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for Chrono Trigger: The Sands of Time

6/2/2015 c7 13Ganheim
Chapter 7
Lucca had a horrified
who had become
[Passive, repetitious]

the first shocking secret
[Author Intrusion]

Nadia had become somewhat a title
[What? Where did this fall from?!]
until Nadia became a strange title
[Okay…explained, but as an Author Intrusion Infodump. Also lacking support in the game or ANY hint earlier, which is all the more visible as you hint at Lavos AND Lucca’s triangle bit as soon as the characters come in. All the way to this awkward “nadia is a title” you could’ve claimed she was just trying to hide behind her pseudonym because for the most part she WAS. By having this “explanation” here you instead highlight the issue. I understand forgetting something earlier, but instead of ‘fixing’ it here the best solution would’ve been to sweep it under the rug and move on. I’ve even seen writers treat Marle as her real name, taken when she left the palace and never dropped, but if you want to go that route…Stick With It!]

Even to this day
[Which day? Another reason to avoid “author directly tells audience”, the slightest of phrasing issues can cause the wrong message. Much less frequent when Showing]

addressed by this name
[I can, it’s done in many countries and many sectors of government and corporation where you go by a title instead of name. Still easy to remember my own name]

More shocking and horrible
[Telling. If you showed us we might come to this conclusion ourselves and it would feel satisfying. This way is the author dumping crap on us like a peasant a chamber pot and feels about as pleasant]

As you know
[A marker indicating this is awkward and for the benefit of the audience instead of characters]

Queen Nadia (her real
[What happened to “nadia” meaning queen? If you’re going to drop a sudden culture shift on us, be consistent about it]

to change the future
[Or restore it]

death is eminent
[imminent – you’re talking about time, not law here]

Chapter 8
We have already seen
[Author Intrusive Telling. This whole paragraph]

She simply wanted
[Then show us through her POV]

Lucca and Crono had been
[Backstory data dump. You took care of implying Lavos with the ‘UGEE’, why couldn’t you have sprinkled details about Lucca?]

only sneer in annoyance
[Threat does not equal annoyance]

that dared to pick…that dared to

not realizing that
[Is this Author Intrusive data dump coming to an end? Also: if the character isn’t aware of it, there’s probably a better way to get the point to your audience than telling us as if we were too stupid to figure it out from clues]

Time is a very
[Author Intrusion, Telling. I also want to point out that even if you do want a Lucca-Chrono-Marle love triangle you could start inserting details that show, like hesitations, blushes, and whatever else you view appropriate to your setting]

he only focused
[Wordy, drop ‘only’ and things are concise and tense]

The church has always
[Which one? Churches served as secondary administrative and economic centers of towns well into the Rennaisance in almost every culture in Europe, often dotting neighborhoods, and there are similar traditions in SE Asia, East and West Africa. There are variations (I can’t think of major Chinese or Tartar settlements centering on religious structures), but it’s your world to build since that detail isn’t important to Chrono Trigger’s story]

won't find the cathedral here
[Assuming it even exists in their Middle Ages. It might be a monastery then]

this time?" She
[Source Mixing]

archaic ruin that
[Unneeded that]

Lucca following closely
[Even when she couldn’t keep up last time?]

In older days
[Author intrusion, data dump]

sun…had become unbearable
[Passive, undescriptive]

enjoyed the feeling of any sweat drying
[If you were trying to set up a romantic moment…it’s not now]

that she had prepared
[The sentence from ‘that’ is unnecessary]

and wiped the water

mouth; he laid
[. He]

they miss great opportunities
[That’s still heart-leading, just in a different direction]

A truly happy
[Is the Author Intrusion done yet? This isn’t even an Infodump anymore, it’s not directly related to the greater plot]

had dug its way

She was no longer
[Passive: the best way to inform us of a position change isn’t “they were this but now this”, but “she sat up”. Concise and active]

Have I ever lied

look at Crono who looked
[Repetition, Source Mixing. I was afraid you were going to launch into more Telling again]

to have anyone replace you
[Even if she’s rich, perky, and has both brains and beauty even if she’s not an off-the-charts-IQ like Lucca]

And as we leave
[Author Intrusion…whole paragraph]

not certain if this chapter was really necessary
[If you wanted to add conflict you could’ve done it by having them infiltrate the forest and think they’re being watched, dropping hints that it’s Glenn without Telling. I’m one of the few writers the defaults to “there is NO pairing until otherwise proven, even with implications” and I think forgetting that leaves out valuable tools]

Chapter 9
sun had begun to disappear
[sank behind]

was quickly growing

It was very romantic

floated about lazily
chirped harmoniously as

branches were lulled

It had become
[Passive, telling. Also not that important as they get there by the next paragraph]

covered the land bright enough
[Sun lights the land, it doesn’t cover it unless you’re Peptuck talking about nuclear fire…which is a different thing]

had a creepier feel
[Telling. Show us the way it towers out of the forest like a reaching skeleton or some quick simile that makes sense from the POV character]

vast graveyard…rows upon rows of tombstones
[Repetitious. It was also common until the modern cemetery for many people who died in a similar event (soldiers, famine/plague victims) to be buried together even in one plot or sepulchre, as recent as the 1905 Yellow Fever epidemic in New Orleans]

Perhaps it was the gothic
[Wait, you’re Telling us it’s “creepy” then showing us why it might be?]

odd feeling of eeriness

duo to startle themselves
[No, the lightning startled them]

Slowly, but only at first
[Telling. Show us the rain start and picking up, then them ducking inside]

most polite thing
[When they’re being rained on? Humans and most mammals don’t like getting wet, it’s a survival trait]

less awkward about disturbing
[When they’re way out in the boonies and it’s raining? That’s why real convents have entry halls. All of those have public areas if just so an attendant can turn away visitors]

knocked softly…force of it echoing
[No, especially not the same action in the same sentence]

them; Crono said

It truly was an
[Author Intrusive Telling]

creepy, haunting
[This is FAR too obvious. The Thermians from Galaxy Quest were clearly not humans, but even with the “appearance generators” they acted strange in speech and physical mannerisms. Small, observable details like that is how you need to show us something is “off” in a person]

was obviously hiding
[Telling. Odd, as this could be showing if it was just rephrased a little]

Little attention was

orderly had suddenly become

It made Lucca move
[Passive. “Seeing it, Lucca moved” is active]

Surely you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?
[Are you quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Because if you can slip that into serious narrative without disjointing the scene you get major points]

Lucca discovered the reason
[This could’ve been a SHOWN conversation, but as presented is Author Intrusive Telling]

the time; playing

that Crono had packed
[Chrono packed]
Millennial Fair
[It’s filled with things to do, I like that these were inserted in a time when they could have been used but why would he bring time-wasters to a time-wasting event so to speak?]

As they played they talked
[Telling not Showing]

to the grandfather clock
[Wow, that’s a rich monastery to have grandfather clocks in guest rooms]

Earlier they resolved
[This wouldn’t be necessary if the conversation was SHOWN]
6/2/2015 c3 Ganheim
Chapter 4
stab from a sword
[Plate mail is designed to resist piercing and slashing force, only having problems with its even transfer of blunt force. Rare weapons, force, and skill can make it through plate mail and even then most martial arts rely on attacking the chinks. That’s why the European half-swording style came about]

that had become that way
[Telling, irrelevant]

she vainly tried to explain

It was very strange

; she had traveled
[. She traveled]

she had never seen this place
[What place? You never described]

An hour or so
[Avoid discontinuous narrative, it’s jarring at best and often confusing. Also: telling]

onto bended knee
[‘bent knees’ fits the flow better]

foreign kingdom which
[Guardia seemed based on north-central Europe. Even if you have a different take, it’s HIGHLY unlikely she wouldn’t recognize things. Might she know more than “that topography looks familiar”? Maybe not, but things should look out of place more than foreign unless she was locked in the castle all her life]

There were dirty

style seemed so archaic
[Architectural styles don’t change fast, she should recognize things even if they look ‘wrong’]

red hue that shined deep in the pristine stream
[Sounds like you’re saying the stream glows, rather than the sun casting red light down on it]

He could see

come on in then
[To the stranger who startled his wife, and may have unknown diseases for his kids]

man had seemed
man had let

surprised look quickly

disappeared; almost

He only shook

and a type of
[Telling. Also a runon, break the sentence before he goes into speculation on Nadia]

It made him shiver
[Awkward POV shift]

oddly and uncomfortably

was bothering Crono

Chapter 5
we quickly return
[Telling. Awkward, doesn’t set up scene or time]

your castle; Guardia
[castle, though that doesn’t stop the castle repetition]

her ears; instead

All this had transpired
[Telling, awkward transition]

Marle did reach
[Telling, not Chrono’s POV or scene]

Little did Crono know

wife was following

were surrounding

most likely enough to

last thing on his mind
[Then why is it the first you mention?!]

He felt himself being
felt himself being hoisted

bands coming undone
[Why if they’re going to restrain him in the cart?]

unable to move or to scratch
[Major item, then petty one that feels like it doesn’t fit]

Glass was replaced
[Indicates there was glass. “instead of glass” indicates there never was]

he was almost positive
[Distant telling]

Meanwhile, the night
[Awkward transition]

If she had any feeling
[Does the author not know?]

and astonishingly had

What an incredibly
[Author Intrusive Telling, not showing as if through her eyes. Very indirect]

Suddenly Marle had
head slightly, simply

muttering to herself
[Why Tell when this could be shown?]

began to thump rapidly

and it seemed
[Why? Telling]

what has happened

king had acted

began to stream

king felt a horrible
[Telling, she can’t see into his head]

My name is Marle
[Why’s she still using her assumed incognito name here when she’s ‘home’?]

At this moment
[Author Intrusive Telling (the whole paragraph)]

as he felt
[Nadia doesn’t know what’s going on in others’ heads. Even Straczynski’s TPs in Babylon 5 didn’t see everyone’s heart all the time]

one final task:"

princess was being led

that fit her perfectly
[Likely not. Many mention she seems younger, different]

who bowed politely
[As opposed to rudely]

somehow it seemed more valuable
[How? Why?]

something told her

Now imagine, if
[Breaking the 4th wall]

And now we return
[Awkward, telling, doesn’t set the scene]

shoulder slammed the guard
[When he’s still surrounded by armed guards willing to use lethal force?]

was nimble and agile

He could best be
[Author Intrusion]

began to inch
[More like ‘brandish weapons and march’]

extremely content to hear
[Adverb, Telling]

who quickly untied

Chapter 6
dreams he saw possible
[Telling, not showing]

shrugged in reply, showing that she was clueless
[Repetition: showing then telling the same thing]

There were empty
[Passive. “Suits of armour flanked…” is concise and active]

Even when they had

some empty and
[Construction costs money, castles aren’t built with rooms that aren’t going to be used]

There was another
[A lot of this passive construction in close proximity]

It was only a sign

but it quickly

heart was pounding

spoke very frantically with her mouth
[As opposed to speaking with her brain?]

recounted a large portion
[Telling. Granted, summary is okay when the audience and at least one of the characters already knows everything, but you’re still going over a lot that doesn’t need to be repeated. “she told her story” BAM we’re now ready to go back into the scene]

she showed him
[A description to us would be more effective]

brutality of the soldiers
[They weren’t brutal, just rude. Read about the Ming dynasty if you want brutal soldiers]

why they had
what exactly had

He listened with
[Why aren’t we shown this conversation? It’s not repeating information previous in the story. There are several points of unclarity as a result of glossing over the dialog instead of showing the specific lines]

and seemingly horrified
[Does the author not know?]

It almost seemed

She began to pant heavily

Have you ever
[Breaking the 4th wall, ruins sense of narrative tension]

He was running

forest towards the town…before the maid could call…
[Even in the GFX limited SNES game, it’s easy to see the castle is HUGE. There is NO way he’d be able to get outside it, much less all the way to the forest, before she could call for guards. Might he be fast enough to escape anyway, especially if the maid is confused? Sure]

Chapter 7
What had happened

He would work

filled with friends
[They’re not his friends and he’s still wearing what they’d perceive as a foreigner’s style]

man who seemed
so that he seemed sleepy
[Does the author not know?]

he was tallying

He had ordered

and he felt completely
He automatically assumed

harden into calluses
[That is not how blistering works]

He cheerfully whistled
He smiled broadly
asking stupidly if
[adverb, lots in a row]

almost fearful of
[Does the author not know?]

while he slammed
[Is he trying to draw attention?]

dirty and corrupted
[Corrupted seems too strong a word. Knowing what I do about coins, they are VERY difficult to mangle. Even the “biting to test” trick is mostly fantasy, real merchants weighed suspect coins because alloys could vary from minting press to minting press (granted, few but moneychangers or wandering merchants tend to have or care about such because most deal only in one coinage)]

the counselor coldly
[adverb, unclear. How is he ‘cold’? Displayed hostility? Hidden hostility? Pointed obsequious posturing?]

It was a
[Words beginning Telling]

I have actually
[I know this is dialog where rules are looser, but adverbs are still unneeded and it’s a tendency for military officials speaking up to err on the side of brevity]

"It is true
[Who says this? You identify and act with the captain, king, and counselor with the counselor being the last explicitly identified subject and the previous sentence to this dialog using only vague “he”]

clutches waiting for

laughed cruelly…smiled sardonically
[Repetition, adverb]

slowed him to a certain
[Wordy, weakens tension]

piercing deeply into

he was darting

wherever that may be
[Does the author not know?]

had been watching

had fallen back

to a certain hotel

She had been here
[Telling, passive]

and had grown

woman was expecting

matter had become

to the surprise
[Unnecessary, also out of Lucca’s POV]

before Crono could see
[Guess there wasn’t as many tears as described]

know about." A
[Source Mixing: Lucca’s dialog to Chrono’s observation and speculation]

something he did not expect
[Why? He already figured that out, he just didn’t know the specific year]
6/2/2015 c2 Ganheim
Chapter 2
she had heard

that quickly abandoned his thoughts
[Awkward phrasing]

It is true, laughter

puzzle had suddenly been put
[puzzle fell into place?]

(she wondered
[avoid parentheticals. This is Telling, anyway]

Chapter 3
do what Crono wanted
[Not supported by the story. He’s been playing tour guide, but she’s been calling most of the shots except visiting Melchior’s stall]

fair he could

It was a little
[Almost all of this is Telling]

her neck. Crono nodded
[Source Mixing]

surprised to see
[This seems a little forced. A shorter ‘they noticed Lenee’s bell’ would’ve been a smoother transition. And be less Telling]

generally well cared for on occasion
[Which one? Well cared for, or on occasion?]

are right now."

surprise of everyone
[Telling, head-jumping. Show us the event and the reactions of the people]

looking down from above
[You SHOWED the gale. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t have a top-down view, they can clearly see it from any angle]

the gale; still
[Semicolon where a period should be]

they did not noticed
[Telling, contradicts the showing. Just cut to the ring and there will be no problem]

audible to anyone on that certain dais
[within? A dais normally refers to a small raised circle but you showed a significant structure (and told us they gawked at it, which was excessive). That’s more of a plaza]

who had begun
[who began]

me now!" Crono
[Source Mixing]

unbeknownst to them
[Weak telling. You just had Nadia talk about this]

seemingly hopeful that
[Adverbs tend to be unnecessary, here highlighting Telling]

Obviously, they
[Telling, adverb]
know Lucca…well
[Disagrees with the game which shows that her inventions seem to be either great or explosive]

There would be
[If this is thought why isn’t it phrased or formatted like one?]

mouthing that he hoped she
[Why don’t you just show? “mouthing ‘do well’” is even more concise]

father was attaching

equipment which was
[wasverb, also the start of a run-on sentence. A sentence break after ‘equipment’ would help]

pedestal was a
[There are two, you describe as if singular]

Nothing really seemed

began what she had rehearsed
[Telling, unnecessary. Also, this paragraph is a long, dense block. Breaking it when the dialog starts would help]

In fact, we
[Unneeded sentence]

UGEE (or Unexplained
[Avoid acronyms unless they’re common knowledge among your readers (maybe even then), or would be required of the characters. Here Lucca could just say what she calls it and move on. Any acronym not common in the real world is like a name: you need to define/introduce it before you can expect us to know what it means, and you might have to do so again several times in the book if it’s not a focal point]

energy to exemplify
[Wordy (should also be ‘show’), made me think of Mac from Chicken Run instead of Lucca]

hardly anyone understood
[Why? She didn’t go into any technical crap, just a sales pitch as if begging for funding]

that was exactly how
[Telling, head-jumping]

you could see
[Telling, breaking the 4th wall. SHOW US!]

slightly dubiously, but

He massaged his hand
[Awkward in context, out-of-chronological order]

suddenly became surprised
[Telling. Show us, he’s the focal narrator after all, isn’t he?]

at Lucca who

as if she were telling
[Telling. SHOW! The character should know the signs even if it’s nonverbal]

eventually emerged his
[Emerge means ‘exit’, you mean ‘insert’]

smiled broadly

father had finished

He was standing

He swore he saw a few people
[This sentence is telling, but the right kind: it’s brief, descriptive, and transitions us from characters doing one thing to the next thing]

worry more. Lucca
[Source Mixing, possibly unnecessary]

materials; it has

mysteries of teleportation

At that point, he had
[Author Intrusive Telling. Phrase/format it as if it’s his thought as he looks out]
hurt his friend
[Why can’t this be presented as if his direct thought?]

even if he
[With all the Telling, I don’t know if he does or doesn’t decide]

He was suddenly

He could hear
All that could be heard

Somehow he was
[WAY too many was’s in close proximity]

Lucca!" She only
[Source Mixing]

Marle was cheering

She looked at Lucca
[Repetition: the second time I thought you had a copypaste error. Might want to rephrase that one]

she was in a dilemma
[Telling. Show us her expressions of thought and doubt – or if you’re going to jump character focalization from paragraph to paragraph (an iffy technique) you can show how she feels and what she thinks]

in front of her

Crono's had done

looked at the display with expectant looks
[Repetitious, that they look already implies expectation]

and Marle saw
[Source Mixing: this paragraph was Chronos, this is now Nadia]

audience was illuminated

light quickly surged
[repetitious, adverb]

machine was no
[Too many was’s in close proximity, adds passive sense that slows down the paragraphs. A tip from an action writer: to punch up the impression of things happening, use shorter sentences and much shorter paragraphs. The increase of white space draws the eye down and your subconscious treats that as action]

Among these complications
[Awkwardly inserted, show us the winds when they appear]

a countenance

she could not be
[Passive. There’s a lot of passive in this paragraph and it hurts the whole section]

me Crono!" Crono
[Source Mixing]

began to evacuate
[evacuation implies order or scale that seems inappropriate here, just leaving would’ve seemed okay]

were going down
[streamed down]

with you Marle

Crono was hoping

There was no
She was
She was not
[Repetition of was]

I could feel it
[She? Chrono DOES have evidence, hence ‘feel’ seems like the wrong word because that implies lack of support]

Crono only walked

was still shaking

began to open wide
[began seems to disagree with wide]

felt as if he were careening
[passive? Something’s awkward there]

last thing he had heard
[Passive, discontinuous]

Chapter 4
adrenaline…strange dizziness
[Dizziness comes after the adrenaline high]

However, he wasn't really

birds who were
[unneeded: who were]

Suddenly, to his
[Adverb, disagrees with your earlier description]

Crono had turned

to fully regain

they were chasing

at a lost of

they would inevitably

he paid no mind
[He’s the POV. If you describe it, he pays it mind]

was a distance
[1 centimeter is a distance. So is 4 light years]

He quickly pushed

pursuers had fallen

them had made
few had stopped

at the Cliffside

that had made

which had suddenly

have to stand
[Why? You haven’t described any exhaustion]

that had rotted

branch that was

that certain branch
[You only described one branch, ‘certain’ is unneeded]

jutting out his two
[I don’t understand this sentence]

have no foresight
[Hunters are known for prowess more than cunning]

Imagine the pain

weapon! An ear
[Exclamation points have their use in dialog, not narrative unless the narrator is a distinct character (like George of the Jungle)]

remove the splintered
[Wasn’t it knocked unconscious? Fleeing? You never gave us the effect]

creatures face

falling awkwardly on its leg
[There is no way an animal (without chemical poisoning causing critical calcium problems) would break a leg by falling awkwardly on it, not in these circumstances]

no other choice
[There’s always a choice…which one is best depends on your values]

You could imagine
[Author Intrusion]

Crono rubbed his face
[Jamming in all the splinters from wielding a splintery piece of wood]

Suddenly, he tore
He involuntarily shivered
Crono instinctively agreed

He was able to slide
[He slid]

decrease as he went on downstream
[Um…streams get BIGGER as they go]

candy he had bought had been stored
[Awkward, hadverb]

ration food at
[He’s eating candy, he has NO food]

well; I am
6/2/2015 c1 Ganheim
Everything was still a bluish
[Somewhat passive, and I’d disagree about the blue. “A gray tone cloaked the pre-dawn city” is active and accomplishes the same description]

were gathering
[Passive, gathered would be active phrasing]

they never would before
[Telling, and vague]

with old acquaintances
[Repetition of old]

jubilation had broke
[“had verb” is a weak construction, and in many cases like this the had adds nothing]

Confetti had suddenly rained
[had-adverb is an even more passive construction]

seagull had just noticed
[If it flew over the houses, why would it only now notice them? And would any confetti reach the top of a head of a statue in the middle of a fountain?]

had suddenly broken

He had decided

wooden planks bordering the houses in certain places
[I’m not sure what this is supposed to say: the fencing was wood boards? The houses were boarded up? Were they paneled? The art in Chrono Trigger seemed to indicate classic european/mediterranean architecture with plastered walls]

hair that was styled with spikes
[I suspected it was just messy and the art style couldn’t show that detail without losing distinctiveness]

8:00 that very morning
[Repetition of ‘morning’, easily solved here by ending this sentence at 8:00]

over him comfortably
[Why is comfort important here?]

had unintentionally overslept

that dreaded hobby
[Oversleeping isn’t a hobby, it’s an autonomous body process having to do with metabolism, health, and environmental conditions. Consciousness and related things like hobbies don’t have anything to do with it, which is why clock-obsessed cultures use alarm clocks]

she was a patient woman

always do the gardening
[Gardening doesn’t make you a good runner]

he had always liked

took up the hobby
[Swordplay isn’t a hobby, it’s actually a rather difficult skill to master]

see that he could probably
[So is it a yes or no? Does the author not know? This is another reason to avoid adverbs]

Crono had heard

accepted local products
[What does that mean? Chrono Trigger is rather ambiguous about when it is, but what graphics are there indicate technology is roughly analogous to the early renaissance. “local products” could mean woven baskets, tomatoes, or computer programs if you’re pushing a more modern-analog into the setting]

even Claire had a small thing for Crono
[Telling, and slightly awkward phrasing]

fair had come
[came – though it seems odd to imply that the fair is still getting supplies, most festivals have to be set up days in advance]

was beginning to color

He only said
[Telling without showing]

garbage was to be seen
[Passive, and also implausible: I’ve seen fair grounds at cultures where cleanliness is one of the highest virtues and there’s still trash strewn around. Just less thickly than less-cleanliness-oriented cultures]

change the color of the flowers
[That would be moving from “extravagant in the manner of nations showing off” to “extravagant in the manner of a nation about to implode under stupid spending”]

beat of some prehistoric rhythm
[I always thought this was a gag for people who played the game before (and to recycle game GFX), not something to treat seriously]

musician themselves were danced in animal skins
[Musicians play, dancers dance, and both can wear skins, but musicians can’t dance skins]

this was what Claire
[Avoid parentheticals, they act like the author apologizing for the contents. Also show, this is telling]

away from Crono
[If they’re a couple and everybody knows, why’s she trying to hide here?]

wasn't looking. Suddenly a look
[Source Mixing: You have claire threaten her friends, then chrono realize something completely unrelated. When you shift to a new character focus, shift to a new paragraph]

admonish her friends and spill the details
[These actions seem mutually contradictory, one holds anger and the other friendliness]

Chapter 2
He had promised

she working on
[she was]

Lucca was a
[Telling. The whole paragraph]

good lawyer; accusing
[The semicolon is a useless mark taking up what should be a comma or period, I think you meant for a colon here]

So of course
[Now you’re going from “telling” to throwing bricks at us]

brick layered pavement
[I’d understand brick-lain or brick patterned, but bricks are not layered unless part of a wall]

moments passed, but it seemed like it had not
[This feels self-contradictory]

in hopes of spotting
[Telling. This is chrono’s perspective, he can see what she does but not into her mind for the why. Showing is stronger than telling]

She was wearing

really ran into

was extremely beautiful
[Passive, Telling]

piece of art

itself had become faded
[‘had become’ could be cut and only improve sentence flow]

Crono had worked
He had the chain

You could almost
[Why did you step out of chrono’s POV and into second person? “Chrono felt his resolve shrivel” maintains narrative voice]

with a girl following
[He’s got several friends who are girls. I think the issue here is that it’s a _strange_ girl]

one had gone
[one went]

light bounced off her lenses
[Then we shouldn’t have any description of the eyes. Also, this is enough sudden break from “present and continuing scene” to count as a data dump. Character description is important, but just like with worldbuilding you want to give the minimum in order to get your audience on to the next action, then sprinkle a little more here and there]

she was smiling

twitch in her mannerisms
[Fingers, eyes, and body parts can twitch, but mannerisms are behaviors and manners of speech not as subject to ‘twitch’]

discreet that neither…noticed
[Then it shouldn’t be described]

Now we can
[Violation of POV. A lot of this could be presented by conflict between the characters, but instead of taking that dynamic approach to SHOW what’s going on we get an Author Intrusive data dump]

By the time
[This paragraph is also Telling, not Showing]

Crono saw what he hadn't before
[Seems a little awkward. Just “chrono noticed” would’ve been enough]

trying to get it ready
[more like clean it up if there was an explosion]

someone that grazed her nerves
[There is no reasoning presented for why this would be the case. Granted, if you’re keeping the focalization to chrono and not making him the especially perceptive type he might not pick up on why, but I don’t get the sense that you the author have concrete details either. This is another good reason for strong character focalization]

acquaintance" there
to Marle "and

even Lucca had a still face
[Unless she’s been visited by Koh from Avatar The Last Airbender…of course she’d still have her face]

It was surprising
[Telling. Also doesn’t clarify the subject of the scene, and as you have a tendency to head-jump that’s critical so we know who we’re following]

They had visited

Crono had opted
[hadverb…though why would you mention it if one of the characters DIDN’T try it? This paragraph’s almost entirely Telling, weakening the strength of the narrative]

something that was like an open market
[Do you not know? Describe what they ARE going through!]

store that he had chosen
[store he chose]
and every store…at a store…
[Repetition of ‘store’. Another reason to be cautious of Telling instead of Showing]

reverted back

A rotund man stepped
He was an odd looking man

smile which could be seen

clothes seemed foreign and exotic
[Repetitious, Telling]

They didn't pay much attention
[You just spent a WHOLE PARAGRAPH, you are not allowed to say ‘they didn’t notice]

out a beautiful box
dark chestnut colored wood with gold lining

It was unlocked

man suddenly had his countenance fall
[man’s countenance fell]

at earlier?" Crono said
[Source Mixing. It doesn’t matter that you’re not portraying what chrono says (though you really should)]

gold pieces." Crono
[Source Mixing]

test of temptation came
[Telling. Show us his feelings, physical and metaphysical]

nothing short of perfect
[Nothing’s perfect]
6/2/2015 c34 35Meushell
Been reading your story off and on now for the past few days. Still only at chapter 34, so it'll take a while to catch. Of course, when I do, I'll be having to wait for you the update, so maybe I shouldn't hurry. Lol.

I'm enjoying your story a great deal. I think you do well and giving them strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. You also do a good job in treating all the characters equally. Glad you broke the "no more than three in time travel" rule. The reason for that and the game is clear, but I know in writing, it makes it more difficult to juggle many characters in one scene. As for the other minor characters, you do a great job and giving them more personality.

It is nice to see Marle getting her healing powers. She is my favorite character, and that is one thing I love about her. I am glad that she and Lucca get along now. I wasn't really happy with the plot of them being jealous of each other. Maybe move on from him and get together themselves, or a Crono/Marle/Lucca threesome. Lol. I imagine that would quite annoy many of your readers, and perhaps yourself as well. :)

You mentioned about changing perspective in the end of this chapter. Just wanted to let you know that I enjoy it myself.
1/31/2015 c49 22Zantetsuken Reverse
Ha... I liked the smores part. It reminds me of Discworld. One character is a genius inventor, but his names are weird. When he invents a submarine, he says, "Because it is SUBMERSED in a MARINE enviroment, I call it the Going Under The Water Safely Device". The scene with Frog cutting the mountain in half does make sense. No one automatically knew how to open the door... makes me wonder how the Mystics opened it.
1/29/2015 c25 Zantetsuken Reverse
I think that having a lot of different sides makes it more interesting. We all know how it normally goes. The war part was interesting. As long as it doesn't completely derail the plot, it adds flavor.
1/27/2015 c10 Zantetsuken Reverse
Hm... I like how you made Crono and Lucca weaker than in the game. They have no reason to train, while Frog is a knight. It's more realistic that way.
10/29/2014 c1 Anoynomous
With something like that, I felt like I should maybe throw in a more detailed review:

First of off, your story is, bar none, my favorite story on this site. It is the only story I still wait for updates from, the only story I've ever discussed with other people, and, I believe, one of the best written stories on this site. You're portrayal of the Chrono Trigger world has definitely captivated me. It is impossible for me to think about the Chrono Trigger and not think of your story, your portrayal, your characterizations, etc.

In fact, to go into more detail about the cast itself:

Magus is probably my favorite change that you've made to the story. Not because I like Magus. Quite the opposite: I detest the character. He's the "badman" character that everyone seems to think is so cool; a character arch-type I detest everywhere I see. Here, the evil king of the mystics is not some calm, collected, badman. Instead, his long stay with the mystics has severely damaged his soul. He went from being a well-meaning, but proud, child, to a very impish and uncaring man. A man who wonders if he even feels happiness thinking about his long lost sister. A man who revels in taking cruel revenge, who constantly praises his own skill and how superior he is to others. Etc., etc.

Yet at the same time, he's not the guy we want to see beaten down. We want to see Magus heal. Not to just beat Lavos, but also to overcome his own self. Magus doesn't get to unrepentantly act like a badman after he joins your team. We don't just pretend he didn't do anything bad, we don't let him get away with saying "If you get in my way, I'll kill you" (or whatever it is the DS version). Instead, once joining the team, he has to slowly come to grips with the fact that he just isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread. He gets humiliated by Crono, by a Frog, and even by an imp (great set-up for what happens in A.D. 1000 Medina, by the way). It all seems to be to make him better in the end, but it's a very harsh lesson right now.

I especially want to say that I liked what you did with Magus' Castle. Taking the brief mind games that the mystics played in the game, and greatly expanding upon it to make it front and center for the castle's chapters. Disappointing to not see "You must slay the 100 beasts of Magus' Castle," but at the same time, that kind of thing works better in the game than in an actual story anyways.

Also liked how you decided against a fight with Ozzie, Flea, and Slash. Even though you could've gone with "Lavos supercharged them," you chose something completely different that ended up working far better (not the least reason which is because you are writing a story, not making a game). Also fits with Lavos still being egotistical right now, and making egotistical mistakes.

Also really liked seeing him apologize to the cast (unheard) when the Time Egg doesn't immediately revive Crono. He's slowly getting better.

Magus isn't the only change that I like though, just the one that sticks out the most. I can speak on Marle and Robo too. While both characters aren't essentially different from how they were in the game, there is so much more to them now. Marle's romance with Crono and her respect for him, her teenage rebellion (yes, her dad still is overbearing, but she is also still rebellious), even her just being the "follower" of the group, all seem to fit perfectly for her. And Robo: his puns and sense of humor are absolutely beautiful; his logic, observations, and analyses are great, especially coupled with the very human emotions; and his tact in dealing with other people is great, even if it is unrealistic for the robot of the group to have the best social skills.

To touch briefly on Lucca; as I've said, I always think of your story when I think of Chrono Trigger. Lucca, Robo, and Magus most especially. I hardly remember if she had anything in the game beyond just "semi-crazy engineering genius." Now, she's absolutely bursting with personality, even if it isn't quite what the original script writers' probably had in mind, and even if her personality is rather off-putting and mean.

This is probably the only story where I actually feel bad that Lucca didn't end up with Crono. And it's that way because you've done such a good job building up a relationship with the two without destroying anyone's character or story in the process. Good job. I'm looking forward to what more is done for Lucca (amongst others). I just wish there was more material in the game so I could better predict what next you'll do with her.

Not as much to say with the other three. You've changed Crono a bit, but that's hardly a bad thing. I like how you kept away from making him just another "cool" hero. Also, I think it's grown on me how he even starts out as something more than just a generic teenager. After all, a generic teenager would've have jumped into the blue abyss to save some random girl he just met. Ayla has been greatly improved from "cave woman that developers want to stare at." And though I could care less for her "thing" for Crono (don't like it at all), I'm more than willing to overlook it. Frog is also done very well. Wish he would be less vindictive. As much as it makes sense, I did like how, in the game, if you chose to let Magus live (who doesn't), Frog backs off from the fight because he seems to gain some control over his very powerful want for revenge. "Slaying you will revive neither Crono nor Cyrus" must've been very hard for Frog, and it showed incredible growth on his part. He's well on his way in this story with the mystics, and I hope it happens as well with Magus. I know it may not be much, but even a step in the right direction is good. (Also hope he gets turned back into a human again, for Eliza's sake, or whoever it is that he was engaged too; poor girl).

Beyond the main cast, one last thing to mention is Lavos. I absolutely adore the fact that you have chosen to keep Lavos as a villain. He's not some mindless creature just trying to reproduce, he's not some once-innocent thing with a sob story for a back story, there's no shenanigans with trying to repaint the good guys and bad guys in a different light; none of it. Lavos, instead, has become exactly what the game always seemed to be trying to do but could never quite do correctly: that Lavos is a devil, plain and simple. Can't wait for the guy to get toppled over.

So, yeah, plain and simple, job well done. You're slow, but you do an excellent job. You get rid of stuff that only works in a game, and add in things that work great for a book, and you do so without essentially changing the Chrono Trigger story. I've read this story through quite a few times, and I check the story far more often than needed. Even though I know that it's going to take you forever to update, I check because I want to read the next chapter as soon as it comes out.

Now, if only I could accurately predict what you are going to do next. I'm thinking Cyrus' Ghost, Fiona's Forest, and Giant's Claw will all come before the cast leaves A.D. 600, which would set up perfectly for stuff with the Rainbow Shell next, and I'd guess Geno Dome after Sun Stone. It'll be years before I know whether or not I'm right.
10/27/2014 c1 SorceressLana
Okay, I hope you are ready for an incredibly long review, because I have so much to say that my mind may explode in the process.

First things first, where do I start?
I guess I should say the most important thing first. Thank you. Thank you so so so so much for making my childhood dreams come true. You have no idea how much I appreciate this and how much I adore it.

I was raised playing Chrono Trigger and I held it to my heart dearly. I longed for more all the time. I was recently replaying it for the billionth time. I finished it easily and it saddened me to see it end so quickly. Sooo I was playing around on North Cape, listening to Magus's theme when a grand idea hit me! I googled Chrono Trigger fanfics and went through some titles. Yours caught my eye, although I wasn't sure of the content of it yet. Later I settled into bed and started reading it, confused as to why there were 81 chapters. I soon realized that it was the beginning of the game I was reading and it dawned on me that it must be the literal game put into book form!
As I read it I squeee-d with absolute delight and nearly teared up from the beauty. It got better and better and I stared reading it every day. I grew accustomed to eating a snack in the afternoon and reading a couple of chapters. I looked forward to reading it everyday. It actually made me laugh out loud (which rarely happens when I read), blush, get super excited and pumped, cRYYY, and just feel overall happy, almost high!

Why? Because you did a superb, absolutely perfect job on it. The characters now have character to me. I will never look at it the same way again. I feel like I know the characters now, it all makes sense to me. I feel overwhelmed with passion now when I think about the characters and the story. I used I feel like something was missing, but now your take on the story has filled that spot. Of course, it's still partially empty for reasons, but you've given me more happiness than you might imagine!

I cannot tell you every little detail of the story that made me laugh or sigh or cry, but everything made me feel good. I want to do a thing about how I feel about how you portrayed each character, but I would feel like I'm writing a 20 page report.

Magus is of particular interest to me. I always thought he was truly a good guy, and that his love for Schala was the most important thing to him. You portrayed him perfectly. Every little thing is too much for my heart. How he could've done something but he didn't. I just asdfhk no words.

But basically, Chrono Trigger is so important to me and now I feel like I know it better, I feel like everything makes sense. I enjoyed reading this immensely and I grew very sad when I reached the most recent chapter. It was one thing that made my day better, so I look forward to your new chapters eagerly.
I was mind blown when I saw that you've been working on it for ten years now. Thank you. Your dedication is stunning and inspirational! I could call this fanfiction life changing to me actually. I love the characters and places and everything more than ever.
I could go on forever and gush and gush about it, but I should control myself.
The quality of the writing is perfect.
It kept me excited and wanting more, even though I already knew the story, I was on the edge of my seat!
Please continue, I will wait and wait for more. Thank you so much.
10/6/2014 c81 9Kit Thespian
Aw, the imp that stood up to Magus was completely made of win! I teared up, AGAIN. Magus' revelation was so touching and so sad at the same time. Although Ozzie, Slash and Flea totally asked for being humiliated, it was still kind of hard to read. Sorry that Ozzie couldn't be beaten by a kitten, but he and the other two living the rest of their lives in hiding and obscurity was pretty nice.
10/6/2014 c80 Kit Thespian
Whew! That was a great confrontation! I like how Crono's become a prophet now. And I'm glad to see the royal baby. Glenn just fawning over him was too cute! And of course, Magus is back in full, sarcastic form. And the bit with the king kneeling and embracing Glenn was great and very well written, I thought.

Magus gets best line, of course, the whole bit when he's going on about staying in Guardia, "How could you have gotten along without him?" isn't letting me highlight anymore. :(
10/6/2014 c79 Kit Thespian
Forgive me, fellow author, for I have sinned. It has been too long since my last reading. But oh man, the FEELS. I teared up; no, I did! I'm glad that Magus allowed himself a teensy, weensy smile. :)

I'm afraid I really don't have a best line for this chapter, but I will say my favorite part was Marle and Lucca sticking it out until the end, together.
8/12/2014 c81 Ocaj
Finally! I waited so long for this, but you definitely delivered! Keep going! Please dont stop until, its all over!
7/15/2014 c81 Anoynomous
Congrats on the marriage.
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