for a summer fit for revenge2/5/2006 c12 
8murphcas
Okay, now I have a few things to say.
I like this story. it has a good plot and potential BUT it's very fast and if you haven't noticed it's only dialogue mostly. You really need to expand on it. The chapters could become so much longer with extra stuff in it. For example instead of just writng one dialogue after the other you could put something like: James kissed Ashley lightly on the lips. "I love you," he whispered into her ear. Ashley stared at him. Sure she could pretend to not have feelings fo rhim but deep down she knew that there was something more than hate. In fact deep down she believed she didn't hate him at all but was madly in love with him. To utter those words would mean great embarrassment for her though since she's gone on so long with her hate crimes against him.
I love the whole Dark Lord idea where he has to make Ashley his queen. It was very genious! But I think you brought it out too fast.
I have a question. Why did you have Lily in the beginning and then have her drop off the face of the earth? If she wasn't going to be in this story except that one time you shouldn't of included her at all. Same with Tonks. You should have gave some explanation as to why Remus wasn't with Tonks any more and with Ashlyn instead.
Really great but I think you should work on your writing form a little more! Please don't hate me for this but I think you have a great skill in writing, you just need to develope it more. Cheers!
8murphcasOkay, now I have a few things to say.
I like this story. it has a good plot and potential BUT it's very fast and if you haven't noticed it's only dialogue mostly. You really need to expand on it. The chapters could become so much longer with extra stuff in it. For example instead of just writng one dialogue after the other you could put something like: James kissed Ashley lightly on the lips. "I love you," he whispered into her ear. Ashley stared at him. Sure she could pretend to not have feelings fo rhim but deep down she knew that there was something more than hate. In fact deep down she believed she didn't hate him at all but was madly in love with him. To utter those words would mean great embarrassment for her though since she's gone on so long with her hate crimes against him.
I love the whole Dark Lord idea where he has to make Ashley his queen. It was very genious! But I think you brought it out too fast.
I have a question. Why did you have Lily in the beginning and then have her drop off the face of the earth? If she wasn't going to be in this story except that one time you shouldn't of included her at all. Same with Tonks. You should have gave some explanation as to why Remus wasn't with Tonks any more and with Ashlyn instead.
Really great but I think you should work on your writing form a little more! Please don't hate me for this but I think you have a great skill in writing, you just need to develope it more. Cheers!
1/20/2006 c12 6Mysti Chan Da Priestess Lady
Ash you are so fucked up in da head... lol. Sh! yeah, we're drunk, but you can't tell nobody! exactly what i would/have said. geez!
6Mysti Chan Da Priestess LadyAsh you are so fucked up in da head... lol. Sh! yeah, we're drunk, but you can't tell nobody! exactly what i would/have said. geez!
1/4/2006 c12 1Won-Won-Weirdo
It was a good chapter, but very short. I also think you need a beta. That would help your writing a lot.
1Won-Won-WeirdoIt was a good chapter, but very short. I also think you need a beta. That would help your writing a lot.
11/20/2005 c11 Won-Won-Weirdo
Oh ok. So it's like a magical mall. I have to say, it's TOO SHORT! make it longer! Update soon!
Oh ok. So it's like a magical mall. I have to say, it's TOO SHORT! make it longer! Update soon!
9/16/2005 c9 Won-Won-Weirdo
haha thats awesome! update soon! i love this story! and YAY! you made the chapters longer! *dances around* lol. well update soon!
haha thats awesome! update soon! i love this story! and YAY! you made the chapters longer! *dances around* lol. well update soon!
9/11/2005 c7 Won-Won-Weirdo
lol, nice ending, haha, well you update a lot and that makes me happy! lol. but yeah, dont make me sad and update soon! LINDSEY
lol, nice ending, haha, well you update a lot and that makes me happy! lol. but yeah, dont make me sad and update soon! LINDSEY
9/10/2005 c6 Won-Won-Weirdo
Update! Thats an order! jk. but seriously, you NEED to update! lol. I love it! LINDSEY
Update! Thats an order! jk. but seriously, you NEED to update! lol. I love it! LINDSEY
9/3/2005 c2 6AndieNicole
I would just like to point out that Tonks and Remus wern't together until much later, and Tonks would be (depending on the fic, there isn't exact canon for it) 3-7.
Also, for numbers in dialouge, please spell them out.
Please pay a bit more attention to how conversations work and flow, and maybe read the dialouge out loud as well.
It would also be nice if you seperated the authors notes at the beginning from the story.
Make sure the tags at the end, such as 'slyly', and the intensity of emotions seem to be slightly off. Again, try to imagine how real conversations and interactions flow.
And please, no author notes in the middle of a story. If it's a story bit you want to explain, work it into the story somehow.
If you don't hate me for getting a little obsessive with the critque, I'll be happy to beta for you, and give you more advice.
6AndieNicoleI would just like to point out that Tonks and Remus wern't together until much later, and Tonks would be (depending on the fic, there isn't exact canon for it) 3-7.
Also, for numbers in dialouge, please spell them out.
Please pay a bit more attention to how conversations work and flow, and maybe read the dialouge out loud as well.
It would also be nice if you seperated the authors notes at the beginning from the story.
Make sure the tags at the end, such as 'slyly', and the intensity of emotions seem to be slightly off. Again, try to imagine how real conversations and interactions flow.
And please, no author notes in the middle of a story. If it's a story bit you want to explain, work it into the story somehow.
If you don't hate me for getting a little obsessive with the critque, I'll be happy to beta for you, and give you more advice.
9/3/2005 c4 1Won-Won-Weirdo
Great! Keep it goin! And I will e-mail you too! About what may i ask? about your fic? or anything? lol well update soon!
1Won-Won-WeirdoGreat! Keep it goin! And I will e-mail you too! About what may i ask? about your fic? or anything? lol well update soon!
8/29/2005 c2 Won-Won-Weirdo
Its good so far! Keep it up! Just one thing though, Try to make the chapters longer! And would you mind reading my fanfic? Update soon! LINDSEY
Its good so far! Keep it up! Just one thing though, Try to make the chapters longer! And would you mind reading my fanfic? Update soon! LINDSEY
8/27/2005 c1 10Tawa bids you good day
A little bit confusing...could you tell us more about who Ashley and Allie are? Also, its very hard to tell who's talking, you should put tags more of your dialogue (put "said Ashley" or "Sirius replied" rather than just spouting quotes).
Has there been a time shift half way through? They seem to have gotten over their parents' death very quickly, since we have gone from looking at the parents' dead bodies to swimming in the pool. You need to indicate that time has passed or else we can't tell what is happening.
Sorry for all the criticisms, don't be put off your writing. You definately have lots of potential as a writer and I'd love to read the next chapter of this story.
Cheers
10Tawa bids you good dayA little bit confusing...could you tell us more about who Ashley and Allie are? Also, its very hard to tell who's talking, you should put tags more of your dialogue (put "said Ashley" or "Sirius replied" rather than just spouting quotes).
Has there been a time shift half way through? They seem to have gotten over their parents' death very quickly, since we have gone from looking at the parents' dead bodies to swimming in the pool. You need to indicate that time has passed or else we can't tell what is happening.
Sorry for all the criticisms, don't be put off your writing. You definately have lots of potential as a writer and I'd love to read the next chapter of this story.
Cheers