characters]

Queen Nadia (her real
[What happened to “nadia” meaning queen? If you’re going to drop a sudden culture shift on us, be consistent about it]

to change the future
[Or restore it]

death is eminent
[imminent – you’re talking about time, not law here]

Chapter 8
We have already seen
[Author Intrusive Telling. This whole paragraph]

She simply wanted
[Then show us through her POV]

Lucca and Crono had been
[Backstory data dump. You took care of implying Lavos with the ‘UGEE’, why couldn’t you have sprinkled details about Lucca?]

only sneer in annoyance
[Threat does not equal annoyance]

that dared to pick…that dared to
[Repetition]

not realizing that
[Is this Author Intrusive data dump coming to an end? Also: if the character isn’t aware of it, there’s probably a better way to get the point to your audience than telling us as if we were too stupid to figure it out from clues]

Time is a very
[Author Intrusion, Telling. I also want to point out that even if you do want a Lucca-Chrono-Marle love triangle you could start inserting details that show, like hesitations, blushes, and whatever else you view appropriate to your setting]

he only focused
[Wordy, drop ‘only’ and things are concise and tense]

The church has always
[Which one? Churches served as secondary administrative and economic centers of towns well into the Rennaisance in almost every culture in Europe, often dotting neighborhoods, and there are similar traditions in SE Asia, East and West Africa. There are variations (I can’t think of major Chinese or Tartar settlements centering on religious structures), but it’s your world to build since that detail isn’t important to Chrono Trigger’s story]

won't find the cathedral here
[Assuming it even exists in their Middle Ages. It might be a monastery then]

this time?" She
[Source Mixing]

archaic ruin that
[Unneeded that]

Lucca following closely
[Even when she couldn’t keep up last time?]

In older days
[Author intrusion, data dump]

sun…had become unbearable
[Passive, undescriptive]

enjoyed the feeling of any sweat drying
[If you were trying to set up a romantic moment…it’s not now]

that she had prepared
[The sentence from ‘that’ is unnecessary]

and wiped the water
[Repetition]

mouth; he laid
[. He]

they miss great opportunities
[That’s still heart-leading, just in a different direction]

A truly happy
[Is the Author Intrusion done yet? This isn’t even an Infodump anymore, it’s not directly related to the greater plot]

had dug its way
[hadverb]

She was no longer
[Passive: the best way to inform us of a position change isn’t “they were this but now this”, but “she sat up”. Concise and active]

Have I ever lied
[Inevitably]

look at Crono who looked
[Repetition, Source Mixing. I was afraid you were going to launch into more Telling again]

to have anyone replace you
[Even if she’s rich, perky, and has both brains and beauty even if she’s not an off-the-charts-IQ like Lucca]

And as we leave
[Author Intrusion…whole paragraph]

not certain if this chapter was really necessary
[If you wanted to add conflict you could’ve done it by having them infiltrate the forest and think they’re being watched, dropping hints that it’s Glenn without Telling. I’m one of the few writers the defaults to “there is NO pairing until otherwise proven, even with implications” and I think forgetting that leaves out valuable tools]

Chapter 9
sun had begun to disappear
[sank behind]

was quickly growing
[grew]

It was very romantic
[Telling]

floated about lazily
chirped harmoniously as
[adverb]

branches were lulled
[Passive]

It had become
[Passive, telling. Also not that important as they get there by the next paragraph]

covered the land bright enough
[Sun lights the land, it doesn’t cover it unless you’re Peptuck talking about nuclear fire…which is a different thing]

had a creepier feel
[Telling. Show us the way it towers out of the forest like a reaching skeleton or some quick simile that makes sense from the POV character]

vast graveyard…rows upon rows of tombstones
[Repetitious. It was also common until the modern cemetery for many people who died in a similar event (soldiers, famine/plague victims) to be buried together even in one plot or sepulchre, as recent as the 1905 Yellow Fever epidemic in New Orleans]

Perhaps it was the gothic
[Wait, you’re Telling us it’s “creepy” then showing us why it might be?]

odd feeling of eeriness
[Repetition]

duo to startle themselves
[No, the lightning startled them]

Slowly, but only at first
[Telling. Show us the rain start and picking up, then them ducking inside]

most polite thing
[When they’re being rained on? Humans and most mammals don’t like getting wet, it’s a survival trait]

less awkward about disturbing
[When they’re way out in the boonies and it’s raining? That’s why real convents have entry halls. All of those have public areas if just so an attendant can turn away visitors]

knocked softly…force of it echoing
[No, especially not the same action in the same sentence]

them; Crono said
[them.]

It truly was an
[Author Intrusive Telling]

creepy, haunting
[This is FAR too obvious. The Thermians from Galaxy Quest were clearly not humans, but even with the “appearance generators” they acted strange in speech and physical mannerisms. Small, observable details like that is how you need to show us something is “off” in a person]

was obviously hiding
[Telling. Odd, as this could be showing if it was just rephrased a little]

Little attention was
[Then WHY TELL US?]

orderly had suddenly become
[Telling]

It made Lucca move
[Passive. “Seeing it, Lucca moved” is active]

Surely you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?
[Are you quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Because if you can slip that into serious narrative without disjointing the scene you get major points]

Lucca discovered the reason
[This could’ve been a SHOWN conversation, but as presented is Author Intrusive Telling]

the time; playing
[time,]

that Crono had packed
[Chrono packed]
Millennial Fair
[It’s filled with things to do, I like that these were inserted in a time when they could have been used but why would he bring time-wasters to a time-wasting event so to speak?]

As they played they talked
[Telling not Showing]

to the grandfather clock
[Wow, that’s a rich monastery to have grandfather clocks in guest rooms]

Earlier they resolved
[This wouldn’t be necessary if the conversation was SHOWN]
514 « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 5 6 7 14 .. Last Next »

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service