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for Kerry from the beggining

2/7/2007 c1 Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do
I liked it, yet a few things. One, it takes more than a few hours to get to Africa by plane. Also, punctuation, capitalization, and grammar would be nice.
12/24/2005 c3 12Rockbird
You still need to do something about spelling, grammer, and punctuation.
12/24/2005 c3 12MY-LOVE-IS-STRONG
I luv it
10/8/2005 c2 12Rockbird
Her parents move again, and three weeks later, she's not even mad about it. Her parents don't actually seem to be acting all that plausibly. Adoptions back then were closed, but it wasn't uncommon for the adoptive parents to sign something saying that they would tell their child about the adoption. You might try compound and complex sentances. They flow better than short ones taht come off as choppy much of the time. Chatspeak. You used chatspeak in a fanfic. Don't do it again! PLEASE, I'm begging you. The punctuation continues to present problems.
10/8/2005 c1 Rockbird
Grammar and punctuation are rather sloppy to be honest. I'm seeing a lack of plot continuity as well. More about Africa, three years of her life, you might as well say what happened while she was there.
9/15/2005 c2 7AnnaLangdon
Hi, I know I'm pretty late to the party, but I only just read your fic:

You've got an interesting concept going, but your story isn't very clear-having more detailed descriptions and narratives would be helpful. You might want to work on her parents a little bit more, developing their characters. It seems their only lines are to drop bombshells on Kerry and then just leave her to digest the information herself! You may want to have someone else double-check your sentences, grammar, and punctuation before you post. It'll really help your story's credibility! Please don't give up!
8/6/2005 c1 13NaomiP
This isn't bad. Just tidy up your punctuation and spelling. And, given that the actual scene in Africa lasted about 3 lines, you could probably have skipped the whole chapter and picked up the story with their return to the states! In general, more detail would have been nice. You give us lots of brief little scenes, but don't really get into any of them. (Kerry's mother tells her they're moving to Africa ... they're packing and getting ready to leave ... they're on the plane ... they get to Africa ... suddenly it's 3 years later and they're going home again.

I don't think I like Kerry's parents very much. They don't tell her until the day before they are to leave that they are moving halfway across the world? And they have never bothered to tell her that she's adopted?

(ALso, just a few small practical issues - a flight from the U.S. to Africa would take way more than a few hours. You make it sound like it was a 3 hour local hop.) And if Kerry is 10, this is probably set in the mid-1970's. (She's probably around 40 now.) Dr. Kildare was a show from the early 1960's. (A simple web search would have given you that information.) Also, there would not have been a piece of paper in the basement decribing the adoption. Adoptions in the 1960's were always "closed" with the records sealed by the courts. (Which is why Kerry spent so much time searching, unsuccessfully, with the help of a private investigator, for her parents on the show.)
8/5/2005 c1 14S.equence
It would look nice and professional if you put punctuation in with your dialouge. So far the story seems well written. I would like more about Africa (area, description of her living quarters, more about why she moved there and schooling) Other than that I like it and it's a really good story. I am proudly a Kerry fan! :)
8/5/2005 c1 11GemmaGemroForever
As a Kerry fan myself I loved it, keep going

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